The Ninth Configuration

Colonel Kane:
You're convinced that God is dead because there's evil in the world.

Captain Cutshaw:
Correct.

Colonel Kane:
Then why don't you think He's alive because of the goodness in the world?

The Inmates:
Hail, Caesar!

[Captain Cutshaw stomps in wearing scuba flippers]

Captain Cutshaw:
Take me to the beach.

Colonel Kane:
It's night, and it's raining.

Captain Cutshaw:
I see you're determined to start an argument.

Colonel Kane:
[Reading the back of a St. Christopher medal aloud] "I am a Buddhist. In case of emergency, call a lama."

Col. Vincent Kane:
In order for life to have appeared spontaneously on earth, there first had to be hundreds of millions of protein molecules of the ninth configuration. But given the size of the planet Earth, do you know how long it would have taken for just one of these protein molecules to appear entirely by chance? Roughly ten to the two hundred and forty-third power billions of years. And I find that far, far more fantastic than simply believing in God.

Colonel Kane:
Maybe we're just fish out of water.

Col. Richard Fell:
What was that?

Colonel Kane:
I just think about sickness, cancer in children, earthquakes, war, painful death. Death, just death. If these things are just part of our natural environment why do we think of them as evil? Why do they horrify us so?... unless we were meant for someplace else.

[Captain Cutshaw stands up, interrupting church services]

Captain Cutshaw:
Infinite goodness is creating a being you know, in advance, is going to complain.

Captain Cutshaw:
I think the end of the world just came for that bag of Fritos I had in my pants pocket.

Captain Cutshaw:
The man in the moon tried to f*** my sister!

Captain Cutshaw:
I know my rights, I demand to see my urologist.

Captain Cutshaw:
If God existed, he's a fake. Or, more likely, a foot. A giant, all-powerful, all-knowing *foot!*

Captain Cutshaw:
Can you prove there's a foot?

Colonel Kane:
There are some arguments from reason.

Captain Cutshaw:
Are those the things we use to justify dropping atomic bombs on Japan?

Captain Cutshaw:
You're so dumb you're adorable.

Lt. Frankie Reno:
Why are you teaching the dogs Shakespeare?

Colonel Kane:
Someone's got to do it.

Captain Cutshaw:
I tried, sir. See the stars? So cold, so far, and so very lonely. Oh, so lonely. All that space... just... empty space. And so far from home. I've circled round and round this house, orbit after orbit. Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like never to stop, and circle alone up there forever. And what if I got there - got to the moon - and couldn't get back? Sure, everyone dies, but I'm afraid to die ALONE, so far from home. And if there's no God, then that's really, REALLY alone.

Captain Cutshaw:
I don't belong to the God Is Alive And Hiding In Argentina club, but I believe in the devil, all right. You know why? Because the prick keeps doing commercials!

Col. Richard Fell:
[looking at a skull on his desk] Don't blame me, I told them not to operate.