The In-Laws

[after a harrowing cab ride]

Sheldon:
Did we hit the little boy on Sixth Avenue?

Vince Ricardo:
No, we missed him by a good foot and a half.

Sheldon:
Six thousand a year tuition to listen to this.

Sheldon:
The ocean? It's over the ocean to Scranton, Pennsylvania?

Vince Ricardo:
Just go with the flow, Shel, just go with the flow.

Sheldon:
What flow? There isn't any flow.

Vince Ricardo:
Sometimes I'm so smart I scare myself.

Sheldon:
There's no reason to shoot at me, I'm a dentist.

Sheldon:
You were involved in the Bay of Pigs?

Vince Ricardo:
Involved? That was my idea.

Tommy:
Dad and his mysterious phone calls.

Vince Ricardo:
What the hell do you mean by that?

Tommy:
Nothing. You're just always making these weird calls in back rooms and pay booths...

Vince Ricardo:
You little snot-nose! Those phone calls put you through college!

Vince Ricardo:
I was in the jungle - the bush we called it - for approximately nine months...

Sheldon:
Nine months! That must have really been something!

Vince Ricardo:
It was. I saw things... They have tsetse flies down there the size of eagles.

[On working for the CIA]

Vince Ricardo:
Are you interested in joining? The benefits are terrific. The trick is not to get killed. That's really the key to the benefit program.

Vince Ricardo:
You know, I'm such a great driver, it's incomprehensible that they took my license away.

Sheldon:
I have flames on my car. I HAVE FLAMES ON MY CAR!

Vince Ricardo:
Serpentine Shelly. Serpentine!

Vince Ricardo:
Son, do you remember when we used to play ball on Nagle Avenue?

Tommy:
No dad, we talked about playing ball on Nagle Avenue, but we never did.

Sheldon:
I've only had four women in my life. Two of them, my wife!

General Garcia:
We have no blindfolds senor, we are a poor country!

General Garcia:
I am a pacifist by nature with a deep Quaker belief in the sanctity of human life. I wish I had a choice but to kill you.

Sheldon:
Please God, don't let me die on West 31st Street!

General Garcia:
[commenting on his choice for a new national flag, featuring a portrait of himself alongside a topless local prostitute] If it wasn't for the church, this flag would be flying at the U.N right now. But no... they stand in the way, THEY STAND IN THE WAY!

Vince Ricardo:
What do you think will happen when they run off this dough... and there's trillions of extra dollars, francs, and marks floating around? You've got a collapse of confidence in the currency. People are gonna panic. There's gonna be gold riots, atonal music... political chaos, mass suicide. Right? It's Germany before Hitler. You can see that. Jesus, I don't know what people are gonna do... when a six-pack of Budweisers costs $1,200. That'll be awful.

Sheldon:
Is he dead?

Vince Ricardo:
If he's alive, he's putting on a hell of an act, ain't he?