The Martian

Mark Watney:
Hi, I'm Mark Watney and I'm still alive... obviously.

Mark Watney:
In the face of overwhelming odds, I'm left with only one option, I'm gonna have to science the sh*t out of this.

Mark Watney:
Every human being has a basic instinct: to help each other out. If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people will coordinate a search. If a train crashes, people will line up to give blood. If an earthquake levels a city, people all over the world will send emergency supplies. This is so fundamentally human that it's found in every culture without exception. Yes, there are a**holes who just don't care, but they're massively outnumbered by the people who do. ~ Mark Watney, The Martian

Teddy Sanders:
If we are going to have a secret project called "Elrond", then I want my code name to be "Glorfindel".

Mark Watney:
F*** you Mars.

Mark Watney:
I don't want to come off as arrogant here, but I'm the greatest botanist on this planet.

Mark Watney:
They say once you grow crops somewhere, you have officially colonized it. So, technically, I colonized Mars. In your face, Neil Armstrong!

Mark Watney:
If I want water, I'll have to make it from scratch. Fortunately, I know the recipe: Take hydrogen. Add oxygen. Burn.

Mark Watney:
Tell Commander Lewis, disco sucks.

Mark Watney:
I admit it's fatally dangerous, but I'd get to fly around like Iron Man.

Mark Watney:
[after trying to make water by burning hydrogen] So... I blew myself up.

Mark Watney:
[after finding out the intercept distance is too far] Did you say 312? Yeah, I'll just wave to you guys as I go by.

Mark Watney:
[recording a video message] If the oxygenator breaks down, I'll suffocate. If the water reclaimer breaks down, I'll die of thirst. If the hab breaches, I'll just kind of implode. If none of those things happen, I'll eventually run out of food and starve to death. So, yeah... Yeah...

Mark Watney:
I've been thinking about laws on Mars. There's an international treaty saying that no country can lay claim to anything that's not on Earth. By another treaty if you're not in any country's territory, maritime law aplies. So Mars is international waters. Now, NASA is an American non-military organization, it owns the Hab. But the second I walk outside I'm in international waters. So Here's the cool part. I'm about to leave for the Schiaparelli Crater where I'm going to commandeer the Ares IV lander. Nobody explicitly gave me permission to do this, and they can't until I'm on board the Ares IV. So I'm going to be taking a craft over in international waters without permission, which by definition... makes me a pirate. Mark Watney: Space Pirate.

Rich Purnell:
I'm gonna need more coffee [trips over trash basket]

Teddy Sanders:
Mark Watney is dead.

Mark Watney:
Surprise!

Mark Watney:
I'm not gonna die here.

Mark Watney:
Mars will come to fear my botany powers.

Mark Watney:
None of this matters at all if I can't find a way to make contact with NASA.

Mark Watney:
Who am I to talk about loneliness?

Teddy Sanders:
Every time something goes wrong, the world forgets why we fly.

Mark Watney:
I'm the first person to be alone on an entire planet.

Mark Watney:
It's a strange feeling. Everywhere I go, I'm the first. Step outside the rover? First guy ever to be there! Climb a hill? First guy to climb that hill! Kick a rock? That rock hadn't moved in a million years! I'm the first guy to drive long-distance on Mars. The first guy to spend more than thirty-one sols on Mars. The first guy to grow crops on Mars. First, first, first!

Annie Montrose:
I mean, what are we gonna say, "Dear America, remember that astronaut we killed and had a really nice funeral for? Turns out he's alive and we left him on Mars. Our bad. Sincerely, NASA". I mean, do you realize the sh*t storm that is about to hit us?

Mark Watney:
Welcome to the Astronaut Candidate Program. Now pay attention, because this could save your life. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

Mark Watney:
All right, let me get a few things out of the way, right off the bat. Yes, I did in fact survive on a deserted planet by farming in my own sh*t. Yes, it's actually worse than it sounds. So, let's not talk about that ever again.

Mark Watney:
The other question I get most frequently is. When I was up there stranded by myself, did I think I was gonna die? Yes, absolutely. And that's one you need to know, going in, because it's gonna happen to you. This is space. It does not cooperate.

[last lines]

Mark Watney:
At some point, everything's gonna go south on you... everything's going to go south and you're going to say, this is it. This is how I end. Now you can either accept that, or you can get to work. That's all it is. You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem... and you solve the next one... and then the next. And If you solve enough problems, you get to come home. All right, questions?

Mark Watney:
[mouthed, when he's told the crew doesn't know he's still alive] What the f***? WHAT THE F***?

Teddy Sanders:
Rich?

Rich Purnell:
Yeah?

Teddy Sanders:
Get out!

Vincent Kapoor:
Mark, please watch your language. Everything you type is being broadcast live all over the world.

Mark Watney:
Yeah?

[he proceeds to swear even more]

Vincent Kapoor:
Oh my God...!

Melissa Lewis:
Let's go get our boy.

[text message from the Hermes]:
Rich Purnell is a steely-eyed missile man!

Vincent Kapoor:
How's he doing?

Mindy Park:
Uh... He asked us to call him Captain Blondebeard.

Mark Watney:
[after hearing he has to take the top off of the Mars Ascent Vehicle] I know what they're doing. I know exactly what they're doing. They just keep repeating "go faster than any man in the history of space travel", like that's a good thing. Like it'll distract me from how insane their plan is. Yeah, I get to go faster than any man in the history of space travel, because you're launching me in a convertible. Actually it's worse than that, because I won't even be able to control the thing. And by the way, physicists, when describing things like acceleration do not use the word "fast". So they're only doing that in the hopes that I won't raise any objections to this lunacy, because I like the way "fastest man in the history of space travel" sounds. I do like the way it sounds... I mean, I like it a lot. [pauses] I'm not gonna tell them that.

Mark Watney:
[eating a potato] It has been *seven days* since I ran out of ketchup!

[first lines]

Melissa Lewis:
All right team, stay in sight of each other. Let's make NASA proud today.

Rick Martinez:
How's it looking over there, Watney?

Mark Watney:
Well, you will be happy to hear that in Grid Section 14-28, the particles were predominately coarse but in 29, they're much finer and they should be ideal for chem analysis.

Rick Martinez:
Oh, wow. Did everybody hear that? Mark just discovered dirt. [laughs] Should we alert the media?

Bruce Ng:
Mars' atmosphere is so thin, by the time the ship's going fast enough for air resistance to matter, it'll be high enough that there's practically no air.

Vincent Kapoor:
You want to send him into space under a tarp?

Bruce Ng:
Yes!

Mark Watney:
[talking to himself] I'm sorry, Martinez, but if you didn't want me to go through your stuff, you shouldn't have left me for dead on a desolate planet.

Mark Watney:
I figured one of you guys kept an ASCII table lying around. And I was right. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you super-nerd Beth Johanssen, who also had copies of "Zork II" and "Leather Goddesses of Phobos" on her personal laptop. Seriously, Johanssen... it's like the Smithsonian of loneliness on there.

Annie Montrose:
What the hell is "Project Elrond?"

Vincent Kapoor:
I had to make something up.

Annie Montrose:
But "Elrond?"

Mitch Henderson:
Because it's a secret meeting.

Annie Montrose:
How do you know that; why does Elrond mean secret meeting?

Bruce Ng:
The Council of Elrond. It's the... it's... it's... from The Lord of the Rings. It's the meeting where they decide to destroy the One Ring.

Teddy Sanders:
If we are going to call something Project Elrond, I would like my code name to be Glorfindel.

Annie Montrose:
Okay, I hate every one of you.

Mitch Henderson:
He's not even got to the bad parts yet.

Vincent Kapoor:
Well, let's get to the bad parts.

Bruce Ng:
We need to remove the nose LR, the windows, and the whole of panel 19.

Vincent Kapoor:
You want to take the front of the ship off?

Bruce Ng:
Sure. The nose alone is 400 kilograms.

Vincent Kapoor:
You want to send a man into space without the front of his ship?

Bruce Ng:
Well, no. We are going to have him cover it with HAB canvas. The hull is mostly there to keep air in. Mars' atmosphere is so thin, you do not need a lot of streamlining. By the time the ship is going fast enough for air resistance to matter, it'll be high enough that there will be practically no air.

Vincent Kapoor:
You want to send him into space under a tarp?

Bruce Ng:
Yes. Can I go on?

Vincent Kapoor:
NO!

Teddy Sanders:
I just had to explain to the President of the United States what a bureaucratic felcher is.

Mitch Henderson:
I made the mistake of typing it into Google. Don't.

Annie Montrose:
But if something goes wrong?

Vincent Kapoor:
Then we lose the crew.

Bruce Ng:
So what, we either have a high chance of killing one person, or a low chance of killing six people. How do we make that decision?

Vincent Kapoor:
We don't. [pointing to Teddy] He does.

Mitch Henderson:
Yeah, bullshit. It should be Commander Lewis' call.

Teddy Sanders:
We still have a chance to bring five astronauts home safe and sound. I'm not risking their lives.

Mitch Henderson:
Let them make that decision.

Teddy Sanders:
Mitch, we are going with option one.

Mitch Henderson:
You goddamn coward.

Melissa Lewis:
You're in Martinez's hands now.

Mark Watney:
Well... tell that a**hole no barrel rolls.

Mark Watney:
I've got to make a lot more water. The good thing is, I know the recipe: You take hydrogen, you add oxygen, and you burn. Now, I have hundreds of liters of unused hydrazine at the MDV. If I run the hydrazine over an iridium catalyst, it'll separate into N2 and H2. And then if I just direct the hydrogen into a small area and burn it. Luckily, in the history of humanity, nothing bad has ever happened from lighting hydrogen on fire.

Mark Watney:
Good news: I may have a solution to my heating problem. Bad news: it involves me digging up the radioisotope thermoelectric generator. Now, if I remember my training correctly, one of the lessons was titled: "Don't dig up the big box of plutonium, Mark." I get it; RTGs are good for spacecraft, but if they rupture around humans... no more humans, which is why we buried it when we arrived. And planted that flag so we would never be stupid enough to accidentally go near it again. But, as long as I don't break it... [trails off, then starts laughing] I almost just said "Everything will be fine," out loud. Look, the point is, I'm not cold anymore.

Tim Grimes:
[reading Watney's transcript] Okay, he says, "They don't know I'm alive? What the--" F-word, F-word in gerund form, F-word again "--is wrong with you?"

Mark Watney:
They say once you grow crops somewhere, you have officially colonized it. So, technically, I colonized Mars. In your face, Neil Armstrong!