The Onion News Network

Brooke Alvarez:
You know, ever since I was a young girl, I've dreamed of reporting on the end of the world, and honestly, it's exhilarating

Brooke Alvarez:
Oh, just think, while there have been several Tucker Hopes before you, you're going to be the last. Not to shabby?

Tucker Hope:
[depressed] There's no where I'd rather be than right here in the studio in my final moments alive.

Brooke Alvarez:
I admire your professionalism.

Brooke Alvarez:
My only regret is that I didn't retain the rights to the song "Life is a Highway," which I wrote, but was stolen from me by a jealous ex-boyfriend.

Brooke Alvarez:
We're celebrating our fifth anniversary this week, and we couldn't have done it without all of you at home on your couches, sitting in silence, absorbing everything I say, navigating your lives around the information I feed you. I'd say thank you, but, really, you're the ones who should be thanking me.

Brooke Alvarez:
Well, as long as our entire system of government is now null and void, I may as well take this opportunity to suggest myself as a possible future leader to rally around. Allow me to state my case: with my vast breadth of knowledge and undeniable charisma, I believe I'd make a skilled and effective commander on the Post-American state. Say goodbye to the cowardice and indecision of the past, with Brooke Alvarez in charge, hunger, fear, and weakness would be but a distant memory.

Brooke Alvarez:
Our top story tonight: Congress has just passed a bill naming incomprehensible shouting the official language of the United States.

Brooke Alvarez:
You know, Tucker was just chosen to co-host the Teen Choice Awards with Jaden Smith.

Tucker Hope:
Yep, that should be a lot of fun. I'm honored to have been chosen.

Brooke Alvarez:
Why, exactly, were you chosen Tucker? You didn't go to high school; I mean, you were home schooled, right?

Tucker Hope:
Well, it must've been all my work...

Brooke Alvarez:
Okay Tuck.

Jim Haggarty:
Now you are such a brave young man Michael; and if what became of a certain other child had witnessed such a crime as you did is any indication: the violent killing of your parents is going to have a profound effect on you for the rest of your life.

Michael McNamee:
I miss them a lot.

Jim Haggarty:
Of course you do, you must feel the need to avenge their deaths and take back your decaying city, right?

Michael McNamee:
Um, I'm just really scared all the time.

Jim Haggarty:
But you know what Michael, you can turn that fear into a weapon against evil. And by taking a terrifying animal as your emblem - like a bat for example - you can make the wicked know what it truly feels like to be afraid.

Michael McNamee:
I don't want to.

Jim Haggarty:
Well sometimes the only way to defeat evil is to become more than a man.

Michael McNamee:
Um, I wanna go back to my grandma's house now.

Jim Haggarty:
Right, she's your Alfred

Andrea Bennett:
Barack has told police that he was kidnapped just hours after his inauguration in January 2009 and an impostor took his place as president. Already people are saying this explains Obama's rapid shift from inspiring figure on the campaign to, well, the President Obama we've seen muggling his way through every national issue the past two years.

Tucker Hope:
First, up Conair Electronics recalls a popular model of wand massager after company leaders were mortified to learn that people were using the device for things other than its intended purpose.