The Jeff Foxworthy Show

Sandi:
You know I am a 36-year-old single woman who's babysitting for free on a friday night. Where are the perks?

Jeff Foxworthy:
We got Twizzlers.

Sandi:
Okay.

Jeff Foxworthy:
You are very easily satisfied Sandi. I'm really surprised you don't date more.

Russ Francis:
[to Jeff] She wants you and she wants you bad because you don't smell to good right now.

Jeff Foxworthy:
Okay, tip your waiter. Try the nachos. If anyone's interested there's seventy-five cents in the urinal.

Walt Bacon:
Did I ever tell you I got stuck in a vent once? Big freon leak. Didn't effect me any. [pause] Did I ever tell you I got stuck in a vent once?

Matt Foxworthy:
[reffering to a nice christian couple] You're right, Mom. They are pathetic

Karen Foxworthy:
Honey, do you even know what pathetic means?

Matt Foxworthy:
Yea... it means they're losers and they'll never win anything

Wayne Foxworthy:
Hey everybody! I'm Wayne, Matt's uncle! I have been on fire! Who wants candy!?

Karen Foxworthy:
You know what you should get? One of those wonder bras.

Gayle:
I'm wearing one!

Jeff Foxworthy:
[opens door] Dennis!

Dennis:
Oh I can see this is where you moved my house.

Jeff Foxworthy:
Well if I couldn't have you I wanted your stuff. Now I have both!

Wayne Foxworthy:
Here she is! The woman who makes life worth liv'in, the girl who puts the WEEEE in LOUISIANA: DEEDEE LANDROU!

Jeff Foxworthy:
[Matt just made the "Stripper music" sound when DeeDee's name was said; Of Course Jeff told him to do that; jokingly]... I'm so proud!

Elliot:
Look at me wildlife! I'm a redneck!

Lois:
Your father and I spent our fifth anniversary at the Eifel Tower, but this is nice.

Gayle:
What do you think of all this?

Jeff Foxworthy:
Oh come on Gayle. I don't want my chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Elliot:
Good heavens mother they've got a wise man in there closet.

Lois:
Kinky.

Santa:
I don't need to live this lie any longer! Wal-Mart needs a greater! Hey, get that camera out of my face! [runs away]

Gayle:
[walking back through the door] I just realized I forgot something

Karen Foxworthy:
What's that?

Gayle:
HOW MUCH I HATE DENNIS!

Jeff Foxworthy:
[reading Wayne's yearbook] Dear Wayne, you are a little brat. I hope you die over summer vacation.

Wayne Foxworthy:
Man that was one angry lunch lady.

Craig Lesko:
Ahh, a haircut on the front porch. Its touching, its heart warming and its got to stop.

Karen Foxworthy:
Clould you do these Christmas cards for me?

Jeff Foxworthy:
Sure thing.

Walt Bacon:
[coughs] Wuss! Wuss!

Jeff Foxworthy:
[coughs] Fired! Fired!

Walt Bacon:
You should write a country song about us. You could call it, uh, "My Air Ain't Nearly As Cold As Your Heart"

Russ Francis:
or,uh..."My Woman Couldn't Warm Me Up , So I Found A Spaceheater That Could"

Travis Tritt:
[giving a lightly disgusted funny look] Thanks, guys, but I think I'd like to keep my career... Or else I'd have to go back to my dead-end job

Jeff Foxworthy:
Yeah? What was that?

Travis Tritt:
[making a joke]... Heating and Air

Jeff Foxworthy:
[everyone laughs] Hey, He just insulted us. Why are we laughing?

Russ Francis:
He makes us nervous

Travis Tritt:
[notices Jeff without any pants on yet, Karen, and Matt are in his bed JUST AS he woke up; Russ is about to take a picture]... Is it safe to assume that my heater has been fixed?

Raymond:
Lets see, bacon and eggs, naked women. You make a compelling argument Jeff.

Elliot:
Oh great, another little Foxworthy running around.

Karen Foxworthy:
Do you realize when you talk to him, your southern accent comes out more?

Jeff Foxworthy:
Yep! It just runs up his butt that he lives next door to Foghorn Leghorn!

Matt Foxworthy:
Dad, what's a redneck?

Gayle:
Hey, Matt! What'd 'ya learn in school today?

Matt Foxworthy:
That girls really don't like it when you stick your tongue out at them

Gayle:
Ohhh you just give 'em time

Matt Foxworthy:
[softly,adorably] After the game, Can we take the team out for Burgers, Fries, and Chocolate Shakes? [Jeff nods and Matt hugs him]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Anywhere but Sparky Burger

Jeff Foxworthy:
[Jeff, Matt, and the team end up at Sparky Burger and a clown is being VERY noisy]... Ohhh, Lord. Please don't let me beat up a clown

Jeff Foxworthy:
[Matt purposely didn't acknowledge Jeff] So now I'M the bad guy?

Karen Foxworthy:
Allright, you want me to go talk to him?

Jeff Foxworthy:
[sarcastically] No... he's just jealous of the baby. Maybe the're's a chapter on it in the "Mom's having A baby" book... Why'd I dog-ear that page?... OHHH, breast-feeding

Wayne Foxworthy:
[after Matt and Jeff moon the car next to them, not realizing Karen was in the next car]... uhh Jeff, Did you happen to get a look at who was in the next car?

Jeff Foxworthy:
It wasn't exactly my EYES that we're staring them in the face

Wayne Foxworthy:
'cause,uhh, I think you just mooned your wife!

Matt Foxworthy:
[laughing] Good one, Dad!

Wayne Foxworthy:
What are YOU laughing at, Junior Butt? You just mooned your mom!

Gayle:
[after Jeff and Matt mooned them] STOP IT! What was that?

Karen Foxworthy:
[laughing hysterically] You want my professionaly opinion?... WE JUST GOT MOONED!

DeeDee:
Hmm, Girls, A little HAM before our ICE CREAM!

Lois:
[to Elliot in burly voice] Your not like other guys. Your a stud.

Gayle:
Oh, I can't watch this! [runs away]

Reverend:
I mean this in the kindest way possible but you are the oddest people I've ever met. God bless you.

DeeDee:
[accidentally saw Karen give birth; walks out in a daze] Wayne... honey... We can wait on the family for a while

Gayle:
No one cares about the stupid hat!

Jeff Foxworthy:
Hey what kind of car you drive?

Elliot:
I've seem to have forgotten. Let me go check. [walks out the door]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Hes not coming back is he? [car drives away in background]

Walt Bacon:
Swiss cheese my butt!

Jeff Foxworthy:
Oh my god! How old is she?

Matt Foxworthy:
Really old! Fifteen!

Jeff Foxworthy:
[asking about swimming teacher] How old is she?

Matt Foxworthy:
really old!... 15

Walt Bacon:
I am not a crook!

Jeff Foxworthy:
[Karen is pregnant and naucious, Jeff is in a fake redneck voice] OK, It's time to play everyones' favorite first trimester game: How Sick Is She?... [Answer] I'm going for: Sick As A Dog