The First Great Train Robbery

[first lines]

Edward Pierce:
[narration] In the year 1855, England and France were at war with Russia in the Crimea. The English troops were paid in gold. Once a month, twenty-five thousand pounds in gold was loaded into strongboxes inside the London bank of Huddleston and Bradford and taken by trusted armed guards to the railway station. The convoy followed no fixed route or timetable. At the station, the gold was loaded into the luggage van of the Folkestone train for shipment to the coast and from there to the Crimea. The strongboxes were placed into two specially-built Chubb safes constructed of three-quarter inch tempered steel. Each safe weighed five hundred and fifty pounds. Each safe was fitted with two locks, requiring two keys, or four keys altogether. For security, each key was individually protected. Two keys were entrusted to the railway dispatcher who kept them locked in his office. A third was in the custody of Mr. Edgar Trent, president of the Huddleston and Bradford. And the fourth key was given to Mr. Henry Fowler, manager of the Huddleston and Bradford. The presence of so much gold in one place naturally aroused the interest of the English criminal elements. But in 1855 there had never been a robbery from a moving railway train.

Edward Pierce:
[after he learns that Trent ignored the sexual advances of Miriam] No respectable gentleman is THAT respectable.

Edward Pierce:
What exactly are you constructing?

Emily Trent:
We thought a water wheel. It will be so delightful, especially when there will be the rusted curve of the water wheel itself. Don't you agree?

Edgar Trent:
We are building the rusted wheel at considerable expense.

Emily Trent:
It is constructed of previously rusted metal, the craftsmen are most ingenious. And of course we must wait for the weeds to grow up around the site before it takes on the proper appearance.

Edward Pierce:
Oh I'm sure it'll be a handsome ruin.

Edgar Trent:
Where is Elizabeth?

Emily Trent:
I have passed many pleasant hours here, watching the workman fit each piece into its precise slot. Such skill!

Edward Pierce:
They screw it together do they?

Edgar Trent:
No, bolt it actually. With long bolts, fitted tightly.

Emily Trent:
Yes. *Long* bolts, fitted tightly.

Edward Pierce:
I've just returned from America, a country of many prominent erections.

Emily Trent:
It *is* exciting to see things come together, so long as the quality does not suffer.

Edward Pierce:
Tight-fitting joints, that's the secret.

Emily Trent:
It's *so* rare these days.

Edward Pierce:
[It] depends on the skill of the workman, of course.

Emily Trent:
And he *must* have the proper tools.

Judge:
[Judgementally] Now, on the matter of motive, we ask you: Why did you conceive, plan and execute this dastardly and scandalous crime?

Edward Pierce:
I wanted the money. [the court spectators roar with laughter]

[Edward Pierce arrives from on top of the train]

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
You look a sight.

Edward Pierce:
*I* look a sight?

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
You're all covered in soot.

Edward Pierce:
[aghast] It's the smoke! I haven't brought a change!

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
Well, that's bloody brilliant! [Edward Pierce looks at Agar's clothes]

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
[realizing what Pierce intends] No! Oh, no! You pick me clean, you put me in a coffin with a rotten, stinking cat, and now you strip me bollock naked.

Miriam:
Do you ever tell anyone the truth?

Edward Pierce:
The truth? The truth... no.

Miriam:
All you ever think about is money.

Edward Pierce:
All anyone ever thinks about is money.

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
You didn't do the Barclay Hills job, did you?

Edward Pierce:
Barclay Hills? Sh*t job!

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
[referring to the London Bridge Station train dispatcher's office] What's your pogue up there, anyway?

Edward Pierce:
Two Chubb keys in that green cupboard.

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
What might they be, them keys?

Edward Pierce:
Two keys that I happen to want.

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
[turns to look at Pierce] We're partners, aren't we? Of course, if you're trying to say that you don't trust me completely...

Edward Pierce:
[turns and looks at Agar] I don't trust you at all.

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
[smiles and nods] Good.

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
[They're at the train station about to do the "Jolly Gaff" to get the two keys] Where's the chavvy?

Edward Pierce:
There. [He nods towards a boy street urchin] He's your son.

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
I don't have no son!

Edward Pierce:
Louisa says he's your son.

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
[snorts a laugh] Louisa! She wouldn't know, would she? IS THAT HIM? He's not my son! He's too ugly to be my son! [pause, then:] What's the sweetener?

Edward Pierce:
A guinea.

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
[thinks about it for a moment, then:] Well, if he is my son he'll be worth it.

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
[He's just realized Pierce is planning to heist the Crimean gold shipment] You're out of your bloody mind, Pierce, trying to rob a moving train! It can't be done!

Edward Pierce:
Why not?

Robert Agar, Screwsman:
Well... it hasn't been done, has it?

Edward Pierce:
No.

Edward Pierce:
[to "Clean Willy"] If you've turned nose on me, I'll see you in lavender.

Fowler:
[Admiring Miriam] That's what I call a proper woman - which that is to say - not proper at all.

Edward Pierce:
[to Agar] Find me a dead cat!

Miriam:
It's all very good... unless something goes wrong.

Edward Pierce:
What could go wrong?

Edward Pierce:
[to Clean Willy] If you've turned nose on me, I'll see you in lavender!

Miriam:
[referring to Pierce's social acquaintances while she disrobes in front of him] And do they know you take an *interest* in the theater?

Edward Pierce:
Well, an unmarried gentleman must amuse himself.

Miriam:
[smiling] Must he?

"It is a recognized truth of jurisprudence that laws are created by men, and civilized men in the tradition of more than two millennia agree to abide by these laws for the common good of all society, for it is only by the rule of law that any civilization holds itself above the promiscuous squalor of barbarism!" Judge