The Heat

Ashburn:
Could you just close the door on your way out?

Mullins:
I'll shut the door on you. You lay down here and put your head in the door and I'll slam it about 157,000 f***ing times.

Rojas:
Aw, sh*t, girl You'd better run. Run like you're on fire!

Mullins:
I'll kill her with your dead body!

Mullins:
You're giving her beauty advice? Do you even own a f***ing mirror?

Mullins:
What's wrong? You look a little pale... Snowcone.

Captain Woods:
This job is destroying me... you know how old I am?

Ashburn:
Um... um... 58.

Captain Woods:
I'm 43 years old.

Ashburn:
Uh-huh... see I always round up.

Captain Woods:
I have a five year-old son who calls me Grampa.

Mullins:
You want something to eat? I didn't finish my submarine sandwich from the other day.

Ashburn:
Oh god, no thank you.

Mullins:
Sorry I don't have poached eggs and rubies for ya.

Ashburn:
No, I... I don't mean to be rude but one could catch a MRSA infection in here, that's all.

Mullins:
Yeah, what part of that wasn't rude?

Mullins:
My fear is that I'm gonna put you in a bikini and you'll still look like a f***ing bank teller.

Rojas:
I had a joint and a few little bags of coke. Since when is that sh*t illegal?

Mullins:
[in bathroom] Jesus, what are those?

Ashburn:
Stop it, they're my Spanx. They hold everything together.

Mullins:
Why, what's gonna come popping out?

Ashburn:
Nothing, it just keeps everything where it's supposed to be. Like...

Mullins:
Sh*t, like medically?

Mullins:
If you're not in trouble you're not doing your job.

Ashburn:
I was actually married for six-some years.

Mullins:
Was he a hearing man?

Mullins:
[about her comatose brother] It was a terrible resume. He mentioned prison, and in Special Skills he said, Keeping it real.

Jason Mullins:
What are you gonna do, storm through Boston and take down a drug lord?

Mullins:
Yeah, I might. Have you met me?

Jason Mullins:
Yeah, unfortunately.

Ashburn:
I'm gonna say this one more time. Stand down, Officer.

Mullins:
F*** off, Officer.

Ashburn:
Oh, okay. Guess what? Now you've really done it. I'm going to call my boss.

Mullins:
You do that, tattle-tits! F***in' narc!

Levy:
Alright, ladies, here's the DNA results from the book of matches and the cigarette butt you got from Tatiana's. We pulled two sets of prints. First one's a real nut job. Look at this: reckless driving, assault, arson... [pulls up Mullins' photo on the screen]

Ashburn:
[clears throat]

Levy:
Oh, God.

Ashburn:
Really?

Mullins:
Who the f*** is this guy?

Ashburn:
He's my assistant. What...?

Levy:
Uh, you know I'm an agent, right?

Ashburn:
Arson?

Mullins:
It was a drug house!

Levy:
[Ignored as he holds up his ID badge, whistles, and taps on it]

Ashburn:
I really feel the need to finish reading your files because this is just...

Mullins:
I really feel the need for you to stay out of my business so I don't punch you in the teeth.

Mullins:
[Walking toward a man on the street] Oh, sh*t.

Ashburn:
What's wrong?

Mullins:
Just... just don't look. Don't look! Don't look! Just act like we're talking.

Robin:
Hey, Shannon.

Mullins:
Hi, Robin.

Robin:
I really enjoyed our night together, Shannon. You just disappeared on me.

Mullins:
Yeah, I know. I was there.

Robin:
Well, can I take you to dinner? A movie or something?

Mullins:
God, buddy, do you not hear how pathetic everything out of your mouth sounds? I mean, there's a girl out there for you, but it's not... it's not me. Maybe it's her.

[indicating Ashburn]

Mullins:
Her lady business is like an old dirty attic. Full of broken Christmas lights and like doll shoes and sh*t. Why don't you clean THAT out for her?

Ashburn:
Uh, that's a... that's a misrepresentation of my vagina.

Ashburn:
[Horn blows twice. A mini-van slowly drives up to Ashburn and Mullins as they are walking on the street. The van's windows are down, and the radio is blasting Boston's "More Than a Feeling" as the driver flips off Mullins] Who is... who is that?

Mullins:
My mom.

Ashburn:
Okay, here we go. [Ashburn goes to pull the fire alarm in the club, and the face plate comes off in her hand] My God, there are absolutely no wires attached to this thing! And what is that? [poking at object in recessed fire alarm box] What is that? Gum? Or is that... Silly Putty?

Mullins:
[Slaps Ashburn's hand] Don't touch that! That's a condom.

Ashburn:
[Ashburn dry heaves]

Ashburn:
[Leans in close to talk to Mullins after waking up in a bar] Hey, how ya doin'?

Mullins:
Jesus, you've gotta get a mint in that dumpster.

Ashburn:
Oh, God, was I smoking cigarettes last night?

Mullins:
Yeah, you kept takin' 'em out of people's mouths and smoking them.

Ashburn:
God, that's so nasty.

Mullins:
It *was* pretty gross.

Mrs. Mullins:
When did *you* become such a f***in' princess?

Ashburn:
[Ashburn's cell phone rings] Ashburn. [Hands phone to Mullins] Why don't you have your own phone?

Mullins:
What am I, the Queen of England?

Ashburn:
I don't know. Does the Queen of England only wear sweatpants?

Mullins:
F*** you.

Ashburn:
You... 'F' you.

Gina:
Hey, Shan. [Mullins knocks the cup out of her hand, spilling its contents on the floor, while walking away] Well, that was wicked rude.

Mullins:
Tatiana, you ready to get real?

Tatiana:
Let's get real.

Mullins:
We both know you've been blowing sh*t up your nose all day. Man, there's nothing I'd love more to do than slip into my camisole, put my feet up, have a little smack, Real good time, maybe a couple of cold ones, a little chip and dip, watch some cartoons. I'd get a big bowl of f***ing coke, I'd put my face in it, cut it with a little Ritalin, heaven on f***ing Earth, right? I'll camp out all week for tickets to that show.

Ashburn:
What is this, Training Day?

Mullins:
Two against two. I like those odds.

Ashburn:
I'm gonna call for backup.

LeSoire:
[Whispers] It's already here.

Ashburn:
Hey, I was looking for you. I forgot to get your number.

LeSoire:
Cool. It's 1-800-GiveMeYourF***ingGuns.

Ashburn:
That's too many numbers.

Mullins:
Get on the ground! You are under arrest. Put your hands up where I can see them and tell me where the f*** Larkin is!

Dealer:
[C*cks gun and points it at Mullins] Hey, I think It'd be much more better if you put your hands up.

Ashburn:
[C*cks gun and points it at dealer] Much more better? Drop the gun and take a grammar course, you idiot.

Dealer:
Who the f*** are you?

Ashburn:
Me and her? We're the f***ing heat!

Mullins:
Get on the ground! You are under arrest. Put your hands up where I can see them and tell me where the f*** Larkin is!

Dealer:
[C*cks gun and points it at Mullins] Hey, I think It'd be much more better if you put your hands up.

Ashburn:
[C*cks gun and points it at Dealer] Much more better? Drop the gun and take a grammar course, you idiot!

Dealer:
Who the f*** are you?

Ashburn:
Me and her? We're the f***ing heat!

Dealer:
[C*cks gun and points it at Mullins] Hey, I think It'd be much more better if you put your hands up.

Ashburn:
[C*cks gun and points it at Dealer] Much more better? Drop the gun and take a grammar course, you idiot!

Dealer:
Who the f*** are you?

Ashburn:
Me and her? We're the f***ing heat!

Mullins:
[to Asburn after getting bar patrons to dance] Look, it's a frenzy. We started a frenzy.

Mullins:
Well, I am balls deep in boredom.

Mullins:
Who closes the door to take a sh*t?

Mullins:
[pulls an elderly man out of his chair] Get up, you f***!

Tatiana:
[Mullins throws Tatiana's underwear at her] Don't touch underpants! Get out, bull in china shop! Out of my house! What the f***'s wrong with you?

Ashburn:
[after drunkenly breaking a glass and cutting her hand] Ah. Ah. I don't - I don't feel it. I don't feel it.

Mullins:
[laughs hysterically while raising Ashburn's arm] Keep it up!

Ashburn:
[referring to Mullins] That officer right there is a better law enforcement officer than *anybody* in this room. Myself included.

Ashburn:
[getting angrier] God, you guys are just - what is the matter with you? You're such... you're just such jerks! You're just such... sh*t jerk! You're just a sh*t jerk dick... f***er! You're a sh*t jerk dick f***er assholer. And you can all just go f*** yourselves!