The Lucy Show

Vivian Bagley:
Don't you remember your children? Mr. Mooney?

Lucy Carmichael:
[With amnesia] I have a child named Mr. Mooney?

Lucy Carmichael:
Weren't you ever a teenager?

Theodore J. Mooney:
Well, of course, what do you think?

Lucy Carmichael:
I thought one day they opened the bank vault and out you popped, full grown and stingy!

Vivian Bagley:
[flirting with Henry Taylor to kill time while Lucy breaks into his room] Oh, the way you explain fractions! You just make them sing! If I may say so, Mr. Taylor, there's nothing common about your denominator.

Lucy Carmichael:
Hey, Viv, have you snagged a date for Saturday night yet?

Vivian Bagley:
Well, actually, there were so many men that wanted to take me that, rather than play favorites, I decided not to go at all. That way nobody gets hurt.

Chris Carmichael:
Hey, that's a good one! I'll use it next time I don't have a date.

[in her hurry to tell her girlfriends about winning a trip to London, Lucy slams Mr. Mooney's door, shattering the glass in the frame]

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
And they think they'll always be an England.

Stewardess:
Is there anything else I can help you with?

Lucy Carmichael:
Ah, no I don't think so. Later, I may have coffee, tea or milk.

Lucy Carmichael:
My, it's a small world, isn't it?

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Yes... and with you in it, no wonder they're racing for the moon.

[first lines]

Lucy Carmichael:
[on the phone] Hello? Oh hi Mary Jane. Go to the beach? Are you kidding? Well it sounds wonderful, but I have to work. Yes, on a Saturday, yes. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's not fair, comparing Mr. Mooney to Simon Legree. No, no, I'm not defending Mr. Mooney, I'm defending Simon Legree.

Lucy Carmichael:
Oh no! This is unbelievable!

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
They want you to pay more income tax.

Lucy Carmichael:
No. Worse than that.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Nothing can be worse than paying more income tax.

Lucy Carmichael:
Yes, it can. I've been drafted.

Lucy Carmichael:
Imagine putting me in the Army.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Don't worry. You'll never pass the physical.

Male Recruit:
What are you bawlin' about, Mac?

Lucy Carmichael:
[crying] My hair! They cut off my hair!

Male Recruit:
So what? They cut off mine, too and mine was longer than yours!

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
[to Lucy] Starting first thing tomorrow, you come back to work for me.

Marine Sergeant:
Mr. Mooney. I want you to have this.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
What's that?

Marine Sergeant:
My medal for bravery. You deserve it more than I do!

Lucy Carmichael:
Oh boy, I've made military history!

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Oh?

Lucy Carmichael:
Yea, I think I'm the first Marine to ever get out of the service because he was a mother!

[last lines]

Lucy Carmichael:
What did you say?

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
I said, I'm this here Carmichael's replacement.

Lucy Carmichael:
[to Marine Sergeant] Good luck. buddy.

Lucy Carmichael:
[Lucy and Mr. Mooney are trying to think of someone to endorse their bank] How about the Maharajah of Beverly Hills?

Theodore J. Mooney:
Who?

Lucy Carmichael:
Jack Benny!

Theodore J. Mooney:
Jack Benny?

Lucy Carmichael:
Sure! Everybody knows that Jack Benny doesn't trust banks. He keeps all his money in his house. If we could get his business we could get everyone else's business!

Theodore J. Mooney:
If we could get Jack Benny's business, we wouldn't need anyone else's business!

[Jack Benny is opening a bank account]

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Your social security number?

Jack Benny:
One.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Do you have any scars or identifying marks?

Jack Benny:
Well... yes, I have a tattoo done many years ago.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
What does it say?

[embarrassed, Jack whispers in Mr. Mooney's ear]

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
J-e-l-l-o?

Jack Benny:
You see, I had to. In those days, sponsors were hard to come by.

[a school of fish devour a leg of beef in one of Lucy's traps]

Jack Benny:
What happened?

Lucy Carmichael:
Piranha fish.

Jack Benny:
Piranha fish? What a picnic they'd have with Jackie Gleason. You know, by the time he ould say, 'Away we go,' he'd already be gone.

Jack Benny:
Oh boy, this quicksand is the cleverest idea I've ever heard!

Lucy Carmichael:
I'm glad you like it. I think it's even better than your shark-filled moat.

Jack Benny:
And cheaper! You don't have to feed them.

Lucy Carmichael:
You know, I have done something that will make you very happy.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
You're looking for another job?

Mary Jane Lewis:
Hey!

Lucy Carmichael:
What?

Mary Jane Lewis:
We could have a party and introduce her to some boys.

Lucy Carmichael:
What boys?

Mary Jane Lewis:
Well, how about those musicians who live across the hall? They're very nice and they're just kooky enough to get Carol out of her shell.

Lucy Carmichael:
Maybe she belongs in a shell.

Mary Jane Lewis:
Why?

Lucy Carmichael:
Because I think she's some kind of nut.

Lucy Carmichael:
Chocolate, Strawberry, Rocky road, Coffee, Coconut, Tooty-Fruity,Huckleberry, Toffee, Peppermint, Pistachio, Chocolate Chip, Cinnamon, Burnt Pecan, Tangerine Whip, Cranberry, Fudge Ripple, Lime, Vanilla, Pineapple, Lemon Crunch, and Marshmilla, the flavor of the month is Kumquat.

Milton Berle:
Now, Ruth, when a man matures he wants the kind of success that brings respect. I mean, when you meet people today and you talk about Berle, what's the best thing they can say about him? 'He's funny, he's funny, he's funny.' Well, I'm out to prove that Berle is not funny... That's not a nice thing to say.

Ruth Berle:
I didn't say anything.

Milton Berle:
That's what hurts. You love me too much to say it.

[first lines]

Lucy Carmichael:
Oh, boy. That's the biggest sale I ever went to.

Mary Jane Lewis:
What a mob!

Lucy Carmichael:
Yeah, I never saw such pushing and shoving in my life. Push push push! Shove shove shove! And some of the women still wouldn't let me through! What's so funny?

Mary Jane Lewis:
Whoever said women were the weaker sex never went shopping with us.

Mr. Barnsdahl:
[going over Lucy's checkbook] Your addition is perfect.

Lucy Carmichael:
Thank you.

Mr. Barnsdahl:
However, when we write a check, we do not add to our balance, we subtract. How could you have made such a mistake?

Lucy Carmichael:
Well, to tell you the truth, I - I don't like subtraction.

Lucy Carmichael:
[to elephant standing on a $500 bill] Pardon me, but if you lift your foot, I promise to vote Republican.

Lucy Carmichael:
[to Fran] Get back in line, Mary! Just stay back there.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
This note goes out to Mr. John Wayne.

Lucy Carmichael:
John Wayne? Gaahh!

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Mrs. Carmichael, Mr. Wayne is a client and when I dictate correspondence to him, I wish you would refrain from going 'gaahh'.

Lucy Carmichael:
I can't help it. He's my all time favorite.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Nevertheless, I wish you wouldn't fall apart every time I mention his name.

Lucy Carmichael:
I just wish he was here to pick up the pieces.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
I'm not interested in whom you would like to be picked up by.

John Wayne:
Hi, honey.

Mary Jane Lewis:
Hello.

Lucy Carmichael:
I thought you didn't know John Wayne.

Mary Jane Lewis:
I don't.

Lucy Carmichael:
Well, he said hello to you.

Mary Jane Lewis:
He says hello to everybody.

Lucy Carmichael:
But he called you honey.

Mary Jane Lewis:
He doesn't know my name.

Lucy Carmichael:
It must be very bothersome, people bothering you all the time. Like when they ask you for your autograph and everything.

John Wayne:
Well, I never considered that a bother.

Lucy Carmichael:
Oh, can I have your autograph?

Lucy Carmichael:
Most actors don't look anything like they do in their old pictures on television.

John Wayne:
You want to know what I think ages them?

Lucy Carmichael:
What?

John Wayne:
Staying up all night watching their old movies on television.

[Lucy and Dorothy are at the restaurant. The waitress is taking their orders]

Dorothy:
I'll have a cup of tea.

Waitress:
[writing down] And...?

Dorothy:
That's it.

Lucy Carmichael:
And I'll have a bowl of hot water.

Waitress:
[exclaims] A bowl of hot water! Did you come here to eat or take a bath?

[first lines]

Waitress:
Are you ready to order?

Lucy Carmichael:
Not yet, I'm waiting for some friends.

Waitress:
Okay.

Lucy Carmichael:
Mr. Willis? Mr. Willis. Do you really need money?

Chuck Willis:
Oh, no. No, no, I'm really an eccentric millionaire. Course I need money!

Lucy Carmichael:
Why you just take wonderful, wonderful pictures. This picture of Mrs. Mooney is just fantastic.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
That is a picture of the Grand Canyon. You know it does look like Irma with her mouth open.

Lucy Carmichael:
[negotiating with Mr. Mooney] Why should you get half of my half? I'll give you 10 per cent.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Mrs. Carmichael, you do not bargain with Leonardo Da Vinci.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
I bet they didn't have this much trouble making 'Gone With the Wind'.

Chuck Willis:
[to Lucy] You know that Goulet sure is a nice guy. He's a lousy actor but a nice guy.

Miss Hurlow:
Mr. Goulet?

Lucy Carmichael:
Chuck?

Arthur Finster:
No, I'm Arthur Finster.

Lucy Carmichael:
[Viv and Lucy are trapped in a rapidly-flooding shower stall] Well, let's not argue! We've got to get some help!

Vivian Bagley:
Where?

Lucy Carmichael:
Well... maybe somebody will come by the house and save us!

Vivian Bagley:
Who? Some door-to-door frogman?

[Lucy and Viv are trapped in a flooded shower stall, Lucy dives down in an attempt to open the drain]

Lucy Carmichael:
Oh boy, where's Lloyd Bridges when you need him?

[Viv and Lucy are trapped in a rapidly-flooding shower stall]

Vivian Bagley:
I just now thought of something.

Lucy Carmichael:
What?

Vivian Bagley:
Did you pay this month's water bill?

Lucy Carmichael:
Sure I did.

Vivian Bagley:
THAT WAS A DUMB THING TO DO!

[first lines]

Lucy Carmichael:
Good morning. Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Good morning.

[Lucy has become intoxicated on champagne while meeting with Jacques Du Pre at his hotel]

Jacques DuPre:
I think you'd better have some, um, black coffee.

Lucy Carmichael:
Black coffee?

Jacques DuPre:
It will make you feel better.

Lucy Carmichael:
I am perfectly all right! [Lucy stands and staggers around the room] I assure you I'm doing my job! I'm a very competary secretant!

[last lines]

Lucy Carmichael:
[singing] Je ne sais pas scooby doo.

Lucy Carmichael:
This is terrible. A big star like Joan Crawford reduced to working as a maid.

Vivian Bunson:
I don't think she's a maid.

Lucy Carmichael:
Well, how come she's dressed like that and she's cleaning the place?

Vivian Bunson:
I think this is her house and she's broke. She probably sold all her furniture just to buy food.

Lucy Carmichael:
Oh, no!

Vivian Bunson:
Oh, Lucy, when the big ones fall, they really fall.

Mr Theodore J Mooney:
Giving Joan food isn't enough. We need to find her a job so she can support herself.

Lucy Carmichael:
I hadn't thought of that.

Mr Theodore J Mooney:
And it has to be an acting job.

Vivian Bunson:
What will we do?

Mr Theodore J Mooney:
An acting job for Joan? I have a friend who has a little theater downtown.

Lucy Carmichael:
I'll write a play for her!

Mr Theodore J Mooney:
Oh, please, she's in trouble enough now.

Joan Crawford:
Mr. Mooney, your basket of food was not wasted. I donated it to a very worthy charity.

Mr Theodore J Mooney:
Oh, good, than it's deductible.

Joan Crawford:
I know. I'm deducting it.

Agent:
Joan, if you don't want to go back to work perhaps you can help someone else get a job.

Joan Crawford:
Sure, how?

Agent:
Well I have an offer for another performer who appeared in the show with you. Now I'd like the name...

Lucy Carmichael:
It's me! It's me!

Agent:
No, I'm afraid not. The producer said he was interested in the fat one.

Vivian Bunson:
That's me!

Agent:
I don't think so. He said the fat one with the mustache.

Mr Theodore J Mooney:
[bragging to Lucy and Viv] Hey, when you've got it, you've got it!

Mr Theodore J Mooney:
[looks at Lucy & Viv] Good heavens, it's the Smothers Mothers!

Mary Jane Lewis:
Mr. Mooney bought a present for his wife?

Lucy Carmichael:
He had a ring made for her.

Mary Jane Lewis:
What she catch him at?

Mary Jane Lewis:
But Lucy, from what you've told me, I didn't even think he was fond of his wife.

Lucy Carmichael:
He's fond of anything that's deductable.

[first lines]

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
She's never on time. Always late, always late.

[Lucy arrives late for work]

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
What's your excuse, Mrs. Carmichael! All right, Mrs. Carmichael, you might as well answer. I know your there.

Lucy Carmichael:
You must have eyes on the back of your head?

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Maybe I do and wouldn't we make a peach of a pear, if you had a head in the back of your eyes.

Lucy Carmichael:
Really, Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Mrs. Carmichael, how are you at imitations?

Lucy Carmichael:
Imitations?

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Hmmm?

Lucy Carmichael:
Oh, pretty good I guess.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Fine. Then imitate a secretary and look busy. Step to it!

Mr. Cheever:
As you know, from this moment on, you will take your orders from Mr. Mooney.

Tommy Cheever:
I'd rather take my orders from Mrs. Carmichael.

Mr. Cheever:
Watch it boy.

Lucy Carmichael:
Yeah, watch it boy.

[last lines]

Tommy Cheever:
[singing] Clap your hands, gonna get that feeling from morning 'till night.

Lucy Carmichael:
[about Mr. Mooney] Who does he think he is? Goldfinger?

[first lines]

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Battle stations! Well a fine sailor you'd make

Lucy Carmichael:
Mr. Mooney!

[last lines]

Lucy Carmichael:
Hip-hip-horray.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Mrs. Carmichael, anyone familiar with sports knows that baseball players open bowling alleys and boxers open saloons.

Lucy Carmichael:
Yeah, well, not Eddie.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Oh?

Eddie Rickles:
I'm a florist.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Ah, you're wise.

Lucy Carmichael:
And he's going to buy his own shop

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
[to Eddie] And you're smart.

Lucy Carmichael:
And you're going to give him the three thousand dollars to do it.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
[to Lucy] And you're nuts!

Chris Carmichael:
Aunt Viv! Aunt Viv! How come you're practicing?

Vivian 'Viv' Bagley:
Oh, our Ladies' Volunteer Fire Department quartet is going to rehearse here tonight. We just organized it. We're calling ourselves, "The Four Alarms". You know - four alarm fire. Get it?

Chris Carmichael:
Oh, that's a cute name.

Vivian 'Viv' Bagley:
We think so. And at our age we could hardly call ourselves, "The Four Freshmen".

Chris Carmichael:
I think you have a lovely voice.

Lucy Carmichael:
Well, thank you dear, but apparently I have a voice only a daughter could love.

[first lines]

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Now Mrs. Winkler, I'm not the type of man to high pressure anyone into making a hasty decision, but I'm sure you'd be more than satisfied if you gave our bank a chance to handle your late husband's estate.

Mrs. Winkler:
Well I appreciate your interest Mr. Mooney, but I think I'd like a little longer to think it over.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Of course.

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Oh yes, I almost forgot. Tomorrow is my vacation.

Lucy Carmichael:
You mean my vacation?

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
When you're not here, it's my vacation.

Lucy Carmichael:
You know what she is?

Mary Jane Lewis:
What?

Lucy Carmichael:
She's a one woman Peyton Place.

[last lines]

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney:
Are you interested in lunch, Mrs. Carmichael.

Lucy Carmichael:
With you, yes.

[last lines]

Lucy Carmichael:
Now, aren't you glad we came? Everything turned out just fine.

Vivian Bunson:
Yeah, for once one of your crazy schemes didn't backfire. Come on, let's get out of here.

Lucy Carmichael:
Yeah.