The Lost Tape: Andy's Terrifying Last Days Revealed

Andy:
Some people think these crazies out there are actually dead.

Andy:
[to camera] Now I know that's BULLSHIT. I don't know what they are but I know that's bullshit.

Andy:
Kenneth, the black guy, over in the mall... he just wrote me that Fort Pastor's gone. We're on our own. There's no help coming. yeah, okay. Okay. No problem, you know? People have always put up with sh*t, right? We survive, That's what we do. we survived the f***ing Romans. We survived the Crusades. We survived the Black Plague! We survived f***ing World Wars! We survived everything! All right? It's just nature's way of thinning us out, you know? leaving the best to survive and build a better world. that's what's gonna happen now. I'm gonna survive. I'm gonna build you a better world!

Andy:
Sh*t. Aw, sh*t. [covered in blood and injured] The dog got through, brought me a sandwich. Sh*t! But a couple of dumb f***s got in with it. I shoulda been on my guard. Too hungry. I got slow.

Andy:
I tossed a f***ing Molotov. Not good. For one thing, it don't do sh*t. It just burns for a while and leaves them all grilled and smelling like Jimmy Dean! And now I'm really f***ing hungry!

Andy:
We're safe in here. Anybody wanna crash this "dinner party", they're gonna get some copper-coated candy for dessert. right? Be all right, baby.

Andy:
[May 7 04, 5:23 pm] Okay. Perimeter's secure. Both doors reinforced. Windows too. Power's still on. Well... water too. I'm filling up everything I can, just in case. Food. Hey we can go 28 days without food... so I just gotta ration what I got left. Ariel's got food. Right, baby? Gonna be all right? We're safe in here. Anybody wanna crash this "dinner party", they're gonna get some copper-coated candy for dessert. right? Be all right, baby.

Andy:
[May 9 04, 10:49am] There's people in a mall across the street and a chopper just flew over 10 minutes ago! We're outta here, baby girl! I'm gonna get a bag for you. We are gonna get full on some good food. we're gonna see some good people. We're gonna be rescued, and it's all gonna be fine.

Andy:
[May 21 04, 5:26am] Would you just tell me what you want, goddamn it! [looking upwards] Okay. I'm sorry. No cussing. No cussing. I won't cuss. I won't drink. No more hashing, whatever. "You" just tell me what "You" want. God. i know, you're trying to test me, aren't you? Well, I'll pass. yeah, I'll pass! [looks at Ariel the goldfish] You trying to tell me something? You want another soul? You want some company up there with Ya? I mean, she'd be safe with You, right? So, is it okay? It'd be good for me... it'd be good... it's the right thing right? [reaches in the fish-tank to grab Ariel the goldfish]

Andy:
[May 30 04, 4:41am] Power's down. Running on battery power now. Gotta conserve it. All the lights are gone outside. It doesn't matter anyway.

Andy:
[Jun 6 04, 6:14pm] They're gonna try to break out. I'm finally getting out of here. I told them to send a sandwich or lobster or anything like that. Battery.

Andy:
[May 7 04, 9:46pm] All right. Here's your update. Phone's not working. Neither is the cell. The Internets still okay. Who'd of thunk it? Yeah, it's pretty hard to figure out what the hell's going on out there. I mean, everybody's saying something different. It's like... voices from all over the world. it's the same on the shortwave, you know? Half of 'em sound like they're in Russian or something. Oh, there's a map of the world on the Internet... and all over it are, like, these red spots and they're growing.Some people are actually saying that these, you know, "crazys" out there... they're really dead! They just like corpses up, walking around. Now I know that's bullshit. i mean, I don't know what they are, but i know that's bullshit. So, we just gotta sit it out.Sit tight. Be cool. Right, baby? We'll be all right. We'll be all right. We just gotta wait... I hope.

Andy:
[May 8 04, 3:41am] Okay, It's hard to friggin' sleep with the damn moans. I mean, it's not scary. Seriously. It's just a pain in the ass. I'd wear earplugs, but then I couldn't hear 'em if they break in. I think Ariel's a little freaked out. I'm gonna leave her light on. [yawns] try again.

Andy:
[May 8 04, 10:11pm] Okay. Here. Come here, come here. [adjusts the video] Okay. Sniping's out. I was up on the roof for like, an hour. I must've loosed 200... no, more like 300 rounds! Everytime you hit one of 'em, two more show up! It's like that Hobbit dragon thing, you know, where you cut off one head and two more grow back? It's an exercise in futility. [moans get loud outside] Wait a minute. [grabs a bottle of whiskey] What about this? Come here. Okay. [grabs a can of acetone] Check this out. [simulates putting the acetone in the bottle and throwing the bottle] Let's just see.

Andy:
[May 9 04, 11:51pm] Okay. I totally get why they didn't come today. I mean, there's friggin' thousands of them out there now! Like, shoulder to shoulder, like a Jethro Tull concert! If it's like that everywhere else, you know, it's gonna take 'em maybe a day. two, to get here. I don't know. No problem. Foods gone but all I gotta do is stay hydrated. human body burns like a hundred calories a day. I weigh, you know, whatever. I mean, I'll be fine. I think.

Andy:
[May 21 04, 12:12am] Hey. So where the f*** are they? Huh? [talking to the goldfish Ariel and heavily drinking whiskey, thus is very drunk] You know, they started all this sh*t. Their f***ing secret government labs. The f***ing government. F***ing politicians and eggheads. F***ing liars. They're all f***ing liars. They're f***ing liars, these shitbag, motherf***ing, cocksucking liars!... Yeah, well, you know, just means no more car payments, no more taxes... no more... [9mumbling incoherently]... I'm gonna go shoot some more f***ing dead people. okay? Will you excuse me?

Andy:
[May 8 04, 11:05am] Okay. I just tried an experiment. I lit up one of those f***ers, Shot him right in the heart. Right in the center mass... and nothing. Shot him two more times in the lungs... nothing. I gave'im a full clip, cut off both legs, snapped his freakin' spine... he's still crawling around like he don't know anything happened to him! So then, I nail him in the head and that's what put him down. That's how you smoke'em. Maybe these guys are dead. Who cares? One round to the head turns him into a wet bag of sh*t. You know, i figure I got nothing to worry about. Check this out. There's like, all right... 200... say250 of 'em out there, right? I got like... f***... ten thousand rounds of ammunition. It's like... well, you do the math. I think we gonna be okay, baby girl. We're gonna be okay. hey we could take 'em all out if... yeah, Check this out...

Andy:
[May 7 04, 6:19 AM] Yeah, yeah. We recording. We're making history here. I gotta have a record of this when I write the book. I'm driving home from Mustang sally's last night and there's, like a police roadblock ahead, and I'm thinking "Oh,sh*t, man. I've had, like seven shooters." So I take a right on birch. [alarm sounds in the background] Goddamn it! [goes downstairs to turn it off and comes back to video recording] Sorry. Burglar alarm goes off every time they bang on the door. I had to turn it off. i don't think they'll get in. Door's solid. Two Kryptonite locks. It'll hold. So, anyway, they. like, attack the car. They're trying to turn it over and I ran over a couple of 'em. I felt one pf their heads pop. Then the others started running after my truck. Damn, those f***ers can move. [looks at the door] I gotta reinforce it!

Andy:
[May 18 04, 9:21pm] Okay, okay. We're out there playing "Hollywood Squares". right? There's all these dead f***s down there that totally look like famous people. you know, Jay leno, George Clooney, Rosemary Clooney, Oh, Burt Reynolds. I had to waste Burt Reynolds. There was one guy, totally looked like Mr. Tomasini, my 10th-grade gym teacher. I must of shot him, like, 50 times. there ain't nothing left of him... except for his head sticking out of a puddle of red Jell-o! I mean, is this totally f***ed up or what? But, you know, it's kinda cool. because I get to smoke all these people but they're already dead. So, I'm not really killing anyone. i mean, is that totally f***ed up or what? God, i wish Susan was out there. No,no,no. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna go there. But you know what, you b*tch, you know what you did? You took everything! You got the house. You got the cash. You left me with nothing. No. Not nothing, I got her. Got my baby girl. She would've dropped her at her grandparents. i mean, she had to. Please. she never wanted her anyways. Oh God... First... thing... when I'm done with this. I'm going up to the cabin. Going up, getting on that lake. I'm not gonna forget you my baby girl. You're my baby girl. I'd never forget you. I'd never leave you behind me. You're coming with me, okay? God, Oh, God, she's gotta be all right. Please, you don't need to hear this!