The Life of Riley

[first lines]

Babs Riley:
But Mother, this is the opportunity of my entire life! You have to have real talent to be accepted at the Van Plantan Workshop Theatre.

Peg Riley:
Theatre, huh? You'd better stop talking that way. You had your tonsils out.

Babs Riley:
All right, but Professor Van Plantan says I have a natural gift for acting.

Peg Riley:
Yeah? Well, if it's such a gift, why did it cost you 25 dollars?

Peg Riley:
All this plotting and scheming... you remind me of a girl I once knew.

Babs Riley:
Who?

Peg Riley:
Me.

Peg Riley:
You didn't kiss me, Dear.

Chester A. Riley:
Oh. Well, I'll kiss you twice tonight.

Chester A. Riley:
Well, that'll be it, Miss Millie. Except I want to send out those circulars, so bring me some round paper.

[first lines]

Chester A. Riley:
I'll tell you what harm there is! That Simon is a boy who... He's a boy who...

Barbara 'Babs' Riley:
Well, what?

Chester A. Riley:
He's a boy! That's enough, isn't it?

Chester A. Riley:
Besides that, he's nothing but a lazy loafer. He'll never amount to anything.

Barbara 'Babs' Riley:
But Dad, Simon's only 20.

Chester A. Riley:
Babs, do you realize when I was 20, your mother was supporting me and a baby?

Barbara 'Babs' Riley:
It's just not fair!

Chester A. Riley:
I don't have to be fair - I'm your father.

Chester A. Riley:
I know what you did! I just read this card, and I just spoke to the Justice of the Peace!

Barbara 'Babs' Riley:
Oh Simon, he knows!

Simon Vanderhopper:
Mr. Riley, you're not angry?

Barbara 'Babs' Riley:
There's still Christmas.

Peg Riley:
What?

Chester A. Riley:
Christmas, nothing doing! I'm calling it off now!

Simon Vanderhopper:
Well, you can't call it off! We already ordered the baby announcements.

Chester A. Riley:
The baby announcements?

Peg Riley:
Oh my heavens!

Simon Vanderhopper:
Yes sir, I don't let the grass grow under my feet!

Chester A. Riley:
What do you mean the baby announcements? You were just married!

Chester A. Riley:
I'm just as much a show-off as they are, ain't I?

Peg Riley:
You certainly are, Dear. Maybe bigger.

Chester A. Riley:
Okay, maybe he ain't no Gregory Peck, but my boy's got it up here [points to head] .

Jim Gillis:
Yeah, well, he oughta shampoo more often - with kerosene!

[Riley believes Junior stole five dollars]

Babs:
Well, I think he ought to get a fair trial.

Chester A. Riley:
None of that radical talk out of you just 'cause you go to high school!

Digger:
Every good undertaker has his ear to the ground - we pick up a lot of dirt that way.

Babs Riley:
Guess what? I got my picture in the paper!

Peg Riley:
Oh? Let's see!

Chester A. Riley:
"Babs Riley Featured in Annual School Follies". Do you hear that, Peg? I always knew I'd bring up my daughter to be somebody someday. She has her picture on the front page. The only place your son will get his picture is in the post office.

[last lines]

Peg Riley:
You know what they say - ignorance is bliss.

Chester A. Riley:
Yeah! And I'm the most blissful man in the world.

[last lines]

Chester A. Riley:
You mean I'm going to live? What a revolting development this is!

Chester A. Riley:
Oh, you're gonna count my blood? Don't forget the gallon I gave to the Red Cross.

[last lines]

[referring to young Marilyn Morris]

Chester A. Riley:
You know, Peg, I don't know what kind of wife she's gonna mae, but 40 years from now, somebody's gonna have a terrific mother-in-law.

Junior Riley:
Why don't you wet a piece of confetti and drown your brain?

Chester A. Riley:
I can't understand it.

Peg Riley:
Neither can I.

Chester A. Riley:
Why should an old man married for years run away with a pretty blond? She must have money.

Peg Riley:
Chester Riley! If you don't pay attention...

Chester A. Riley:
Go ahead, go ahead.

Peg Riley:
Well, I'm trying to tell ya, he just moons around the house!

Chester A. Riley:
Nah... what would a rich man want with money? Why would he leave his wife? I guess he likes this blond's cooking.

Peg Riley:
I'm talking to you!

Chester A. Riley:
Alright, go ahead.

Peg Riley:
Maybe he's sick or something. He never acted this way before. There must be some reason for it!

Chester A. Riley:
Well, according to this picture here in the paper of the blond in the bathing suit he... Oh... That's why he did it!

Peg Riley:
Every day this week, he's been kept in after school.

Chester A. Riley:
So, he was kept in.

Peg Riley:
Well, he's always been so bright.

Chester A. Riley:
So was I. Not a day went by that I wasn't kept in after school.

Peg Riley:
Then I've been in love with you the whole time.

Chester A. Riley:
Well, I hope so.

Peg Riley:
Well, of all the revolting ideas!

[to Riley who is lying on the floor]

Punchy:
Hey, why don't you get up, pal? Maybe the referee will give you a draw.

Chester A. Riley:
Do you need any help with the dishes?

Peg Riley:
No thanks, dear. You're sweet, though.

Chester A. Riley:
Well, if you do, just holler. Junior will be glad to pitch in.

Chester A. Riley:
I'll go home right now. I'll hug her and I'll kiss her. I'll treat her just like she wasn't my wife.

Chester A. Riley:
How about a kiss?

Peg Riley:
I'm not in the mood.

Chester A. Riley:
I don't think you heard me, peg. I said what about a kiss?

Peg Riley:
No. Did you hear me? I said NO!

Chester A. Riley:
You know, it's funny. Every time I have a birthday, I realize that Mom's getting a year older.

[in a flashback sequence, Peg has just given birth to her first child]

Peg Riley:
My husband - can I see him?

Dr. Beamish:
Not now, I'm afraid. I just gave him a sedative. He's resting. Don't you worry about him; we'll pull him through. I've never lost a father yet!

[last lines]

[Riley is talking on the phone with the hospital's maternity ward]

Chester A. Riley:
Hal, you're a father!

Hal:
I'm a father! What is it, a boy or a girl?

Chester A. Riley:
[on the phone] What is it, a boy or a girl?

Chester A. Riley:
[to all] It's a both!

Peg Riley:
What's the matter? Is he in some of of trouble or something?

Jim Gillis:
Well, he's married.

Chester A. Riley:
No. She means other kinds of trouble.

Chester A. Riley:
Gee, Gillis, you're brave - making out you're happy when all the time, inside, you've got a broken heart.

Jim Gillis:
Are you kiddin'? I never felt better.

Waldo:
But your wife - she left you.

Jim Gillis:
She'll be back in a couple or three days. I planned the whole thing.

Chester A. Riley:
You what?

Jim Gillis:
I got her sore on purpose.

Waldo:
You did?

Jim Gillis:
Sure! I figure once a year, every married man should get away from his wife for a few days.

Chester A. Riley:
Yeah, but, ah...

Jim Gillis:
So by her leavin', I'm getting away without goin' out of the house.

Chester A. Riley:
Yeah, but that ain't right.

Jim Gillis:
Of course it's right. Even a criminal gets time off for good behavior.

[after Riley discovers the man he accused of bank robbery is a policeman]

Ferguson:
That's the type of citizen we're sworn to protect.

Gillis:
I tried to help you, Riley, but I'm through. I'm not the type of friends who buts in.

Gillis:
Don't argue, because I hate family arguments. That's why I came over here tonight.

Digby 'Digger' O'Dell:
It is I, Digby O'Dell, the friendly undertaker.

Chester A. Riley:
Hello, Digger. What are you doin' here in the park?

Digby 'Digger' O'Dell:
Why, I was just taking a stroll around the pond. I enjoy listening to the frogs croak.

Chester A. Riley:
I got troubles, Digger. Do you speak French?

Digby 'Digger' O'Dell:
No, only Latin and Greek. I prefer the dead languages.

Chester A. Riley:
What do you think I'm paying you ten cents a week for, to spy on Babs! I want reports!

Peg Riley:
My father let me decide who I wanted to go around with.

Chester A. Riley:
Yes. And he's sorry to this day!

Chester A. Riley:
Do I have a hole in my neck?

Doctor H. Harvey:
Yeah. Your mouth.

Chester A. Riley:
Their gonna slit my throat from ear to ear and rip out my tonsils, and she says there's nothing to it!

Jim Gillis:
I know a lot about surgery. Why there ain't a day that goes by that I read the obituary columns!

Jim Gillis:
They put you to sleep. And they open your mouth. And they take a very sharp instrument. Down your throat it goes. Very slowly... Slap, slap, slap... Rip, Rip, Rip... it's over!

"It is I, Digger O'Dell, your friendly undertaker. Though other friends may fail you, I shall be the last to let you down."

Digger O'Dell as he leaves. "Cheerio, I must be ... shoveling off."