The Pirates of Penzance

[As the term of his apprenticeship expires, Frederic tries to advise his erstwhile crewmates.]

Frederic:
You make it a point of never attacking a weaker party than yourselves, and when you attack a stronger one you invariably get thrashed!

[The indignant pirates mutter and advance on him.]

The Pirate King:
(holding up a finger) There's some truth in that.

The Pirate King:
Oh, better far to live and die / Under the brave black flag I fly, / Than play a sanctimonious part / With a pirate head and a pirate heart. / Away to the cheating world go you, / Where pirates all are well-to-do; / But I'll be true to the song I sing, / And live and die a Pirate King. / For I am a Pirate King! / And it is, it is a glorious thing / To be a Pirate King!

[Frederic comes upon a group of maidens rolling up their stockings to go wading.]

Frederic:
Stop, ladies, pray!

Maidens:
A man!

...

Frederic:
Oh, is there not one maiden here / Whose homely face and bad compexion / Have caused all hope to disappear / Of ever gaining man's affection? / Of such a one, if such there be, / I swear by Heaven's arch above you, / If you will cast your eyes on me, / However plain you be, I'll love you...

...

Mabel Stanley:
Poor wandering one, though you have surely strayed, / Take heart of grace, thy steps retrace, poor wandering one... / Poor wandering one, if such poor love as mine / Can help you find true peace of mind, / Why, take it, it is thine!

[As Major General Stanley enters, all present sing to the tune of Pirate King's earlier song.]

Samuel:
For he is a Major General!

Daughters:
He is, hurrah for the Major General!

Major General Stanley:
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Major General.

All, in chorus:
Hurrah for the Major General, hurrah for the Major General!

The Pirate King:
(annoyed, muttering) That's the same as the "Pirate King" tune!

...

Major General Stanley:
Now that I have introduced myself, I should like to know what's going on here!

Kate Stanley:
Oh, Papa, we -

Samuel:
I can explain in two words: we propose to marry your daughters.

Gen. Stanley:
But-but... who are you?

The Pirate King:
We are all single gentlemen.

Kate:
Don't believe them, Papa! They're pirates - the famous Pirates of Penzance!

Gen. Stanley:
Mmm, wait a moment... I object to pirates as sons-in-law!

Pirate King:
Well, we object to major generals as fathers-in law! But we waive the point. We do not press it. We look over it.

[As the maidens are about to roll up their stockings to go wading]

Frederic:
Stop, ladies, pray!

Maidens:
A man!

Mabel:
Oh Frederic, can you not in the calm excellence of your wisdom reconcile it with your conscience to say something that will ease my father's sorrow?

Frederic:
...What?

Mabel:
Can't you cheer him up?

Pirate King:
Do you mean that in order to save his own contemptible life... he dared to impress upon our credulous simplicity?!?

Sergeant:
They come in force, with steal-thy stride. Our obvious course is now to... hide!

Frederic:
Oh, HORROR!

The Pirate King:
What's the matter?

Frederic:
Ought I tell you? No, no I cannot! And yet as one of your band -

Pirate King:
Speak out! I-CHARGE-YOU-BY-THAT-SENSE-OF-CONSCIENTIOUSNESS-TO-WHICH-WE-HAVE-NEVER-YET-APPEALED-IN-VAIN!

[All, including the King himself, goggle at this feat of verbal virtuosity.]

Pirate King:
Yeah.

Sergeant:
We observe too great a stress / On the risks which on us press / And of reference a lack / To our chance of coming back! / Still, perhaps it would be wise/Not to carp or criticize / For it's very evident / These attentions are well meant...

The Pirate King:
With base deceit, you played upon our feelings; / Revenge is sweet, and flavors all our dealings. / With courage rare, and resolution manly, / For death prepare, unhappy General Stanley!

[while trying to rally the bobbies and raise their morale]"

Mabel:
Go, ye heroes, go to glory / Though you die in combat gory / Ye shall live in song and story / Go to immortality / Go to death, and go to slaughter... / Die, and every Cornish daughter... / With the tears your grave shall water / Go, ye heroes, go and DIE!