The Naked Gun

Frank Drebin:
I'm Lt. Frank Drebin, Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!

Frank Drebin:
My name is Sgt. Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant Police Squad.

Frank Drebin:
It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano. Sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

Ludwig:
Drebin!

Jane:
Frank!

Frank:
You're both right.

[after Frank is relieved of duty, Ed looks at the newspapers in dismay]

Ed:
It's disgusting the way they splash this stuff all over the newspapers! What is journalism coming to? You're laying on top of the queen with her legs wrapped around you. And they call that news. They can't kick you off the force, Frank! It's just not fair!

Frank:
I know, Ed. Life isn't always fair. Just think. The next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.

[he looks through his files and finds a piece of evidence]

Frank:
Hey! Look at that. The missing evidence in the Kelner case. My God! He was innocent!

Ed:
He went to the chair 2 years ago, Frank.

[Frank defeatedly discards the evidence and all his files into the file cabinet]

Frank:
Well, what's the use?

[after Ludwig has been hit with a tranquilizer dart, and falls off the building, Frank and Ed watch as he gets run over by a bus and steam roller, and trampled by a passing marching band]

Ed:
[sobs] Oh, Frank! It's horrible. That's so horrible!

Frank:
[comforts his boss] I know, Ed.

Ed:
My father went the same way.

Mayor:
Drebin, I don't want any more trouble like you had last year on the southside. Understand? That's my policy.

Frank:
Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's my policy.

Mayor:
That was a Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar, you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones!

Frank:
Ludwig?!

Goon:
Drebin!

Frank:
Yeah, I'm Drebin!

Goon:
I have a message for ya from Vincent Ludwig!

[he fires his gun]

Goon:
Take that, you lousy cop!

Frank:
I'm sorry! I can't hear ya! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!

[Frank seems to look up Jane's skirt as she climbs a ladder to the attic right in front of him]

Frank:
Nice beaver.

Jane:
Thank you. I just had it stuffed. [hands him a stuffed beaver]

Frank:
Let me help you with that.

Jane:
Frank, this is Quentin Hapsburg of the Hexagon Oil Company.

Hapsburg:
Pleased to meet you, Mr....

Frank:
[shakes hands w/Hapsburg] Drebin. Frank Drebin. I believe I've used some of your restrooms.

Hapsburg:
I'm sure you have.

Frank:
Are you, in some way, connected with the institute?

Hapsburg:
Well, not officially, but as a matter of fact, Jane and I have been seeing quite a lot of each other lately. [to Jane] How's my little hell cat?

Frank:
Well, that's great. I've been dating too. Nice girl. An author. She wrote the book on male sexual dysfunction. You've probably read it.

Hapsburg:
I beg your pardon?

Jane:
Frank, please.

Frank:
Oh, it's all right. I'm sure we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr. Poopy Pants?

Hapsburg:
[furiously] That does it!

[Rocco, with his activated bomb in hand, is sent flying out of the academy awards towards Pahpshmir's helicopter]

Rocco:
I'm comin', Ma!

[he suddenly crashes into the lavatory of the helicopter, much to Pahpshmir's surprise]

Pahpshmir:
Rocco?!

Rocco:
Pahpshmir?!

[the bomb detonates, destroying Rocco, Pahpshmir, and the helicopter]

Mayor:
[looks through a list of Frank's actions in Ludwig's office the previous night] Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo? What the hell were you doing there in the first place?

Frank:
[presents his speech] I want a world where Frank Junior and all the Frank Juniors can sit under a shade tree, breathe the air, swim in the ocean, and go into a 7-Eleven without an interpreter. I want a world where I can eat a sea otter without getting sick! I want a world where the democrats will put somebody up there worth voting for! I may not get there with you, but most of all, I want a world where I can wake up each morning with this woman, whom I love!

Ed:
We got a little surprise for ya. It's in honor of your 30 years on the force. Nordberg?

[Nordberg unveils a frame with Frank's name, uniform, and equipment mounted on it; all at Police Squad applaud Frank]

Frank:
Oh, boy. This is really great. Thank you, guys!

Nordberg:
We thought it might cheer you up. We heard about you and Jane.

Frank:
Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her.

Ed:
Frank, I feel really bad about all this. If there's anything that you need...

Nordberg:
Like Dr. Kevorkian's home phone number?

Ed:
[hands Nordberg a puzzle] Nordberg, put it together.

Muriel:
How's my little boy? Gettin' along okay, sweetie?

Rocco:
'Bout as well as a heterosexual can in prison. I don't know how much longer I can take it in here. Ma, how's Tanya?

Muriel:
Tanya's the same. Milky, creamy skin, pouting red lips, firm buttocks, ample breasts, ears you just love to stick your tongue into.

Rocco:
Ma, please! I'm gonna get guy cramps if you keep this up!

Muriel:
Sorry.