The Love Guru

Guru Pitka:
In my book, "If you're happy and you know it, Think again", I speak of the teachings of Intimacy, or Into-Me-I-Seeâ„¢. Intimacy is like putting your Wiener on a table and having someone say. 'Hey, That looks like a Penis, Only smaller!' [Laughs] Only Smaller...

Guru Pitka:
Although I was raised here in India, I was born in America, which is where our journey begins. It's the story of a hockey player, named Darren Roanoke. My most resistant student, who became my greatest teacher... Or some such bullshit, I don't know.

Guru Pitka:
Dick Pants... send him in.

Guru Pitka:
Guru Pitka had a farm. EIEIO. And in that farm he did no harm. EIEIO.â„¢

Guru Pitka:
Milk milk lemonade this is where the fudge is made

Guru Pitka:
BIBLE - Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earthâ„¢

Guru Pitka:
Don't peck my f***ing eyes!

Guru Pitka:
Tickle, tickle... Break the pickle.

Guru Pitka:
Marishka Hargitay Jessica simpson.

Guru Pitka:
Marishka Hargitay Val Kilmer.

Guru Pitka:
Marishka Hargitay... Marishka Hargitay.

Guru Pitka:
Tonight I want you to go from nowhere to NOW HERE.â„¢

Guru Pitka:
Is it made out of dog? Is it a dog's tingy, am I being punk'd?

Guru Pitka:
If you ever sucker punch me again, I'll kick your ass all the way back to the keebler factory.

Guru Pitka:
I have two tattoos. One of them is DRAMA tattoo and the other is a picture of daffy duck pushing a lawn mower through my pubes.

Guru Pitka:
Let's make like a baby and head out.

Guru Pitka:
I don't know what you're talking about. (coughs up feathers)

Guru Pitka:
Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup, and make it snappy. Because alligators are snappy, and at the same time, I want it prompt.

Guru Pitka:
THE ULTIMATE DISTRACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guru Pitka:
Well, it looks more like Gay Skin. (laughs)

Guru Pitka:
I lied. She is still with Le Coq, and he still has the biggest Weiner in history.

Guru Pitka:
I WANNA SING!

Guru Pitka:
Go Speedy. Ride like a cowboy.

Guru Pitka's books:
Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Why are you still hitting yourself?

Guru Pitka's books:
What's this? A dead one of these.

Guru Pitka's books:
If you're happy and you know it think again.

Guru Pitka's books:
Does that hurt when you do that? Then don't do that.

Guru Pitka's books:
I know you are, but what am I?

Jacques Grande:
Ding Dong. Did someone order the special Quebec pizza huh? You know, like in the porno.

Jacques Grande:
Don't look at me with that tone of voice or I will punch you in the shirt!

Jacques Grande:
Dis is my day of lucky!

Rajneesh:
[answering cell phone] Dell Computers, this is Chip.

Guru Tugginmypudha:
Good distraction frees us from emotional pain. Bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz.

Coach Punch Cherkov:
What's the capital of Thailand?

Guru Pitka:
Bangkok.

Coach Punch Cherkov:
Exactly. [punches Pitka in the crotch, Pitka hunches down then doubles over covering his crotch]

Guru Pitka:
Omar Sharif, my 'balls''''! OH-HOH!

Coach Punch Cherkov:
Stay down b*tch

Guru Pitka:
Okay{nods)

Coach Punch Cherkov:
What's the capital of Thailand?

Guru Pitka:
Bangkok.

Coach Punch Cherkov:
Exactly. [punches Pitka in the crotch, chastity belt dings .

Guru Pitka:
OH!

Guru Pitka:
Break the pickle...tickle, tickle.

Guru Pitka:
What is it you can't face? (use strong Indian accent on "can't")

Guru Tugginmypudha:
Students, now I am going to teach you the "D" of drama. Distraction. Maurice, if Plato, Shakespeare and Einstein were talking about the meaning of life, and two elephants started humping outside, even they would rush to the window. It is the ultimate distraction.