The Palm Beach Story

John D. Hackensacker III:
Tipping is un-American.

Tom Jeffers:
So this fellow gave you the look?

Gerry Jeffers:
At his age it was more of a blink.

Tom Jeffers:
Seven hundred dollars! And sex didn't even enter into it, I suppose?

Gerry Jeffers:
Sex always has something to do with it, dear.

Gerry Jeffers:
Isn't it wonderful?

Tom Jeffers:
Sensational. But you haven't quite answered my question yet.

Gerry Jeffers:
What question, dear?

Tom Jeffers:
Why this alleged old man gave you - how much is it?

Gerry Jeffers:
Seven hundred dollars.

Tom Jeffers:
Seven hundred dollars. Why?

Gerry Jeffers:
No reason.

Tom Jeffers:
Oh, is that so? He just - seven hundred dollars? Just like that?

Gerry Jeffers:
Just like that.

Tom Jeffers:
I mean, sex didn't even enter into it.

Tom Jeffers:
Oh, but of course it did, darling. I don't think he'd have given it to me if I had hair like excelsior and little short legs like an alligator. Sex always has something to do with it, dear.

Tom Jeffers:
I see.

Gerry Jeffers:
From the time you're about so big and wondering why your girlfriends' fathers are getting so arch all of a sudden. Nothing wrong - just an overture to the opera that's coming.

Gerry Jeffers:
Anyway, men don't get smarter as they get older. They just lose their hair.

Princess Centimillia:
I'd marry Captain McGloo tomorrow, even with that name.

John D. Hackensacker III:
And divorce him the next month.

Princess Centimillia:
Nothing is permanent in this world - except for Roosevelt.

Tom Jeffers:
Don't you ever talk about anything but Topic A?

Princess Centimillia:
Is there anything else?

J. D. Hackensacker III:
Chivalry is not only dead, it's decomposed.

Wienie King:
I'm the Wienie King! Invented the Texas Wienie! Lay off 'em, you'll live longer.

Wienie King:
Cold are the hands of time that creep along relentlessly, destroying slowly but without pity that which yesterday was young. Alone our memories resist this disintegration and grow more lovely with the passing years. Heh! That's hard to say with false teeth!

John D. Hackensacker III:
That's one of the tragedies of this life - that the men who are most in need of a beating up are always enormous.

John D. Hackensacker III:
You know Maude, somebody meeting you for the first time, not knowing you were cracked, might get the wrong impression of you.

Gerry Jeffers:
Don't you know that the greatest men in the world have told lies and let things be misunderstood if it was useful to them? Didn't you ever hear of a campaign promise?

John D. Hackensacker III:
You don't marry someone you just met the day before; at least I don't.

Princess Centimillia:
But that's the only way, dear. If you get to know too much about them you'd never marry them.

Tom Jeffers:
Funny having to sleep with a sitting-room between us.

Gerry Jeffers:
And the doors locked.

Tom Jeffers:
You don't have to worry about that.

Tom Jeffers:
Where'd you get that dress?

Gerry Jeffers:
Why, that's what I've been telling you about!

Tom Jeffers:
What's that on your wrist?

Gerry Jeffers:
It's just what you think it is, dear.

[He looks at the bracelet on her wrist]

Tom Jeffers:
What kind of stones are those?

Gerry Jeffers:
Just what they look like.

Tom Jeffers:
Do you know what it feels like to be strangled by bare hands?

Gerry Jeffers:
You have no idea what a long-legged woman can do without doing anything.

Gerry Jeffers:
I don't begin and end with a smelter, you know.

Princess Centimillia:
Captain, we should have met sooner, and if I'd seen you around, we would have!

Princess Centimillia:
We should have met sooner. If I'd seen you around, we would have!

Princess Centimillia:
Of course, I'm crazy, I'll marry anybody.

Tom Jeffers:
Where'd you meet this Weenie King?

Gerry Jeffers:
You'll die laughing!

Tom Jeffers:
All right, convulse me.

Gerry Jeffers:
You're not being rude, dear, you're just being yourself.

Tom Jeffers:
Why is your breath coming faster?

Gerry Jeffers:
Because you're squeezing me!

Tom Jeffers:
That's my wife, you dumb cluck!

Gerry Jeffers:
You're not a burglar, are you?

John D. Hackensacker III:
Oh no, that was my grandfather. At least that's what they called him.

John D. Hackensacker III:
Staterooms are un-American.

John D. Hackensacker III:
No, I'm not my grandfather, of course. He's dead, anyway.

Gerry Jeffers:
[Gerry has just found out that John is one of the richest men in the world] I would step on your face!

John D. Hackensacker III:
That's quite all right, I rather enjoyed it.

Gerry Jeffers:
Twice!

John D. Hackensacker III:
You made quite an impression.

Gerry Jeffers:
Thank you for your chivalry.

Train Porter:
Anytime from 8 to 12.

Princess Centimillia:
Hello, Snoodles, where'd you get the pretty girl?

Princess Centimillia:
[spoken very fast] Look at that very handsome man. I wonder who he is. I don't think I've seen him around before. I thought I knew all the handsome men in this village.

Tom Jeffers:
[talking about his new name, "McGlew"] I guess I'll have to stick with it.

Princess Centimillia:
You will care for me, though. I grow on people. Like moss.

Gerry Jeffers:
You're married to me; that's like saying, you're *blind* to me. For a long time, I've been a part of you, just something to snuggle up to and keep you warm at night, like a blanket, but you can't *see* me any more than you can see the back of your neck.

Princess Centimillia:
Why don't you go away someplace? There must be somebody else who can use a houseguest, I can't be the only sucker in the world. Why don't you go to Havana? That's a nice place, and I'd treat you to a nice one-way ticket.

Toto:
Havanag? Youg, meg? Havanag?

Princess Centimillia:
No-gh, Toto! You-gh Havana-gh, me-gh here!

Toto:
Nitz.

Princess Centimillia:
I was afraid of that.

Princess Centimillia:
What's knittin', kittens?

Princess Centimillia:
What's buzzin', cousins?

Gerry Jeffers:
He's my husband.

Princess Centimillia:
He's your husband?

Gerry Jeffers:
That's right.

Princess Centimillia:
Well, no wonder! I thought I was losing my grip.

Princess Centimillia:
The who is McGlue?

Gerry Jeffers:
There is no McGlue.

Princess Centimillia:
Well, thank heavens for something. That name!

Princess Centimillia:
Oh, Captain - and thou.

John D. Hackensacker III:
Do you happen to remember how much tip I gave the taxi driver?

Gerry Jeffers:
Well, I didn't see the coin, but from his face, I think it was ten cents.

John D. Hackensacker III:
Tipping is un-American.

John D. Hackensacker III:
[Referring to Gerry's husband, whom Gerry has claimed she is divorcing] There is a name for such reptiles, but I won't sully this sweet ocean breeze by mentioning it. I may not be exactly in the best of shape, but if ever I meet this Mr... "Jeffers," I'll thrash him within an inch of his life.

Gerry Jeffers:
Oh, well then I hope you never meet him.

John D. Hackensacker III:
I suppose he's large?

Gerry Jeffers:
Well, he's not small...

John D. Hackensacker III:
That's one of the tragedies of this life - that the men who are *most* in need of a beating up are ALWAYS enormous.

Gerry Jeffers:
[Seeing Princess Centimilla and her male companion, Toto, for the first time] Is that the Prince?

John D. Hackensacker III:
No. The Prince is all washed up. This is something new.

Gerry Jeffers:
He might be a Duke.

John D. Hackensacker III:
Might be her tailor, too. She goes out with anything.

Princess Centimillia:
[Introducing Toto to her brother and Gerry] This is Toto. Say "How do you do?", Toto.

Toto:
[Exuberantly, with thick foreign accent] Greetings!

Princess Centimillia:
Toto's a refugee - from his creditors, I think.

Princess Centimillia:
[to "Capt. McGlew"/Tom Jeffers] Are you still talking about that airport? You really take it on the chin, don't you?

John D. Hackensacker III:
Why not? If an idea has merit, it has merit. Sentiment and business don't belong in the same bed. After all, grandfather loathed oil, ya' know, it made his eyes water. But that didn't stop him from making millions out of it.

Train Porter:
...she said that he said that he was going to take her down on his boat. I suppose she means yachit, but I don't see how no gentleman can give me a dime from New York to Jacksonville can have a yachit. Maybe a canoe o' a bicycle. Yassir!

Gerry Jeffers:
I might marry again and I might not. Maybe I'll become an adventuress.

Tom Jeffers:
I can just see you on a 26 foot boat.

Gerry Jeffers:
You're thinking of an adventurer, an adventuress never travels on anything less than a 300 foot long yacht with an 80 man crew.

Gerry Jeffers:
Do I look like a suitcase stealer?

Mr. McKeewie:
It's not how you look but how you act that counts in this world.

Gerry Jeffers:
[shopping for clothes, trying another outfit with long white gloves] Do you like this one?

John D. Hackensacker III:
Oh its lovely - but aren't the sleeves a little short?

Sales Clerk:
[heavy French accent] Oh that is for the bracelet Monsieur - that is what we call the bracelet length.

John D. Hackensacker III:
Oh - would you like a bracelet?

Gerry Jeffers:
[Sales clerk nudges her] Wha... what kind of a bracelet do you mean?

John D. Hackensacker III:
Any kind you like.

Gerry Jeffers:
You mean with stones?

Sales Clerk:
Certainly with stones, they are all the rage!

John D. Hackensacker III:
Why not, what kind of stones do you like?

Gerry Jeffers:
Well...

Sales Clerk:
Red - that is all the rage!

John D. Hackensacker III:
You mean like garnets?

Gerry Jeffers:
Don't you think garnets are a little lifeless?

John D. Hackensacker III:
Oh...