The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean

Rev. Mr. LaSalle:
What has happened here?

Judge Roy Bean:
These men tried to hang me. They have been killed for it.

Rev. Mr. LaSalle:
How many of 'em are there?

Judge Roy Bean:
A lot of 'em.

Rev. Mr. LaSalle:
Who did the killing?

Judge Roy Bean:
I did. They were bad men, and the whores weren't ladies.

Rev. Mr. LaSalle:
Vengeance is mine sayeth, the Lord!

Judge Roy Bean:
It was. I'm waiting for the buzzards. They don't deserve burying.

Rev. Mr. LaSalle:
Maybe they don't, but they ought to be. They are a stench and an abomination! I got a shovel if you don't.

Rev. Mr. LaSalle:
I will read over the dead now. My Bible, please. Mister, uh...

Judge Roy Bean:
Bean.

Rev. Mr. LaSalle:
Bean?

Judge Roy Bean:
Roy Bean. Judge Roy Bean. I am the law in this area.

Rev. Mr. LaSalle:
What has qualified you as such?

Judge Roy Bean:
I know the law. And I have spent my entire life in its flagrant disregard. But I had never killed a man before. Oh, I had shot at some... in self-defense or blind fright, but I never hit anyone. So God must have directed my bullets. Why, he even sent an angel to deliver this weapon [gun].

Rev. Mr. LaSalle:
Just how do you intend to dispense this law?

Judge Roy Bean:
With this [gun] and a rope.

Rev. Mr. LaSalle:
And will you rely again on the grace of God?

Judge Roy Bean:
Well, I intend to [gun] practice and give Him some help. Get on with the reading.

[Bean has just shot a man for shooting a picture of Lily Langtry]

Judge Roy Bean:
Justifiable homicide. [Goes through the man's pockets] I fine this man, uh, $50 for disturbing the peace and $10 for lying around.

Nick the Grub (Jackson gang:
[Bean has shot Bad Bob from ambush with a buffalo rifle] Damn, Judge! You shot him in the back!

Whorehouse Lucky Jim (Jackson gang:
Appears like he shot him in the back and the front! Judge, you didn't give him no chance!

Judge Roy Bean:
He'd didn't deserve a chance. If he wanted a chance; he should have gone somewhere else.

Judge Roy Bean:
The last time that bear ate a lawyer, he had the runs for thirty-three days.

Rev. Mr. LaSalle:
That was the first and last time I saw Judge Roy Bean. I never got back to that country and died of dysentery in old Mexico. I haven't seen him since, so he probably went to Hell.

Judge Roy Bean:
Ordinarily, I'd take you in my court and try you and hang you. But if you've got money for whiskey, I guess we can dispense with those proceedings.

Judge Roy Bean:
Do you have anything to say before we find you guilty?

Sam Dodd:
I'm not guilty of nothing. There's no crime that I've done wrong.

Judge Roy Bean:
Do you deny the killing?

Sam Dodd:
I do not deny it. But there's no place in that book where it says nothing about killing a Chinese. And no one I know ever heard a law on greasers, n*ggers, or injuns.

Judge Roy Bean:
All men stand equal before the law. And I will hang a man for killing anyone, including Chinks, greasers, or n*ggers! I'm very advanced in my views and outspoken.

Sam Dodd:
There's no place in that book that...

Judge Roy Bean:
Trust in my judgment of the book. Besides, you're gonna hang no matter what it says in there, 'cause I am the law, and the law is the handmaiden of justice. Get a rope.

Fermel Parlee (Jackson gang:
[after Bean shoots Bad Bob in the back] You call that sportin'? It weren't a real standup fight.

Judge Roy Bean:
Standup? I laid down to steady my aim.

Fermel Parlee (Jackson gang:
Well, I mean he never had a chance.

Judge Roy Bean:
Not at all. Never did, never would have. I didn't ask him to come here. I don't abide giving killers a chance. He wants a chance, let him go someplace else.

Whorehouse Lucky Jim (Jackson gang:
You call that justice?

Judge Roy Bean:
Justice is the handmaiden of law.

Nick the Grub (Jackson gang:
You said law was the handmaiden of justice.

Judge Roy Bean:
Works both ways.

Tector Crites (Jackson gang:
[voice-over] There is nothing worse than a harlot turned respectable. A reformed anything is bad enough, but a reformed harlot is the direct wrath of the Devil. Seems that those who have spent time giving pleasure for profit are all the more zealous when it comes to dealing out misery.

Judge Roy Bean:
[Bean apologizes to the marshals' wives] I understand you have taken exception to my calling you whores. I'm sorry. I apologize. I ask you to note that I did not call you callous-ass strumpets, fornicatresses, or low-born gutter sluts. But I did say "whores." No escaping that. And for that slip of the tongue, I apologize.

Tector Crites (Jackson gang:
[voice-over] Looking back, we had, in the person of Teddy Roosevelt, the finest President in the history of this country. He had the spirit and determination that matched the times and the land. Then the women got the vote, and everything went to hell. While our boys was overseas fighting the Kaiser, the women got Prohibition put in. Drinking and gambling and whoring were declared unlawful. All those things which come natural to men became crimes.

Lily Langtry:
[Lily notices her portrait behind the bar] Is that a bullet hole through my heart?

Tector Crites (Jackson gang:
Yes it is, ma'am. They was wild men in those days.

Lily Langtry:
Who did it?

Tector Crites (Jackson gang:
Snake River Rufus Krile did that, I believe.

Lily Langtry:
What became of him?

Tector Crites (Jackson gang:
Judge shot him. Dead. Dead, dead. Then he fined him for some other crimes. And then later we hanged him.

Lily Langtry:
Most appropriate.

Someone in crowd:
Who are you?

Judge Roy Bean:
Justice, you sons of b*tches!