The Jewel of the Nile

Jewel:
We are sworn, Just Joan.

Joan Wilder:
Right, but it's just "Joan."

Jewel:
Right - Just Joan.

[while surrounded by native Africans]

Jack Colton:
Just keep smiling. Maybe they'll think we're with National Geographic.

[At a Sufi celebration]

Ralph:
Look at these guys, Colton. No sheep is safe tonight.

Ralph:
You're all I thought about for six months. They threw me in a jail filled with rejects from the communicable disease ward. Every wacko, drippy, open-sored low-life was in that joint, all of them wanting to hire on as my proctologist.

Omar:
Jack is dead.

Joan Wilder:
Don't be ridiculous! Jack would never die without telling me.

[Jack, Joan, and the Jewel are being shot at]

Jewel:
Do not worry. I'm sure it's not my destiny to die on this mountain.

Joan:
What about us?

Jewel:
[pause] That's another ball game.

Joan Wilder:
I'm going to write the truth about you!

Omar:
The truth? If I wanted the truth, I would have hired 60 Minutes.

Jack Colton:
It's looking more like 90-10, eh Kumquat?

Ralph:
Come on, Colton! Where's the jewel?

Jewel:
Ralph, I am the Jewel. The Jewel of the Nile.

Ralph:
Yeah, and I'm a kumquat from Queens! Pipe down, towel-head!

[Omar has put Jack and Joan in a deathtrap copied from one of Joan's own books]

Jack Colton:
So how'd they get out?

Joan Wilder:
What?

Jack Colton:
In "The Savage Secret".

Joan Wilder:
Oh. Um... Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot. You wouldn't happen to have a knife, would you?

Jack Colton:
I'm not even wearing underwear.

Jack Colton:
[Jack points flair gun at F-16 Pilot] OK, flyboy estimated time of departure is right now.

Ralph:
[after Ralph walks out of the catacombs into the riot taking place] Looks like Our Lady of Mount Carmel school yard.

Jack Colton:
All right!, If we get out of this alive, I'm going to kill you. Let's go, come on!

[Ralph comes face-to-face with Omar]

Omar:
Who are you?

Ralph:
Where's Al Jewelhala buried?

Omar:
I said, who the hell are you?

Ralph:
Hey, don't provoke me, pal! I've had a tough day here! You know how hot it is around here? It's 120 degrees in the shade! I'm like this with Weinberger! We'll be all over you like a cheap suit!

Ralph:
You know, I'll bet you can buy a great townhouse down here for around five or six dollars.

[the Jewel is woken up by Joan chipping away at the bars of their cell with a two-by-four plank]

Jewel:
What are you doing?

Joan Wilder:
In my last novel, 'Angelina and the Savage Secret' Angelina used a nail file to chip away at the bars of her cell to remove them and escape to freedom.

Jewel:
How long did this take?

Joan Wilder:
Two pages.

[the captive Ralph is being dragged across the desert floor by the Sufis]

Ralph:
[to himself] Oh, please. Let me get out of this alive. I swear to God, I'll be a good boy from tomorrow on.

[Ralph and the rest of the Sufis see the smoke in the distance from the burning F-16 which was stolen by Jack]

Ralph:
But tonight, I gotta kill Colton!

[Jack, Joan and the Jewel are under fire from Omar's soldiers]

Jack Colton:
Okay, now let's go.

Joan Wilder:
[refering to the Jewel] Wait a minute, Jack. He's coming with us.

Jack Colton:
Don't start with me, Joan! I've come halfway across Africa to rescue you!

Joan Wilder:
Resuce me? I was doing fine without you!

Jewel:
[to Jack] Please, I am guide. I can help you.

Jack Colton:
I don't need a guide! I need a miracle!

Jack Colton:
Why does everything got to be your way?

Joan Wilder:
My way? It wasn't my idea to take off and sail around the world with you on your boat for the last six months!

Jewel:
I like this. You talk to each other like this often?

Jack Colton:
[to the Jewel] Well, let me tell you what I had to put up. Three months ago, we're moored off the Canary Islands, midnight, sound asleep. A boat of three crazed Joan Wilder fans decide that they want the anchor of the Angeline for a souvenir! We were drifting for days!

Joan Wilder:
Well, do you remember the incident at Gibraltar, Jack?

Jack Colton:
Oh, come on. Not that again.

Joan Wilder:
He has to meet me at the governor's mansion for a formal dinner, and you show up with the entire Italian National League Basketball team!

Jack Colton:
Hey, they were hungry.

Jewel:
[happily, as they run from assassin's bullets] Are we *jogging*?

Joan Wilder:
[panting] We are jogging!

Tarak:
You must come with me to help find the Jewel.

Ralph:
[face lights up] Jewel? What jewel?

Tarak:
The Jewel of the Nile. Our most pricess Jewel. Omar stole my people's Jewel. Omar is a very bad man.

Ralph:
Yeah, that scum, I spit on him! Jack... buddy? Let's help this nice man get his jewel back.

Tarak:
Yes... yes?

Jack Colton:
Look man, I don't know who you are or what dope you're on, but I'm sailing away on my boat tonight.

Tarak:
No! You must come with me to help find the Jewel now before Omar kill many people! As long as Omar has the Jewel... nothing can stop him.

Jack Colton:
Look, I'm going on my boat. You guys can do what you want.

[behind Jack, his sailboat blows up; Jack slowly turns around looking stunned while both Tarak and Ralph are stunned as well]

Ralph:
The boat blew up.

Jack Colton:
My boat blew up?

Ralph:
The boat blew up!

Jack Colton:
Everything's gone. All I own in this world is gone.

Ralph:
[to Tarak] Who are you? The prince of darkness? Don't you have any friends?

Joan Wilder:
If you don't tell me what the hell is going on around here, I am going to be on the first plane back to New York!

Omar:
It's impossible. Tomorrow we journey to Kadhir where the following night I will proclaim myself Emperor of the Nile. You must be there with me. It will be your most important chapter.

Joan Wilder:
I can't write this book if you keep secrets from me.

Omar:
What secrets?

Joan Wilder:
Al Jewehalla.

[Omar suddenly flinches and faces Joan]

Omar:
[alarmed tone] Where did you hear that?

Joan Wilder:
Never mind. What is the Jewel?

Omar:
[resumes speaking in a pleasant tone] The Jewel is a legend. I am real. Do not be distracted from your mission, Joan Wilder. Relax. Make yourself comfortable. You stay here with me until our book is done.

Joan Wilder:
[incredilous] What? You have no right to keep me here against my will!

Omar:
Then go. You're free to leave. Should you leave, I will not stop you... but I will not provide transportation to any airport, train station or port for you. Besides, only the worst kind of fool will attempt to cross our desert alone.