The Kid

Rusty Duritz:
Isn't it cool we both have to go to the bathroom at the same time?

Russ Duritz:
Yes. I'll cherish this moment for a lifetime.

Rusty Duritz:
How old are you?

Russ Duritz:
Forty. In a couple days.

Rusty Duritz:
That is old! I'm turning eight. In a couple days.

Russ Duritz:
Eight. You're eight. I'm eight.

Rusty Duritz:
This is scary.

Russ Duritz:
No. This is hilarious.

Rusty Duritz:
So, I'm forty, I'm not married, I don't fly jets, and I don't have a dog? I grow up to be a loser.

[Seeing that Russ and Rusty are the same person]

Amy:
I wish I was standing on a carpet.

[faints]

Russ Duritz:
There's safety in sandwiches.

Russ Duritz:
Look at him. It's so embarrassing.

Amy:
You're not embarrassing. You're adorable... then. You're adorable then.

Rusty Duritz:
When do I learn how to drive?

Russ Duritz:
When you're sixteen.

Rusty Duritz:
When do I get a car?

Russ Duritz:
When you're eighteen.

Rusty Duritz:
When do I get a hickey?

Russ Duritz:
[smile] When you're seventeen.

Rusty Duritz:
When do I find out what a hickey is?

Russ Duritz:
Not tonight.

Rusty Duritz:
Holy smokes... 99 channels and there's nothing on!

Russ Duritz:
Toshiya, let me ask you something. If you get called a jerk four times in a single day, does that make it true?

Amy:
What, only four? Did you get up late?

Russ Duritz:
Excuse me, I'm asking Toshiya.

Toshia:
Four times is a pattern. It have to be five times to be a fact.

Russ Duritz:
Thank you. See? There's hope after all.

Amy:
Jerk.

Russ Duritz:
Stop biting your nails.

Amy:
*Nail.* I only bite one. What's it to you, anyway?

Russ Duritz:
It matters because you work for me. When you bite your nails, you're advertising nervousness and insecurity.

Amy:
Really? Advertising all that with one little nail?

[pushes up her nose at him]

Amy:
What's this advertise?

Russ Duritz:
Stop biting.

Amy:
Leave me alone. I'm advertising terror and bewilderment.

[on their way to a meeting]

Amy:
Wait a minute, wait a minute... Hello.

Russ Duritz:
Hello...

Amy:
I haven't seen you in a couple of days, how've you been?

Russ Duritz:
Fine. Now can we go in?

Amy:
No. This is the bit where you ask me.

Russ Duritz:
Amy, we're really late. We don't have time to...

Amy:
Come on, give it a whirl.

Russ Duritz:
[bored, condescending] Hi, Amy. How are you doing?

Amy:
[shrugs] Fine. We're really late.

Deirdre Lefever:
Why wouldn't your eight-year-old self time travel here to give you a hand? You're obviously in trouble. He could straighten you out!

Russ Duritz:
You think he's here to straighten *me* out?

Deirdre Lefever:
Well of course! You didn't think it was the other way around, didja?

Russ Duritz:
[nods hesitantly]

Deirdre Lefever:
Maybe he's here for you to teach him some things... but maybe he's here for you to remember some things, ever thought about that?

Russ Duritz:
Not until just now, no.

Deirdre Lefever:
Look, you're turning forty tomorrow, you haven't acquired a single thing of real value in your life...

Russ Duritz:
Hey...

Deirdre Lefever:
- and no, no, money doesn't count. You're virtually friendless, you barely talk to your family, and you've just lost the only woman in the world who's ever meant anything to you.

Russ Duritz:
Who, Amy? Oh, come on, she's not... we work together, that's all. She's neurotic! She bites her nails... well, nail. [holds up his finger] This one. [realizes] Oh, my God...

Deirdre Lefever:
[to the waitress] While he's getting a clue, could I get a warm-up, please?

[Russ has been talking to Janet on his headset all the way into the building; now he gets off the elevator and walks up to her desk, still talking into his headset]

Janet:
Take your phone off now, you're with a human being.

Russ Duritz:
[looking at Rusty] Doesn't the fact that I'm a pathetic dweeb make you despise me?

Amy:
No. Why? Do you despise you?

[Russ calls Janet to meet him in the building's garage; when she arrives, he steps out from behind the dumpster, where he has been hiding]

Janet:
I'm not throwing your dismembered enemies' bodies into the dumpster. I've got my limits.

Russ Duritz:
Aww, somebody call the waahmbulance!

Russ Duritz:
What's done is done.

Rusty Duritz:
Yeah.

Russ Duritz:
But, hey, today's your birthday. Happy birthday, kid.

Rusty Duritz:
[watching airplane take off] Wow! Look at us go!

Russ Duritz:
Yeah, look at us go... Look at us go, kid.

Rusty Duritz:
Am I in trouble? [wiping his runny nose on his hand and going to wipe it on the car seat]

Russ Duritz:
You're going to be in *trouble* if you wipe that snot on my calfskin seat, don't do it!