The Mysteries of Laura

Laura Diamond:
Maximillia, what's up?

Max Carnegie:
911 call from New Hall!

[Laura races to the address, enters a room with walls covered in red]

Laura Diamond:
This is a depraved, unspeakable act! I am sickened. Get ready to be inside for a very long time! Life as you know it is over! What do you have to say for yourselves?

Nicholas Broderick, Harrison Broderick:
Sorry Mommy!

Deedee Walden:
Please tell me you're NYPD

Dan Hauser:
Yes ma'am, captain Dan Hauser, my colleague detective Laura Diamond

Deedee Walden:
A middle-aged police woman! Just like on TV! I love that

Laura Diamond:
How awkward of you to say

Deedee Walden:
It's clear your face has seen so much

Dan Hauser:
Can I ask you why you're still wearing your wedding ring?

Laura Diamond:
I just haven't gotten around to taking it off

Principal:
I am afraid your boys are no longer welcome in the New Hall community

Laura Diamond:
Wow, wow, wow, no, no, no, no! I don't need them to be welcome, I just need to drop them off at 8 and pick them up at 5. Isn't there some kind of a detention hall?

Principal:
They are expelled! Done! Gone!

Nicholas Broderick, Harrison Broderick:
YEAH!

Laura Diamond:
So, get the valet to open the car

Billy Soto:
Yeah, How I am supposed to do that without a warrant?

Laura Diamond:
[sigh] Oh Billy [dances to the valet] Hi! Oh... I am so glad it's you, sweetie! I left something personal in my husband's car... my underwear [giggles] We like to spice it up every other Wednesday. Anyway I just had a Brazilian and I'm feeling a little drafty... but if I have to interrupt my husband class, I will never hear the end of it! Please help me! [Valet opens the car] Hiiii, thank you!

Jake Broderick:
Listen up everyone. A Frank Pulaski of the Chief of Detective Unit will be stopping by. Apparently somebody is under the mistaken impression that something happened between two people of different ranks

Laura Diamond:
Which it didn't. Nothing happened!

Jake Broderick:
Now, we don't know the specifics...

Laura Diamond:
Because there are none! Nothing happened!

Jake Broderick:
So, give them the facts. When detective Pulaski arrives, he will be interviewing each and every one of you

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Uh, he's here! Except "he" is a "she"! Huh. Hi, I am detective Pulaski

Jake Broderick:
You're Frank Pulaski?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
It's Francesca, but everyone calls me Frankie, no matter how many times I ask them not to. People!

Laura Diamond:
[At the autopsy] Reynaldo, are you wearing a tuxedo?

Reynaldo West:
I don't have time to change, before I my Arthur Murray class

Laura Diamond:
You're taking a dance class?

Reynaldo West:
I am teaching one

Laura Diamond:
Of course you are

Laura Diamond:
[Looking at the passport of the murdered girl] Hello Viviana Costa. Here on a work visa. I'm off to Brazil! [Scene at autopsy stops]

Meredith Bose:
[Entering a building] This is not what I was thinking when you said we were going to Brazil!

Laura Diamond:
[Giggles] Land inside a consulate is legally foreign territory

Laura Diamond:
[Answers her cell phone] Hey, food truck!

Tony Abbott:
Hey, I'm just calling to let your mouth know that I made a cr?me brulee

Laura Diamond:
That's exciting! But unfortunately my mouth and I have to work late tonight

Tony Abbott:
Ooh

Laura Diamond:
That sounded dirtier than I intended!

Tony Abbott:
Yes it did!

Meredith Bose:
But it's not going to be easy. These girls are from 12 different countries, it's like a model UN except with real models. Too bad we don't have a translator

Max Carnegie:
Bonjour, guten Tag, ha!

Laura Diamond:
How many languages do you speak?

Max Carnegie:
6, still a little rusty on Mandarin, but I get by

Laura Diamond:
Saddle up!

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
And do you have any idea why captain Broderick seems to favor detective Diamond?

Meredith Bose:
Can this stay between you and me?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Okay

Meredith Bose:
Promise?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Swear

Meredith Bose:
Laura Diamond is by far [mumble, mumble]

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
I'm sorry. Can you just say that...

Meredith Bose:
Laura Diamond is by far the best detective here! But if you repeat a word of that to anyone I will hunt you down! Clear?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Just in my executive summary here. The captain's relationship with detective Diamond is far from resolved and inserts itself into the workplace on a daily basis, as does the flirtation between detectives Soto and Bose. Oh, but don't say anything to them, because they are not aware of it yet

Jake Broderick:
How do you know about that?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Please, do I look like I was born yesterday?

Jake Broderick:
Sort of

Laura Diamond:
Oh, wow! I remember this beer from college! Pretty much all I remember

Meredith Bose:
[Walking towards a strip club] Why do you guys insist on coming to places like this?

Billy Soto:
Because we're guys

Meredith Bose:
So true! The easiest money I ever made

Billy Soto:
Wait a minute! You did this?

Meredith Bose:
How do you think I paid for college?

Billy Soto:
Really?

Meredith Bose:
You wish

Meredith Bose:
You are under arrest! And if I tore these jeans, you owe me $300!

Laura Diamond:
Hey

Jake Broderick:
So what did the chiropractor say?

Laura Diamond:
Next time someone throws a table at me, move

Billy Soto:
Where can we find this guy?

Meredith Bose:
Last social services report had him camped under a scaffolding in midtown

Laura Diamond:
So you did all the background checks? State, FBI, Homeland Security?

Max Carnegie:
She is as clean as a baby's bottom.

Laura Diamond:
Soft as a baby's bottom! Clean? Uh, Uh! Trust me

Max Carnegie:
Copy that! After a two hour interviewing and three government agencies, you can trust this babysitter. Okay! She checks out

Laura Diamond:
I trust her! She is with them right now, isn't she?

Max Carnegie:
Yeah

Laura Diamond:
Trust is a multi-faceted concept for a mother! So swing by, be discreet... ish

Max Carnegie:
Okay

Billy Soto:
What's that about?

Laura Diamond:
Covert mission!

Laura Diamond:
Meredith, pull up the 911-calls from last Thursday at 11.17 PM

Meredith Bose:
You should really learn how to run a computer, there are becoming customary in the workplace!

Laura Diamond:
[after getting into a too small pair of pants] Once a six, always a six!

Nicholas Broderick:
Wow mom. You look sexy!

Laura Diamond:
No, I do not! Did your father teach you that word? [Twins looks down] Apology accepted! Speaking of your father and his wonderful influence: you are each paying for half of Ned's window!

Harrison Broderick:
Can't you pay half, mommy?

Laura Diamond:
[Shakes no] You can't have three halves!

Billy Soto:
He saved that girl

Laura Diamond:
Of course he did! Chivalrous bastard!

Laura Diamond:
Witnesses?

Meredith Bose:
Only the clerk and the customer

Billy Soto:
Okay, I'll take the clerk, [to Meredith] you take the customer

Laura Diamond:
I'll take the clerk!

Billy Soto:
So much for me running point

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
I like your hair. May I? Alcohol, yum! You serve minors here?

Orderly:
Get out of my face Barbie

Meredith Bose:
Whoa! She prefers "Detective Barbie"!

Nurse:
Mr. Broderick, my name is Rebecca. Do you know where you are?

Jake Broderick:
Yeah, I'm guessing the hospital, unless that's a costume and this is my birthday party. Eh, it's nice to see you [Laura] smiling! I should be get shot at more often!

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
[after handcuffing a suspect] Concealed weapon, which is a felony, unless of course you have a permit

Laura Diamond:
I'm not getting the permit vibe!

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
9 mm, same caliber pulled of out the Captain

Laura Diamond:
Did you shoot a cop in a Korean market yesterday? [Takes out her gun and shouts] Did you shoot my husband?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Laura! [Lowers Laura's gun while whispering] down!

FBI Special Agent Lewis:
Hell of a lead

Max Carnegie:
Eh, maybe not

FBI Special Agent Lewis:
And you are?

Max Carnegie:
Max Carnegie. I work here, I have a desk and everything

Laura Diamond:
He does

Laura Diamond:
[Uses black light on shoes] Wow

Billy Soto:
I don't think I wanna know what that is!

Laura Diamond:
Uh, never fails. Break out the black light and your mind goes straight in the gutter

Billy Soto:
So it's not...?

Laura Diamond:
No! Look at all the different colors. It's fluorescent body paint. It rubs right off the skin but it is a nightmare to get out children's clothing

Jake Broderick:
Uh, could be a brewery, but which one? There're hipster beer halls every two blocks in Brooklyn

Laura Diamond:
You would know

Laura Diamond:
I'm more interested in the bartender/drug dealer. Dude in the eyeliner

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Guyliner. Such a fad, but weirdly hot!

Laura Diamond:
If you say so

Max Carnegie:
I found pics of her with Zach on RKOI

Billy Soto:
RKO what?

Max Carnegie:
Rich Kids Of Instagram! Where my people show off their wealth in ridiculous ways. Entitlement porn. Look at all these welfies

Billy Soto:
Okay, I'm afraid to ask, but welfies?

Max Carnegie:
Selfies that showcase ridiculous levels of wealth!

Max Carnegie:
What are you doing?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Drinking coffee. I know, I know, but if there ever was a time for me to break my herbal tea only rule, this is it! Ugh! Okay, one more cup and I'll be good

Max Carnegie:
And then the weekend before in Macau, he lost $100,000 druing a three night stay at the casino. Puts the 'au' in Macau

Billy Soto:
NYPD! Hands where I can see 'em! Get out of the car! Out the car!

Frankie Muniz:
Relax, relax

Meredith Bose:
Frankie?

Billy Soto:
Frankie? Where's she at? [shouts] Wisconsin!

Meredith Bose:
No, no, no, Frankie Muniz

Billy Soto:
Who?

Meredith Bose:
Malcolm in the Middle?

Frankie Muniz:
Agent Cody Banks?

Meredith Bose:
[to Billy] You are hopeless! [to Frankie, giggles] Hi, your face was on my wall for all of middle school

Frankie Muniz:
Thank you, that's sweet!

Meredith Bose:
[Undercover in jewelry] Testing 1, 2, 3. Detective Pulaski and I are in position awaiting the assailants

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
You won't sell anything if you don't show off those pearly whites

Meredith Bose:
You do know we're not really selling anything?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Not with that attitude, we're not

D.B.:
[In interrogation room] I've got nothing to say

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
I've got all the time in the world. No, seriously, I have no place else to be... ever

D.B.:
Then I guess we'll be sitting here all night

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Fun! I haven't pulled an all-nighter since college and your rap sheet looks a lot more interesting than a marine biology textbook

Laura Diamond:
[Doorbell rings] Frankie

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Sorry to bother you at home, I just wanted to say thanks

Laura Diamond:
With 5,000 gummy bears?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
You're not the only one that buys in bulk

Billy Soto:
Hey, victim is a female, white, forties, no id, purse was stale, paid in cash, gave the name Samantha Jones. Could be made up

Laura Diamond:
You think?

Laura Diamond:
Am I the only one noticing the flunk in here?

Billy Soto:
My allergies have been acting up. Smells like sex or something?

Laura Diamond:
I wouldn't remember!

Billy Soto:
It's just a typical nightgown. She could have bought this anywhere

Laura Diamond:
Excuse me! It's a camisole and she bought it here. It's their own label. Jake dragged me in here once thinking we could act out some changing room male fantasy

Billy Soto:
How did that go?

Laura Diamond:
Quickly!

Kevin:
His specialty is seducing DWARFs

Laura Diamond:
Dwarfs? I'm, I'm 5'8"

Kevin:
Divorced Woman Alone and Ready to Fuhhh... I won't say the last part

Laura Diamond:
[Looking at the victim] Not a good day to be this guy!

Laura Diamond:
Alibi checks out for both the councilperson and the web sleuth. So we're back at square one

Meredith Bose:
[Reading] Maybe square two

Laura Diamond:
Hi

Steve Guttenberg:
Yeah

Laura Diamond:
Steve Guttenburg? I'm detective Laura Diamond. You know, the "Police Academy"-movies inspired me to go into law enforcement

Steve Guttenberg:
Really?

Laura Diamond:
No! But, uh, I am a cop on the job and I need you to walk me in

Steve Guttenberg:
Let me see your badge

Laura Diamond:
[sighs] Feel my boob

Steve Guttenberg:
I'm sorry, what?

Laura Diamond:
Feel my boob! My badge is in my bra

Steve Guttenberg:
Okay

Laura Diamond:
The other boob

Steve Guttenberg:
Oh. Usually takes me a couple of drinks to get to second base [... ] So, where do you keep your gun

Laura Diamond:
Don't push it!

Max Carnegie:
F to the I, newbie! You gave earring girl the wrong form! She only needed the A-210

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
No, no, no, Max! I... I was trying to stall her! I was doing a thang!

Max Carnegie:
You don't do thangs!

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Well, I'm learning!

Laura Diamond:
How is she?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
She's gonna be okay, Laura

Laura Diamond:
Not after I deal with her!

Billy Soto:
Hit and run, died on impact. No wallet, no ID. Just once could a victim carry at least a library card?

Meredith Bose:
Where do we find the Trinitarios?

Alejandro Padilla:
Most recent intel puts the gang's headquarters at a Laundromat in Spanish Harlem

Meredith Bose:
All right, I'll go

Laura Diamond:
Oh perfect! You can't go empty handed! [Dives into her desk and gives Meredith a pile of dirty clothes] Here, take this for me

Meredith Bose:
You keep dirty laundry in your desk?

Laura Diamond:
Sometimes I spill on things. Where should I keep them? Your desk?

Meredith Bose:
[Entering the Laundromat] Excuse me. Which one of these machines has a cold rinse option? I would hate my blouses to lose their shape [No answer from guy behind desk] Are you not speaking because you don't speak English or because you don't speak laundry? [Guy nods yes] Wow, you would suck as a Walmart greeter!

Laura Diamond:
Any one of these could be a locker full of laughing grass

Billy Soto:
You looked up weed nicknames online, didn't you?

Laura Diamond:
No

Billy Soto:
Yeah, you did

Laura Diamond:
Did not

Billy Soto:
Meredith told me Alejandro was sniffing around the precinct. Are you trying to impress him with a little hipster drug lingo?

Laura Diamond:
Okay, maybe I did a incy wincy little Google search

Max Carnegie:
Oh my God, look at these

Laura Diamond:
Oh!

Max Carnegie:
Oh my God!

Jake Broderick:
Let me guess: food truck Tony

Laura Diamond:
Oh

Jake Broderick:
And you can't take the time to chew?

Laura Diamond:
This is me chewing

Max Carnegie:
You know what these are? God in brownie form

Laura Diamond:
If that where the case, it'd be fat free

Jake Broderick:
If they're that good, I'll try one

Laura Diamond:
[Prevents Jake from taking one] Stop spying on me and we'll talk!

Jake Broderick:
Why don't you take a trip over and start with the principal?

Laura Diamond:
The way these privileged places work, we're not going to get anywhere! We take one step on that campus and every single student, teacher and administrator will lawyer up, whether we are talking about murder or an overdue library book

Leo Diamond:
Late night! So, what's the report

Laura Diamond:
[Tipsy] All good! We got a promising case in the lead [thinks again] reverse that!

Meredith Bose:
I'll have the techs search for AFID

Laura Diamond:
Eh, regular people speak?

Reynaldo West:
Anti-felon ID taser dischange

Laura Diamond:
Oh, the confetti stuff

Reynaldo West:
That's another name for it

Meredith Bose:
Shall we get lunch and head in?

Laura Diamond:
Not hungry

Meredith Bose:
Not hungry? Has the real Laura Diamond been body snatched?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
[In a hallway] Alexis Holden, 5C

Meredith Bose:
[Hears woman moaning in apartment] Do you hear that?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Protocol! Knock first

Meredith Bose:
Knock yourself out

Coach Al Stinz:
Where are you taking my player?

Meredith Bose:
Your player is a fleeing suspect

Coach Al Stinz:
Suspected of what?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
[At the same time as Meredith] Homicide

Meredith Bose:
[At the same time as Frankie] That's a police matter

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Whoopsie

Meredith Bose:
Big shot like you, you've got all sorts of people to do your dirty work

Phil Hooks:
You got a lot of nerve, sweetheart

Meredith Bose:
Don't call me sweetheart, I'm not sweet!

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
[mumbles] She's really not

Sales Lady:
What can I get you, dear?

Laura Diamond:
Oh, something special, like an enchanted thong. Seems like I've lost my boyfriends attention

Sales Lady:
Challenge accepted. Your boyfriend won't know what hit him

Laura Diamond:
You got to really get in there

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Yeah, I am really in there. Oh, gosh! That is hot!

Laura Diamond:
Well, that's why they call it hotdog

Laura Diamond:
Hi April, I'm Laura. What a sweet, little dog you have. I know you don't feel like talking right now. Is it okay if I talk to, uhm, Bella?

April:
Dogs can't talk

Laura Diamond:
Sure they can! I've seen it on YouTube

Laura Diamond:
He even left one shoe. Who forgets a shoe?

Billy Soto:
Actually you did last week

Laura Diamond:
No! I wore two different shoes by mistake. Not the same thing

Billy Soto:
Do you have to take charge of everything? [Laura walks away] Whom am I talking to? Of course she does!

Meredith Bose:
Not the same guards that were on the street, so plan B is now in effect

Billy Soto:
Plan B?

Meredith Bose:
B is for booze

Reynaldo West:
Yeah, it's not washing that couture Carine Gibson-negligee. Chantilly-lace, it costs over 5K

Laura Diamond:
Why do you know that? I take that back, I don't wanna know, please

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
[Rushes in] Hey, coffee run! Tea for me, actually, but no one says "tea run". [Giggles] Who needs a cup?

Meredith Bose:
I have a cup in my hand, thanks

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Roger that [goes away]

Meredith Bose:
And the precinct sunshine quotient just enter the realm of unbearable

Laura Diamond:
Why were you at her house?

Dr. Andrew Devlin:
She called, asked me to come over. I don't know why. When she didn't answer, I let myself in

Laura Diamond:
Ex-husbands really need to learn to give back the keys when they leave!

Dr. Andrew Devlin:
Her worst vice was... Pilates

Laura Diamond:
What? What is it?

Dr. Andrew Devlin:
Emma's Pilates instructor trained her at the house. He had a key

Laura Diamond:
You had a key, her Swami had a key, now this guy? Why even have a lock?

Jake Broderick:
'Cause he did it! Emma Baker just called him out from beyond the grave!

Laura Diamond:
Ghosts can't testify in court, alibi witnesses can!

Dr. Andrew Devlin:
[In a busy hallway] Hey pretty! Glad you called. I haven't stopped thinking about you since dinner. Of course I haven't digested it yet, either

Laura Diamond:
Not here! Come with me [turns and walks into a room]

Dr. Andrew Devlin:
Okay, I like where this is heading [enters interrogation room] or maybe not

Dr. Andrew Devlin:
She lied, I didn't! I was in the office and I wasn't alone

Laura Diamond:
Okay, wait. You have an alibi witness and you bribed someone else to lie for you? That doesn't make any sense!

Dr. Andrew Devlin:
I was getting a massage, that... ended happily

Laura Diamond:
Ah, rub and tug! Classy

Dr. Andrew Devlin:
Don't make me feel worse than I already do

Kelly:
[Meredith and Frankie come walking in] Sorry, I don't do women or couples

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Oh, no, we're not together. I mean, obviously we are together, standing here, the two of us together, but we're not here...

Meredith Bose:
What she means is we're cops!

Kate:
You are my hero!

Laura Diamond:
Well, tell my kids that. This morning they said that I was the worst mother in the world, because we run out of milk... and bread... and toilet paper

Billy Soto:
[Laura is opening bottles of wine] Crafty mom thing getting into you, partner?

Laura Diamond:
[sighs] I'm making a snow man ring toss out of empty bottles. I need two more. Drink!

Laura Diamond:
[entering a diner] I am not here for a pie. For once!

Laura Diamond:
The boys need a shadow at taekewondo

Max Carnegie:
I volunteer as tribute

Laura Diamond:
The last time you watched the boys, the guinea pig's hear was dyed blue

Max Carnegie:
More a teal. Thank you for noticing

Billy Soto:
Walk us through last night.

Mrs. Foster:
He was right here in this office. I was in bed watching The Biggest Loser...

Laura Diamond:
ALALALALA [puts her fingers in hear ears] No spoilers! I haven't watched yet.

Laura Diamond:
[sits down on Dr. Karl's chair] Oh, wow! The hydraulics on this thing are amazing! I bet this chair is more expensive than my car!

Laura Diamond:
[showing picture] Do you know this guy?

Bookmaker:
I am sorry lady, I only take bets

Laura Diamond:
I'll bet that I have a badge. Have you seen him around here?

Line Guy:
Place your bet and move your butt

Laura Diamond:
I'm placing a bet, rude! Have you seen him?

Bookmaker:
Yeah, I've seen that guy. He's a big bettor, not a good bettor, but a big one. What horse you want?

Laura Diamond:
Oh, uhm, One...

Bookmaker:
Okay one dollar on Parker's Priest

Line Guy:
Put me down for five on Harder Baby Harder

Laura Diamond:
I'll give you harder! My butt and I are still betting! Okay, what about this woman in the photo, Becky, does she work here?

[Gets money from her purse]

Laura Diamond:
Here, just put it all on, eh, Harder Baby Harder

Bookmaker:
Okay, we got 64 cents and a ninja on Harder Baby Harder

Billy Soto:
This is the VIP room, I'd hate to see the SOL room

Laura Diamond:
A lot of men and their...

Billy Soto:
Nieces?

Laura Diamond:
Oh, is that what they are calling them these days?

Laura Diamond:
[to bartender Wes] Hi, we're looking for this man on this photo

Trish:
And I am looking for another Amaretto Sour

Wes Davis:
Sorry Trish, you're cut off

Trish:
Who do I have to sleep with to get one more lousy drink? [Looks at Billy] Please, tell me it's you!

Meredith Bose:
Our favorite medical examiner called. We have a cause of death on the doctor: air

Laura Diamond:
As in: he stopped breathing?

Laura Diamond:
As in: embolism. Someone injected an air bubble into one of his coronary arteries

Laura Diamond:
Fertility patients have to take shots every day. They certainly have access to needles. Not to mention air

Meredith Bose:
So someone woke up on the homicidal side of the bed and took it out on the doctor?

Billy Soto:
Makes sense. The jockey mentioned a patient who tried to attack Foster with pepper spray

Meredith Bose:
[at Laura] Really?

Laura Diamond:
[sighs] I've told you a hundred times: I was testing the canister. You shouldn't sneak up on people!

Laura Diamond:
Oh, hey, buddy! Hi. Jalape?o, double pepperoni?

Pizza Delivery Guy:
Yup, for Jake...

Laura Diamond:
Broderick, yeah, thanks

Billy Soto:
Nice interception!

Laura Diamond:
Yeah. Not the first time I got him cheating. He may have ruined our marriage but there's no way I let him screw with my health insurance!

Nanny Alicia:
The boys are on lock-down upstairs. I told them to build a toilet out of Lego's

Laura Diamond:
Did you tell them not to use it? [Alice thinks] You better go! [Alice rushes upstairs]

Laura Diamond:
When my husband and I found out we were pregnant with a little girl, we were overjoyed. Decorated her entire room with little stars. But life doesn't always turn out the way you planned and one by one we had to take each of those little stars down. Two years later we got pregnant again, this time twins. And now I have two loud, rowdy, exhausting, wonderful boys. And I can't imagine my life any other way

Laura Diamond:
[Max found something on the internet] Thank you internet

Max Carnegie:
The internet does not search itself!

Meredith Bose:
[after Laura just raised the stakes in a in a drinking game bet with the team] Diamond! This is a terrible idea

Laura Diamond:
Ssssst, relax! Max has been watering down in our drinks all night! [Laura and Meredith laugh]

Max Carnegie:
Sorry? I've been... what?

Laura Diamond:
Please tell me that I haven't actually downed eight shots of tequila? Why do you think I have been winking at you all night

Max Carnegie:
I thought it was 'cause you liked me

Laura Diamond:
Trash! Why did it have to be trash?

Reynaldo West:
Diamond, you know, you're looking about as rough as our guy here

Billy Soto:
Karma! Can't believe you won that bet!

Laura Diamond:
No amount of alcohol was gonna stop me from making Jake my errand boy

Reynaldo West:
You go girl!

Laura Diamond:
Yes, it's going to be a glorious month!

Billy Soto:
Week! We weren't that drunk!

Laura Diamond:
Just checking

Meredith Bose:
[drops huge pile of files on Billy] Less giggling, more filing! God, I love team-bonding night!

Laura Diamond:
Peter died of carbon dioxide poisoning. Dry ice is frozen carbon dioxide

Billy Soto:
Oh, look who paid attention in chemistry!

Laura Diamond:
Oh, serious crush on my teacher, Mr. Brewer. That man knew his way around a Bunsen burner, if you know what I mean

Billy Soto:
No, I don't!

Billy Soto:
Max was able to triangulate Tony's exact position using GSM cell localization

Laura Diamond:
For those of us who don't speak techno babble?

Billy Soto:
He's over there!

Laura Diamond:
Nice boots!

Meredith Bose:
Right? I sent Billy to the Bloomingdale's shoe sale for me! God, I love this bet!

Tony Abbott:
So, do you meet all your dates on high speed chases in Greenwich Village?

Laura Diamond:
Every one! There was this one time that I hit it off with this really cute bank robber, in a hostage standoff, but I had to shoot him, so it didn't go anywhere

Laura Diamond:
What do you got?

Max Carnegie:
Well, I know that beige is not my color. Totally washes me out!

Laura Diamond:
About the case!

Meredith Bose:
Good, because you are coming to my place!

Billy Soto:
Really? And why would I be doing that?

Meredith Bose:
We're going to paint my kitchen and watch season 4 of Downton Abbey

Billy Soto:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. See, Laura told me she called off the bet

Meredith Bose:
Not for you she didn't!

Billy Soto:
Come on Meredith, let's be reasonable here

Meredith Bose:
Let's go, Lady Mary awaits!

Billy Soto:
Okay, anything but that!

Meredith Bose:
Come on!

Laura Diamond:
Just keep talking

Tony Abbott:
Uh

Laura Diamond:
I'm desperate for any conversation that doesn't include the words "homocide" or "pokemon"!

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
We're not all the same. With Gamma Nus stood for sisterhood, service and integrity

Laura Diamond:
Yeah, well, the sororities I knew, stood for diet pills, keg-stands and STDs

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Yeah, I... didn't get into those!

Alicia:
[On the phone] Personally, I suggest you get a Sicilian. Wax that is, not pizza!

Laura Diamond:
What's a Sicilian? I've heard of a Brazilian, but anyway, I heard that, uh, all natural's on a come back

Alicia:
Men beard is back, lady beard not so much

Laura Diamond:
Okay, text me the name of your person

Alicia:
And don't forget to do you kegels

Laura Diamond:
Hanging up now!

Meredith Bose:
Sorry, Caroline was downtown, her internship at Palster

Laura Diamond:
Whatster?

Meredith Bose:
Palster. Biggest tech startup in New York. They're gonna do to Facebook what Facebook did to MySpace

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Maybe the sorority isn't the only place Caroline kept an enemy

Laura Diamond:
Great. You're coming with me. I need you to translate nerd to English

Laura Diamond:
Tell Billy to meet me at Nerd Fest

Meredith Bose:
Tech Fest

Laura Diamond:
Tomato, Tomahto

Laura Diamond:
[Tries to sit on her desk] Au! Ah, this is a disaster

Max Carnegie:
Did the boys put fire ants in your skivvies again?

Laura Diamond:
No. This morning, before work, I went to Sicily. Never to return!

Max Carnegie:
Must be a bad reaction to the wax. Give it a day, if it still hurts, I like to apply a combination of corns starch and shea butter , that just... [Everyone gazes at him] I said too much!

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
She loves you

Brittany Furlan:
Oh, that's adorable. I thought only young people follow Vine

Meredith Bose:
I'm... young

Brittany Furlan:
Oh

Laura Diamond:
Welcome to my world

Laura Diamond:
For a genious, you're a real idiot!

Meredith Bose:
I won't be thirty-two forever. Someday, I'll be... YOUR age.

Laura Diamond:
You're very optimistic.

Reynaldo West:
There's also a significant amount of glitter on the chest and arms

Laura Diamond:
Pretty much the only people who wear glitter are 8-year olds and strippers

Billy Soto:
She's older than 8, so you do the math

Alejandro Padilla:
I hear she's recently divorced from El Capitan?

Max Carnegie:
Si, ay, muy recently

Alejandro Padilla:
You think she's ready to get back out then?

Max Carnegie:
I'll ask the questions! If you don't mind, okay? I need to make sure that if we proceed you're gonna treat her right. I heard about you DEA cowboys!

Alejandro Padilla:
Tell you what? I... I think Laura is lucky with a friend like you

Max Carnegie:
Yeah, yeah she is

Alejandro Padilla:
I can't make any promises, other than that I'll treat her with the respect she deserves. Did I ass the Max-test?

Max Carnegie:
She's in the field, I'd swing by tomorrow. And FYI she's partial to orchids, sugar, all things from Madonna and most things Billy Joel, pre River of Dreams

Alejandro Padilla:
Thanks

Billy Soto:
What you're looking at?

Laura Diamond:
The imprint on Jane Doe's cheek. Might not be a half moon, might be half leaf

Billy Soto:
How could you possibly spot that?

Laura Diamond:
I kickass on kindergarten homework. It's all about shape recognition

Billy Soto:
Don't lose her

Laura Diamond:
Just follow the waft of hairspray

Meredith Bose:
Julie Campell of Alaska, actually Julie Peters of New Jersey. Born and raised in Trenton

Laura Diamond:
Yeah, I should have known, no one is from Alaska

Hotel Manager:
As I told you before, I have no idea who comes and who goes. I'm simply the manager. I manage

Billy Soto:
You're managing to piss me off!

Laura Diamond:
I dated a plumber who said that if you want to know what's going on in your building, you listen to the pipes, they conduct sound

Billy Soto:
You dated a plumper?

Laura Diamond:
Gus, rough hands, gentle touch

Billy Soto:
Alright, TMI!

Max Carnegie:
Book club? Someone call the nerd police

Laura Diamond:
It's wasn't really a book club. It's more like a "let's get wasted"- club. We just called book club so the other cadets wouldn't wanna come

Max Carnegie:
Uhm, someone call the awesome police!

Laura Diamond:
Oh God, what's that smell? Sure as hell it isn't pizza!

Meredith Bose:
Clams, New Haven style pizza. I had it when I was at Yale

Laura Diamond:
You went to Yale?

Meredith Bose:
Visiting my cousin Raha once, during spring break

Laura Diamond:
Oh, that must have been wild. Don't name-drop a school you visited once!

Meredith Bose:
[undercover with Billy] Baby, I cannot believe you bought me this ring! How many carats is this?

Billy Soto:
I don't know! About 50

Meredith Bose:
[whispering] Dude, the Hope diamond is only 45!

Billy Soto:
I don't know all that stuff. Anyway, don't ask guys girl questions!

Billy Soto:
Nice kicks, mama! That velcro?

Laura Diamond:
The boys and I have gone lace free. Gains me a good extra 90 seconds of sleep per night

Billy Soto:
Okay, score!

Laura Diamond:
Tell me about it! And the padding on these bad boys?

Billy Soto:
Uh, huh?

Laura Diamond:
It's like walking on loafs of Wonder Bread!

Billy Soto:
Mmm, mmm! Remind me to get a pair!

Laura Diamond:
Miss Marquez? A few questions

Natalie Marquez:
What are you? The fashion police?

Laura Diamond:
No, we're the police-police!

Laura Diamond:
[reading the text on her phone] Oh, damn it! My left-over salmon surprise gave my babysitter food poisoning! I got to go. I got to bring Nick to taekwondo and Harry to soccer.

Billy Soto:
And why don't they do the same thing?

Laura Diamond:
Because that would make life easy!

Jake Broderick:
Where were you this morning at 5 AM?

Alison Torres:
Home

Billy Soto:
Can anyone corroborate that?

Alison Torres:
Eh, just my Hitachi Magic Wand! FYI, it's a life changer

Laura Diamond:
Good call. Billy and I are in

Jake Broderick:
You wanna go to a fashion industry charity fundraiser?

Laura Diamond:
No, I wanna go to a room filled with hundreds of potential suspects

Gabriella Luca:
Hmm, thank you. I don't think I ever eaten out of a $12,000 Tom Burk hand bag

Laura Diamond:
$12,000? For $12,000 it better pick up the kids, wash the dishes and then let me finish first!

Meredith Bose:
Steal that sweatershirt from lost and found?

Laura Diamond:
Nope, got it from your locker! By the way, you're down to your last panty liner

Max Carnegie:
The old school lefty turned into a bloodthirsty murderer? I would have said inconceivable!

Jake Broderick:
This is a big one! This is the Jameson scandal!

Laura Diamond:
Does anyone consider a politician cheating on his wife a scandal anymore?

Billy Soto:
[Sexy hostess in leather walks in] Whoa! Okay! [coughs]

Hostess:
You need a menu?

Laura Diamond:
You need pants?

Billy Soto:
This ain't your momma's BDSM-club!

Laura Diamond:
I have no idea what these initials stand for, but I am pretty sure you're right about my mommy!

Jake Broderick:
How was rehab?

Laura Diamond:
No noise, firm mattress, best three hours of my life!

Meredith Bose:
That's his avatar! An avatar...

Laura Diamond:
Got it, blue people. I slept through the movie

Billy Soto:
Hold on a second! I'll have you know Avatar is the best film of the last 20 years

Laura Diamond:
Which is about how long it takes to watch it!

Laura Diamond:
Looks like he called my mother-in-law instead of his attorney

Jake Broderick:
Nice! Leave her out of it!

Laura Diamond:
Donut?

Billy Soto:
Looks stale

Laura Diamond:
That's why they were half off

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
[Enters canteen, taps Max on the back] Got a sec?

Max Carnegie:
Really? On my break?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Oh, sorry. When are you back?

Max Carnegie:
[Slurping] Back. May I help you?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Yes I made a birthday list of everyone in the precinct...

Max Carnegie:
You really didn't need to do that

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
I know, it's just something I always did in Wisconsin

Max Carnegie:
I mean, because I do that! It's my thing!

Billy Soto:
Seasick already? You do realize the ship isn't moving?

Laura Diamond:
I've got a finely tuned stomach sensitivity

Billy Soto:
Hey, I'll just slide out of your barf radius

Laura Diamond:
Okay, this is the plan. I'm gonna say I need a bathroom because I'm about to blow chunks

Billy Soto:
You are about to blow chunks

Laura Diamond:
Making it a good plan. You distract her long enough for me to find Hampson cabin

Billy Soto:
How I am supposed to do that?

Laura Diamond:
She's a woman, you're Billy Soto. Do I have to spell it out?

Laura Diamond:
The boys just did a "Save the Sea Life"-project at their uber eco-conscious school. Maybe someday they'll even learn how to spell.

Jake Broderick:
He told me to reign in my female detective

Laura Diamond:
Aaw, he referred to me by my gender. Oh, that is just the sweetest!

Meredith Bose:
Where can we find Wilbur?

Sailor #3:
He's making a supply run in Chinatown

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
What kind of supply run would a sailor be making in Chinatown?

Sailor #3:
It's kind of dirty, ma'am

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
I'm a homicide detective, try me

Sailor #3:
Okay, so there's this Chinese supplement: tiger penis powder

Meredith Bose:
What kind of powder?

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
I think he said tiger penis

Sailor #3:
It's like herbal viagra, I hear one hit, you go on for hours

Meredith Bose:
We don't want you to go for hours!

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Go where?

Meredith Bose:
Keep taking notes!

Billy Soto:
So, is Tony whipping up a big foodie dinner to celebrate your...

Laura Diamond:
Day, that we're not talking about? Yup. Just hoping that my, eh, stomach is off the boat by then

Billy Soto:
It better be! It's not every day that you turn...

Laura Diamond:
Hey! Don't even!

Laura Diamond:
Dr. Chinatown's herbs made me more seasick than that stupid boat

Special Agent Barrington:
It's an aircraft carrier

Laura Diamond:
Still stupid

Laura Diamond:
[Reading through clues in emails] Now I like this chick

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
I assume she is going somewhere with this?

Meredith Bose:
Triangulating. She calls it her Laura-GPS

Laura Diamond:
How many are we talking about?

Nancy Santamaria:
Seven

Laura Diamond:
Excuse me? Seven boyfriends? What're you? Snow White?

Dr. Carlin:
Half the time we talked about her obsession with TV. The Voice, especially. She would talk to me for hours and hours about who was safe and who'd been voted off...

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
I was so happy Graig won. When he opened his heart and he sang that Johnny Cash song, I just cried listening. It was so... [sees Meredith frowning] please continue

Dr. Carlin:
Well, Nancy's cable always seem to go out right before the show started and she'd panic. She had to watch it at a neighbor's. I suggested to her that she DVR it, but she said no, she had to see it live

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
[mumbling] Only way to watch The Voice

Meredith Bose:
Nice outfit, Soto! Liked it better when you wore it yesterday

Billy Soto:
Uh? I did? Hm

Laura Diamond:
Smells like you did

Meredith Bose:
Eh, those look like they might be the notebooks

Laura Diamond:
Eh [Picks them up and starts reading] Wow!

Billy Soto:
Anything incriminating?

Laura Diamond:
No. Nancy's shrink has great handwriting for a doctor!

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Just so you know, I totally invited your boyfriend Tony, eh, but he had to work

Laura Diamond:
It's alright, Frankie. He gave me his birthday present last night

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Oooh, neat. What did he give you?

Laura Diamond:
Ehm, what he's been giving me for about a month now

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Hhh, oh! Those, eh, little brown pastery thingies? Hmm

Laura Diamond:
Enjoy the party, Frankie!

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
You're okay?

Laura Diamond:
Not so much. It's like I'm still on that ship

Francesca 'Frankie' Pulaski:
Ooh. Tender tummy, huh? Must have been a wreck when you were pregnant [goes into the bathroom]

Laura Diamond:
No!

Meredith Bose:
Crime scene techs pulled a fingerprint off of a steak knife is Mark Harris' apartment. Could be the murder weapon assuming he was diced before he was pureed

Max Carnegie:
Someone's been watching too much food networks!

Laura Diamond:
I'm gonna bust him and then gonna kill him, then tap dance on his grave!

Billy Soto:
Tell me how you really feel!