The Princess Bride

Prince Humperdinck:
She truly loves you, and the two of you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think that not one man in a century will suffer as greatly as you.

Westley:
As you wish.

Westley:
[to Buttercup] There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.

Grandson:
A book?

Grandpa:
That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I'm gonna read it to you.

Grandson:
Has it got any sports in it?

Grandpa:
Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...

Grandson:
Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try to stay awake.

Grandpa:
Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.

[Vizzini has tried cutting the rope to kill the Man in Black, who now clings to a rock]

Vizzini:
He didn't fall?! Inconceivable!

Inigo Montoya:
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Inigo Montoya:
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.

The Man in Black:
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.

Inigo Montoya:
Begin.

Fezzik:
I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.

The Man in Black:
I believe you. So what happens now?

Fezzik:
We face each other as God intended - sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.

The Man in Black:
You mean, you'll put down your rock, I'll put down my sword, and, try and kill each other like civilized people?

Fezzik:
[Holds up rock] I could kill you now.

The Man in Black:
I must say, I think you might have a slight advantage at hand fighting.

Fezzik:
It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. [smirks] I don't even exercise.

[The Man in Black charges once - no effect. Charges again and grunts/strains trying to budge Fezzik]

The Man in Black:
Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?

Fezzik:
I just want you to feel that you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. [Swings and misses] You're quick!

The Man in Black:
Good thing too!

Fezzik:
Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that?

Man in Black:
Oh, no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. [Fezzik swings a punch and misses] I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.

[The Man in Black has come upon Vizzini holding Buttercup hostage]

Vizzini:
I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.

Man in Black:
[intrigued] You're that smart?

Vizzini:
Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?

Man in Black:
Yes.

Vizzini:
Morons.

Man in Black:
Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.

Vizzini:
For the princess? [The Man in Black nods] To the death? [He nods] I accept.

Man in Black:
Good. Then pour the wine. [Vizzini pours the wine, and the Man in Black pulls out a small packet] Inhale this, but do not touch.

Vizzini:
[sniffs] I smell nothing.

Man in Black:
What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadlier poisons known to man.

[He puts the goblets behind his back and, presumably, adds the poison to one of them, then sets them down in front of him]

Man in Black:
All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead.

Vizzini:
But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool. You would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in Black:
You've made your decision then?

Vizzini:
Not remotely! Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows! And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Man in Black:
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini:
Wait till I get going! Now, where was I?

Man in Black:
Australia.

Vizzini:
Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in Black:
You're just stalling now.

Vizzini:
You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you! But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!

Man in Black:
You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.

Vizzini:
It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!

Man in Black Then make your choice.

Vizzini:
I will, and I choose- What in the world can that be? [Vizzini points at a rock behind the Man in Black. When he turns to look, Vizzini swaps the goblets]

Man in Black:
What? Where? I don't see anything.

Vizzini:
Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [He is having a hard time containing his laughter]

Man in Black:
What's so funny?

Vizzini:
I--I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours. [They drink from their goblets]

Man in Black:
You guessed wrong.

Vizzini:
You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia," but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line!" [He laughs hysterically, but suddenly freezes mid-laugh and dies; the Man in Black removes Buttercup's blindfold]

Buttercup:
Who are you?

Man in Black:
I am no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know.

Buttercup:
And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.

Man in Black:
They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

Man in Black:
Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work all the time.

Buttercup:
You mock my pain!

Man in Black:
Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something.

[Westley leads Buttercup through the Fire Swamp]

Westley:
This will all soon be but a happy memory, because Roberts' ship Revenge is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts.

Buttercup:
But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?

Westley:
I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. [Another flame spurts out near them] You see, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right, Westley, I've never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.

Buttercup:
What? Go on.

Westley:
Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret: "I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts," he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts, either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except, now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?

Count Rugen:
Your princess is quite a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps. Her appeal is undeniable.

Humperdinck:
I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged - they'll demand we go to war.

Count Rugen:
[snickers, then examines the huge tree] Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find... [he finds it and the tree opens to reveal the passage into the pit] Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Wesley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight.

Humperdinck:
[sincerely] Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped.

Count Rugen:
Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything.

Westley:
I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?

Buttercup:
Well... you were dead.

Westley:
Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.

Buttercup:
I will never doubt again.

Westley:
There will never be a need.

[Inigo and Fezzik are at Miracle Max's door]

Max:
Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad!

Fezzik:
I'm on the Brute Squad.

Max:
[sees Fezzik's size] You are the Brute Squad!

Inigo:
True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.

Miracle Max:
Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT: a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. Except that's not what he said: he distinctly said "To Blave," which we all know means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated! [Valerie storms in]

Valerie:
Liar! Liar!

Miracle Max:
Get back, witch!

Valerie:
I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore!

[Westley, Fezzik and Inigo have confronted Yellin at the castle gate]

Westley:
Give us the gate key.

Yellin:
I have no gate key.

Inigo:
Fezzik, tear his arms off.

Yellin:
[in desperation] Oh, you mean this gate key? [holds up gate key]

Inigo:
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

[Inigo advances on Rugen, but stumbles into the table with sudden pain. Rugen attacks, but is parried by Inigo, who rises to his feet again]

Inigo:
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

[Rugen attacks again, Inigo parries more fiercely, gaining strength]

Inigo:
Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Count Rugen:
Stop saying that!

[Rugen attacks, twice. Inigo avoids and wounds Rugen in both shoulders, the same spots where he wounded Inigo. Inigo attacks]

Inigo:
HELLO! MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA! YOU KILLED MY FATHER! PREPARE TO DIE!

[Inigo corners Count Rugen, knocks his sword aside, and slashes his cheek, giving him a scar identical to Inigo's]

Inigo:
Offer me money.

Count Rugen:
Yes!

Inigo:
Power, too, promise me that.

[He slashes his other cheek]

Count Rugen:
All that I have and more. Please.

Inigo:
Offer me everything I ask for.

Count Rugen:
Anything you want...

[Rugen knocks Inigo's sword aside and lunges, but gets his arm caught by Inigo, who stabs his sword into Rugen's stomach]

Inigo:
[Very quietly] I want my father back, you son of a b*tch.

[He drives his sword through Count Rugen and then shoves him back against the table. Rugen falls to the floor, dead]

Humperdinck:
First things first, to the death.

Westley:
No. To the pain.

Humperdinck:
I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.

Westley:
I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.

Humperdinck:
That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.

Westley:
It won't be the last. "To the pain" means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists. Next, your nose.

Humperdinck:
[losing his patience] And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

Westley:
I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right -

Humperdinck:
[exasperated] And then my ears. I understand! Let's get on with it-

Westley:
WRONG! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why: So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

Humperdinck:
[Cautious] I think you're bluffing.

Westley:
It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all.

[Westley slowly rises and points his sword directly at the prince]

Westley:
Drop. Your. Sword. [Humperdink drops his sword and sits in a chair]

Scaling the Cliffs of Insanity, Battling Rodents of Unusual Size, Facing torture in the Pit of Despair. - True love has never been a snap.

It's as real as the feelings you feel

Heroes. Giants. Villains. Miracle Men. True Love. - Not just your basic, average, everyday, ordinary, run-of-the-mill, ho-hum fairy tale.

She gets kidnapped. He gets killed. But it all ends up okay.

Vizzini:
Go!!! Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect that the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier his suspicions will be totally confirmed.

Fezzik:
You never said anything about killing anyone?!

Vizzini:
[angrily] I hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition!

Fezzik:
I just don't think it's right...killing an innocent girl.

Vizzini:
Am I going mad, or did the word think escape your lips?!! You were not hired for your brains you hippopotamic land mass!!

Inigo:
[interrupting] I agree with Fezzik.

Vizzini:
Oh, the sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her! And remember this, never forget this: [yelling] when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy! [Turning to Fezzik] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland?!

[Vizzini walks away, angered, and sets the ship free]

Inigo:
That Vizzini, he can fuss.

Fezzik:
Fuss, fuss...I think he like to scream at us.

Inigo:
Probably, he means no harm.

Fezzik:
He's really very short on charm.

Inigo:
You have a great gift for rhyme.

Fezzik:
Yes, yes, some of the time.

Vizzini:
Enough of that!

Inigo:
Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?

Fezzik:
If there are, we all be dead.

Vizzini:
No more rhymes now, I mean it!

Fezzik:
Anybody want a peanut?

Vizzini:
GAAAAHHH!

Inigo:
Was a great swordmaker, my father. When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before it was finished. [removes sword and hands it to the Man in Black, who examines it before handing it back]

The Man in Black:
I've never seen its equal.

Inigo:
The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at 1/10th his promised price. My father refused. [sheaths sword] Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father. So naturally, I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. The six-fingered man leave me alive...but he gave me these. [points to scars on cheeks]

The Man in Black:
How old were you?

Inigo:
I was 11 years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So, the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Inigo:
You're using Bonetti's Defense against me, huh?

The Man in Black:
I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain.

Inigo:
Naturally. You must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro!

The Man in Black:
Naturally. But, I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro. Don't you?

Inigo:
Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa...[Does a front flip over The Man in Black and lands behind him] Which I have.

Miracle Max:
Well, I'll ask him.

Inigo:
He's dead, he can't talk.

Miracle Max:
Woo hoo-hoo, looks who knows so much, huh? Well, it just so happens that you're friend here is only "mostly dead." There's a big difference between "mostly dead" and "all dead." Please, open his mouth. [Inigo opens Wesley's mouth, so that Miracle Max can put the bellows in] Now, "mostly dead", is slightly alive. [Starts pumping air through the bellows] Now, "all dead"...well, with "all dead", there's usually only one thing you can do.

Inigo:
What's that?

Miracle Max:
Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

Valerie:
Bye-bye, boys!

Miracle Max:
Have fun stormin' da castle!

Valerie:
[sotto] Think it'll work?

Miracle Max:
[sotto] It would take a miracle.

Valerie/Max:
[waving] Bye-bye!

[Inigo puts Miracle Max's miracle pill into Westley's mouth]

Fezzik:
How long do we have to wait, before we know if the miracle works?

Inigo:
Your guess is as good as mine.

Westley:
[Opens his eyes] I'll beat you each apart! I'll take you both, together!! [Fezzik covers his mouth]

Fezzik:
I guess not very long.

[As Inigo, Westley, and Fezzik prepare to assault Humperdink's castle]

Fezzik:
Inigo.

Inigo:
What?

Fezzik:
I hope we win.

Inigo:
You know, I've been in the revenge business so long, I don't know what to do with myself.

Westley:
Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make an excellent Dread Pirate Roberts.

Westley:
[After knocking out Fezzik] I don't envy you the headache you'll have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well...and dream of large women.

Count Rugen:
[to Westley] I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel? [Westley whimpers] Interesting.

Count Rugen:
[to Inigo] You're that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me all this time, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard of. How marvelous.

Prince Humperdinck:
I always think everything could be a trap...which is why I'm still alive.

Miracle Max:
The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?! WE'RE CLOSED!

Miracle Max:
Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?