The Lobster

Short Sighted Woman:
We developed a code so that we can communicate with each other even in front of the others without them knowing what we are saying. When we turn our heads to the left it means "I love you more than anything in the world" and when we turn our heads to the right it means "watch out, we're in danger". We had to be very careful in the beginning not to mix up "I love you more than anything in the world" with "watch out, we're in danger". When we raise our left arm it means "I want to dance in your arms", when we make a fist and put it behind our backs it means "let's f***". The code grew and grew as time went by and within a few weeks we could talk about almost anything without even opening our mouths.

Loner Leader:
We dance alone. That's why we only play electronic music.

The Limping Man:
Hello everyone. My mother was left on her own when my father fell in love with a woman who was better at math than she was. She had a post graduate degree I think, where as my mother was only a graduate. I was nineteen at the time. My mother entered the hotel, but didn't make it and was turned into a wolf. I really missed her. I found out she had been moved to a zoo. I often went there to see her. I'd give her raw meat. I knew that wolves liked raw meat, but I couldn't figure out which of the wolves was my mother so I used to give a little bit to each of them. One day I decided to enter the enclosure. I really missed her and I wanted a hug. I climbed the fence and jumped in. All the wolves charged at once and attacked me; all but two who stood motionless. My guess is that one of those two must have been my mother. The zoo guards got to me quite quickly and took me to the hospital. Thankfully I didn't lose my leg. I just have this limp, which is also my defining characteristic. My wife died six days ago. She was very beautiful and I loved her very much. She had a limp too.

Short Sighted Woman:
You carefully filet the rabbit with a sharp knife, and cut off its head. You then slice open its belly and stuff it with well washed red and green peppers, not too spicy, and little garlic and mint. You then soak it in lemon juice and leave it a while to marinate the flesh before you skewer it on a stick and roast it over the fire for about an hour. That's my favorite food. Rabbit.

Hotel Manager:
Now have you thought of what animal you'd like to be if you end up alone?

David:
Yes. A lobster.

Hotel Manager:
Why a lobster?

David:
Because lobsters live for over one hundred years, are blue-blooded like aristocrats, and stay fertile all their lives. I also like the sea very much.

David's Wife:
He didn't burst into tears and he didn't think that the first thing most people do when they realise someone doesn't love them anymore is cry.

Short Sighted Woman:
Kiwi.

David:
That's right, ten out of ten again. Can I give you a kiss?

Loner Leader:
Where were you? I was looking for you.

David:
I was masturbating behind those trees over there.

Loner Leader:
Can you imagine why I brought you to this quiet place today?

David:
No.

Loner Leader:
Because I think it's the perfect spot for your grave.

David:
[as the Biscuit Woman screams in pain in the distance] What happened?

Heartless Woman:
She jumped from the window from 180. There is blood and biscuits everywhere.

David:
I hope she dies right away. [he pauses] On second thought, I hope she suffers quite a bit before she dies. I just hope her pathetic screams can't be heard from my room, because I was thinking about having a lie down, and I need peace and quiet. I was playing golf, and the last thing I need is some woman dying slowly and loudly.

Loner Leader:
Do you love her?

Campari Man:
With all my heart.

Loner Leader:
How much do you love her? On a scale of 1 to 15.

Campari Man:
14.

Loner Leader:
14 is a very impressive score. He loves her very much indeed. Who do you think we should kill? Who will be able to live on their own better? [pause] You. If this woman dies, do you think you will manage on your own or will you get involved with someone else?

Campari Man:
No. I can live alone, she cannot... I like sitting in the room. Relaxes me. Calms me. I like it a lot. I can definitely live on my own.

Hotel Manager:
We wish you every success and we hope, you will return to the city as a couple.

The Limping Man:
I'm very happy.

Nosebleed Woman:
Me, too.

Hotel Manager:
Congratulations The course of your relationship will be monitored closely.by our staff and by me personally. If you encounter any problems, any tensions, any arguing, that you cannot resolve yourselves, you will be assigned children. That usually helps, a lot.

Short Sighted Woman:
Back then, he didn't know how much it hurts to be alone - how much it hurts when you cannot reach to rub pain ointment on your back and you are constantly in pain.

Short Sighted Woman:
That night, in my sleep, I dreamt that we lived in a big house together in the city with a large, well-lit kitchen, and I was wearing dark blue trousers and a tight cream blouse and he took my clothes off and f***ed me up the ass.

Short Sighted Woman:
One day, as he was playing golf, he thought that it is more difficult to pretend that you do have feelings when you don't that to pretend you don't have feelings when you do.

Short Sighted Woman:
Some punishments are worse than other punishments. Having your thumb cut is worse than having your head shaved. And having a hot boiled egg under your armpit is worse than having your leg kicked. The punishment I am afraid of isn't the Red Kiss but another one, that is called the Red Intercourse.

Hotel Manager:
Now the fact that you will turn into an animal if you fail to fall in love with someone during your stay here is not something that should upset you or get you down. Just think, as an animal you'll have a second chance to find a companion. But, even then, you must be careful; you need to choose a companion that is a similar type of animal to you. A wolf and a penguin could never live together, nor could a camel and a hippopotamus. That would be absurd.

Biscuit Woman:
Can I come to your room sometime for a chat? I could give you a blowj*b. Or you could just f*** me. I always swallow after fellatio and I've got absolutely no problem with anal sex if that's your thing. My ex-husband always used to say I had the most beautiful thighs he'd ever seen, but let's not talk about him.

Trainer Waiter - Shooting Range:
It's no coincidence that the targets are shaped like single people and not couples.

Nosebleed Woman:
I'm sorry, I've got blood on your shirt. But don't worry, there are many ways to remove bloodstains from clothing. One way is to rinse the clothes with cold water then rub with sea salt. Another way is to scrub the stains with cotton wool dipped in ammonia. The third way is to mix flour and water into a paste, like toothpaste, especially if the clothes are delicate or brightly coloured. But just never use warm water on blood, ever.