The Mouse That Roared

Grand Duchess Gloriana:
How did the war go?

Tulley Bascombe:
Well, Your Grace, we're home. Actually, there's been a slight change of plan. I know it will come as a surprise, a pleasant one, I hope, but we sort of won.

Prime Minster Count Rupert Mountjoy:
You sort of *what*?

[There is an explosion and we see a huge mushroom cloud on the horizon]

Narrator:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is not the end of the film. However, something like this might easily happen, and we thought we should put you in the proper mood. And now, back to our story.

General Snippet:
I warn you, madam - I know the entire Geneva Convention by heart!

Grand Duchess Gloriana:
Oh, how nice! You must recite it for me some evening; I play the harpsichord.

General Snippet:
Remember, men, no matter what they do, don't talk.

U.S. Policeman:
What if they torture us?

General Snippet:
Just don't talk!

U.S. Policeman:
Can we scream a little?

Tulley Bascombe:
Remember, men. There is nothing wrong with surrendering to overwhelming powers, as long as it is done in a military manner.

Prime Minster Count Rupert Mountjoy:
My idea was sound. Only an idiot could have won this war, and he did.

Tulley Bascombe:
My girl, and my bomb!

Air Raid Warden in Physics Lab:
Why is it so different from an H-bomb?

Professor Alfred Kokintz:
H-bomb? This new bomb is based on quodium, which is 100 times more powerful than hydrogen.

Helen Kokintz:
My father uses an H-bomb just to trigger this one.

Prime Minster Count Rupert Mountjoy:
I move we declare war on the United States of America.

Benter:
As leader of the party of the common man, I say that war is reprehensible, barbaric, unforgivable, and unthinkable. And I second the motion.

Tulley Bascombe:
There isn't a more profitable undertaking for any country than to declare war on the United States and to be defeated.

Tulley Bascombe:
Men of Fenwick, where you hear the name of Grand Fenwick do your hearts swell with pride?

Men of Fenwick:
Yes!

Tulley Bascombe:
And if your country calls will you rush to enlist?

Men of Fenwick:
No!

Tulley Bascombe:
Oh.

Grand Duchess Gloriana:
Do give my love to your president, will you? And Mrs. Coolidge too.

Helen Kokintz:
You can turn around right now and kiss me if you want to.

Tulley Bascombe:
Really?

Helen Kokintz:
Really.

Benter:
Stay away from...

United States Secretary of Defense:
A fine thing, the United States and the Grand Duchy of Fenwick are at war, and it takes the F.B.I. to find out about it.

Solider #1:
Hey, you see that big building?

Solider #2:
Well?

Solider #1:
Well, I saw it first, it's mine.

Prime Minster Count Rupert Mountjoy:
We must declare war on the United States.

Benter:
But we can never win such a war!

Prime Minster Count Rupert Mountjoy:
Of course not, but we could win the peace. I've given this a lot of thought gentlemen and I'm perfectly positive that I am right. You must remember, the Americans are a very strange people. Whereas other countries rarely forgive anything, the Americans forgive anything. There isn't a more profitable undertaking for any country than to declare war on the United States and to be defeated.

Tulley Bascombe:
[about the Q-Bomb] How should I carry it?

Professor Alfred Kokintz:
Carefully.

Pedro:
How did the war with the United States go, eh?

Tulley Bascombe:
We won!