The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love

Evie:
I have to traverse my own landscape.

Randy:
You know I hate math... and English... and History.

Friend:
God, Evie, if you were going to turn gay, you'd think you could at least choose someone's who's pretty.

Evie:
I didn't say I was gay. I said I was in love.

Randy:
I don't want to shock you or anything, but I really want to hold your hand right now. I've been wanting to hold your hand all day.

Evie:
I've held hands with a girl before.

Randy:
With a girl like me?

Evie:
No I guess not. But what's the worst that could happen?

Randy:
We could get the sh*t kicked out of us is all.

Evie:
Just for holding hands? I don't believe that.

Randy:
God Evie, you are so sheltered.

Evie:
[holding out her hand] Then unshelter me.

[after Wendy's husband has grabbed Randy by the neck and threatened her]

Wendy:
I just wanted to say that you-know-who is all brawn and no bite.

Randy:
Thanks for the info.

[Lena is knocking on doors at the motel looking for Evie and Randy and finds two elderly women in one room]

Lena:
Hi, I'm looking for two teenage girls.

Old Lady:
Did our husbands send you?

Randy:
I'll have a beer.

Waitress:
What kind?

Randy:
A Mick.

Waitress:
A what?

Randy:
A Mick... ya know, Michelob?

Waitress:
You got ID?

Randy:
[pretends to look for ID] Sh*t, ya know, I must've left it at work.

Waitress:
No ID, no Mick.

Randy:
Alright then, I'll have a cup of joe.

Waitress:
A what?

[both girls look at her incredulously]

Waitress:
Just kidding, two cups of coffee coming up.

Randy:
Everyone's got to be a kidder.

Evie:
I know this sounds weird but I just can't put the air in the tires because I think they're going to blow up in my face.

Randy:
Well, actually, you know, tires don't blow up from having air put in them, but um, I'll put some air in it if you want me to.

Hayjay:
Evie, why haven't we seen each other?

Evie:
Why? Why is the sky blue, okay? Why does the earth turn? Why are people the way they are? Why isn't anyone fighting for change?

Hayjay:
I don't know.

Evie:
Why does Ted always tell you what to do? Why do you always listen to him?

Hayjay:
Wait a minute, I'm asking you a simple question. It deserves a simple answer.

Evie:
I'm at my wit's end. I really am. I don't know what to do anymore.

Randy:
Try going out with a married woman.

Evie:
Excuse me?

Randy:
Oh nothing. I just said everybody needs love, that's all.

Randy:
I think proms are stupid.

Vicky:
God, I would've given anything to go to the prom if I had a girlfriend in high school.

Lena:
I went to the prom with a girl.

Vicky:
Going with your sister doesn't count, Lena.

Lena:
She's a good dancer.

Regina:
Don't tell me you wouldn't want to go to the prom with your girlfriend, Randy.

Randy:
First off, I don't have a girlfriend. Second off, I think proms are stupid. And third off, if I went to the prom, I would go with Frank.

Lena:
Frank's a good dancer.

Hayjay:
Why do you always make everything an intellectual thing? You never see things from an emotional point of view.

Randy:
I like poems. I mean, do you like Billie Holiday? I think she's kind of a poet.

Evelyn Roy:
Evie, do you have something you want to tell me?

Evie:
What? No.

Evelyn Roy:
Honey, if you can't tell me, you can't tell anyone. You know that.

Evie:
Mom, why is it that every time I try to separate from you, which is a totally normal adolescent impulse, and in fact, crucial to my adult development, you come back with that weird thing about me telling you what I can't tell the rest of the world?

Randy:
You know, I'm depraved on account of I'm deprived.

Lena:
[Reading off the nutritional facts on a bag of chips] Mono and diglycerides...

Vicky:
Lena, if you don't stop reading that stuff out loud, I'm going to kill you.

Evie:
Listen, if you guys can't handle it, then you can just dump me right now and not be my friends any more. I'm telling you though, I am still the same Evie. If you can't take it, then you can just get up and leave and we'll never have to speak again.

Randy:
What's symbiotic mean?

Evie:
It means when you're really, really close to someone. Like, too close. Like um... an infant and its mother.

Randy:
I knew that.

Randy:
Evie, there's somebody downstairs. Evie! What if it's a murderer or something?

Evie:
[nonchalantly] Okay.

Evelyn Roy:
[as Randy runs out of bedroom] It's a girl! Get her out of here!

Frank:
I swear I don't know where they are.

Regina:
Frank, do you want us to torture you, or what?

Frank:
You already are torturing me.

Vicky:
Don't hurt him, darling.

Evelyn Roy:
Frank, you have to tell us where they are. We have a major crisis on our hands.

Lena:
I'll let you borrow my boxing gloves, Frank.

Frank:
Oh Jeez.

Regina:
We made it through another day.

Lena:
Thank the goddess.

Randy:
Some a**hole at work called me "sir" again today.

Randy:
[about Mozart's Requiem] What are they saying?

Evie:
I have no idea. Something in Latin. Isn't it beautiful?

Randy:
How do you know it's beautiful if you can't understand it?

Evie:
You just know.

Randy:
[after admitting she's having a fling with a married woman] You're not weirded out, are you?

Evie:
No. No. Not at all. I mean, why should I be?

Randy:
Well, most people are. At least most people at our school.

Evie:
Well, I'm not most people.

Evie:
This is a really great cookbook... Antoine's. It's amazing.

Randy:
Who's Antoine?

Evie:
I don't know.

Randy:
You don't know?

Evie:
No.

Randy:
Why do you have his cookbook?

Friend:
Um, you know, you should see if you can get that movie on video, Evie. It was pretty good.

Evelyn Roy:
We're having a little crisis on our hands. We're trying to get Evie to come out with her new friend... Randy?

Friend:
Randy's already out, Mrs. Roy.

Friend #2:
I don't think that's what she meant.

Evie:
I think that people should act out of love, not obligation.

Randy:
[Practicing what to say to Evie] Hey, Evie, you wanna meet my weird family and eat organic pasta at my house?