The Quick and the Dead

Ellen:
Some people deserve to die.

Ellen:
You stole my life.

The Kid:
Am I fast, or is Sweden just a very small place? Tell me now!

The Kid:
And this, this is the best help a man could get. The Smith and Wesson Schofield .45. Just meat and potatoes. Me and Jesse James think it's the best handgun in the world. Had the trigger guard removed, it saves drawin' time. Don't ever wear it when you're drunk, or you'll kill your feet.

The Kid:
Is it possible? Is it possible to improve on perfection?

The Kid:
The gunfight is in the head, not the hands.

The Kid:
Sh*t, that was fast.

John Herod:
The rules say you have to accept every challenge. You got a problem with that, scuttle your butt out of town.

John Herod:
You must be the fastest gun in the west. That or the biggest liar!

John Herod:
I'm confused. All I hear from you, you spineless cowards, is how poor you are; how you can't afford my taxes, my protection. Yet somehow, you managed to find the money to hire a professional gunfighter to kill me. Where's all this money coming from? What am I to think... If ya got so much to spare, I'm just gonna have to take some more off you. Because clearly you haven't got the message! This is my town! If you live to see the dawn, it's because I allow it! I'm in charge of everything! I decide who lives or who dies! Your gunfighter's dead. Old news.

John Herod:
Like I always say - put a fox in the henhouse and you'll have chicken for dinner every time.

Cort:
There's a click before the strike. Listen to the clock.

Cort:
Sorry, John. Changed the rules. From now on, all the fights are fair.

Dog Kelly:
I am going to kill you, b*tch!

Townsman:
We're gonna have to bury this old man deep. He stinks something awful.

Ratsy:
And that concludes the lesson for today.

Spotted Horse:
[showing off old gunshot wounds] Spotted Horse cannot be killed by a bullet! See! Four bullets in my right arm, three in my left leg, one in my right, and two in the back. Another bullet went through my lip. Another through my left foot. Today a bullet went into my head and it's not even come out yet!

Ellen:
[walking up behind saloonkeeper, who's standing on a stool with his back to the door] How about a room?

Horace:
Whores next door.

Ellen:
Say that again.

Horace:
I said whores next door.

Ellen:
[kicks the stool out from under him]: Now, do you have a room available?

Horace:
Uh, room and bath, yes ma'am. Coming up!

Ace Hanlon:
[shuffling a deck of cards] You wanna play poker with me, little lady?

Ellen:
Looks like you're having a pretty good time playing with yourself.

Ace Hanlon:
This is a very special pack. [shows that it's all aces] See, I put an ace in every time I kill a man.

Blind Boy:
John Herod owns that house. He gets 50 cents of every dollar in this town.

Ellen:
What's the town get?

Blind Boy':
Heh. They gets to live.

Scars:
You're purty.

Ellen:
You're not.

Scars:
I need a woman.

Ellen:
You need a bath.

Cantrell:
Sergeant Cantrell.

Shemp:
How do you spell that?

Cantrell:
Correctly.

The Kid:
I'm worth $3,000 in four states. Seventy-five offenses and no convictions. My name's Fee but, uh ... everyone calls me the Kid.

Ellen:
Congratulations.

The Kid:
I'm so damned fast I can wake up at the crack of dawn, rob two banks, a train and a stage coach, shoot the tail feathers off a duck's ass at 300 feet, and still be back in bed before you wake up next to me.

Ellen:
Sign me up!

Horace:
No women in quick draw! It's against the rules!

John Herod:
No rule against ladies. It's just that women can't shoot for sh*t!

Ellen:
In case you forgot preacher, I saved your life last night.

Cort:
No, I think you just stretched it out a bit. I might've even gone to heaven if you'd let me die.

Ellen:
Sorry.

Ellen:
Don't you even want to fight back?

Cort:
Sure. I'd like to kill them all for what they've done. But I won't. Killing people is wrong.

Ellen:
Some people deserve to die.

The Kid:
: That gun shoots straight. Wouldn't sell it if it didn't.

Cort:
It's okay Kid. I won't draw.

John Herod:
Sure you will. I know you Cort. When it comes down to it, you'll pull the trigger.

John Herod:
Mr. Hanlon, I want to ask you about Indian Wells. Did that fight really take place? You really killed four men?

Ace Hanlon:
Two with my right hand, two with my left. Truth be told, I'm equally good with either.

John Herod:
You must be the fastest gun in the west. That, or the biggest liar.

Ace Hanlon:
A pity you weren't there to find out.

John Herod:
Oh, but I was, Ace. See, I was the one who really killed the Terence brothers. And I doubt a lying little chickenshit like you was even in the same state!

Ellen:
Thought a man like you would have a woman.

John Herod:
I was married to a beautiful woman. She was unfaithful.

Ellen:
Where is she now?

John Herod:
I told you, she was unfaithful.

John Herod:
I could give you more money than you could ever spend.

Ellen:
I wouldn't feel like I'd earned it.

John Herod:
Oh yes, you would.

Cort:
Last night, The Kid. Tonight, Herod. You're a busy woman. Any man in this town you're not interested in?

Ellen:
Yeah. You.

John Herod:
I said, are you still fast?

Cort:
Faster than you.

Ellen:
[after Herod accepts the Kid's challenge] You would fight your own son? I'm gonna kill you if I have to ride all the way to Hell to do it.

John Herod:
Do you have some particular problem with me?

Ellen:
I'll let you know.

John Herod:
You're not fast enough for me!

Ellen:
Today I am.

Think you're quick enough?

The Wild West just got a little wilder.

In this town, you're either one or the other.

You can't ignore her. You can't beat her. You can't resist her. You can't win.

[First gunfight, between Gutzon and The Kid]

Gutzon:
I only wound you, Kid.

Kid:
You're a kind man.

[Clock strikes; both draw; Kid fires first, wounding Gutzon]

Kid:
[to himself] Whew. Damn, am I fast. [to crowd] Did you even see me, I was so damn fast?

[Gutzon raises his gun; Kid whirls and fires, wounding him again; he falls]

Kid:
There, Mr. Swedish Champion. Are you done? Stay down now unless you're still fightin'.

Gutzon:
Yes, I give up.

[He throws his gun aside; it lands in front of Horace]

Horace:
Kid's the winner!

Kid:
Am I fast, or is Sweden just a very small place? Tell me now!

John Herod:
Mr. Hanlon, I wanted to ask you about Indian Wells. Did that fight really take place?

Ace Hanlon:
[combing his mustache] It sure did.

John Herod:
And it's true that you gunned down four men?

Ace Hanlon:
Two with my left hand. Two with my right hand. You see, the truth is that I am just as good with either.

John Herod:
You must be the fastest gun in the west. That, or the biggest liar.

Ace Hanlon:
It's a pity you weren't there to find out.

John Herod:
Oh, but I was, Ace. You see, I was the one that really killed The Terrence Brothers, and I doubt if a lying little chickenshit like you was even in the same state!

[Ace draws with his right hand; Herod draws and blows his thumb off]

John Herod:
How 'bout that left hand, Ace? How 'bout that left-handed draw?

[Ace tries to draw with his left as Herod lifts a match to light his cigarillo, but Herod shoots him through that hand]

John Herod:
[draws both pistols] Mr. Ace Hanlon, the scourge of the sagebrush! [shoots twice, barely missing Ace's feet] The Terror of Tucson! [shoots twice again] A bladderful of hot air! [guns Ace down]