The Life of Larry and Larry & Steve

Captain James T. Kirk:
  It could be dangerous—we may be killed—but that's why we're out here.  The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Skippy.

Ensign Skippy:
  Oh, sh*t.

Man in underwear:
  You have any Cheez-Its?

Alex Trebek:
For eight-hundred dollars, this chemical dye's found in ninety-five percent of all cosmetic products.

Larry Cummings:
  Diarrhœa.  [audience laughs]  What?  Oh, oh, oh, sorry!  Sorry.  What is diarrhœa?

Larry Cummings:
  It says here there's another state that's goin'a abolish the death penalty.

Lois Cummings:
  Oh, is that right?

Larry Cummings:
  Yeah, instead they make ya share a popsicle with Tom Waits.

Larry Cummings:
  [to Lois Cummings]  But, it's a miracle when you think about it.  Idn't it, y'know?  This, this whole, this-this "birth" thing.  Like, I mean, y'know, wha-what happens?  I unload, uh-uh-uh—a whole batch of this—these, uh, these little reproductive apostrophes in-in-into your, uh, y'know, uh-uh-uh "miracle bucket," and then, nine months later, Milt comes out, y'know?  I mean, it's-it's—it's-it's-uh, for me, it's got the same kind of, uh, uh, y'know, awe-inspiring mystique as-as-as, like, Shrinky Dinks.

Steve:
  For God sakes, people are trying to sleep around here.

Preacher:
  And so, the Lord God smote poor Job with disgusting boils from head to toe.

God:
  Oh, God, I hate it when he tells this story. Actual Biblical quote from Job 2:6–7:

And the Lord said unto Satan, Behold, he is in thine hand; but save his life.  So went Satan forth from the presence of the Lord , and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown.

Seth Macfarlane:
Oh, hi, there.  You scared the crap out of me.  I'm Seth MacFarlane, Associate Production Coordinating Directorial Associate Managing Departmental Divisional Office Supervisor of the International Network Amalgamation Distributors Corporation Management Organisational Association of Men Who Like P*ssy.

Seth Macfarlane:
Wang, for love of Christ, you're an American now.  Use a napkin.

Larry:
  Whoa, a dog that speaks English!

What:
  What?

Larry:
  Y'know, once I had a Jack Russell Terrier that spoke Dutch, but I-eh-I couldn't understand a word he was saying.

Steve:
  Uh, Larry, it says here your licence was suspended.

Larry:
  Oh, n-no; th-th-they just took it away temporarily.

Redneck:
  [from an adjacent vehicle]  Pardon me, but might you have any yellow redneck mustard?

Larry:
  How do you feel, Steve?

Steve:
  Like Agamemnon after the fury of Clytemnestra.

Larry:
  Hell, ye—who?

Larry:
  I-I think I know what I'm talking about, alright?  Alright?  I-I-I didn't spend twelve years in Kindergarten 'cause I'm stupid.

Steve:
  Why, then?

Larry:
  I got my foot caught in the radiator.

Steve:
Hi, there.  My name's Steve.  I'm a dog—in-in case you're, um, well, stupid.

Steve:
[to a passerby at the pound]  Excuse me, sir, sir, I could do your taxes for you.

Steve:
Just my luck that the only person who could hear me had the IQ of a flank steak.

Steve:
I'm house-broken, I'm neutered, and I'm well-versed in the works of Chaucer.

Larry:
Luke, this is your landlord.  You still haven't returned my weed whacker.