The Original Kings of Comedy

[to a fan]

Steve Harvey:
I know I shouldn't say this as a black man, but you can't spell motherf***ing "technology".

Steve Harvey:
When you go to church that much when you're a kid, you don't really care for church that much. So what you got to do is find little things to like about church, that make you want to go. And the one thing I liked about my church might seem a little strange to you. But the one thing that made me want to go all the time was when I found out that there was people that cussed at the church. That might not do it for y'all, but dammit, that done it for me.

D.L. Hughley:
You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm fired? I'll be right back, you sons of b*tches." You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherf***er? You knew I was fired yesterday. Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas." Black folk kill you about that gas, 'cause we don't fill up all the way, don't we? Just enough gas for the trip we going on. "Gimme two dollars on Pump 1, please. I ain't goin' that goddamn far, sh*t." You ever been so broke, you get the money out of the ashtray? Don't act like it's just me. F*** y'all. You go up there, "Gimme 52 cents on Pump 1, please." "What are you driving, a lawn mower?" "Stay outta my goddamn business and put the gas in the f***ing car!"

Cedric the Entertainer:
Never in history did you hear about 17 or 18 of us gettin' killed nowhere altoghether. 'Cuz we run. We run when somebody else runs. We don't ask no questions why we runnin', we just get our ass up and start damn running.

Bernie Mac:
I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word 'mother-f***er?'" Let me break it down, what the word "mother-f***er" actually means. "Mother-f***er" is a word that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-f***er." Because "mother-f***er" is a noun: It describes a person, place or thing.

Bernie Mac:
If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh outta f***in' luck!

D.L. Hughley:
Nobody love God like black folks. Black folks love us some God. Jesus was black. If Jesus was black, the apostles were black, 'cause wouldn't no 12 white men follow no brother. Not unless they was the police and Jesus had a warrant, huh? They ain't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he was black. Jesus first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now, if that ain't black folk sh*t, I don't know what is. "Lord, we done run outta wine!" "Now normally, I don't do this, but, uh... go on head, keep the party goin."

Bernie Mac:
When you're listening to one of our conversations you might here the word MOTHER F***ER about 32 times. Don't be afraid of the word MOTHER F***ER... Imma break it down to ya... If you're out there this afternoon and you see like 3 or 4 brothers talkin', you might hear a conversation and it goes like this: You seen that MOTHER F***IN' Bobby? That MOTHER F***ER owes me 35 MOTHER F***EN dollars! He told me he gone pay my MOTHER F***EN money last MOTHER F***EN week. I aint seen this MOTHER F***ER yet! I'm not gonna chase this MOTHER F***ER for my 35 MOTHER F***EN dollars. I called the MOTHER F***ER four MOTHER F***EN times... but the MOTHER F***ER won't call me back. I called his momma the other MOTHER F***EN day... she gonna play like the MOTHER F***ER wasn't in. I started to cuss her MOTHER F***EN ass out, but I don't want no MOTHER F***EN trouble. But I'll tell ya one MOTHER F***EN thang... the next MOTHER F***EN time I see this MOTHER F***ER... and he ain't got my MOTHER F***EN money... I'm gonna bust - his - MOTHER F***EN head! And I'm OUT this MOTHA F***A!