The Norman Conquests

Sarah:
[Speaking about Tom] Well, it's a bit late to consider his feelings, isn't it, having tried to steal Annie fom under his nose.

Norman:
I was not stealing her. I was borrowing her for a weekend.

Sarah:
You make her sound like one of your library books.

Sarah:
You're very pensive, Norman.

Norman:
[Depressed] I was just wondering which was the cleanest and quickest way to finish myself off.

Reg:
Well, don't get married. That's long and messy.

Reg:
I prefer being told what to do. Really I often think if no one told me what to do, I'd never do anything at all.

Annie:
Do you want a call in the morning?

Ruth:
[Ascerbically] If you sleep with Norman, you wake at dawn.

Sarah:
Goodbye, Norman. Have a good journey. See you at Christmas, I hope.

Norman:
Oh, like the mistletoe I shall be there.

Norman:
[about Ruth] How do you know what I say to her face behind your back?

Ruth:
[about Tom] He's a parasite like one of the ticks on his wretched animals.

Norman:
[to himself] This boy can do no wrong tonight! He has the Midas touch. Every woman turns to gold.

Sarah:
You really don't understand me at all, do you? You don't like me, and you've never tried to! understand me.

Norman:
I understand you.

Sarah:
But you don't like me... do you?

Norman:
I don't dislike you. You make me irritable. You're like mild athlete's foot.

Sarah:
The point is that I seem to be the only one in this family capable of making any sort of decision at all. I mean, whether or not I like it, I seem to be the head of this family at the moment. By rights it ought to be Reg. But if you've lived with Reg, you know he can't even pay a gas bill.

Ruth:
Sarah, dear, I've been married to Norman for five years. I've learned though bitter experience that the last thing to do with Norman is take him serious;y. That's exact;y what he wants.

Annie:
Oh, nun's knickers!

Sarah:
[Speaking about Tom] It must be fascinating being a vet. It's a pity, in a way, he's not a proper doctor.

Annie:
[Defensively] He is a proper doctor. He just prefers animals to people.

Norman:
What's inside you, Reg, apart from twelve bowls of corn flakes?... What do you feel with Sarah? Don't you ever feel like saying to her, "No! This is me - the real me - look at me?"

Reg:
[Answering after slowly clearing his throat] I'll tell you something, Norman. You're a nice bloke. You've got your faults, but you're a nice bloke. But I think you're the last person I ever want to have breakfast with again.

Ruth:
[after long, rambling dialogue by Norman] Norman, just sit quietly and enjoy your lettuce.

Norman:
I was making small talk.

Ruth:
Yes, well, it's not quite small enough, dear.

Norman:
I can't get it any smaller, or I'll swallow it.