The Newsroom

[repeated line]

George Findlay:
That's not the point.

George Findlay:
[George's car has been sideswiped by a worker from the French Consulate who refuses to pay for the damages] Of course he was drunk! The French always drive drunk! Look at Princess Di's driver! Bombed out of his mind! Do you know what the sobriety test is in France? Is the driver's liver functioning?

Alex:
I just don't think it's such a good idea, you know, your first night back, that you mention the 16 year-old prostitute.

Jim Walcott:
Oh, come on, I was big on CNN for that story...

Alex:
Well, you're lucky that a deal was struck and that there were enough lawyers contradicting one another that there wasn't a clear cut picture of what really happened, or else you wouldn't have a job here.

Jim Walcott:
Tell me about it. I watched CNN wall to wall on this one. Who knows who was telling the truth.

Alex:
Well, you knew the truth. You were the guy.

Jim Walcott:
You know this was like O.J. No one knew who did what.

Alex:
It was your story. It was about you. You were the O.J. You didn't need CNN. You knew the truth.

Jim Walcott:
Oh, I see what you mean. I didn't need CNN to tell me...

Alex:
That you were the guy with the hooker.

Jim Walcott:
Yeah! I was the O.J.!

Alex:
You were the O.J.

Jim Walcott:
[Jim Walcott is co-hosting an American morning talk show. He's winding down a cooking segment, and has just tasted a recipe for Louisiana baked ribs. He obssessively brings up the troops fighting the war in Iraq throughout the course of the talk show] Mmmm! Louisiana ribs. Fantastic! I sure our fighting me in the Middle East would give their right arm for ribs like these. Gives me an idea. We should give this recipe to our guys overseas, slaughter a goat, add some of this marinade, cook it up, and maybe the terrorists will smell it, and realize what they're missing in trying to destroy the greatest country on the face of this planet.

Jim Walcott:
That's God with a "G". The God I call, "The Good-guy God"!

Jim Walcott's agent:
This is about the U.S. market, James. They love you. Do you know how many Canadians have been picked up by American news shows?

Jim Walcott:
Oh, jeez. Jennings.

Jim Walcott's agent:
Peter Jennings.

Jim Walcott:
Keith Morrison.

Jim Walcott's agent:
Every American news show has been standing around Jim Walcott. They are like dogs with money, and you are the only fire hydrant in town. They love you because you project intelligence. Know what I'm saying?

Jim Walcott:
Yeah. Up here the dogs just piss on you. In the states they piss on you, but they pay to piss on you.

Jim Walcott's agent:
Exactly, and people will pay big money to piss on Jim Walcott, because they can smell the integrity. I got them to lift up their legs, they're just waiting for us to say "yes". What do you say?

Jim Walcott:
I say let the dogs piss away.

Jim Walcott:
[Jim Walcott is in his hotel room, soliciting phone sex] I've never really done this phone thing before and, I just saw your add and I was curious. It's more just research on my part. But... could you say that again... the part where you are stranded... and you're a complete stranger, but you knock on my door... and you have to use my shower... and you take off all your clothes... and then you catch me... [interrupted by the person on the other line] What... credit card expired... I gave you that... 02/05.

Pat Stewart:
[George Findlay is eating all alone at a popular restaurant. Pat Stewart, from a competing television station, sees him and has started a conversation with him, when he sees Don Shaw, a TV executive, enter the restaurant] Is that Don Shaw over there? There's a lot of talk that he's starting up another all-news Channel. You think it stands a chance?

George Findlay:
Are you kidding? Never. Toilet. [Pat Stewart leaves. Don Shaw stops by George's table a moment later]

Don Shaw:
George, right?

George Findlay:
Don Shaw! How are you doing? Listen, this news channel I heard you're starting up... I just think it's going to be a slam dunk... It's going to be brilliant.

Restaurant Hostess:
Are you still waiting for your party sir?

George Findlay:
Oh no, he's dead.

Restaurant Hostess:
Oh No! What happened? I'm sorry!

George Findlay:
He was killed in a car crash on his way over here. I think I'd better have the check.

Restaurant Hostess:
No, not today. Not after whay you've been through. Your lunch is on us, sir.

George Findlay:
Oh Really? Thank you. [Hostess starts to leave] Oh, excuse me... I come here a lot, you know that lobster appetizer you have here? It costs $25-30? I have never tried that and would love to try that. Do you think I could get that now?

Restaurant Hostess:
[Befuddled] Ok... I'll tell the waiter.

Jim Walcott:
98 I.Q.? I'm a goddam idiot!

George Findlay:
[Jim is pitching a story idea about doing a segment on pets] . We'll talk about that when you come back from assignment.

Jim Walcott:
Assignment? Where?

George Findlay:
The brass has decided to send you to Kabul.

Jim Walcott:
Oh... the Caribbean.

Karen:
I just want to say that the new anchor is fantastically, stunningly... dumb.

Jim Walcott's high school guidance counselor:
[the news is running a hatchett job news item on Jim Walcott, who has been taken hostage in Afghanistan. They interview his high school guidance counselor] High School was a challenge for Jim. He was a friendly kid with a big smile, but you wondered if there was anything behind those white teeth. Jim had these perfectly white teeth, and a great voice. I counseled him to stay away from the more intellectually challenging fields, and go into something where he could use his voice or his teeth, or best scenario, both.

George Findlay:
Matt, have a seat. Can I ask you a question?

Matt:
Shoot.

George Findlay:
This Order of Canada thing that I'm involved in...

Matt:
Yeah, you were on the short list until Jim was kidnapped, and Jim becomes a national overnight hero, and they bump you off the short list and put him on it in your place. Then you run the bio slash hatchet job...

George Findlay:
It was the truth.

Matt:
Every word of it true... and the selection committee bumps Jim. And then the kidnap tapes come rolling in, and our numbers go through the roof, Jim's bio is forgotten the minute Jim shows up on the news every night hooded or blind folded with a knife held to his throat. Thanks to you and your brilliant packaging, you've resurrected Jim as a national hero. They bump you off the short list and put him back on. So now you're faced with the dilemma, right? The bigger the numbers, the greater the chance that Jim will again bump you from the short list. In the back of your mind, you have this little voice telling you that the best case scenario is that they kill him. They don't give out The Order posthumously, he's killed, you can milk that for a good month, get huge numbers, and at the same time lock those numbers in as a base with Kelly Harrow as your go-to news girl.

George Findlay:
How did you figure that...

Matt:
[shrug of the shoulders] It's how you think. It's kind of obvious.

Matt:
You mean 'Lolita' as in 'Lolita'?

George Findlay:
I'm saying... the tongue touches the back of the teeth three times... Lo-Li-ta.

Jim Walcott:
As you know, I am converting to Judaism. Fascinating religion, with the prayer shawl and that little chutzpah you wear on the back of your head.

Jeremy:
Yamulke... it's called a Yamulke.

Jim Walcott:
Really? Then the shawl is a chutzpah.

Jeremy:
Chutzpah is "gall", Jim. Example of chutzpah. A kid goes into his parents' bedroom, torches the place. The kid is tried for murder. He throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan. That's "chutzpah".

Jim Walcott:
Fascinating language.

George Findlay:
[George and his staff of writers are trying to come up with an idea for sit-com based on the newsroom. Everyone has brought in lawyers to protect their interests, including his yes-man, Matt] I thought this was going to be worked out in good faith. What happened to good faith?

Matt's lawyer:
I'm simply protecting Matt's interests in a project that has the potential to gross $30 million.

George's lawyer:
A Canadian series about a newsroom... not likely.