The Princess Comes Across

Lady Gertrude Allwyn:
The story is from a novel entitled Lavender and Old Lace, but the name of the cinema has been changed to... um... She Done Him Plenty.

Film Man:
Have you a favorite movie star, Princess?

Princess Olga:
Oh, yah yah.

Film Man:
Would it be a male star?

Princess Olga:
Oh sure.

Film Man:
If the question isn't too personal, the name?

Princess Olga:
Vee tell you. Mickey Moose-y.

Lady Gertrude Allwyn:
What is that?

Princess Olga:
Why it's one of those things, you know, one of those come-to-you go-from-you things.

Lady Gertrude Allwyn:
A concertina. And very vulgar. A definite symbol of the lower classes. Put the thing on the floor and it crawls.

Lady Gertrude Allwyn:
My dear, I am an old woman. I have travelled at home and abroad, and *never, never* have I known any good to come out of a concertina.

Princess Olga:
Scram.

King Mantell:
What did you say?

Princess Olga:
Oh... Scrom. In Sweeden, it means the interview is ended.

Princess Olga:
Poor, dear Uncle Rudy. Somebody was always shooting at him.

Morevitch:
In my country, they shoot at everybody's uncle.

King Mantell:
Your Highness, there's something wrong with your tub.

Princess Olga:
Vat?

King Mantell:
Yes, you see, the water runs in and it runs out, but the trouble is it runs out faster than it runs in. I discovered it this morning when I was trying to take a bath. It can only draw about that much water

[his fingers show an inch]

King Mantell:
and you can't take a bath with that much water

[shows an inch again]

Princess Olga:
Vell, if you're a ploomb-er, why don't you fix it?

King Mantell:
Well, I'm not a ploomb-er, uh, I mean, a plumber, but I think I could fix it. Have you got a screwdriver?

Lady Gertrude Allwyn:
A screwdriver? Her Highness is not in the habit of going around with a screwdriver on her person.

Princess Olga:
[to Mantell] Please go avay.

King Mantell:
Well, I was only trying to help, but may I suggest that when you want to take a bath, you should take a shower.

[walks away]

King Mantell:
Of course, there's always the ocean.

[Exits]

Princess Olga:
[dropping her phony Swedish accent] I'd like to smack that guy right in the kisser.

Princess Olga:
Oh, my poof! [fishing out her sopping wet powder puff]

King Mantell:
Your what?

Princess Olga:
My powder poof! It is vet! [squeezing it out onto his shoes]

Princess Olga:
You enjoyed the cocktails, didn't you?

Lady Gertrude Allwyn:
The first two or three. After the fifth or sixth I was utterly bored.

Benton:
Well boss, do I toss him to the sharks?

King Mantell:
What's the matter? Don't you like sharks?

Cragg:
Where did you spend the evening, Mr. Mantell?

King Mantell:
Right here.

Lorel:
Did you entertain a visitor?

King Mantell:
No, nobody was here.

Lorel:
You were alone?

King Mantell:
Well, practically. I was with Benton.

Benton:
Yeah, we were *both* alone.