The Great Outdoors

Roman:
Chet is going to sh*t a solid gold brick when he sees us.

Chet:
You bastard, you bastard!

Roman:
I think he's saying go faster.

Roman:
Pontoon boat? What are you going to do with a pontoon boat? Retake Omaha Beach?

Roman:
You know what the gourmet here wanted? Hot dogs! You know what they're made of, Chet? Huh? Lips and a**holes!

Bartender:
He's been struck by lightning... how many times has it been now, Reg?

Reg:
S-s-s-s-s-s-s-six...

Chet:
Six times?

Reg:
S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sixty-sixty-six times. In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n the head!

Chet:
And by the way, don't try to steal any of our stuff on your way out!

Kate:
Stuff? What stuff is there to steal?

Connie:
Oh, we got stuff!

Kate:
You're a louse!

Connie:
Well, why don't you go find yourself a spin cycle!

Chet:
Yeah, go find yourself a spin cycle! (turning to Connie) What the hell does that mean?

Kate:
Ahh!

Roman:
What?

Kate:
It touched me!

Roman:
It's been touching you for 12 years. You never freak!

Kate:
Not you!

Kate:
A thing.

Roman:
What thing?

Chet:
[comes out of his bedroom, along with the rest of the family, and turns on the lights] What's going on?

Kate:
That thing!

Roman:
Oh, it's just a little sparrow.

Kate:
Come on, Roman. It's got ears!

Ben:
Dad?

Chet:
Yes, Ben?

Ben:
Does this mean we won't be getting Christmas presents this year from Aunt Kate and Uncle Roman?

Buck:
Oh, blow it out of your ass, Ben!

Connie:
Okay, nobody is blowing anything out of their ass. What we are having is a little problem, and it doesn't mean your father and I don't love your Aunt Kate and Uncle Roman, what it means is that we're having some emotions.

Chet:
What it means, what it means is that I would like to blow Uncle Roman out of my ass, that's what it means!

Connie:
I don't want to hear anything else about anyone blowing anything out of their ass!

Ben:
You might as well blow the whole family out of your ass while you're at it, Dad!

Chet:
Do you understand what's going on here, son? Do you know what your mother and I are trying to say?

Ben:
Aunt Kate and Uncle Roman are incredible butt-heads, right?

Chet and Connie (in unison):
Exactly!

[Chet getting pulled behind the boat on water-skies]

Chet:
You bastard, you bastard!

Roman:
I think he's saying go faster.

Kate:
Ahh!

[Kate and Roman run out of their bedroom]

Roman:
What?

Kate:
It touched me!

Roman:
It's been touching you for 12 years. You never freak!

Kate:
Not you!

[Kate hits Roman on the arm]

Kate:
A thing.

Roman:
What thing?

Chet:
[comes out of his bedroom, along with the rest of the family, and turns on the lights] What's going on?

Kate:
That thing!

[points to a bat]

Roman:
Oh, it's just a little sparrow.

Kate:
Come on, Roman. It's got ears!

[everyone screams and runs out of the cabin]

Three Raccoons: Hey kids… New people in the loon's nest! They have Illinois plates, Mom. If they're from Chicago, we'll be eating good. Lobster Tails! A shitload of raw hot dogs! You know what they're made of… Lips and a**holes! Rock on the top of the cans. That never works. We'll just knock the cans over. Of course we will. Can I stay up again and watch the big guy rake up all the mess? Where're the garbage cans? They're not the cleanest species on the face of the earth, you know. It's not a problem. We'll just have to break in. Can we dot that? What do you think we have these wonderfully articulate fingers for? To scratch our asses? Why's Jody sitting the lake? You didn't hear? She got shot in the ass! Oh no! Don't tell me… Yup… She's bald in both ends now!