The Paul Lynde Halloween Special

Paul Lynde:
Well, here I am again... ABC's answer to Trick-Or-Treat.

Housekeeper:
I'll give you a hint. It's full of witches and spooks and strange creatures of the night.

Paul Lynde:
Oh, sounds like Hollywood Squares.

Paul Lynde:
As you know, there's a real scary holiday coming up. Election Day.

Paul Lynde:
[meeting KISS] Well, just what I always wanted: four kisses on the first date.

Housekeeper:
This is Ace. This is Gene. This is Peter. And this is Paul.

Paul Lynde:
Oh, I love a good religious group. I can take one look at you four and tell you how you got your name and how you got your act. You had a fight, and your mothers told you to... kiss and make up.

Paul Lynde:
[to Gene Simmons] Why don't you push the down button on your elevator shoes?

[first lines]

Paul Lynde:
[singing] # We wish you a Merry Christmas, / We we wish you a Merry Christmas. #

Paul Lynde:
Hi, I'm Paul Lynde. Well, somebody had to be.

Paul Lynde:
It's been a year since my last special. Was it something I said?

Paul Lynde:
I always give a prize for the funniest costume. Last year I said that the prize goes to the first one that rings my bell. It was my Avon Lady. So I gave her a box of Ding Dongs. You know, though, they got no sense of humor. She smeared my windows with soap on a rope.

Paul Lynde:
I was fa-a-a-a-a-t. My, uh, my brothers and sisters used to dress up in nice little Halloween costumes from the five-and-dime. Mom would hand me the shower curtain. And it didn't fit. So she let it out, and I went as the Hindenburg. It was a disaster.

Paul Lynde:
[singing] # Too much Alice Cooper! / Not enough Alice Faye... / What's the matter with kids today? #

Housekeeper:
[about her sister's house] It's well-preserved. You'll have lots of fun.

Paul Lynde:
You're well-preserved, and you're no fun.

Paul Lynde:
[about Rover the vulture] I hope his bark is worse than his peck.

Paul Lynde:
Did you pack everything? It could be a chilly evening.

Housekeeper:
Everything. Your robe, your slippers...

Paul Lynde:
My Dr. Dentons?

Witchiepoo:
Mr. Lynde, I've been dying to meet you.

Paul Lynde:
Looks like you already did.

Paul Lynde:
What about Dorothy and her little dog, Toto, in "The Wizard of Oz"?

The Wicked Witch of the West:
She asked for it. And her little dog, too!

Paul Lynde:
She has a striking resemblance to Betty White. But then so many witches do.

Witchiepoo:
It's a hot dog with all the meat scooped out of it.

Paul Lynde:
Oh, a Hollow Weenie.

Cecily Westinghouse:
Why are you wearing that earring?

Sheik:
Because I'm a very chic Sheik. That's why they call me Florence of Arabia.

Paul Lynde:
Perhaps a glass of my hyena wine will melt your frosty heart.

Paul Lynde:
Open the ruby portals of your lips to the white-hot passion of my desire. I - I - I'm turning myself on. Fool, who needs her when you - when you've got you!

[last lines]

Paul Lynde:
In case I don't see you for awhile, to all you little monsters out there, you have a happy Halloween. Now, excuse me, I'm going back to my group to trip the heavy fantastic.