The Great Race

[On a melting iceberg]

Max:
We gotta do something.

Professor Fate:
Oh, don't worry. Before this iceberg melts and we drown like rats, we're going to do plenty.

Max:
Yeah? What?

Professor Fate:
We're gonna starve!

[On a melting iceberg]

Leslie:
You better keep it to yourself.

Fate:
Oh, of course I'll keep it to myself. [to himself] Until the water reaches my lower lip, and then I'm going to mention it to *somebody*!

Max:
Red sky. Gonna be a storm.

Professor Fate:
What are you babbling about?

Max:
Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning.

Professor Fate:
Why, you simple-headed gherkin, do you know the chances of a storm in this part of the world at this time of the year?

Max:
No, what?

Professor Fate:
Hundred to one.

[a great thunderclap; it begins to pour rain]

Max:
Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning!

Professor Fate:
Why you idiot!

Prince Hapnick:
You! You're the cause of it all! It was your idea!

General:
No, no your highness... Baron von Schtupp

Prince Hapnik:
I don't care, I don't care! You're banished. I'm getting a new tucker-inner! Banished, banished, banished!

The Baron:
He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. So, until another day, Mr. Leslie.

Max:
Rise and shine, Professor.

Professor Fate:
You rise! You shine!

[repeated line]

Professor Fate:
Push the button, Max!

Maggie DuBois:
You mean amazing because I'm a woman.

[on the iceberg]

Fate:
You're wasting your time!

Leslie:
Perhaps.

Fate:
We're melting!

Leslie:
Slowly.

Max:
We're gonna sink!

Leslie:
Eventually.

Fate:
Then you're wasting your time!

Prince Hapnik:
Course there is one good thing, when one was young, one could play along the corridors. I used to ride my pony up and down this corridor when I was young, then I grew up, got drunk, and fell off!

[gets hit in the face with a pie]

Prince Hapnick:
[tastes pie] umm... brandy! Throw more brandy, throw brandy! More brandy! Brandy! [gets hit again with a pie] umm... rum! I never mix my pies!

Cowboy:
He's lucky Texas Jack ain't around... he'd gun that dude for sure!

Professor Fate:
Pardon me, Mr. Pahd-nuh, who is this Texas Jack?

Cowboy:
WHO'S TEXAS JACK?

Professor Fate:
Who?

Cowboy:
The roughest, toughest gunslinger in these parts... Lilly's his girl!

Professor Fate:
Whoo, hoo, hoo... Lilly's his girl.

Max:
Terrific...

Baron von Stuppe:
Well, Mr. Leslie. I had expected to see you again, but... eh... Not with a sword in your hand. Are you partial to the foil?

Leslie:
Not particularly. It happened to be convenient.

Baron von Stuppe:
I presume you know how to use one.

Leslie:
I hope that won't be necessary.

Baron von Stuppe:
I'm sure you do.

Leslie:
Will you release Ms. Dubois and the others?

Baron von Stuppe:
No...

Leslie:
I'm afraid this will be necessary.

Baron von Stuppe:
You're being very foolish, Mr. Leslie.

Leslie:
That's an assumption, Baron. You make me the victim even before we start!

Baron von Stuppe:
[shrugs] It's your life...

Leslie:
[gestures with sword] You're assuming again.

Professor Fate:
Leslie escaped?

General:
With a small friar.

Professor Fate:
Leslie escaped with a chicken?

Leslie:
Are you a native of Burracho?

Lily Olay:
I ain't no native, I was born here!

Leslie:
Minutes have made the difference in survival, Miss DuBois.

Professor Fate:
The eternal struggle takes time, Max.

[repeated line]

Professor Fate:
[shouts] Maaaax!

Fate:
I am Professor Fate!

Professor Fate:
[after a disaterously failed stunt] I'd like to see the great Leslie try *that*!

Fate, Max:
A Parachute?

Max:
[talking to Fate, referring to Fate's bandaged hands] Would you like me to feed you?

Professor Fate:
What's next?

Max:
Car number five, the engine falls out!

Professor Fate:
Car number five! Ha ha ha ha!

[beat]

Professor Fate:
Er, Max... *we're* number five.

Professor Fate:
You cheated! Cheated! I hate you! I refuse to accept! I won't win any way but my way! You've ruined my reputation, do you hear? You I hate! You and your hair that's always combed, your suit that's always white, your car that's always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!

[crowd cheers]

Leslie:
Get off my hood!

Professor Fate:
Another race!

Maggie DuBois:
I want to thank you again for this opportunity, Mr. Goodbody.

Henry Goodbody:
I had very little choice after your conversation with my wife.

Hester Goodbody:
Henry, if you can't be more gracious, shut up!

[Leslie encounters Maggie stranded in the desert]

Leslie:
I'm offering you a lift.

[Maggie ignores him]

Leslie:
Or would you prefer an engraved invitation?

Maggie DuBois:
I might consider an apology.

Leslie:
An apology? For what? It's twenty miles back to Borracho, you'd never make it.

Maggie DuBois:
Well, that's your fault.

Leslie:
MY fault?

Maggie DuBois:
And because I consider myself sexually free and morally emancipated, I am still a responsible, discriminating woman who does not intend to jump into bed with the first wavy-haired, muscle-bound, egocentric male who thinks he can seduce me by agreeing with some of the things I believe in.

Leslie:
I only wanted to kiss you!

Maggie DuBois:
Why?

Leslie:
Because I love you, that's why!

Maggie DuBois:
Ha!

Leslie:
You don't believe me, huh?

Maggie DuBois:
I do not!

[Leslie stops the car, inches from the finish line]

Maggie DuBois:
What are you doing?

Leslie:
Proving that I love you.

Maggie DuBois:
But you'll lose the race!

Leslie:
Can you think of a better way to prove it?

[Leslie kisses Maggie]

Professor Fate:
What is the word for "friends"?

Maggie DuBois:
Professor...

Professor Fate:
Shut up!

Max:
I don't know the language.

Professor Fate:
Well, get the dictionary!

Max:
Dictionary. Right.

[Max flips through the pages]

Max:
I got it, I got it.

Professor Fate:
What is it, what is it?

Max:
[frowns] I can't pronounce it.

[Fate grabs the dictionary]

Professor Fate:
Very simple. Dru... Druz...

Maggie DuBois:
Druzya.

Professor Fate:
Druzya...

[Fate and Max stare at Maggie]

Maggie DuBois:
I speak, read, and write French... Russian... and Arabic.

[Fate's car is met by a group of austere villagers]

Max:
You give 'em beads, that makes 'em friendly.

Professor Fate:
Obviously, they don't know who I am.

[Fate stands up]

Professor Fate:
I AM PROFESSOR FATE!

[the crowd is silent. Fate slinks back into his seat]

Max:
Wanna try the beads?

Professor Fate:
Sh-sh-sh-sh-shut up!

Fate:
I won't do it!

General:
Then you leave us no alternative. [He draws a gun and points it at him]

Fate:
I'll do it!

General:
When we get back to the palace, you must trim your mustache. You must look exactly like the prince. Can you laugh?

Fate:
What do you mean, can I laugh?

General:
Well, the prince has a very individual laugh.

Fate:
Like what?

General:
Uh... ah ha HA ha ha. [Fate tries to leave, but the General stops him and demonstrates again] Ah ha HA ha ha.

Fate:
HA HA HA HA HA.

General:
No, that's too much bass. The prince is more of a soprano.

Leslie:
It's been my experience, General, that there is little advantage to winning if one wins too easily.

Prince Hapnik:
Rah! Oh oh, rah! Oh rah! Oh rah ah ah! What do you think of that, General?

General:
An admirable point of view, for anyone but a soldier. In my profession, to win is imperative. To win easily is a blessing.

Leslie:
It's just that you bear an uncanny resemblance to someone we both know.

Prince Hapnick:
Someone who looks like me?

Leslie:
Yes, sir.

Prince Hapnick:
[laughing, then comes silent pause] Poor fellow.

[last lines]

Max:
C'mon Professor. Go, Go!

Fate:
Relax. This time I'm going to win it my way. Push the button Max! [cut to shot of Eifel Tower collapsing]

Professor Fate:
The world is mine!

Max:
The world is ours!

Max:
Here come the Marines!

Professor Fate:
She's his Achilles heel, she's our ace in the hole - she must not be left behind!

Maggie DuBois:
Max, you little rat! I'll get you for this!

Professor Fate:
What'd I tell you? I said she'd win the race for us, the bubble-headed vixen!

Maggie DuBois:
You lost.

Leslie:
Only the race.

Max:
[stumbling about in a blinding snowstorm] Professor, where are you?

Professor Fate:
Behind the rock!

Max:
Behind which rock? [trips over Professor Fate]

Professor Fate:
This rock, you idiot!

Texas Jack:
Now, can I get me some fightin' room?

Mayor of Boracho:
Citizens of Boracho!

Max, Fates assitant, Max yells at the professor "up and attem professor" in their car which is stuck on an ice flow.

Professor Fate yells back "up and attem, up and attem'" while Me Leslie tries to calm him down..