The Pest

Himmel:
But I don't want to make the kill. I want to be a hair dresser, write musicals.

[after his crotch caught on fire]

Pest:
Fear not. The Pest line shall continue. My childrens have been savededed.

[after he pees his pants from fright]

Pest:
I'm sorry. I couldn't make it to the newspaper.

Pest:
...I hope you get violated by pig monkey men in the woods.

Pest:
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the slickest of them all? It's the schemin'est, keenest scam artist. GOD, IT'S SO HARD TO BE MODEST.

Himmel:
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bore you with the defining trauma of my life.

Pest:
Excuse me, but - ahh. Why do I gotta look like something out of "Jungle Book" and you guys all get the nice Banana Republic stuff?

Pest:
So, you started a few wars. a-ite? Okay, you actually you started every war, but I mean who's counting; it's not like you ever won one, right? [laughs and pulls Leo's pants down]

Leo:
Ve kicked France's ass.

Pest:
Oh please, like who hasn't?

Xantha:
Anything you have to say to me... you can say it in front of Malaria.

Pest:
Anything?

Xantha:
Anything.

Pest:
Alright. Malaria's got mossy teeth, dandruff, and a fat butt!

Xantha:
PEST!

Malaria:
These jeans make me look fat!

Pest:
Ah no, Malaria, your fat butt makes you look fat!

Pest:
So... uh... what was your snake's name?

Himmel:
Cocteau.

Pest:
[nervously] Coc-teau? Like the French playwright?

Himmel:
Nein... After my two favorite body parts.

Pest:
O MY GOD. Quacky. Quacky. What have they dided to you? [Pretends to cry] Which one is he?

Pest:
"The United States of... Germany." Wow, somebody's a sore loser.

[singing]

Pest:
I'm "ridiculiculous." Like a booger I stick to this.

[singing]

Pest:
I'm in the mood to scam, simply because I can.

Pest:
Love, peace and chicken grease.

Pest:
Later, masturbator.

Pest:
Of course I farted. What, you think I smell like this all the time?

Himmel:
You'd have to shoot me first.

[Gustav shoots Himmel]

Chubby:
I can't believe you shot him.

Gustav:
Ah, he's wearing a bulletproof vest.

Himmel:
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Angus:
Do you know what today is?

Pest:
The first day of the rest of our lives?

Angus:
No.

Pest:
Sean Connery's birthday?

Angus:
Sean Connery's birthday?

Bagpipe Player:
SEAN CONNERY'S BIRTHDAY?

[Band plays "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow"]

[Pest and Angus speak over telephone]

Angus:
You'd show more respect if we were the Italian mob.

Pest:
Oh, please. Don't start that again.

Angus:
Just because we're Scottish people don't take us seriously

[Pest burps into mouthpiece]

Leo:
Ah, the tracking device I placed in his underwear seems to be working.

Himmel:
Why does Leo get all the good jobs?

[Pest and Chubbs enter an armory]

Pest:
Be all you can be!

Chubbs:
Yeah, don't ask, don't tell.

Pest:
...What's that supposed to mean?

Chubbs:
Oh, nothin'.

Pest:
Just checkin...

[Leo, Gustav, and Himmer are driving in a VW Beetle]

Gustav:
Couldn't you have picked a better car?

Himmel:
I thought you'd like it. It's German.

Gustav:
Haven't you ever heard of BMW, idiot?

[after tumbling down a steep hill and banging his head against a rock]

Pest:
Aaahhh, now I'm nice and limber!

[after Gustav wasted his tranquilzers on Xantha's family and his son, missing Pest]

Pest:
You can't hit me! You can't hit me! You're a big sucker-butt! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha! I can't believe you're German! Ha ha h...

[Gustav hits him with the gun handle]

[Pest works at a Chinese restaurant, disguised as Chinese]

Mr. Cheung:
[In heavy Chinese accent] How come I don't undastand any of your Chinese?

Pest:
[In just as thick an accent] I from Souff! Is a diffwent diawect!

Mr. Cheung:
Oh really? Well, I'm from Souff too!

Pest:
[pause] Well, I from FAR, FAR, FAR, far Souff!

Himmel:
Don't flatter me.

Pest:
OK, your feet stink, your nose is point and your mother dresses you funny!

Puerto Rican Boy:
If you're blind, how did you know that I was a man?

Pest:
I could hear your gonads shaking.

Mr. Cheung:
You know, you don't even look Chinese. You look like Moe from Three Stooges. I fire your ass!

Angus:
Today is Monday. I want all the money you owe me by Wednesday or I'm going to kill your whole family.

Pest:
How 'bout Thursday and you just take out a cousin?

Pest:
[talking to himself while defecating in the forest] Whether 'tis nobler in the mind... [farts]

Pest:
...to suffer the slings and arrows... [farts again]

Pest:
...of outrageous fortune... [farts again]

Pest:
[Flatulence] One stinky dinky, Ah ha ha! [Flatulence] Two stinky dinky, [Extended Flatulence] Ah ha ha!