The Likely Lads

Terry Collier:
I'd offer you a beer, but I've only got six cans.

Bob:
I think I'm going through what psychiatrists call an identity crisis.

Thelma:
Is that what Alan Pooley had?

Bob:
I think Alan just liked dressing up in women's clothes.

Thelma:
She must have quite a hold on Terry.

Bob:
Probably at this very moment.

Thelma:
Maybe we should invite Chris and Terry to badminton club.

Thelma:
I know the city is a bit grey but outside we're surrounded by breathtaking grandeur, aren't we Bob?

Bob:
Oh yes, breathtaking.

Bob:
These streets are ugly, but they have a kind of beauty.

Terry Collier:
Working class sentiment is the indulgence of working peopled created through football and rock-and-roll or people like you who moved out to the elm lodge housing estate at the earliest opportunity.

Bob:
Well I didn't want my kids growing up in these streets.

Bob:
Nobody cares, nobody's moved by the occasion.

Terry Collier:
Residents are, moved to a highrise.

Bob:
In the chocolate box of life the top layer's already gone. And someone's pinched the orange creme from the bottom.

Terry Collier:
Bloody hell.

Bob:
Of course you always had an irresistible sexual magnetism.

Terry Collier:
True but its not just that.

Bob:
What is it then, I'm dying to know!

Terry Collier:
Well once I've got them up here, there's no way they're going to risk leavin this dodgy area after dark.

Bob:
I'm going through a very depressed state recently, I think we should talk it through.

Thelma:
Oh Bob, we've got so much to get done, can't we talk about if later over a cup of tea, it'll keep won't it.

Bob:
Of course, its not important Thelma, I'm only questioning the validity of my entire life.

Terry Collier:
You kicked it up there!

Bob:
Not on purpose, was only making a strong clearance.

Fireman:
We've got better things to do with taxpayers money.

Bob:
I'm sorry, when I get to the top I just lost me nerve.

Terry Collier:
Keeps your hand in doesn't it, better than polishing your bell up all afternoon.

Terry Collier:
Back in time for a drink, watch the box this afternoon - that's what a weekend should be - sport, sleep, slippers and sex.

Bob:
Not necessarily in that order.

Bob:
Mind you my wife isn't really with me.

Terry Collier:
In town though.

Bob:
Out of sight, out of mind.

Terry Collier:
Good thinking Bob.

Christina:
I learn much this weekend Terry, it has been, how you say in English, an eyesore.

Terry Collier:
Oh Chris, I can't stand saying goodbye like this.

Christina:
You really mean that?

Terry Collier:
Yeah - you finish packing, I'm going to the pub.

Christina:
You are so tired, I put you up.

Bob:
You've put up with me long enough.

Christina:
I not mean with, I up-put you.

Bob:
I don't want to put you out.

Christina:
I not put out, you are nice person, you come to bed and I put you up.

Terry Collier:
[to young couple kissing passionately in lift] It's young Marsha isn't it, shouldn't you be in bed?

Marsha:
We'd rather be but dad's in, that's why we're in the lift.

Bob:
Did Thelma call?

Terry Collier:
No.

Bob:
Are you sure?

Terry Collier:
We don't have a phone.

Terry Collier:
That's just one of life's bitter ironies Bob.

Bob:
I suffer a lot from those.

Bob:
When it comes to women you're hardly Omar Sharif.

Terry Collier:
If Omar Sharif lived in Gateshead I doubt he'd be Omar Sharif.

Bob:
I bet we could go right round the world and you'd have a pat response ready.

Terry Collier:
I've travelled man, I've seen a bit of the world now you know.

Bob:
What do you think of Koreans, for instance?

Terry Collier:
Not to be trusted. Cruel people. Much the same as all Orientals.

Bob:
That's a third of the world's population dismissed in a phrase. Russians?

Terry Collier:
Sinister.

Bob:
Egyptians?

Terry Collier:
Cowardly.

Bob:
Oh? I thought you might have saved that for Italians.

Terry Collier:
No, no, they're greasy aren't they? Not as greasy as the French mind.

Bob:
Germans?

Terry Collier:
Arrogant.

Bob:
Spaniards?

Terry Collier:
Lazy.

Bob:
Danes?

Terry Collier:
Pornographic.

Bob:
Well that's just about everyone. Oh, Americans?

Terry Collier:
Well, they're flash aren't they?

Bob:
So it's just down to the British, is it?

Terry Collier:
Well, I haven't got much time for the Irish or the Welsh, and the Scots are worse than the Koreans.

Bob:
And you never could stand Southerners.

Terry Collier:
To tell you the truth I don't like anybody much outside this town. And there's a lot of families in our street I can't stand either. Come to think of it, I don't even like the people next door.

Bob:
I see, so from the distant blue Pacific through the barren wastes of Manchuria, to 127 Inkerman Terrace, you can't abide anyone.