The Grand Budapest Hotel

Zero:
What happened?

M. Gustave:
What happened, my dear Zero, is I beat the living sh*t out of a sniveling little runt called Pinky Bandinski, who had the gall to question my virility. Because, if there's one thing we've learned from penny dreadfuls, it's that when you find yourself in a place like this, you must never be a candy ass; you've got to prove yourself from day one. You've got to win their respect. You should take a long look at HIS ugly mug this morning.

[Takes a sip of water and laughs]

M. Gustave:
He's actually become a dear friend.

M. Gustave:
Keep your hands off my lobby boy!

Deputy Kovacs:
Did he just throw my cat out of the window?

M. Gustave:
[to Mme. Celine's corpse] You're looking so well, darling, you really are... they've done a marvelous job. I don't know what sort of cream they've put on you down at the morgue, but... I want some.

M. Gustave:
You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, f*** it.

Henckels:
By order of the commissioner of police, Zubrowka Province, I hereby place you under arrest for the murder of Madame Celine Villenueve Desgoffe-und-Taxis.

M. Gustave:
I knew there was something fishy. We never got the cause of death. She's been murdered, and you think I did it. [runs away]

M. Gustave:
Well, what does it say? Where is it? What's it all about, damn it? Don't keep us in suspense, Serge, this has been a complete f***ing nightmare! Just tell us what the f*** is going on!

Dmitri:
[about M. Gustave] This criminal has plagued my family for nearly 20 years. He's a ruthless adventurer and a con artist who preys on mentally feeble, sick old ladies! And he probably f***s them, too!

M. Gustave:
I go to bed with all my friends.

[Dmitri punches M. Gustave, Zero punches Dmitri, Jopling punches Zero]

Mr. Moustafa:
To be frank, I think his world had vanished long before he ever entered it - but, I will say: he certainly sustained the illusion with a marvelous grace!

Mr. Moustafa:
There are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity... He was one of them. What more is there to say?

M. Gustave:
Who's got The Throat-Slitter?

Henckels:
Who's shooting who?

Dmitri:
That's Gustave H., the escaped murderer and art thief! I've got him cornered!

M. Gustave:
That's Dmitri Desgoffe und Taxis! He's responsible for the killing of Deputy Kovacs, Serge X and his club-footed sister, plus his own mother!

[pause]

Henckels:
Nobody move; everybody's under arrest.

M. Gustave:
[Gustave and Zero are examining "Boy With Apple" in Dmitri's study] This is van Hoytl's exquisite portrayal of a beautiful boy on the cusp of manhood. Blond, smooth skin as white as that milk, of impeccable provenance. One of the last in private hands, and unquestionably the best. It's a masterpiece. The rest of this sh*t is worthless junk.

M. Gustave:
Serge X, missing. Deputy Kovacs, also missing. Madame D, dead. Boy With Apple, stolen. By us. Dmitri and Jopling, ruthless, cold-blooded savages. Gustave H, at large. What else?

Zero:
Zero, confused.

M. Gustave:
Zero, confused, indeed. The plot thickens, as they say. Why, by the way? Is it a soup metaphor?

Zero:
I don't know.

Dmitri:
If I learn you ever once laid a finger on my mother's body, living or dead, I swear to God, I'll cut your throat! You hear me?

M. Gustave:
I thought I was supposed to be a f***ing f*ggot.

Dmitri:
You are, but you're bisexual.

Pinky:
Me and the boys talked it over. We think you're a really straight fellow.

M. Gustave:
Well, I've never been accused of that before, but I appreciate the sentiment.

M. Gustave:
I must say, I find that girl utterly delightful. Flat as a board, enormous birthmark the shape of Mexico over half her face, sweating for hours on end in that sweltering kitchen, while Mendl, genius though he is, looms over her like a hulking gorilla. Yet without question, without fail, always and invariably, she's exceedingly lovely.

M. Gustave:
You're the first of the official death squads to whom we've been formally introduced. How do you do?

[Zero has just shown M. Gustave the newspaper article announcing Mme. Celine's death]

M. Gustave:
Dear God!

Zero:
I'm terribly sorry, sir.

M. Gustave:
We must go to her.

Zero:
We must?

M. Gustave:
Tout de suite. She needs me, and I need you, to help me with my bags and so on. [to a voice within his suite] Attendez-moi, darling. [to Zero] How fast can you pack?

Zero:
Five minutes.

M. Gustave:
Do it. And bring a bottle of the Pouilly-Jouvet '26, in an ice bucket, with two glasses, so we don't have to drink the cat piss they serve on the dining car.

M. Gustave:
[Following Mme. Celine's death] All of Lutz will be dressed in black... except her own ghastly, deceitful children, whom she loathed and couldn't bear to kiss hello. They'll be dancing like gypsies.

M. Gustave:
[Of Mme. Celine] She was dynamite in the sack, by the way.

Zero:
...She was 84, Monsieur Gustave.

M. Gustave:
Mmm, I've had older. When you're young, it's all filet steak, but as the years go by, you have to move on to the cheap cuts. Which is fine with me, because I like those. More flavorful, or so they say.

M. Gustave:
[Regarding "Boy with Apple"] I'll never part with it. It reminded her of me; it will remind me of her, always. I'll die with this picture above my bed. See the resemblance?

Zero:
Oh... oh, yes.

M. Gustave:
[Just minutes later] Actually, we should sell it.

M. Gustave:
If I die first, and I almost certainly will, you will be my sole heir. There's not much in the kitty, except a set of ivory-backed hairbrushes and my library of romantic poetry, but when the time comes, these will be yours. Along with whatever we haven't already spent on whores and whiskey.

[first lines]

Author:
It is an extremely common mistake. People think the writer's imagination is always at work, that he's constantly inventing an endless supply of incidents and episodes; that he simply dreams up his stories out of thin air. In point of fact, the opposite is true. Once the public knows you're a writer, they bring the characters and events to you. And as long as you maintain your ability to look, and to carefully listen, these stories will continue to...

Author's Grandson:
[shooting at him with a pellet gun]

Author:
Stop it! Stop it! Don't! Don't do it!... Uh, will continue to seek you out, uh, over your lifetime. To him, who has often told the tales of others, many tales will be told.

Author's Grandson:
Sorry.

Author:
It's all right. The incidents that follow were described to me exactly as I present them here, and in a wholly unexpected way.

Madame D.:
Come with me.

M. Gustave:
To... f***ing Lutz?

Madame D.:
Please!

M. Gustave:
Give me your hand. You've nothing to fear. You're always anxious before you travel. I admit you appear to be suffering a more acute attack on this occasion, but truly and honestly... oh, dear God, what have you done to your fingernails?

Madame D.:
I beg your pardon?

M. Gustave:
This diabolical varnish; the color is completely wrong!

Madame D.:
Oh really? Don't you like it?

M. Gustave:
It's not that I don't like it; I am physically repulsed.

M. Gustave:
It's quite a thing, winning the loyalty of a woman like that for nineteen consecutive seasons.

Zero:
Um... yes, sir.

M. Gustave:
She's very fond of me, you know.

Zero:
Yes, sir.

M. Gustave:
I've never seen her like that before.

Zero:
No, sir.

M. Gustave:
She was shaking like a shitting dog.

Zero:
...Truly.

Zero:
Do you have an alibi?

M. Gustave:
Of course, but she's married to the Duke of Westphalia. I can't allow her name to get mixed up in all this monkey business.

Zero:
Monsieur Gustave, your life may be at stake.

M. Gustave:
I know! The b*tch legged it! She's already on board the Queen Nasstasja, halfway to Dutch Tanganyika.

Zero:
[Reading a letter from M. Gustave] "My dear and trusted colleagues..."

M. Gustave:
I miss you deeply as I write from the confines of my regrettable and preposterous incarceration. Until I walk amongst you again as a free man, the Grand Budapest remains in your hands, as does its impeccable reputation. Keep it spotless, and glorify it. Take extra-special care of every little bitty bit of it as if I were watching over you like a hawk with a horse-whip in its talons, because I am. Should I discover a lapse of any variety during my absence, I promise swift and merciless justice will descend upon you. A great and noble house has been placed under your protection. Tell Zero if you see any funny business.

Zero:
[Finishing the letter] "Your devoted Monsieur Gustave."

M. Gustave:
May I offer any of you inmates a plate of mush?

M. Gustave:
[Upon seeing Ludwig's map of Checkpoint 19] Who drew this?

Ludwig:
What do you mean, "who drew this"? I did.

M. Gustave:
Very good; you've got a wonderful line, Ludwig! This shows great artistic promise.

[after having escaped from Checkpoint 19]

M. Gustave:
How's our darling Agatha?

Zero:
[Reciting] "'Twas first light, when I saw her face upon the heath, and hence did I return, day by day, entranced, though vinegar did brine my heart, never w..."

M. Gustave:
Very good! I'm going to stop you there because the alarm has sounded, but remember where we left off, because I insist you finish later!

M. Gustave:
How does one come by front row aisle seats for a first night at the Opera Toscana with one day's notice? How does one arrange a private viewing of the tapestry collection at the Royal Saxon Gallery? How does one secure a corner table at Chez Dominique on a Thursday? [to Ivan, on the telephone] Ivan, darling, it's Gustave, hello!... Well, I was until about five minutes ago. We've taken it upon ourselves to clear out in a hurry, if you see what I mean... Well, through a sewer, as it happens... Exactly! Listen, Ivan, I'm sorry to cut you off, but we're in a bit of a bind. This is an official request. I'm formally calling on the special services of...

[Title card:
THE SOCIETY OF THE CROSSED KEYS]

M. Gustave:
I'm not angry with Serge; you can't blame someone for their basic lack of moral fiber. He's a frightened little yellow-bellied coward. It's not his fault, is it?

Zero:
I don't know, it depends.

M. Gustave:
Well, you can say that about most anything, "it depends". Of course it depends.

Zero:
Of course it depends, of course it depends.

M. Gustave:
Yes, I suppose you're right; of course it depends. However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to throttle the little swamp rat.

Monk:
[At the observatory] Are you Monsieur Gustave of the Grand Budapest Hotel in Nebelsbad?

M. Gustave:
Uh-huh.

Monk:
Get on the next cable car.

Monk:
[On the cable car] Are you Monsieur Gustave of the Grand Budapest Hotel in Nebelsbad?

M. Gustave:
Uh-huh.

Monk:
Switch with me.

Monk:
[At the monastery] Are you Monsieur Gustave of the Grand Budapest Hotel in Nebelsbad?

M. Gustave:
Uh-huh.

Monk:
[Hands them robes] Put these on and sing.

Monk:
[Inside the monastery] Psst. Are you Monsieur Gustave of the Grand B...

M. Gustave:
Yes, dammit!

Monk:
Confess.

M. Gustave:
I'm innocent!

Monk:
No, no. [indicates confession booth]

Serge X.:
Forgive me, Monsieur Gustave, I never meant to betray you. They threatened my life and now they've murdered my only family.

M. Gustave:
No! Who'd they kill this time?

Serge X.:
My dear sister.

M. Gustave:
The girl with the club foot?

Serge X.:
Yes.

M. Gustave:
Those f***ers!

Serge X.:
There's more.

M. Gustave:
Okay...

Serge X.:
To the story.

M. Gustave:
I get it, go on.

Serge X.:
I was the official witness in Madame D's presence to the creation of a second will to be executed only in the event of her death by murder.

M. Gustave:
A second will?

Serge X.:
Right.

M. Gustave:
In case she got bumped off?

Serge X.:
Right.

M. Gustave:
Uh-huh...

Serge X.:
But they destroyed it.

M. Gustave:
Oh dear.

Serge X.:
However...

M. Gustave:
Uh-huh...

Serge X.:
I pulled a copy.

M. Gustave:
A second copy of the second will?

Serge X.:
Right.

M. Gustave:
Uh-huh...

M. Gustave:
If this do be the end, "Farewell!" cried the wounded piper-boy...

[Jopling stomps]

M. Gustave:
...whilst the muskets cracked, and the yeomen roared "Hurrah", and the ramparts fell...

[Jopling stomps]

M. Gustave:
"Methinks me breathes me last, me fears!" said he...

[Zero pushes Jopling from behind; Jopling falls screaming over M. Gustave's head]

M. Gustave:
Holy sh*t, you got him!

M. Gustave:
The beginning of the end of the end of the beginning has begun. A sad finale played off-key on a broken-down saloon piano in the outskirts of a forgotten ghost town. I'd rather not bear witness to such blasphemy.

Zero:
Me neither.

M. Gustave:
The Grand Budapest has become a troops' barracks. I shall never cross its threshold again in my lifetime.

Zero:
Me neither.

M. Gustave:
Never again shall I...

Zero:
Actually I think we might be going in there right now after all!

M. Gustave:
Excuse me. Have you seen a pastry girl with a package under her arm in the last minute and a half?

Otto:
Yep. She just got on the elevator with Mr. Desgoffe und Taxis.

M. Gustave:
Thank you.

Zero:
I'm sorry, who are you?

Otto:
Otto, sir. The new lobby boy?

Zero:
Well, you haven't been trained properly, Otto. A lobby boy never provides information of that kind. You're a stone wall. Understood?

M. Gustave:
I give you my word, if you lay a finger on this man, I'll see you dishonorably discharged, locked up in the stockade, and hanged by sundown.

M. Gustave:
[interviewing will walking] Experience?

Zero:
Hotel Kinsky, Kitchen Boy, 6 months. Hotel Berlitz, Mop and Broom Boy, 3 months. Before that I was a Skillet Scrubber.

M. Gustave:
Experience, zero. [to various workers] Straighten that cap. Pleasure's all mine. These are not acceptable. [back to Zero] Education?

Zero:
I studied reading *and* spelling. I started my primary school. I almost finished...

M. Gustave:
Education, zero.Good morning Cicero. Call the plumber. Family?

Zero:
[hesitates] Zero.

M. Gustave:
Why do you want to be a lobby boy?

Zero:
Well, who wouldn't - at the Grand Budapest, sir. It's an institution.

M. Gustave:
What is a lobby boy? A lobby boy is completely invisible, yet always in sight. A lobby boy remembers what people hate. A lobby boy anticipates the client's needs before the needs are needed. A lobby boy is, above all, discreet to a fault. Our guests know that their deepest secrets, some of which are frankly rather unseemly, will go with us to our graves. So keep your mouth shut, Zero.

M. Gustave:
Rudeness is merely an expression of fear. People fear they won't get what they want. The most dreadful and unattractive person only needs to be loved, and they will open up like a flower.

Author:
When the destiny of a great fortune is at stake, men's greed spreads like a poison in the bloodstream. Uncles, nephews, cousins, in-laws of increasingly tenuous connection. The old woman's distant relations had come foraging out of the woodwork.

M. Gustave:
I was perhaps for a time considered the best lobby boy we ever had at the Grand Budapest. I think I can say that. This one finally surpassed me. Although I must say, I am an exceptional teacher.

M. Gustave:
You can't arrest him just because he's a bloody immigrant, he hasn't done anything wrong!

[last lines]

Young Writer:
[sitting in the lobby] It was an enchanting old ruin. But I never managed to see it again.

M. Gustave:
Well, Serje? Don't keep us in the dark! This has been an absolute, bloody nightmare. Tell us what the f*** is going on!

M. Gustave:
Methinks me hears me death me fears...

M. Gustave:
If there's one thing we've learned from the Penny-Dreadfuls it's that if you find yourself in a place like this you should on no account let yourself be thought of as a candy-ass.

Dmitri:
[when he sees Gustave at Madame D's funeral] That f***ing f*ggot, he's a concierge!

Jopling:
I've never trusted that butler. He's too honest.

Dmitri:
[pointing to painting] What's the meaning of this sh*t?

Jopling:
[referring to Serge X] I've never trusted that butler. He's too honest.

Dmitri:
[on phone] Too honest, you say?

Jopling:
Mm-hm.

Dmitri:
All right, well, be that as it may, find him quick and make it snappy.

Jopling:
[having discovered Agatha's involvement in Gustave's escape] I've got to hand it to them. I didn't see that coming. Well, what do you want me to do?

Dmitri:
[on phone] Talk to the club-footed sister again. And this time, be persuasive.

M. Gustave:
[after seeing police at reception] Have you ever been questioned by the authorities?

Zero:
Yes, on one occasion, I was arrested and tortured by the rebel militia after the Desert Uprising.

M. Gustave:
You know the drill, then, zip it.

Zero:
Of course.

M. Gustave:
You've never hears the word "van Hoytl" in your life. Okay, let's go.

[they go down to the reception]

M. Gustave:
How may we serve you, gentlemen? Ah, Inspector Henckels!

Henckels:
By order of the commissioner of police, Zubrowka Province, I hereby place you under arrest for the murder of Madame Celine Villenueve Desgoffe-und-Taxis.

M. Gustave:
I knew there was something fishy. We never got the cause of death. She's been murdered, and you think I did it. [runs away]

Henckels:
[as he and his men chase Gustave] HEY! STOP!

Dmitri:
Where's Boy with Apple?!

M. Gustave:
(pause) NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!

The Author:
Is it simply your last connection to that vanished world—his world, if you will?

Zero:
His world? No, I don't think so. You see, we shared a vocation; it wouldn't have been necessary. No, the hotel I keep for Agatha. We were happy here, for a little while. To be frank, I think his world had vanished long before he ever entered it. But I will say, he certainly sustained the illusion with a marvelous grace.

Serge X:
Forgive me, Monsieur Gustave. I never meant to betray you. They threatened my life and now they've murdered my only family.

M. Gustave:
No. Who did they kill this time?

Serge X:
My dear sister.

M. Gustave:
The girl with the club foot?

Serge X:
Yes.

M. Gustave:
Those f***ers!

Serge X:
I tried to warn you at the beginning.

M. Gustave:
I know, darling. Let's put that behind us. Listen, I hate to put you on the spot, but I really must ask you to clear my name. Obviously you're grieving...

Serge X:
There's more

M. Gustave:
Okay.

Serge X:
To the story...

M. Gustave:
I get it. Go on.

Serge X:
I was the official witness in Madame D's presence to the creation of a second will to be executed only in the event of her death by murder.

M. Gustave:
A second will?

Serge X:
Right.

M. Gustave:
In case she got bumped off?

Serge X:
Right.

M. Gustave:
Uh-huh?

Serge X:
But they destroyed it.

M. Gustave:
Oh dear.

Serge X:
However...

M. Gustave:
Uh-huh?

Serge X:
I pulled a copy?

M. Gustave:
A second copy of the second will?

Serge X:
Right.

M. Gustave:
Uh-huh?

Serge X:
[Silence]

M. Gustave:
[Frantically] What does it say? Where is it? What's it all about dammit? Don't keep us in suspense, Serge! This has been a f***ing nightmare! Just tell us what the f*** is going on!

M. Gustave:
Serge? Serge? Serge!

M. Gustave:
Bloody hell, they've strangled the poor slob!

The Author:
[having finished listening to Mr Moustafa's story; last lines] A week later, I sailed for a cure in South America, and began a long, wandering journey abroad. I did not return to Europe for many years. It was an enchanting old ruin... [his voice turns into that of his older self] ...but I never managed to see it again.