The Pink Panther

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Without warning, I will attack you. In this way, I will keep you vigilant and alert.

[attacks Ponton, but Ponton hits Clouseau]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Good one.

Ponton:
Thank you.

[repeated line]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Good one.

Ponton:
You never cease to surprise me, sir.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
With me, surprises are rarely unexpected.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Stop browbeating her! Can't you see she is sexy?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I would like to take a closer look at your bawls.

Larocque:
My what?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Your bawls. Your big, brass bawls.

Larocque:
Uh, sure.

[starts to unzip pants]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[Picks up brass bowl on table and examines it]

Nigel Boswell/Agent 006:
Boswell. Nigel Boswell. 006. You know what that means?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Of course! It means you are one away from the big time.

French journalist:
Inspector, do you know if the killer was a man or woman?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Well of course I know that! What else is there? A kitten?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
What? What did you say?

Ponton:
Nothing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
You mean, you didn't just say: Stop the car, dear God, I beg of you, stop the car?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus:
When I first heard the name Clouseau, he was a little nothing. Just another police officer in a small village far from Paris. He was the village idiot, I think.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus:
I had been nominated for the Medal of Honor. I have been so nominated seven times. I have never won. Still, seven times, that is something.

Ponton:
[after Xania has invited Clouseau to dinner] It could be a trap.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Who cares?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
A Woman is like an artichoke, you must work hard to get to her heart.

Ponton:
He was just found dead in a training facility locker room. Shot in the head.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Was it fatal?

Ponton:
Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
How fatal?

Ponton:
Um, completely.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I want to talk to him now!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Is there anyone with you?

Yuri:
No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Are you carrying a pair of high heels in that bag?

Yuri:
No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Not even a small pair of pumps?

Yuri:
No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Who are you?

Yuri:
I'm Yuri, the trainer.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
And what is it you do, Yuri the trainer?

Yuri:
I train.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
So, you are Yuri the trainer who trains.

Yuri:
[looks down]

[repeated line]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
You are Yuri the trainer who trains.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[asking Ponton about his wife] Tell me about her.

Ponton:
I consider her the most beautiful woman in the world.

[pauses]

Ponton:
What about yourself?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
No, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
The good-cop/bad-cop routine is working perfectly.

Ponton:
You know, usually two different cops do that.

Nicole:
Would you like me to stay behind and help you?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
That is a generous offer, Nicole. But I am quite sensitive to office gender politics. And in today's world, the slightest gesture can be misinterpreted as harrasment. And it is late, and I would prefer not to put you or me into that delicate situation. Agreed?

Nicole:
Yes, I agree.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[gives her a quick kiss on her lips] Well, lets seal it with a kiss. And I'll get back to work.

[slaps her on her butt as she goes out]

[accidentally drops a pill of Viagra into the sink]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
My miracle pill for the middle-aged man!

[footsteps are heard in the background]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Shhhh! Footsteps. It's a young woman... 30 to 35 years old... 5'2" ,5'4", brunette. And she is wearing high heels. Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon. And she has on... Chanel N?5.

[a male in his forties walks in]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Is anyone with you?

Yuri:
No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?

Yuri:
No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Not even a small pair of pumps?

Yuri:
No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
You are Yuri the trainer who trains.

Yuri:
Yeah, that's right.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I am looking for a dead body. Perhaps you can tell me where it is.

Yuri:
Oh, yeah. I heard it was in the locker room. You go down the hall, make a right and two lefts.

[seeing that Clouseau has almost burst into laughter and is trying to control it]

Yuri:
You are finding something amusing here?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I'll be honest with you. I - I find your accent quite funny. Where are you fvam?

Yuri:
From Russia. Gluant recruited me from the Russian military gym.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[mocking him] "do-do-do-ba-ba-lo"

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
You need to work on your accent.

Yuri:
What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
What?

Yuri:
What? What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
What?

Yuri:
What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I don't have time for this. I have to solve a murder.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Someone had words with Gluant... the night before he was killed.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[points his hand to a guard all of a sudden, releasing a vase stuck in his left hand, and Ponton, who was standing next to the guard catches it in time] Didn't you?

Larocque's Guard:
No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
You didn't threaten to brek his legs and then crush him into powder?

Larocque's Guard:
[confused] No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Perhaps I saw that on TV.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Monsieur Larocque.

Larocque:
Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[talking about the vase stuck on his right hand] Is this vase of great value?

Larocque:
It is a worthless imitation.

[slams the vase on the nearby desk in order to break it, but ends up breaking both the vase and the table in the process]

Larocque:
But that desk was... priceless.

Ponton:
Have you ever had a hamburger?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Well, of course not. It's a disgusting American food.

[starts eating the hamburger he was holding and enjoys it]

[trying to teach Clouseau an English accent]

Dialect Instructor:
I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I would like to buy a "damburgen".

Dialect Instructor:
I would like to buy a ham-bur-ger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I would like to buy a "damburgen".

Dialect Instructor:
I would like to buy a hamburger!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I would like to buy a "damburgen"!

Nicole:
Do you live alone, Inspector?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Yes, I do.

Nicole:
Do you ever get lonely?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
No. Not since the Internet.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus:
He's very easy to spot. He's got white hair, a thin mustache... Brimming with confidence, and *completely* lost.

Agent 006:
I'm not supposed to be here, remember?

Ponton:
[chasing masked assassin]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus:
It's Clouseau. Arrest him.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[running after Ponton]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus:
...Which one is he?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[falls off banister]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus:
That would be him.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[walking around the room] It is... lovely weather we are having. I hope the weather continues. [chops curtain, table, etc., usually breaking something] The area is secure.

Bizu:
[referring to Gluant] And now he's pushing up the daisies.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
He is not 'pushing up the daisies,' he is DEAD!

Bizu:
[glares] It's an idiom!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
*You*, sir, are the idiom.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Do not leave Europe!

Yuri:
But we have matches in Asia.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
All right. Do not leave Europe or Asia!

Yuri:
And we also have a match in Brazil.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Do not leave Europe, Asia, or the Americas!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Let's seal it with a kiss.

[repeated line]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Newspapers!

[places newspaper over his face]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Yes, politics. Where greed wears the mask of morality.

Nicole:
That's good. Did you say that?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[looks around] Yes, I did.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[about Bizu - dead] It's amazing how he fell perfectly into the chalk outline on the floor.

Ponton:
I think they drew the outline after he was shot.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Ah! We must be working with some kind of mastermind!

Nicole:
I've been looking for you two all over! Were the hell have you been?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Did you say that booth was soundproof?

Roland Saint-Germain:
Yes.

[walks into the booth and farts, everyone can hear him by the "turned on" microphone]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[after falling through the ceiling, to the desk clerk] We need fresh towels in 204.

Nigel Boswell/Agent 006:
It is very important that you remain calm and do not turn around

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Remain calm, do not turn around

Nigel Boswell/Agent 006:
Behind you in the casino are the Gas Mask Bandits

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[turning around and not remaining calm] Oh my God. Ze Gas Mask Bandits

Female Reporter:
Inspector!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Yes.

Female Reporter:
Yes, what is your initial premise?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
That Gluant did not want to be killed. Everthing else follows like liquid mercury flowing down a - a - a sloping thing.

Female Reporter:
How long do you think it will take to find the killer?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Right now the killer is being surrounded by a web of deduction, forensic science and the latest in technology such as two-way radios and e-mail.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
And you are?

Ponton:
Gilbert Ponton. Detective, second class. I've been assigned to work with you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
And what qualifications do you have for police work?

Ponton:
My family's done police work in Paris for nine generations.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
And before that?

Ponton:
We were policemen in the surrounding areas for 200 years.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
And before that?

Ponton:
Immigrants from various countries in Europe all involving police work.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
And before that?

Ponton:
Farmers.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Hmm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn.

[last lines]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Ooh... that breeze feels good.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
The day before the murder, you were seen hitting the victim and saying... what?

Ponton:
'I am going to kill you, I am going to kill you'

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
You see, I have waited a long time to prove myself, and now I have been given the opportunity of a lifetime. I intend to show the world exactly who I am and what I can do. I must not fail.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus:
Find him. His name is... Clouseau.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Monsieur, you must move your vehicle at once.

Old man in wheelchair:
Oh... I'm so so sorry Officer Clouseau my chair... it won't move.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Hmm... let me see [investigates the wheel chair] your battery charge is not in let me see. Right so the positive goes to negative [puts the positive charge in the negative plug] and the negative to the positive [puts the negative charge into the positive plug] . Okay you are ready to go

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[after the old man reverses backwards into a market stall] Okay next stop.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I've got Bizu in the interrogation room.

Ponton:
What's the plan?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I'm going to give him the "good-cop / bad-cop" routine.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
You are the soccer player known as Bizu?

Bizu:
Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
You were acquainted with Yves Gluant?

Bizu:
I am glad he is pushing up daisies.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
He is not pushing up daisies, he is dead!

Bizu:
It's an idiom.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
You sir, are the idiom!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison, you will answer the next question: Did you kill him?

Bizu:
I would have loved to have killed him, but some lucky bastard beat me to it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
You disgust me. I'll be right back! [leaves room]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[re-enters room] Cigarette?

Bizu:
No. Thanks.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Good for you. Bizu, I knew you didn't do it; someone else did, and they are trying to set you up.

Bizu:
You'll help me?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Of course I'll help you. Now, do you have any idea who else might have done this terrible thing?

Bizu:
His partner in those stupid restaurants, Larocque.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Raymond Larocque, the casino owner.

Bizu:
Gluant would steal money from the restaurants and use it to gamble. My guess is Larocque got fed up and had him killed.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Bizu, I like you. I'm going to help you. You and I are going to make a great team. [leaves room and shuts door]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
The good cop / bad cop routine is working perfectly.

Ponton:
You know, usually two different cops do that.