The Night They Raided Minsky's

Jacob Schpitendavel:
Louis Minsky, thou art father to the Minsky what has the theater?

Louis Minsky:
Yes.

Jacob Schpitendavel:
If I were thee, I would thrash thy son to within an inch of his life.

Louis Minsky:
You are not me, and you may still do it.

Jacob Schpitendavel:
I do not know, Louis Minsky, if we pray to the same God.

Louis Minsky:
We must. Only a God who could tolerate me, could possibly tolerate you.

Jacob Schpitendavel:
Louis Minsky, if you do not now go at once to prevent thy son from bringing my daughter to such ignominy, I shall, as Agnon [?] did, raise the finger of righteousness [raises index finger] to call down the wrath of heaven.

Vance Fowler:
My father, an Episcopal vestryman, used this [raises pinkie finger] as the finger of righteousness.

Louis Minsky:
Bah! And again, Bah! There is no finger of righteousness. This [raises pinkie and turns it in his ear] is the finger of cleanliness. This [raises ring finger] is the finger of marital bliss [points to wedding band]. This [raises index] is the finger of vengeance. This [levels middle finger toward Fowler, palm downward] is the finger of meddling in other people's lives [pokes Fowler in chest with middle finger]. And this [sticks out thumb] is the finger of transportation. It will get us a taxi to the theater. You speak with the fist of authority, gentlemen, but you do not know your fingers.

Jacob Schpitendavel:
Whore! To stand thus so prideful, with thy, thy protuberances. How thou dost shame me.

Rachel Schpitendavel:
About the protuberances, papa. I think the Lord might feel different from you, since He's the one who gave me them.

Raymond Paine:
Ha, ha, ha, ha, you've met a girl. Ah, Chick, my boy, when it comes to girls you have three qualities that are far worse than being short and funny-looking. You have the curse of the three D's: you are decent, devoted and dependable. Good qualities in a dog, disastrous in a man. Women like bastards.

Chick Williams:
No wonder they *love* you.

Raymond Paine:
Yes, I'm a BFC - Bastard First Class.

Jacob Schpitendavel:
I need your help, Louis Minsky. My daughter will not be welcome in my home if she stays the night to dance upon your son's stage. There is a train in 51 minutes. You must tell your son to see she is on it.

Louis Minsky:
You see this chair? Tell it to dance. See if it listens. That's how much my Billy listens to me.

Rachel Schpitendavel:
I'm some handy for dancing.

Raymond Paine:
I'll bet. Hey, ummm, what kind of dancing are you handy for?

Rachel Schpitendavel:
I dance stories from the Bible.

Raymond Paine:
From the Bible?

Professor Spats:
It's a book civilians read on Sundays.

Rachel Schpitendavel:
[about Raymond's apartment] My, how warm and how small it is.

Raymond Paine:
[laughing] Yeah, so small, I have to go out into the hall to change my mind.

Jacob Schpitendavel:
[raising his index finger] Louis Minsky, if you do not now go at once to prevent thy son from bringing my daughter to such ignominy, I shall, as Agnon did, raise the finger of righteousness to call down the wrath of the heavens.

Vance Fowler:
[raising his pinky finger] My father, an Episcopal vestryman, used this as the finger of righteousness.

Louis Minsky:
[to Fowler, then to Schpitendavel] Bah! And again, Bah! There is no finger of righteousness.

Louis Minsky:
[raising his pinky finger and turning it in his ear] This is the finger of cleanliness.

Louis Minsky:
[pointing to his ring finger] This is the finger of marital bliss.

Louis Minsky:
[raising his index finger] This is the finger of vengeance.

Louis Minsky:
[leveling his middle finger, poking Fowler in the chest] This is the finger of meddling in other people's lives.

Louis Minsky:
[sticking up his thumb, then forming his hand into a fist] And this is the finger of transportation. It will get us a taxi to the theater. You speak with the fist of authority, gentlemen, but you do not know your fingers.

Chick Williams:
[Raymond and Chick enter the Deli] Raymond, this is stupid. May I have your attention please.

Raymond Paine:
Louder.

Chick Williams:
May I have your attention please. Announcing the presence, in your midst, of America's number one straight man, top personality in Burlesque, the inimitable... Raymond Paine.

Raymond Paine:
[prompting Chick] Applause, applause.

Raymond Paine:
[Chick applauds, alone] Ah, thank you, friends. Thank you, and may I say, your sincerity is exceeded only by your vulgarity. Hi ya, Billy. Hello, Mr Minsky.

Billy Minsky:
[Raymond and Chick sit down at Billy and Louis Minsky's table] Look, I pay you to be funny, not nauseating. That was nauseating.

Chick Williams:
I'm sorry, Billy, I just lost a bet.

Chick Williams:
[Haggling with junk dealer Fliegelmann over a prop snake they need for the show] He's got one snake left. Six bucks.

Raymond Paine:
[preoccupied with Rachel] Great, let's take it. He can send it to the theater.

Chick Williams:
[bargaining light-heartedly] I think six is too much. You're too high, Fliegelmann, I will not pay it.

Raymond Paine:
You tell him, Chick.

Mr. Flegelman:
I get six for them all the time.

Chick Williams:
It's not worth more than four. Down the street, I saw it for three.

Mr. Flegelman:
Well, so, go buy it down the street.

Chick Williams:
I would, but they're all out.

Mr. Flegelman:
If I was all out, you could have it for two. Heh, heh. Here, I'll tell you what I'll do. Five.

Chick Williams:
Four.

Mr. Flegelman:
Look at the workmanship. Ten days it takes to make such a snake.

Chick Williams:
Ten days! It only took six days to make the world!

Mr. Flegelman:
But look at the way this is made. Is that seam perfect?

Chick Williams:
The seam's perfect.

Mr. Flegelman:
And look at the world!

Rachel Schpitendavel:
[Raymond is moving fast to seduce Rachel before he has to go on stage again] One thing I wish only. But then it is asking too much.

Raymond Paine:
What?

Rachel Schpitendavel:
I dreamed that the first time, there would be a sign to tell me it is right.

Raymond Paine:
A sign?

Rachel Schpitendavel:
From Him. A sign. The Lord moves in wondrous ways.

Raymond Paine:
Yeah, well, uh, why do you want to talk about things like that? We're not here to pray. [Rachel stiffens, and pulls away]

Raymond Paine:
Hey, look, I've heard of everything, but a man and a woman with normal desires hanging around waiting for a sign...

Rachel Schpitendavel:
Did I say to wait? Did I?

Raymond Paine:
No. But you've got that stained-glass look in your eye.

Scratch:
[the classic "Crazy House" Burlesque sketch is presented on stage] What kind of a joint is this?

Minsky Girl playing Insane Asylum Nurse:
Why, this is an asylum.

Scratch:
Oh no.

Minsky Girl playing Insane Asylum Nurse:
Don't be silly, sir. Crazy people can't hurt you.

Scratch:
No, but they can make you hurt yourself!