The Longest Yard

Caretaker:
Most of these old boys don't have nothing. Never had nothing to start with. But you, You had it all. Then you let your teammates down, got yourself caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

Paul Crewe:
Oh I did, did I?

Caretaker:
Oh I ain't saying you did or you didn't. All I'm saying is that you could have robbed banks, sold dope or stole your grandmother's pension checks and none of us would have minded. But shaving points off of a football game, man that's un-American.

Paul Crewe:
You take your football down here real serious, don't you?

Caretaker:
You mind if I ask you one question?

Paul Crewe:
Yes, I do mind!

Caretaker:
Why did you do it?

Paul Crewe:
It's a long story.

Caretaker:
Well, I got eight years.

Paul Crewe:
Hey Pop, the time you hit Hazen in the mouth, was it worth 30 years?

Pop:
For me it was.

Paul Crewe:
Then give me my damn shoe!

Paul Crewe:
My, you have lovely hair. You ever find any spiders in it?

Paul Crewe:
What's his name?

Caretaker:
Indian.

Paul Crewe:
That makes sense.

Caretaker:
Now don't go making any ethnic jokes.

[They meet the Indian]

Paul Crewe:
Paul Crewe. Heard you played some football.

The Indian:
Yeah.

Paul Crewe:
Where?

The Indian:
Oklahoma State.

Paul Crewe:
Oklahoma State U?

The Indian:
Prison.

Paul Crewe:
Well, first thing we have to do is get you out of here.

The Indian:
How?

[Paul looks back at Caretaker]

Paul Crewe:
Well, we'll work on it.

Paul Crewe:
The most important thing to remember is: to protect your quarterback - ME!

Police Officer:
Why'd you drive her car into the bay?

Paul Crewe:
Couldn't find a car wash.

[last lines]

Paul Crewe:
[to the warden] Stick this in your trophy case.

[he walks into the stadium tunnel]

Trainer:
I knew you could do it!

Captain Knauer:
[giving the rifle to Hazen] Game ball!

Crewe:
[looking at a shirtless Shokner doing some unusual physical moves] What's he doin' now?

Caretaker:
Nobody's ever had the guts to ask him.

Paul Crewe:
You know, there's only one thing I'm sorry about.

Warden Hazen:
What's that, Mr. Crewe?

Paul Crewe:
That you're not out here with us knockin' heads.

Warden Hazen:
I'm afraid I'm a little old for that.

Paul Crewe:
No, you never had the guts to begin with!

Walking Boss:
[after the game] F*** you, boy!

Crewe:
Not today, boss!

Paul Crewe:
[Drunkenly as a short policeman comes to arrest him] Look what we have here - a miniature cop!

[Caretaker and Crewe are watching a prisoner go through his workout]

Caretaker:
Well, there he is. Connie Shokner, baddest cat in the joint. Even the guards are scared of him. He killed three people on the outside and two since he's been in here.

Crewe:
Yeah, that karate's some bad stuff.

Caretaker:
Oh, that was before he learned karate.

Crewe:
Say, what's he doing now?

Caretaker:
Nobody's ever had the guts to ask him.

Samson:
I think I broke his f***in' neck!

Announcer:
I think he broke his f***in' neck!

Team doctor:
One side, one side. [Examines injured player] Get the ambulance! I think he broke his f***in' neck.

Samson:
See! I told you I broke his f***in' neck!

Caretaker:
Now to me, that's biscuits and gravy.

Warden Hazen:
How do you think we'd do against the pros?

Paul Crewe:
That team against the pros?

Warden Hazen:
Yeah.

Paul Crewe:
Well, you'd have a real problem.

Warden Hazen:
Well, how do you think we'd do against the cons?

Paul Crewe:
Whattya got for me, Sunshine?

Caretaker:
I can get you steroids, vitamins, greenies, anything you want. You name it. I'm the best hustler in the joint.

Paul Crewe:
How much of what this guy says he can do, can he do?

Nate Scarboro:
He can get you laid in here... with a woman.

Paul Crewe:
We're gettin' up a football game against the guards. Wondered if maybe you and some of your buddies here would like to join in on the fun.

Samson:
With the guards?

Paul Crewe:
Uh huh.

Samson:
Sure, I'd like that.

Paul Crewe:
Nate, if you're thinking about winning this game, then you're as crazy as he is.

Nate Scarboro:
Well, maybe so. But you spend fourteen years in this tank, you begin to understand that you've only got two thing left they can't sweat out of you or beat out of you. Your balls. And you better hang onto them, because they're about the only thing you're gonna have when you get out of here.

Granville:
Alright men, now here's the play we're gonna use. I don't think the guards know this formation. It's called 'incidental punishment after the ball is blown dead.' Remember, any man you tackle gets an elbow, knee, or kick in the mouth.

Bogdanski:
What the hell was that?

Paul Crewe:
That was a dropkick.

Bogdanski:
Dropkick?

Paul Crewe:
Dropkick.

Bogdanski:
How much is that worth?

Paul Crewe:
Three points.

Bogdanski:
Three points?

Paul Crewe:
Three points.

Bogdanski:
For that? Bullshit!

Paul Crewe:
You know what my problem has been all my life? I've always had my sh*t together. Always. My problem's been I couldn't lift it.

Assistant Warden:
Hissss-toe-ree.

Unger:
How do ya like them apples, Superstar?

Bogdanski:
I'll see ya on the field, Superstar.

[first lines]

Melissa:
How long do we have to keep watching this crap?... Only a moron can sit and watch two football games, one after the other.

Captain Knauer:
Dammit, Warden, I think this game's a big mistake.

Warden Hazen:
Captain, not only will you have the chance to hone our team to a fine edge, you'll also have the opportunity to learn a great deal about life. Why is it, do you suppose, that I can walk through this yard, surrounded by hate, and in total command?

Captain Knauer:
Because you've got 15 gun turrets all around you that say you can.

Paul Crewe:
For Nate, for Granny... for Caretaker.

[the Black Inmates are gathered together talking about the football tryouts]

Black Inmate 1:
[about Crewe] This Honky golden boy sold out his teammates, didn't he!

Black Inmate 2:
He sure as hell did!

Black Inmate 1:
He did it once, he'll do it again!

Black Inmate 2:
[All the Black Inmates Respond in unison with Black Power Fist] RIGHT ON!

Mawabe:
[after Black Inmates join team] Well Mr. Crewe, Were in business, Compliments from the greater Chicago Youth Authority.

Granville:
There goes the neighborhood! [All the inmates laugh]

Warden Hazen:
Mr. Crewe, as old Mr. Sam used to say, 'In this institution, to get along, you go along.'

Captain Knauer:
You know something, Crewe? I don't like you. You understand that?

Paul Crewe:
Oh yeah.