The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Burt Wonderstone:
What the hell is a webisode?

Rick the Implausible:
Are you being serious? What's a webisode? It's... it's a show that you do on the internet, just like being on TV or having a movie except you don't go... through... you know all the hassle of... people seeing it.

Burt Wonderstone:
Are you a lesbian, Nicole?

Jane:
Is every woman who doesn't sleep with you a lesbian?

Burt Wonderstone:
Oh, no, I have slept with plenty of lesbians.

Rance Holloway:
I quit the business, I don't read the trades and I'm late for my coma.

Steve Gray:
I take people's nightmares and turn them into dream-realities.

Rance Holloway:
What the f*** is a dream-reality?

Rance Holloway:
God damn! That's the worst thing I ever saw in my life. And I saw my kids being born!

Burt Wonderstone:
The life of a child magician.

Jane:
Yes. Try being a girl child magician. They called me Magic B*tch.

Jane:
[after Gray burns his skin for a trick] That is a terrible trick to do for children. What if they try and copy you?

Steve Gray:
I'll sue them. It's my trick.

Burt Wonderstone:
Anton, what could possibly go wrong?

Anton Marvelton:
Somebody could die, we can go to prison.

Burt Wonderstone:
See? When you say it out loud, it doesn't sound so bad.

Jane:
I had imaginary friends, and even they were mean.

Burt Wonderstone:
Now this is a classic.

Steve Gray:
Meaning: it's been done.

Steve Gray:
Your skin makes me cry.

Steve Gray:
Pretend I'm still here and tell me all about it.

Burt Wonderstone:
[Wonderstone confronts Gray in a bar] Mr. Gray. What you do is not magic. It is monkey porn.

Steve Gray:
I understand. It's natural for a dying leaf to be frightened by the autumn wind.

Rance Holloway:
[watching Steve Gray perform] This is what they call magic these days? This is some kind of terrible sh*t!

Jane:
[Burt and Jane visit Rance in the hospital] What happened?

Rance Holloway:
I had a stroke. I don't recommend it, either. It's not as much fun as they tell you in the brochure.

Burt Wonderstone:
Can I ask you something?

Rance Holloway:
If you feel you should.

Doug Munny:
[asking Burt and Anton to update their act] You've been doing the same sh*t since I hired you. You even come on stage to that same god damn song.

Burt Wonderstone:
It's called "Abracadabra", and it is considered a modern classic.

Doug Munny:
It's sh*t.

Burt Wonderstone:
[dismissive of Gray's "magic" act] Let me tell you about Steve Gray. All that guy does is mumble and cut himself. Anybody can do that. My niece does that.

Burt Wonderstone:
Do you think this batch is ready?

Anton Marvelton:
I don't know. Check it.

[Burt takes the lid off the pot and they immediately fall to the floor; after a few moments they stand up and approach the pot]

Burt Wonderstone:
Do you think this batch is ready?

Anton Marvelton:
I don't know. Check it.

[Burt takes the lid off the pot and they immediately fall to the floor again]

[shooting his cable series, Steve Gray has taunted an audience member into punching him in the face]

Anton Marvelton:
Jesus. Was that guy a plant?

Burt Wonderstone:
That looked like a real punch.

[after splitting with Anton, Burt tries to do their act by himself]

Doug Munny:
That was sh*t! That was sh*t! That was sh*t!

Burt Wonderstone:
I thought it went pretty damn well.

Doug Munny:
It was a train wreck!

Burt Wonderstone:
[for a trick, Steve Gray put a puppy in Burt's pants] He put a dog in my pants, Jane.

Jane:
I know.

Burt Wonderstone:
No one's ever done that to me before.

Jane:
I... hope not.

Burt Wonderstone:
He was teething!

Burt Wonderstone:
[landing on Anton after falling out of the Hot Box] Ow, your face caught me right in the knee.