The Great British Bake Off

[recurring lines to start each challenge]

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter, Sue Perkins, Presenter:
On Your Marks

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter, Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Get Set

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter, Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Bake!

[Sue often says "Bake!" with a silly intonation]

Rebecca Lyne-Perkis, contestant:
[holding a very large spoon covered with rich chocolate batter] I literally just want to shove the whole spoon in my mouth. If I was home, I probably would.

Howard Middleton, contestant:
When I've done this previously, people were quite impressed. Yeah. It's like, "Wow!" That was my mum and dad, though.

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
Welcome to this week's marquee of action, which will be crammed full of whipping, caramelising, chaffing, tempering, and...

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Sorry, you lost me at whipping... We're doing whipping this year? I didn't bring my leather chaps.

Kimberley Wilson, contestant:
Apparently, being Star Baker doesn't confer a free upgrade on the train home.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
You sat in First Class and went, "I think you'll find my face is my ticket - Star Baker", and they went, "Yeah, that'll be 47 quid."

[looking into the oven at Glenn's tuiles]

Glenn Cosby, contestant:
One biscuit is melding beautifully into another.

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
There's a bit of three-way going on, actually.

Glenn Cosby, contestant:
Oh, Jesus wept.

Glenn Cosby, contestant:
I said I wouldn't be one of those lunatics kneeling on the floor by the oven... And here I am.

[swinging his dough, which is shaped like a wet towel, and banging it on his work surface]

Mark Onley, contestant:
I like kneading dough. I have knocked drinks over. I have hit people in the face with dough. I don't know whether it's an accepted way of doing it or not - it's just very satisfying.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
[about the judges] Paul and Mary have asked for perfect fermentation, perfect dough, perfect crust, perfect crumb structure - how perfectly irritating of you both.

Christine Wallace, contestant:
[about her breadsticks] They went into the oven much more even than they came out.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Welcome to yeast!

[about Howard's unbaked English muffins, covered by a kitchen towel]

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Now, I hate to be the bearer of bad news...

Howard Middleton, contestant:
Oh, no! They've been leaned on. When did that happen?

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
I think that's my elbow. I think that's my elbow on your muffin. I think I've elbowed your... How can I make this right?... I'm going to have to elbow everyone's muffins and make it an even playing field. I'm going to put a knee in some, head-butt a few others, and then it's all good.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
[notorious for his hard criticism, to contestant Beca Lyne-Pirkis] Annoyingly, I really like it.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Oh, how painful to give a compliment. Oh, that hurts on such a deep genetic level.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
[making excuses for a contestant's poor performance] Toby's managed to slice both of his thumbs.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
It doesn't affect how long a cake stays in an oven for. If it's dry, it's dry.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
At the risk of sparking a barrage of angry letters from biologists - boy, can those guys kick off - when it comes to baking, the heart truly is connected to the stomach.

Toby Waterworth, contestant:
I'm, uh, behind.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Yup

Toby Waterworth, contestant:
Stressed

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Yup

Toby Waterworth, contestant:
Slightly doolally

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
These are optimal conditions for Bake Off.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
[about the tradition of a young woman baking a courting cake to woo a young man] It puts my teenage years in Croydon to shame. It certainly beats sitting in a car park drinking cider.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
[to Howard, sitting with both hands raised above his head] Are you hailing a cab, Howard? What's going on?

Howard Middleton, contestant:
I cut my thumb on a sharp knife.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
You're not the only one. You got Lucy's done it, Ruby, Christina. It's basically like a sort of hybrid reality show now. It's "Bake Off" meets "Casualty".

[In history, a courting cake showed a young woman's baking skills to a potential husband]

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
[applying cream to courting cake] Does the amount of cream say anything about me?... I think what this is saying to my beloved is... I'd make a really good plasterer.

[Mary Berry looks disapprovingly at Deborah's petits fours, then disapprovingly at Deborah]

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
It does look a bit of a mess, if I'm going to be brutally honest.

Mary Berry, Judge:
The flavour of the chocolate is very good... They're lovely if you don't look at them too closely.

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
This week, it's all about stressed.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Stressed?

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
"Desserts" backwards.

[during a previous challenge, Deborah accidentally took Howard Middleton's custard from the refrigerator and used it]

Deborah Manger, contestant:
What I could do with is a really narrow cutter.

[Deborah walks over to Howard's workstation, searching]

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
So you're nicking stuff off of Howard's bench again. It's your natural port of call, isn't it? [Sue points at Howard] Howard watch out! [and draws a line in the air across the front of his workstation] You need razor wire here!

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
Could it be that we see two leave today?

Mary Berry, Judge:
We'll just have to decide.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
[about he and Mary Berry making a joint decision] If we marry up...

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Really, that's a whole different show, Paul, but I'm happy.

[Mary and Paul laugh at Sue's silliness]

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
That's the spin-off.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
[turning to Mel] We could officiate. This is the most exciting thing that's happened to Bake Off.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Unbelievable

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
We'll leave you two lovebirds to make your decision.

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
I never saw it. Did you?

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
So good at hiding it.

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
The chemistry's always been there.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
[about the taste of Robert's trifle] All I'm getting is the orange liqueur and the orange, rather than the rhubarb.

Robert Smart, contestant:
It takes some doing, overpowering rhubarb.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Yes, but you managed to do it!

[after several weeks of baking challenges in an outdoor tent, it's the semifinals now]

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
The tension is mounting in the tent and also in my waistband.

[Contestants must create a Charlotte Royal. Presenters Mel and Sue make a joke about it at Kimberley's expense]

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
When we said the words "Charlotte Royal", she went...

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
"I was at school with her."

[contestants must bake three types of savoury canap?s, including choux, which is pronounced "shoe"]

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
This is the only time where chouxs are acceptable on the benches.

[Ruby has been an incessant mope throughout the competition. Suddenly, she turns venomous]

Ruby Tandoh, contestant:
[preparing her opera cake, about Judge Paul Hollywood] Put a bit of saffron in there for good measure. Just to spite Paul, who thinks it's not going to work.

[Despite Mary's suggestion to wait until later, Paul cuts a huge slice of her freshly finished citrusy sandwich cake and starts eating it by hand]

Mary Berry, Judge:
Oh, Paul! You can't wait, can you?... That was more than the slice that I had accounted for. It's supposed to serve eight.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
So can I have 300g of strong bread flour, please? [Mary isn't working as quickly as Paul would like] Any time today, Mary, will be great.

Mary Berry, Judge:
I just am careful.

[Mary insists upon full-fat mascarpone for cake icing despite its high calorie count]

Mary Berry, Judge:
Just have a smaller slice.

[Paul laughs]

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Doesn't work with me.

Mary Berry, Judge:
[to Paul] So you can put all that in now.

[Paul dumps icing sugar into mixing bowl, and it erupts everywhere]

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Oop!

[Front of Mary's sweater is covered with icing sugar. Paul tries to control his laughter. Mary has a strained look on her face]

Mary Berry, Judge:
Look at it!

[Paul ducks his head down, and Mary whacks him on back of neck with towel]

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Pasta machines are quite simple to use. I mean, they are very useful, but no-one actually uses them a lot. It is one of those things that you just leave in the cupboard.

[Paul previously told Mary, "A trifle's not a trifle without jelly". Mary then prepared a trifle with no jelly, and she wants Paul's opinion about the taste]

Mary Berry, Judge:
Come on. Verdict!

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Hang on!

Mary Berry, Judge:
Don't take that long!

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
All right! Hang on!... Love it.

Mary Berry, Judge:
Well, you took such a long time about it, I was wondering what was coming!

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
You're through to the next round, Mary.

[Paul just added some lemon zest to spinach in a mixing bowl]

Mary Berry, Judge:
Now, that lemon, don't let's waste it. We could just put a bit of clingfilm round it, put it in the fridge and perhaps use it for lemon drizzle cake or a slice of lemon in gin and tonic.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Gin and tonic! I knew it would come round to that somewhere!

[Note:
Throughout this season, the presenters and Paul have teased Mary about drinking]

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
[hand-mixing wet spinach, egg, and feta in a bowl] I love doing jobs like this, especially mucky jobs.

[Paul puts apricot couronne into oven, then wafts both arms through the air]

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Let the smells begin!

[Paul loves to mix by hand]

Mary Berry, Judge:
Now, what happens if the doorbell goes?

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
[gesturing with his left, non-mixing hand] You always leave one free, Mary.

[mixing finished, Paul's hand drips with icing]

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
[to Mary] High-five?

[Mary needs to add Kirsch, a cherry brandy, to syrup she's preparing. Paul opens small bottle for her, smells it]

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
[reacting to strong alcohol odor] Oof

Mary Berry, Judge:
No having quick swigs.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Too late.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Do you still like baking, Mary?

Mary Berry, Judge:
[an older woman] I love it. I absolutely love it. You know, at the end of the day, when you've had a really tiring day, there's nothing I like more than coming home, baking, cooking. I enjoy it.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Now, that jar, Mary, does that take you back at all?

[she opens the jar and smells it]

Mary Berry, Judge:
[dipping her pinkie in to taste] I think that... I think that's malt.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
It is malt. It's malt extract.

Mary Berry, Judge:
We used to have this in the war. It was in the sideboard, and we used to have to have a tablespoon of it a day. Don't ask me why.

[Mary awaits Paul's evaluation of her Sussex pond pudding]

Mary Berry, Judge:
Don't be beastly.

[Paul gives Mary a very sweet kiss on the cheek. Mary beams]

Mary Berry, Judge:
Bit of all right.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
I'll have some more of that, yeah. Lovely, that, Mary.

Mary Berry, Judge:
I think you could have got away with a little less suet crust. It's quite a lot, would you say that would serve six or eight?

Rebecca Lyne-Perkis, contestant:
My family, maybe four!

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
I was looking at it as an intimate meal for two, to be honest!

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
Are you enjoying this, Ruby?

Ruby Tandoh, contestant:
I'm seriously stressed out.

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
OK, now, do I need to slap you?

[introducing the always difficult Technical Challenge]

Narrator:
Spirits in the tent are high, so it's time to bring them back down to Earth with a bump.

Glenn Cosby, contestant:
[describing his cook] Butterscotch sauce... enough booze to keep Mary happy but not the raw alcohol flavour that will offend Paul.

[later, during the judging]

Mary Berry, Judge:
Even for me, there's too much alcohol in there.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
I love it!

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Have you been palate swapping this weekend?

Robert Smart, contestant:
I joined a local mushroom club. I do like to forage. It is a very unforgiving pastime. You get it wrong, and you can pay a hell of a price. The opportunity to kill yourself is quite good. Some mushrooms, you eat them and there is no cure, simple as that - you just dissolve.

[Mel asks Ruby about her practice at rolling out and stretching filo dough]

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
Have you had space in your student room to do that, Ruby?

Ruby Tandoh, contestant:
Everything's covered in flour.

Rebecca Lyne-Perkis, contestant:
[about her grandmother] When my brother and I refused to eat rhubarb pie... she called it "cherry-apple tart", and we lapped it up.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Rob, is there anything I can do to help? [Rob seems reluctant to accept Sue's help] Probably the best thing for me to do is just leave, maybe.

Robert Smart, contestant:
I think possibly. Yeah.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Shall I get my coat?

Robert Smart, contestant:
Yeah, sorry, I'll give you a call.

[Sue walks off-camera, then pokes her head back in]

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
They all say that. [then flies off-camera again]

Christine Wallace, contestant:
[peers into Kimberley's oven] I'm bending down to have a look / because I'm waiting for my pie to cook.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
OK, bakers, in 30 minutes' time, your bakes have a date with my pie hole.

[points at her mouth]

[contestant Frances Quinn describes yet another highly stylized bake]

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Sounds like it needs planning permission, this pie.

[Before each Technical Challenge, Judges Mary and Paul must leave the studio. In British English, "jog on" is anything but respectful]

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
Now, as ever, Mary and Paul are not allowed to know who has baked what, so with the greatest respect... jog on.

[about contestants who will get eliminated by Judges Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry during the current episode, early in the season]

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
How many are gonna go this week?

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
I don't know, it could be three or five, or it could even be the final. Who knows? When Paul and Mary get trigger-happy, anyone's fair game.

[Ruby's piping bag hits an air pocket and makes a wet, bubbly fart noise]

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Slightly flatulent piping bag...

Ruby Tandoh, contestant:
It's quite rude, isn't it?

Kimberley Wilson, contestant:
My boyfriend and my sister are my most reliable testers, and my sister is now over several times a week. She just comes in, she literally just walks past me into the kitchen to see what's there.

["grandfather grains", used historically in the UK and reintroduced now]

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
We'd like you to make a loaf using unusual flours, such as chestnut or rye or rice, or you can use a grandfather grain, which is the same as a normal grain but it talks about the war and falls asleep in front of a bar fire.

[during the "unusual flours" challenge, "Spelt" is an ancient grain experiencing a resurgence as people with wheat sensitivities can tolerate it]

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
OK, bakers, that's five minutes, or if you want a spelt version... F-I-V-E M-I-N-U-T-E-S.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
[watching contestant Howard Middleton knead dough with one hand] My dad used to say to me when I was making dough, "Son, you've got two hands. I am going to half your wages because you are not using the other one."

[during technical challenges, contestants must follow a vaguely written recipe]

Mary Berry, Judge:
Have you told them how long to bake it, or is that up to them?

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
No, it's entirely up to them.

Mary Berry, Judge:
You're very cruel.

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Oh, yes.

Howard Middleton, contestant:
I'm now adding some hemp flour.

Mary Berry, Judge:
[an older woman] I know nothing about hemp. Is it a grass?

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
How can we describe hemp to you, Mary?

Howard Middleton, contestant:
The leaf...

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
The leaf is naughty cigarettes, Mary.

[discussing Howard's German baumschnecken buns]

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
What's a schnecken, Howard?

Howard Middleton, contestant:
It's basically a snail shape.

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
You're a little schnecken, Howard. You are.

Howard Middleton, contestant:
Thank you

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
Thank you? "You are a little snail", and you say "Thank you"?

Howard Middleton, contestant:
I need compliments.

[During intro sequence, Sue fiddles with a filled, but untied, balloon. It squeaks]

Mel Giedroyc, Presenter:
Ooh

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Gluten. Welcome to the Great British Bake Off. Mild intolerance.

Ruby's mum:
[about Ruby as a baker] She has improved, though, because although she works in chaos, she does tidy up after herself whereas before, she used to work in chaos and then blissfully wander off, leaving the chaos behind her.

Ruby Tandoh, contestant:
I've never done that in my life.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
[as she often does, going for a pun] Okay, bakers, five minutes remaining on the picnic challenge! I hope that doesn't HAMPER your progress.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
If you were to get married, what sort of wedding cake would you like?

Ruby Tandoh, contestant:
Quite often, weddings are just an exercise in narcissism. I can't... I can't be bothered.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
So, if you made a wedding cake it would just say things like "This'll Never Last"... or "One in two marriages end in divorce", piped lovingly?

Kimberley Wilson, contestant:
[about making it to The Final] My family and friends are obviously massively biased. They're really pleased, really proud of me and their advice has mostly been "Crush the opposition", which I think is a little bit strong.

[judges and presenters discuss who might win the 2013 Great British Bake Off]

Paul Hollywood, Judge:
I've got someone in mind already.

Mary Berry, Judge:
I have someone in mind.

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
Is it me?

Mary Berry, Judge:
No

Sue Perkins, Presenter:
[feigning disgust] Every year! Every single year!