The Invisible Man

The Keeper:
When you're invisible, the only one really watching you is you.

Darien Fawkes:
Wow. How about you print that out and put it on a key chain for me.

The Keeper:
It is my job to keep you safe.

Darien Fawkes:
"That's a bunch of crock. You care about me like you care about that rat."

Darien Fawkes:
By the way, I want my tombstone to say, "Too late, he's already dead." You know, just in case more people show up wanting to screw my life over.

Darien Fawkes:
A great 20th century philosopher, Charles Schulz, once had Linus observe that "Big sisters are the crabgrass on the lawn of life." I guess the same could be said of big brothers.

Darien Fawkes:
What, you never had an invisible friend?

Robert Hobbes:
I had invisible enemies.

Darien Fawkes:
From now on, the glass is half full.

The Keeper:
Much better.

Darien Fawkes:
Unforunately it's filled with blood.

Darien Fawkes:
Hey, could you explain something to me? Now that I can go invisible, I can't be let out of sight! Now how does that make sense?

The Keeper:
You see, it doesn't have to. When you're invisible, the only person who can truly watch you is yourself.

Darien Fawkes:
Wow, could you print that up and put that on a keychain for me?

Darien Fawkes:
You're in the spy business and you don't have a safe house?

The Official:
It was either a safe house or the electric bill.

[Voice-over during theme]

Darien Fawkes:
There once was a story about a man that could turn invisible. I thought it was only a story until it happened to me. You see, there's this stuff called quicksilver that bends light. My brother and some scientists made into a synthetic gland and that's where I come in. You see, I was facing life in prison, so we made a deal, they put the gland in my brain, I walk free. The operation was a complete success, but that's where everything started to go wrong.

[Repeated line]

Darien Fawkes:
Aww, crap!

Darien Fawkes:
Being blackmailed by the government really gets a guy in touch with his emotions.

Darien Fawkes:
The Scottish philosopher Balfour said that destiny is the scapegoat we make responsible for our crimes. He was probably right, too, but I bet he was real dull at parties.

Darien Fawkes:
A patriot poet, Walt Whitman, once sang, 'Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.' This from a guy who was in love with his own smell. He contained multitudes of stank.

Darien Fawkes:
A lady once asked famous painter and momma's boy James Whistler if he thought genius was hereditary. His answer was basically, 'I don't know. Never had any kids.'

Darien Fawkes:
They say, 'He who sups with the Devil needs a long spoon.' I was making dinner reservations for two...

Darien Fawkes:
I've learned a lotta things since I started working with Bobby Hobbes. The names of all the most popular anti-depressants for starters.

Darien Fawkes:
You gotta fix me.

The Keeper:
Did you break yourself already?

Darien Fawkes:
Look I'm telling you, this thing they put in my head. I think it's evil, and I think it's trying to take over.

The Keeper:
It's a bio-synthetic gland. It's not evil.

Darien Fawkes:
"Would it be possible for you to look at me while we're talking?

[the Keeper turns to face Darien]

The Keeper:
The gland secretes the quicksilver that makes you invisible, but it also spikes your epinev...

Darien Fawkes:
...levels which causes the violent behavior.

The Keeper:
Yeah, that.

Darien Fawkes:
Well it also turned me into a walking time bomb.

The Keeper:
Well, if you get your shots of counteragent you won't go off.

Darien Fawkes:
Which brings us back to square one. I need a shot.

Darien Fawkes:
There's an old saying: "Every man is a genius until he opens his mouth." I decided to save Hobbes the trouble.

Albert Eberts:
Great news, Robert. I was able to pull a few strings and managed to get you you're very own staple remover.

Robert Hobbes:
That's great. You know, I'm a highly trained, decorated field agent, Eberts. I could kill a man right now with my bare hands.

Albert Eberts:
But can you collate?

Darien Fawkes:
I'm going mute as we speak.

Albert Eberts:
I love the smell of toner in the morning.

Albert Eberts:
I couldn't help but notice that mark on your chin.

Robert Hobbes:
Oh, right there. Yeah. Uh-huh. Bar fight in Madrid. A couple of Basque separatists took exceptions to my political views. Of course, I may have said something about soccer being the world's most boring sport.

Albert Eberts:
Zero-to-zero after four hours? I fail to understand its appeal.

Albert Eberts:
Sir, may I have permission to go to the file room?

The Keeper:
Albert, we're less than twenty-four hours from being vaporized and you want to finish up paper work?

Robert Hobbes:
Leave him be. It comforts him.

Robert Hobbes:
I have met three presidents. I have captured terrorists. I deserve to die in action, Eberts, not just to be filed away!

Albert Eberts:
What you regard as inconsequential dental forms are in fact more, much more.

Robert Hobbes:
Oh God.

Albert Eberts:
They are in fact symbols, symbols of America. When all the world will little note, nor longer remember what we have done today in these hallowed halls, I tell you this with no degree of uncertainty that forms filed in triplicate are the very foundation of democracy. Why do we file, Robert, why? One word... Freedom.

Robert Hobbes:
One of my shrinks once said this to me, heal the past, live for the present, dream of the future.

Darien Fawkes:
What's her name anyway?

Robert Hobbes:
"The", last name "Keeper"

The Keeper:
Did you have to drop this on the ground, Darien?

Darien Fawkes:
I was on my way to get a breakfast Burrito when I pulled a rat skeleton out of my pocket. What did you want me to do? Hug him? Pet him? Call him George?

Darien Fawkes:
I'm trying to make the cover of Lab Rat Monthly.

Darien Fawkes:
The U.S. Postal Service promises that 'Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays their couriers from their swift completion of their appointed routes'. But gunfire?... Now, I found that that tends to bring most routines to a screeching halt.

Darien Fawkes:
A babe named Princess Diana once said that 'If men had to have babies, they would only have one'. Truer words were never spoken.

Darien Fawkes:
George Orwell said that 'Myths which are believed in, tend to become true'. Now, I've never been big on belief, but I believe in something now. That a big chunk of myth is locked inside my head. Yeah, I figure that makes me about two percent myth, myself. Two percent of everything people disregard, disbelieve and secretly hope is real.

Darien Fawkes:
Leo Tolstoi , he once observed that 'All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way'. Which made my family about as unique as it gets. Eh, what little was left of it.

[Final quote of final episode]

Darien Fawkes:
Ray Bradbury said, 'I don't try to describe the future. I try to prevent it'. Eh, I figured it was time I took that kind of control.

Darien Fawkes:
Time out! How'd you know I was here?

Thug:
My spidey sense was tingling.

Arnaud:
You're sharp.

Robert Hobbes:
As a tack.

[Darien is sick]

Darien Fawkes:
Those three wise men known as The Beastie Boys have been known to say "Let's get ill!" [sneezes] Screw them.

[repeated line]

The Official:
Shut up, Eberts.

Darien Fawkes:
They say necessity is the mother of invention. And when the necessity is survival, she can be one mean mother. Of course, it is her child, invention, who is the really dangerous one.

[repeated line]

Arnaud:
Little prick.

Allianora:
[the Official steps into the padded cell] [without even looking at him] Before we start, I'm totally inoculated against the "Alice in Wonderland" technique, as well as the Wexler-Mendelson sensory deprivation. And please don't waste my time with the Stemler-Rochet debilitary. Okay?

Kevin Fawkes:
[writing in a notebook to Darien] Darien, James Bevel wrote "If a man doesn't find anything to die for, he probably hasn't have anything to live for." At first, you may not understand why I did this. In fact, I'm sure you won't. I can only hope you can forgive me until you do. I've decided not to tell them how to remove the gland. Even though you may fear it I believe that it's made you a better man, closer to your true self. I know you'll get there. I'm proud of how far you've already come.

Darien Fawkes:
You can pick on me all you like, but don't you ever *ever* mess with my brother.

The Keeper:
[As Fawkes is strangling Arnud] If you kill him, you will not survive!

Darien Fawkes:
Well as long as he goes first.

The Keeper:
Fine. Fine. Fine. Kill him, but-but-but kill him later! Right now you could- you could - you could TRASH his place! [Fawkes drops Arnud. Turns and walks slowly to Claire]

Darien Fawkes:
You do not tell me what to do. I am so sick of you manipulating me. Let me explain something for you, if I wanna trash his place. Oh, I'll trash his place. [picks up a table and throws it out a window.]

The Keeper:
There's - there's a really obnoxious sculpture in the Foyer. [Darien leaves the room. To Arnud] If you don't give me the answer now, I SWEAR I will turn him loose on you again!

Robert Albert Hobbes:
[after the Keeper shoots him with a tranquilizer dart] All you had to do is ask.

Darien Fawkes:
[pulling out a syringe with the retrovirus] You ready to die again? [removes his Jacket and puts the needle in his mouth]

Robert Albert Hobbes:
We both know that can't harm me now, Fawkes.

Darien Fawkes:
Yeah. We both [removes the needle from his mouth] We both know it'll kill me, right? So it's pretty simple here to save me, you're gonna have to tell me how to stop it. [puts the needle in his own leg]

Robert Albert Hobbes:
I will not do that.

Darien Fawkes:
Yeah, you will. Yes, you will. You would die for me, Bobby. ... See that's what I know, it's not cause it's your job or your code. It's cause I'm your friend. And if you think that's an illusion, then you're just plain ignorant.

Darien Fawkes:
You ever hear the term "honor amongst thieves." That's a myth. Fear amongst thieves, maybe. Basic relationship is, "You stab my back, I'll stab yours." Now if you look at it that way, Manny Merrick is a very honorable guy.

Robert Albert Hobbes:
You have no real power.

The Official:
What?

Robert Albert Hobbes:
You're a bureaucrat. Your power trickles down through the system. You're a paper pusher, a desk jockey, a toothless tiger.

The Official:
Hobbes, one more word out of you and you're out of this Organization.

Robert Albert Hobbes:
Here's two: I quit.

[Hobbes hands his badge to the Official]

Darien Fawkes:
Yeah, well, Hobbes the thing you're forgetting here is, they're not your abilities.

Robert Albert Hobbes:
Were you born with the quicksilver gland? It's a gift, Fawkes. It's a beautiful gift. And I have this gift now.

Darien Fawkes:
Yeah, yeah. Well I'd like to be free of my gift, friend, okay?

Darien Fawkes:
The keeper is working on a way to reverse this thing.

Robert Albert Hobbes:
I know how to reverse it, Fawkes. I don't *want* to reverse it. I understand things now. Things that you'll never, ever, ever, understand.

The Keeper:
If you hadn't so recently vomited, I would kiss you!

Robert Hobbes:
I could eat a mint.

Robert Hobbes:
All right. Let's review our options: Quicksilver madness - dead. Unchecked infection - dead. Escape the building - dead. Stay in the building until Protocol Thirty-Four elapses - dead.

Darien Fawkes:
Oh, you left out being struck by a giant meteor.

Darien Fawkes:
Answer the question, how do you know he gave her the right shot?

The Keeper:
Why wouldn't he?

Darien Fawkes:
Because maybe Gloria's right. Yeah maybe the Official assigned him to keep you from finding a cure.

The Keeper:
But why would he do that?

Darien Fawkes:
Because Gloria being sick is the only thing keeping the Keeper.

The Official:
[The Keeper and Darien enter his office] I gotta get lock!

The Keeper:
Did you assign him to purposely derail my research?

The Official:
Now why would I do that?

The Keeper:
To keep me working here?

The Official:
Did he put this idea in your head?

Darien Fawkes:
Guilty.

The Official:
You really think that *low* of me, Fawkes?

Darien Fawkes:
Well, yeah!

The Official:
[chuckles] Yeah it does sound like something I *might* do.

The Official:
Where you going?

Darien Fawkes:
I'm going to bust that scrawny little rat's ass.

The Official:
[rising out of his chair] No! [Fawkes stops. Fawkes and the Keeper stare at him]

Darien Fawkes:
Why not?

The Official:
Because I've been waiting for this opportunity for 10 long years.

General Grimmond:
[as he's being arrested] Well what do you want? You want your old job back?

The Official:
[chuckles] Are you kidding me? I love my current job. I don't have to take any crap from buzzheads like you.

Darien Fawkes:
What about you huh? What are you going to do now?

The Keeper:
What do you mean?

Darien Fawkes:
Well, I mean there's no reason for you to work at the Agency anymore?

The Keeper:
That's not true. I have a *very* important* reason. Assuming you're still gonna be there.

Darien Fawkes:
... Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I could stick around for a while.

Gloria Howard:
You told my family I was dead. Why did you do that if you expected me to ever go home?

The Keeper:
*I* didn't tell them that Gloria. The Department of Defense told them.

Gloria Howard:
But you didn't set them straight, did you? You didn't tell them the truth.

The Keeper:
[shakes head] No. I never did that.

Gloria Howard:
You haven't been telling the truth to anybody.

The Keeper:
I've tried to. It's just been very difficult.

Robert Albert Hobbes:
If you'd have listened to me and worn the HAZMAT suit like I told you, we wouldn't be in this mess!

Darien Fawkes:
What do you mean "we?"

Darien Fawkes:
Don't you think I have the right to know why I'm the subject of two agency experiments?

The Keeper:
IT WASN'T THE AGENCY!

The Keeper:
We have a new trial antidote. We need to do some more testing on it. But I'm pretty sure it's going to work.

Darien Fawkes:
What the hell are you waiting for? Will you give it to me?

The Keeper:
No. No. It's too dangerous.

Darien Fawkes:
Give it to me.

The Keeper:
[sighs] Wait here.

Gloria Howard:
[looking at Darien after he's been cured spoken jokingly] So it didn't work on you either. ... [serious] I'm glad it did. At least I don't have to feel guilty about that.

The Keeper:
I think it wants to... mate... with you.

Darien Fawkes:
Pardon me?

The Keeper:
It all makes sense to me now. Remember when it licked you?

Darien Fawkes:
Yeah. Wait- Wait a minute. You're joking right? I don't know if I mentioned this before I'm hanging upside down. I'm not in the mood to be joking right now, Keep.

The Keeper:
No. I'm not joking. I'm not joking! I think your gland is giving off some kind of pheremone that's causing it to think you're one of its own.

Darien Fawkes:
Crap! She's almost here! What am I supposed to do?

The Keeper:
Well, okay. There's one other thing you need to know. I've known this for along time - I just - I have not told you because I've never thought it would be relevent until now.

Robert Albert Hobbes:
Spit it out!

The Keeper:
Darien. Darien, the chromosomal make up of the gland is XX. Which means that even though you are a male. The gland is female. [Darien drops the cell phone]

Darien Fawkes:
Don't worry about it. He's just pretending to be stupid. It's insulting.

The Official:
No, Darien. You're the one insulting your brother's memory.

Darien Fawkes:
[getting angry] What did you say?

Robert Albert Hobbes:
Easy partner.

The Official:
Kevin Fawkes designed the quicksilver gland out of his own insight, using his own talent, his intuition. This 10 foot tall creature who leaves no evidence save some questionable footprints. This *windigo* is a myth!

Darien Fawkes:
Ahh [rises from chair starts to walk away then turns around] We never said how tall it was!

Darien Fawkes:
There was a mime. I beat the Hell out of a mime. What happened to him? Is he okay?

Robert Hobbes:
Relax, he did not recover.

Darien Fawkes:
Thank God.

Darien:
My conscience was calling, and it was time to pick up the phone.

Darien:
[thinking after seeing his girlfriend and almost attacking her] It took all my will to put the demon back in its bottle. But even that couldn't prepare me for what was coming next. [One man approaches Darien] Who the hell are you? [another sneaks up behind him and knocks him out] I had no idea who they were, but I can tell you this much. Their car was really cheap.

Darien:
I mean don't you get it? I could have raped that woman. I could have killed you.

Kevin Fawkes:
You are not going to kill anybody. Darien, please trust me. I will take care of you.

Darien:
[disbelieving nod] Yeah, you know what? I'd say you already did that.

Kevin Fawkes:
It was my fault. It was all my fault.

Darien:
Next time, you're gonna trust me, right?

Kevin Fawkes:
Yeah, next time I'll .. [Door opens in front of them. A man with uzi appears]

Darien, Kevin Fawkes:
Oh crap!

Kevin Fawkes:
[after his been shot] You don't let them have what's inside of you. You be smarter than them, okay. You be smarter than me. [dies in Darien's arms.]

Darien Fawkes:
Time flies when you're having fun, or in a coma. I'd been unconscious nearly three weeks. Just enough time for every muscle in my body to go on strike.

Kevin:
We have to think about premature visibility.

Darien Fawkes:
Premature visibility.

Kevin:
It can happen if you get distracted.

Darien Fawkes:
Well, then we need to get some uglier nurses.

Arnaud:
This is Dr. DeThiel. Code four, I repeat, code four! I need all security staff online, now!

Security Chief:
[into walkie-talkie] Calm down, Dr. DeThiel. What seems to be the problem here?

Arnaud:
Well, it seems some joker put plastic explosives in all your walkie-talkies!

[hits detonator]

Arnaud:
.

Arnaud:
[injecting Darien] Little prick. Really Monsieur, I'd no idea you were so educated. I rather thought that was your brother's domain.

Darien:
Yeah, well, I guess, you know, don't believe everything you think.

Arnaud:
[getting another needle] You see, I understand. I have an elder brother myself. Things become quite competitive. Perhaps we could compare notes sometime.

Darien:
Absolutely! I would love that! Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Then maybe you could teach me some Swiss douche.

Arnaud:
Excuse me?

Darien:
That's your language right?

Arnaud:
Ah, that's Swiss *Deutsch*, Swiss German. I'm Swiss French.

[Arnaud gets another needle]

Darien:
So you don't douche?

Arnaud:
Monsieur!

Darien:
Relax man. I'm just ribbing you.

[Darien laughs]

Darien:
Hell, I love Swiss stuff. You know: knives and clocks and cheese...

Arnaud:
[injecting, double entendre] Little prick.

[pointing a gun at his head]

Darien Fawkes:
No one move, or the gland gets it!

Darien Fawkes:
A schmuck named Nietzsche once wrote: 'Anything that's done out of love is beyond good and evil.' Now, here's the thing: I love my job. So what does that make me? My feeling always was, good and evil could kiss my ass. But one night... well, they kinda got together and bit me on it.

Darien Fawkes:
In his very first story, Sherlock Holmes met his match. Her name was Irene Adler, but as Dr. Watson points out, 'She was always The Woman'. The Woman who eluded him. The Woman who got away. For Sherlock, it was a mystery. For me... it was elementary.

Darien Fawkes:
To Darien Fawkes, Jessica Semplar will always be the kid. On the whole, it was nothing new. All the women in my life leave me. Difference is, to them I was a man. To her I was magic. How do you say goodbye to that?

Robert Hobbes:
You were supposed to get the calamari!

Darien Fawkes:
The what?

Robert Hobbes:
You heard me.

Darien Fawkes:
No, I didn't. What did you say?

Robert Hobbes:
Kalahari. Whatever.

Robert Albert Hobbes:
Hi Lewis. How's death been treating you?

Luke Lawson:
He can go invisible. I know, I know it sounds insane. But I've seen him do it myself. That's why no one could detect him going into the house.

The Official:
Mr. Lawson is right. He's obviously more competent than me. I had an invisible agent working for me and I didn't even know it.

Darien Fawkes:
You know what, he's right. Actually I can go invisible. [Darien walks to Lawson, and quicksilvers his hand.]

Luke Lawson:
Okay, there, he just did it. See? His hand, he just did it with his hand, see? I'm not crazy. [Darien turns around pops his hand out from under his jacket sleeve]

Darien Fawkes:
Pop! Hey Judge, what do you say we make *him* disappear, huh?

Darien Fawkes:
The Gilbert of Gilbert and Sullivan once wrote, 'Things are seldom what they seem: Skim milk masquerades as cream'. Well, of course he was then promptly beaten up by every kid in the school yard... Look, the point is, we probably learned more about Eberts when he was Arnaud, than we ever would've from Eberts himself.