The Owl and the Pussycat

Felix:
I'm extremely sorry but I don't know the story to "The Sound Of Music".

Doris:
Oh no, that's terrible.

Felix:
You thought "The Sound Of Music" was terrible?

Doris:
Four times I saw that terrible movie.

Felix:
You must have really hated it.

Doris:
I saw it with my friend Eleanor at the Loew's King now torn down. It was playing continuous, no intermission. Get it?

Felix:
I don't think so.

Doris:
Her bladder burst.

Doris:
[to Felix through the door] Swear! Swear that you are just a little fruit all alone in the hall.

Doris:
[Felix and Doris are stoned in the bathtub; sound of door closing] Was that a door?

Felix:
That was a door.

Doris:
Did someone come in?

Felix:
Unless one of us went out.

Doris:
[sound of someone calling out] That is a DEFINITE person.

Felix:
Correct.

Felix:
Doris, you're a sexual Disneyland.

Doris:
Who gave you permission to read my panties?

Doris:
[Heard off-screen in the soundtrack to CYCLE SLUTS] What are you doing? What's that for? What are you going to do with that? What's that THING? And what's that other thing? Where ya gonna put that? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. You can't do that. [Screams] No, not with both of 'em. You can't, I tell ya. You can't. Can you? Oh, maybe you can. My God, you could!

Doris:
I may be a prostitute but I am NOT promiscuous!

Felix:
Did you ever try reading a book?

Doris:
A book! Oh yeah, yeah, I used to read Playboy all the time until I got mad at them.

Felix:
Why?

Doris:
Well, you know, I posed for these, eh, terrific, eh, playmate of the month thing, you know.

Felix:
Yeah, what happened?

Doris:
They sent them back.

Doris:
Hey, Felix, do you want to fool around?

Felix:
No, I do NOT want to fool around.

Doris:
Okay. Do you want a drink of water?

Felix:
They would give me money to write THEIR way. I want to write MY way!

Doris:
Well, I guess they figure it's THEIR money.

Felix:
Yes, I think that's the way they figure.

Felix:
I don't write to make money.

Doris:
But, you'd take it if they gave it to ya, wouldn't ya?

Felix:
Yes. But, it would be inconsistent with my aesthetic responsibilities.

Doris:
I understood "with" and "my".

Doris:
This is a double bed.

Felix:
I know.

Doris:
I always feel so selfish sleeping alone in a double bed, when there are people in China sleeping on the ground.

Doris:
What about last night?

Felix:
What ABOUT last night?

Doris:
When we made love. Wasn't that good for you?

Felix:
You've got your terminology confused, Doris. That was not making love.

Doris:
Well, whatever it was it beat the hell out of drying the dishes!

Felix:
What we did was to get a fast thrill.

Doris:
No. One time is a fast thrill. Six times is making love.

Doris:
Hey, how come you and Miss Weyderhaus

[referring to Felix's pianist fiancee]

Doris:
don't mess around?

Felix:
I told you.

Doris:
What? She's very fragile. She's fragile, right?

Felix:
She's worried... she's worried about her hands. She doesn't want to hurt her hands.

Doris:
She could wear boxing gloves.