The Hard Times of RJ Berger

[discussing an recent heated argument with Miles]

R.J. Berger:
Alright yes, I was wrong in flaking on Raiders, but he's being an a**hole, Lily. I mean, he's the one that told me I needed an expensive gift for Jenny. He's the reason why I got a job, and am busting my ass, trimming hedges, and mowing lawns in the first place.

Lily Miran:
Why didn't you tell me? I would've paid you to trim *my* hedges.

Jenny Swanson:
Come on, girls. You call those high kicks? I want to see some flexibility.

[Lily walks through the crowd of girls and lifts her leg onto Jenny's shoulder]

Jenny Swanson:
Umm, nice.

Lily Miran:
Yeah, your dad liked that one too.

[Miles sits behind the steering wheel of Hamilton's car]

Miles Jenner:
I feel like Scarface!

Hamilton:
Hey, Scarface didn't roll on dubs, homey.

[last line, narrating]

R.J. Berger:
My name is R.J. Berger, and crime doesn't pay... at least not for me.

R.J. Berger:
You're going out with the Dark Knight? [referring to Raven] That kid's like 5 feet of pure Columbine.

Miles Jenner:
[Upon seeing RJ's huge penis for the first time] We're saved.

Lily Miran:
I'm soaked!

Miles Jenner:
You ass hole! I can't believe you've never told me! Here I am, looking for our Golden Ticket - it's been draped over your balls this whole time!

R.J. Berger:
Miles...

Miles Jenner:
Let me see that beautiful bastard, I wanna kiss it.

R.J. Berger:
Miles, come on man...

Miles Jenner:
Just the tip, just like this - [Miles sticks his finger in his mouth and makes a popping noise] Totally non-gay.

R.J. Berger:
Miles!

Max Owens:
[after RJ taps him on the shoulder] What the f*** do you want?

R.J. Berger:
[RJ puts his hand down his shorts and rubs his privates, then wipes his hand on Max's face] -Thats- how a man smells, b*tch.