The Riches

Wayne Malloy:
So, Di Di.

Di Di Malloy:
Huh?

Wayne Malloy:
[sighs and gives Cheriene's mother a pancake from the frying pan] Here you go, mom.

Cherien's Mother:
[smiling] You're not Doug.

Wayne Malloy:
And you're not my mom. But we're having fun with pancakes, aren't we?

[first lines]

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] Baby, gotta get up.

Dahlia Malloy:
And you know what else I been thinking, Wayne. We need to get us an Ishka. We need to clear all this sh*t out, do a cleansing. All of us, together. Remember, like that time in Kentucky, we went into the river, with all the snow on the rocks?

Wayne Malloy:
Now?

Dahlia Malloy:
Yeah. I'm sure there's a cold river around here somewhere.

Wayne Malloy:
No.

Dahlia Malloy:
Yeah. Cleansing, baby, cleansing.

Cael Malloy:
Now?

Dahlia Malloy:
Yeah. Oh come on, let's just do it.

Cael Malloy:
School bus is gonna be here any minute.

Di Di Malloy:
Mom, you know I got a math quiz today. I can't just go jump into a river. Sorry.

Sam Malloy:
It's library day, I gotta return my books, otherwise I can't get new ones.

Cherien's Mother:
Banana.

Nina:
Jim and I have been doing a lot of talking since your dinner party, Dahlia. I guess you can say that we've come to an understanding. Neither of us wants to downscale at this stage of our lives. And there's Zeny to think about. So... we're sharing the house. That's about all we're sharing.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich] Wow. Well, I do not know how you're doin' it.

Nina:
[holding up a joint] Weed.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Di Di] You have completely lost touch with what's important.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] So, this is it, huh? The American Dream?

Wayne Malloy:
Di Di?

Di Di Malloy:
Dad, we only did it once. We used protection. I don't know how I feel about it. Okay?

[repeated line]

Cherien's Mother:
I made some calls.

Wayne Malloy:
Well, I had a chat with Di Di. It seems that she and Eric had sex once, and she used... um... you know... birth control. It made me feel better. We had sex when you were fifteen.

Dahlia Malloy:
We were married, Wayne. We were in love.

Di Di Malloy:
[to Cael] You know, I used to look up to you. But I don't even know who you are anymore.

Dale Malloy:
[Grandma Rich peeks through the window at Dale, who is trying to break in.] Boo!

[repeated line]

Cherien's Mother:
There was a man...

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] I don't know how to be myself here, Wayne.

Dahlia Malloy:
I don't know what the rules are.

Wayne Malloy:
Neither do I baby. Neither do I.

Dahlia Malloy:
You still got your job at Panco, baby.

Wayne Malloy:
Don't want it.

[last lines]

Dahlia Malloy:
How'd it go in court, today?

Wayne Malloy:
I won.

Dahlia Malloy:
I'm sorry.

Aubrey McDonald:
Hugh's not back yet.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] What do you mean he's not back yet? Where is he? What's he doing?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich, on the phone] Hugh? Where are you?

Hugh Panetta:
[on the phone] Somewhere in the desert, I'm guessing.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] As of this moment, I am in control here.

[first lines]

Wayne Malloy:
[narrating voice over] I'm Wayne Malloy. My family and I are travelers. Our kind have been living in this country for a hundred and fifty years. We're not listed in the phone book, we don't have social security numbers, we live off the grid. Some people call us gypsies, some call us thieves. Most of them don't even know we exist.

Wayne Malloy:
[to Dahlia] Look what I got? A pink one.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug Rich] So Doug, got a little matter I need ya to handle. A P.R. thing, no big deal, right up your alley.

[scene cuts to angry crowd.]

Martin Chambers:
Panco sucks!

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Mr. Rich] Mr. Chambers, we're not interested in people or pets blowing up. I mean, I mean, we're completely against anyone blowing up, I mean, even a little bit. But you know sometimes-sometimes in your life, sh*t just happens, you know? You know it does. I mean, you're just going along, living your own life, living in your house, just minding your own business, suddenly, kapow! Your whole life explodes. Just like in -uh, Well, but then, what are you gonna do? You gonna give up? You gonna just call it a day? No. No, no, that's not what we do. No, we rally. We-we turn it all around. Because we're Americans. We take those grenades and we turn 'em into lemonade. Because that's what distinguishes us from sand crabs. We keep going. And I ask this of you because I ask nothing less of myself. Thank you. Thank you for your time.

Hugh Panetta:
This was your divorce, right?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Yes. It was a traumatic. So I've just blacked everything out.

Di Di Malloy:
[pretending to be Di Di Rich, about the Buchanan's] But no, I don't think that they ever accepted him, because he wasn't born like them-rich. You know, he had all that money, and he threw all those parties and stuff, but when it really comes down to it, people just want to stick to their own kind.

Teacher:
Hmm. But Gatsby had money. Why wasn't he happy?

Di Di Malloy:
[pretending to be Di Di Rich] Well, all the money in the world couldn't buy what he really wanted-the girl. You know, money isn't everything. I guess... he just never really figured that out.

Brent:
So hot sh*t, can you break into anything else?

Cael Malloy:
[pretending to be Cael Rich] What did you have in mind?

Jim Burns:
Hey, neighbors. You got here before we all take ecstasy and dive naked into the pool.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Seriously?

Jim Burns:
It's happened.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Dahlia, pretending to be Cherein Rich] Been there, done that.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherein Rich] We're Jewish now.

[pauses]

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherein Rich] Jesus!

[last lines]

Dahlia Malloy:
I'm beat. You comin'? [Wayne follows Dahlia to the steps. Dahlia yawns.] Oh, by the way, we're Jewish. [Wayne stares into space.]

Dahlia Malloy:
Kids okay?

Wayne Malloy:
Di Di's screwing around with Guitar and Cael must be out with that neighborhood kid.

Cael Malloy:
[to Tammy] They followed you?

Susan Malloy:
[to Dale about Cael] There he goes Dale. Now we ain't gonna be able to follow him.

[first lines]

Wayne Malloy:
[narrating voice over] I'm Wayne Malloy. My family and I are travelers. Our kind have been living in this country for 150 years. We're not listed in the phone book, we don't have social security numbers, we live off the grip. Some people call us gypsies, others call us thieves. Most of them don't even know we exist.

Wayne Malloy:
Why don't you come practice being her with me?

Dahlia Malloy:
You wanna do it like a bufflewing?

Wayne Malloy:
Oh, you know how buffers do it?

Dahlia Malloy:
How? [Dahlia and Wayne approach each other and become intimate]

Wayne Malloy:
Once a year in a cave, standing up like polar bears!

Wayne Malloy:
We can do this. People do this all the time.

Dahlia Malloy:
They do? They move into dead peoples houses, steal all their stuff, pretending to be them.

Wayne Malloy:
Think of the life we can have, think of the kids.

Dahlia Malloy:
It's not a real one.

Wayne Malloy:
We can make it real.

Officer Shrage:
Mr. Rich? Mr. Douglas Rich?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Is there a problem?

Wayne Malloy:
[loudly] Anybody who does good work, gets to shove something down the sink!

Wayne Malloy:
Baby, if you could get Doug's calendar, hers too. Find out any relatives, friends, things about that, any stuff... [muttering] ...sex lives, whatever.

Earl:
That's real nice, hitting a pregnant woman.

Dale Malloy:
What did you say Earl?

Earl:
Nothing. [walking away while muttering] D*ckhead. [Dale grabs a wrench, which he uses to hit Earl.]

Di Di Malloy:
You just beat up a one-armed woman.

Dahlia Malloy:
Well, how was I supposed to know? [starts to walk away] I ain't never, I ain't never seen anything like that before.

Hugh Panetta:
What happened to your friends?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Well you know, Hugh, places to go, people to sue.

Di Di Malloy:
Honestly, who spends four hundred and fifty dollars on one pair of shoes...?

Sam Malloy:
Try really rich guy.

Di Di Malloy:
...and she buys three or four at a time.

Dahlia Malloy:
I know! And everyone of them butt ugly. No taste.

Wayne Malloy:
Try rich dead guy!

[last lines]

Unknown Caller:
[on the phone] Doug? I know you're there. Say something. Don't hang up on me Doug. Doug? Doug?

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] Dougy was looking for work as a lawyer, and you've got a lunch interview today.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] A good lawyer makes you believe the truth.

Hugh Panetta:
Son...

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] A great lawyer makes you believe the lie.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug Rich] You're a sick mother, Doug. And I like that in a lawyer.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug Rich] Ever done it in house?

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Nina, pretending to be Cherien Rich] You know those little pills you gave me yesterday? I was just wondering if you had like a few more.

Hartley Underwood:
How did you all get through the front gate.

Sam Malloy:
We live here.

Wayne Malloy:
Doug Rich was a securities lawyer, whatever that is.

Cael Malloy:
[to Wayne] Doug is a republican. His best friend is Pete. Pete's a Mortgage broker from Dallas. He's emailed twice about a golf trip.

Hugh Panetta:
See this? [waving his gun at the back of his house] It's modeled on Hermann G?ring's summer place.

Wayne Malloy:
Yeah, I noticed you have the same patio furniture.

Hugh Panetta:
Yeah, you should see the bunker. [chuckles with a glint in his eyes]

Sam Malloy:
So dad, how'd it go?

Wayne Malloy:
Well, the good news is, I got the job.

Dahlia Malloy:
You did? Well, what's the bad news?

Wayne Malloy:
The bad news is, I got the job, and I don't know sh*t about the law.

Di Di Malloy:
Dad, there's so many books on law upstairs. I can help brush up if you need help.

Hugh Panetta:
You crazy bastard.

Wayne Malloy:
Thank you.

Hugh Panetta:
You're a sick mother, Doug.

Wayne Malloy:
Yes. Yes I am.

Hugh Panetta:
[long hard stare] And I like that in a liar.

[first lines]

Hugh Panetta:
Good morning Doug. Know what I'm gonna say? Guess.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] I have no idea.

Hugh Panetta:
Go on, guess.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Well... you're in love with me.

Hugh Panetta:
No.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] I want to be a partner, Hugh. I want to sign partnership papers with a Panco pen. I want to learn the Panco secret handshake. I want to get the keys to some partners only, executive bathroom, where the oragami's ... cut out of ... origami shapes. I want to wipe my ass with a swan, Hugh.

Hugh Panetta:
Not even I get to wipe my ass with a swan, Doug. Okay, man. I'm gonna marinade it over. Weigh the pros and cons. Let you know real soon. In the meantime, you need to invite me to a dinner.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] A dinner?

Hugh Panetta:
Exactly. A dinner. You invite me over. I'll check out your house, your friends, your family. See if you're partnership material.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] Wayne, this is Chunky K. She's my celly from prison.

Wayne Malloy:
Speaking of strangers, where the hell is your mother?

Sam Malloy:
You said she was with her friend.

Wayne Malloy:
She is. She's with her old friend Chunky K.

Di Di Malloy:
I'm sorry, but does anyone else think that the name Chunky K is hilarious?

Cael Malloy:
Better than Fatty K.

Wayne Malloy:
Well, she was Fatty K, then Jenny Craig got involved.

Sam Malloy:
You know, we really shouldn't make fun of Mom's friend.

Wayne Malloy:
We're not making fun of her. That's her name. Ms. Chunky K. If I was to call her Ms. Slightly Heavy K, then that would be making fun of her. But she prefers Chunky, that's how she introduced herself.

Sam Malloy:
Can I ask you a question?

Chunky K:
Hit me.

Sam Malloy:
What were you in prison for?

Wayne Malloy:
That's private, Sam.

Chunky K:
There's nothing private about me. You are like my family. In fact, just call me, Aunt Chunky.

Cael Malloy:
Okay, Aunt Chunky.

Di Di Malloy:
Yeah, that sounds good, Aunt Chunky.

Chunky K:
I committed a murder, Sam.

Wayne Malloy:
[to Dahlia about Chunky K] She is a risk. And a little freaky. And I think she's on drugs. Not to be critical.

Dahlia Malloy:
[about Chunky L] She got a job, baby. She is the weekend supervisor at a sewerage treatment facility. Don't you make fun of her.

Wayne Malloy:
I'm not making fun of her. When I was little, I too wanted to supervise sewerage on the weekend.

Dahlia Malloy:
It was the best job she could get.

Chunky K:
[to Dahlia] I want a job I can make a living out of. Supervising sewerage on the weekend doesn't pay my bills.

Hugh Panetta:
[Sam, pretending to be Sam Rich comes downstairs to a formal dinner in a dress.] Who's this pretty lady? And where's your other son, Doug? Didn't you say you have two?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] This is my son, Hugh. This is Sam.

Nina:
I hear he loves the theatre.

Di Di Malloy:
[pretending to be Di Di Rich] Oh, yes, he does. We're actually just on our way to the school play after we finish eating. Isn't that right, Sam? [Sam nods in agreement]

Hugh Panetta:
Well, sorry, partner, I didn't recognize you as a member of the B-Team.

Sam Malloy:
[pretending to be Sam Rich] What's the B-Team?

Hugh Panetta:
Boys. The boys' team.

Chunky K:
[to Jim] At least I'm not gay.

[last lines]

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] We're turning into buffers, baby. Ain't we?

Hugh Panetta:
You want to be a partner?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] That's what I went to law school for.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Chunky K] Man, this whole maid thing's really weirding me out.

Chunky K:
[to Dahlia] If I don't work for you, I gotta work for somebody.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Chunky K] I want you to think of three adjectives that describe Doug and Cherien. And if I like your adjectives, I'm gonna make Doug here a partner. If I don't, he's out on the street.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich, walking in on Hugh and Chunky K] Jesus Christ, Chunky!

Hugh Panetta:
What's wrong with you? Shut the God damn door!

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] You want to make me a partner, right now, right here?

Hugh Panetta:
Why the hell not?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Maybe later.

Wayne Malloy:
[to Dahlia] I wanted to be a partner. There's my partner lying on the ground. Something about it makes me sick to my stomach.

Chunky K:
You want some?

Dahlia Malloy:
No.

Chunky K:
If you decide you do want some, I'll just leave it right there for you.

Dahlia Malloy:
Go!

Chunky K:
So stop me then.

Wayne Malloy:
Does it matter?

Nina:
If my husband's gay.

Wayne Malloy:
It doesn't matter to me

Nina:
Well, you're not his wife.

Wayne Malloy:
This family is going to stick together no matter what. We're just staying around long enough to get the money, we cash out and then we're gone.

Sam Malloy:
There is a castle in Galway for sale. We can get it for three million dollars.

Wayne Malloy:
That's what I'm talking about!

Cherien's Mother:
[to Wayne] You're not Doug.

Nina Burns:
[to Dahlia] Normal sucks.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] What happened to this thing we were going to do? Remember Baoyou Hills? A hundred and fifty million? Deal of a lifetime?

Hugh Panetta:
Relax. We're doing it. I just have to do something first.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Like what?

Hugh Panetta:
Like get laid!

Eamon Quinn:
So what you do got for me?

Dale Malloy:
I got Wayne Malloy wrapped around my little finger.

Wayne Malloy:
[Cael doesn't want to go] If you don't go, you'll look guilty.

Cael Malloy:
Dad?

Wayne Malloy:
Yeah.

Cael Malloy:
I am guilty.

Dahlia Malloy:
Nina?

Nina Burns:
What?

Dahlia Malloy:
I'm scared all the time.

Nina Burns:
Of what, darling?

Dahlia Malloy:
The feeling that something bad's gonna happen.

Ginny Dannegan:
I think you oughta leave.

Eamon Quinn:
Little Ginny Dannegan.

Young Traveller:
Holy Mother of sh*t. It's Eamon Quinn.

Aubrey McDonald:
[about Dale] So, that's our new mail boy, huh?

Dahlia Malloy:
[Pretending to be Cherien Rich] I guess so.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] It's my fault that Dale could do this to us.

[first lines]

Cael Malloy:
Oh, sh*t! [calls Wayne on his cell phone] Hey! Yeah, I just got an email from umm Pete. You remember him? Yeah, he wants to come visit his friend Doug.

Wayne Malloy:
[answering the door] Hello?

Pete Mincey:
Hi. Is Doug here?

Wayne Malloy:
Doug? Doug who?

Pete Mincey:
[on the phone] You don't understand, we're really great friends. I was best man at his wedding. You know, the second one.

Dahlia Malloy:
[on the phone, pretending to be Jolinda] I hate to be the one to tell you this, Pete. But, Doug Rich was no real friend of yours.

[repeated line]

Cherien's Mother:
[to Pete] I know you.

Nina Burns:
[to Dahlia] I don't want to put you on the spot? What is going on?

Dahlia Malloy:
Do you ever get sick of lying?

Wayne Malloy:
This is not lying. This is creative reasoning.

Dahlia Malloy:
This lying is all we do now.

Dahlia Malloy:
Pete! Pete!

Pete Mincey:
What are you doing here?

Dahlia Malloy:
We were worried.

Dale Malloy:
[staring at himself in the mirror] A suit like this makes me look like an a**hole.

Dale Malloy:
[to Wayne and Dahlia, who are pretending to be Doug and Cherien Rich] Howdy, neighbors?

[last lines]

Pete Mincey:
[to Wayne] So, Wayne, you and I both know you're not Doug Rich. But everyone here seems to think you are. Which leads me to a couple of questions: Who are you? And where the Hell is my best friend, Doug Rich?

Dahlia Malloy:
I can't do it. I can't do it. I want to do it for you. I can't be a buffer.

Wayne Malloy:
You're not a buffer. You're a traveler.

Dahlia Malloy:
Not anymore.

Nina Burns:
[to Dahlia, who is pretending to be Cherien Rich] You aren't in the witness protection program, are you? Because I've been thinking about it, and it just doesn't quite make sense.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich, to Nina] You're my friend, Nina. I would never lie to you about that.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug Rich] I went to town, did some spirit stuff, cleaned myself right up.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] There you met...

Hugh Panetta:
It's Gigi. And she's a dancer.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug Rich] A miracle happened. I fell in love and I married her.

Dale Malloy:
Doug.

Wayne Malloy:
Dale.

Dale Malloy:
We have a lot to talk about, my friend.

Cael Malloy:
[to Wayne] Dad, we have to do something. Dale came here for us. He's not going anywhere.

Wayne Malloy:
Dale seems to have been here for a while now. He could have blown our cover at any point. He didn't. Why is that?

Cael Malloy:
He's Dale. He's working an angle. I don't know.

Wayne Malloy:
Pete?

Pete Mincey:
Guess you're probably surprised to see me here, Wayne.

Di Di Malloy:
[to Wayne] Dad, do we really have to do this?

Sam Malloy:
[about their new social security cards] So how do we use these cards?

Wayne Malloy:
We use them to enroll you kids in school.

Dahlia Malloy:
Would you stop scaring them?

Wayne Malloy:
I'm serious.

Dahlia Malloy:
So am I.

Dahlia Malloy:
[talking about sending the kids to school] Oh, Wayne, it will kill their tiny minds.

Wayne Malloy:
Come on, it'll be real fun, won't it? I mean, when's the last time you were in an educational facility?

Cael Malloy:
Fifty minutes outside Georgia, ripping off that school.

Wayne Malloy:
Yeah, wasn't that great?

Wayne Malloy:
[handing Dahlia a credit card] It's F.E.O.

Dahlia Malloy:
For Energetic Orgasms?

Wayne Malloy:
No. For Emergencies Only.

Wayne Malloy:
Are you a Panco person?

Panco Receptionist:
I am Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Wayne Malloy:
Can I be Tuesdays and Thursdays?

Dahlia Malloy:
Di Di, what's your name?

Di Di Malloy:
My name's Delilah Rich from Tampa.

Dahlia Malloy:
Hobbies?

Di Di Malloy:
Fencing, skiing, racquetball and sex. [Dahlia slaps her on the shoulder] Ow! Chess.

Dahlia Malloy:
Cut the sass!

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] They don't just give it to you, Wayne! This American dream. They don't just give it to you with a big old ribbon and a bow. If we want it, we gotta take it.

Wayne Malloy:
[reading a Shakespeare quote] "We know what we are, but not what we may be". - William Shakespeare.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to the kids] I don't know that means, but y'all take notes.

Dahlia Malloy:
Cael, do y'all wanna go to private school or not?

Cael Malloy, Di Di Malloy:
No.

Dahlia Malloy:
Well, ya are.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne who is pretending to be Doug Rich] Welcome to Panco, Doug. I hope your time here is fruitful.

[first lines]

Wayne Malloy:
[narrating voice over] I'm Wayne Malloy. My family and I are travelers. Our kind have been living in this company for a hundred and fifty years. We're not listed in the phone book, we don't have social security numbers, we live off the grip. Some people call us gypsies, some call us thieves. Most of them don't even know we exist.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne who is pretending to be Doug Rich] Welcome to the pack. Doug Rich, meet your new team. Panco team, meet your new Chief of legal.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne who is pretending to be Doug Rich] Aubrey's a five star paralegal. And she wants to be a lawyer too.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne who is pretending to be Doug Rich, about Aubrey] She's the hardest worker I've got.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Would you like to take a stab at this?

Aubrey McDonald:
I am not a lawyer, Mr. Rich.

Nina:
[to Dahlia who is pretending to be Cherien Rich] The Rosemere Academy. Fifteen hundred a month, eighteen a year.

Jane Fedley:
[to Dahlia who is pretending to be Cherien Rich] The school is currently full.

Dahlia Malloy:
There ain't nobody gon' tell me I don't care about my kids.

Di Di Malloy:
You can't lose it.

Dahlia Malloy:
Yeah, we will.

Sam Malloy:
[pretending to be Sam Rich, about Jane Fedley] We can't leave her. Her bird is missing.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich] Miss Fedley is an adult. I'm sure she can manage.

Sam Malloy:
Give me the bird.

Di Di Malloy:
Get her over here.

Sam Malloy:
[calling Jane Fedley] Over here.

Jane Fedley:
I want to repay you

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich] There's nothing you can do, Jane.

Jane Fedley:
Oh, Cherien...

Dahlia Malloy:
I got the kids into Rosemere.

Di Di Malloy:
[about Tammy] Did you tell her where we are?

Cael Malloy:
Yeah, Dee. I gave her the address, cause I'm that dumb.

Tammy Simms:
So how do I find you?

Cael Malloy:
I'll pick you up. Eight o'clock tonight.

[last lines]

Wayne Malloy:
Your rock. Big hit.

Dahlia Malloy:
No sh*t?

Di Di Malloy:
School? Who wants to learn a bunch of buffer bullshit?

Wayne Malloy:
School is the cornerstone of buffer society.

Stewart Peel:
You have got to be the worst lawyer in the world.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] I am.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich, to Stewart] And you... you're fired.

Stewart Peel:
[about Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug Rich] The new guy doesn't know anything.

[first lines]

Di Di Malloy:
Who's most likely to get married?

Wayne Malloy:
Uh, Billy Burke and Shannon Firmington.

Di Di Malloy:
Farmington! Shannon Farmington.

Wayne Malloy:
And Shannon Farmington. It was a three-some.

Wayne Malloy:
Oh, my God. Shannon Farmington. Remember me...

Shannon Farmington:
Jimmy.

Wayne Malloy:
Where's Billy Burke?

Shannon Farmington:
Billy and I don't talk. Restraining order.

Wayne Malloy:
Shame.

Shannon Farmington:
He was against me.

Wayne Malloy:
Oh.

Wayne Malloy:
[goes up to the microphone] Uh, I just... I just wanted to say something. It hasn't been easy for us wildcats. You know. Some have cried, some have died, some fought the bottle, some the spike, broken promises, ungrateful children, a botched gastric bypass surgery, and a bad dose of a clap.

Wayne Malloy:
Cael, slow down.

Dahlia Malloy:
What y'all think about my hair?

Di Di Malloy:
It's different.

Dahlia Malloy:
Wow, you've grown up girl... beautiful

Cael Malloy:
That's some real bad hair, Ma.

Wayne Malloy:
[to Ginny] Your brother here is a chromosomal retard.

Wayne Malloy:
[to Dale about the money] You gonna put it in the safe or wipe your ass with it?

Dahlia Malloy:
Be nice, boys.

Wayne Malloy:
Something tells me your Daddy never told you the combination.

Dale Malloy:
He told me how to open it Wayne.

Wayne Malloy:
What's the combination Dale? Does it have a two in it? Is it one of those numbers you can count up to?

Dale Malloy:
Outside, outside! Enough with the damn bell daddy! Let's get something straight. I am the new boss, He is the old boss. That man doesn't take a piss without my help! You look at me when I am talking to you.

Wayne Malloy:
What the hell did you promise Jenny Dannegan?

Dale Malloy:
That marriage is good for the whole family. If we can get in bed with the Dannegans, we are in serious kush. It is good for all of us.

Wayne Malloy:
It is not good for me.

Dale Malloy:
I say, she marries him.

Wayne Malloy:
I say you marry him.

Dale Malloy:
I had her Wayne! All up in the ass!

Wayne Malloy:
Who? This Jenny Dannegan?

Dale Malloy:
Your wife!

Wayne Malloy:
Oh? And where did all of this ass-having take place?

Dale Malloy:
In my room.

Wayne Malloy:
Oh, your mama's room? Hey I'll tell ya' where your heading Dale. In your dreams. You lost. I won. Get over it.

Sam Malloy:
So where are we gonna go?

Wayne Malloy:
Life is a river, kid. You gotta go where it takes you.

Wayne Malloy:
[to Dahlia] Look, Dale and I had a disagreement.

Di Di Malloy:
You're sleeping out here, huh?

Cael Malloy:
Yeah. If you people want to wake up with no soul, that's your problem, not mine.

Wayne Malloy:
Dehliah, come and meet our new neighbors.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] Now who buys a house on the internet?

Jim Burns:
Doug, meet Hugh Panetta. The biggest a**hole East of the Mississippi.

Hugh Panetta:
You flatter me, Jim.

Hugh Panetta:
So, what do you do when you're not pissin' on my golf course, Doug?

Wayne Malloy:
I'm a lawyer, Hugh.

Hugh Panetta:
Liar, huh?

Wayne Malloy:
A lawyer.

Hugh Panetta:
Isn't that what I just said? Where'd ya go to lie school?

Wayne Malloy:
George Town. Class of '88. Suma Cum Latter.

Wayne Malloy:
This life we're living, we can't live it anymore.

Dahlia Malloy:
What kind do you want to live Wayne?

Wayne Malloy:
I don't know.

Dahlia Malloy:
You should have thought of that before you took the money, Wayne.

Wayne Malloy:
Maybe.

Dahlia Malloy:
We're going home.

Di Di Malloy:
Home?

Cael Malloy:
She means camp.

Di Di Malloy:
What about Dad?

Dahlia Malloy:
Your Dad's staying here.

Di Di Malloy:
Well fine, then I'm staying here too.

Wayne Malloy:
Don't be stupid, go with your Mother.

Di Di Malloy:
She doesn't give a sh*t about me. I'm staying here. If we run into any more trouble, we'll just find ourselves some more dead buffers.

Wayne Malloy:
Stop it, Di Di.

Dahlia Malloy:
[reaching for her arm] Come on, baby.

Di Di Malloy:
No, I said I'm staying. Don't push me. - I know more than you think.

Wayne Malloy:
The American dream. We're gonna steal her.

[last lines]

Wayne Malloy:
[to Jim] They miss the whisper that runs any day in your mind, "Who are you really, wanderer?"-- and the answer you have to give no matter how dark and cold the world around you is: "Maybe I'm a king".

Di Di Malloy:
[to Trooper Yardley] Travelers? I don't think we know any travelers.

Ginny Dannegan:
We're gonna have ourselves a wedding. Our boy and your girl.

Wayne Malloy:
Our daughter is a precious gem.

Ginny Dannegan:
Dale said it.

Dahlia Malloy:
Since when does Dale make the rules?

Mick O'Malley:
Where are you going?

Wayne Malloy:
Why don't you mind your own business, Mick.

Mick O'Malley:
I want in on it.

Wayne Malloy:
You want in on this?

[repeated line]

Wayne Malloy:
Come on!

Wayne Malloy:
[to Mick] You're in the wrong lane, Mick! Look out!

Howard Douglas Rich:
Sh*t!

Cherien Rich:
Doug!

Wayne Malloy:
[to Doug as he dies] I'm sorry.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] You wanna pretend to be the dead guy? You wanna wear his suits and you want me to be his dead wife?

Ginny Dannegan:
I know everything.

Dale Malloy:
You don't know sh*t.

Ginny Dannegan:
I know Wayne Malloy stole the family bank. I know that you are up to your eyeballs in sh*t if you don't get that money back. I know none of this is helping your position here.

Trooper Yardley:
[to Wayne, Di Di and Cael] You know my buddies in New York? They still don't think you exist.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] You know what happens if they find us? You know what happens to me? I go back to prison.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] Once again I listen to you, and it's all turned to sh*t.

Dahlia Malloy:
I've been in jail for 2 years. All you had to do was deal with being free.

Sam Malloy:
They look friendly.

Dahlia Malloy:
They always look friendly to your face.

Wayne Malloy:
I'm not your average liar, Hugh.

Wayne Malloy:
An unconsidered life is not worth living!

Dahlia Malloy:
I don't need much, but I need you.

[first lines]

TV Announcer:
...The second largest of felines after the tiger.

Ken Dannegan:
You musta been around nine or ten years old. That was the night I fell in love with you.

Di Di Malloy:
Yeah, Ken. Around here we call that pedophilia.

Hugh Panetta:
Bullshit, I think you just wanna blow me.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich] You're right. I wanna blow you. I wanna blow you so bad, Hugh. Drop your pants. Come on now, don't be shy. That way I can take a picture of your little ol' ding dong for my sexual harassment lawsuit! That way I won't ever have to work again!

Lawyer:
What the hell is this?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] That'd be a zero, Anne.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Dahlia, who is pretending to be Cherien Rich] Get your fingernails out of my balls!

Hugh Panetta:
[to Dahlia, who is pretending to be Cherien Rich] You're the craziest b*tch I've ever met.

Hugh Panetta:
Doug don't know you're still popping pills, does he?

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich] You're a real bastard. No wonder you have nightmares.

Wayne Malloy:
Well, I take it you're still a virgin?

Ken Dannegan:
If ya don't count self pleasurin'.

Wayne Malloy:
I wanna ask your professional opinion about something. Can we get a body in here? [pointing to the boot]

Ken Dannegan:
Sure. [Ken climbs into the boot] Look!

Wayne Malloy:
You're right. [Wayne closes the boot, with Ken still in it]

Ken Dannegan:
Hey! Do I just wait in here?

Hugh Panetta:
I didn't create alligators, I'm not God.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] No, but you got eight fish and wildlife citations warning you not to build on an alligator habitat.

Hugh Panetta:
So maybe she should have thought of that before she went outside and started all of that reckless gardening. Some people are morons, Doug. Don't ever underestimate that.

Hugh Panetta:
I don't have any friends. I wonder why that is Doug?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Because you're an a**hole.

Cael Malloy:
[to Wayne] Daddy, Di Di got arrested.

Cael Malloy:
Okay, she took Di's fingerprints. She's gonna have a permanent record.

Wayne Malloy:
Sh*t!

[last lines]

Dale Malloy:
[to Earl] All I ever wanted to do was to make you proud, Daddy. I'll always be your brave little Indian. I love you, Daddy. And I will carry you in my heart 'till the day that I die. Good bye.

Di Di Malloy:
[about Ken] Why does he have to stay with us?

Dahlia Malloy:
'Cause, you know, a fianc? always stays with the in-laws in the run-up to the weeding. It's tradition.

Di Di Malloy:
Well, I'm not gonna marry him.

Dahlia Malloy:
Well it's tradition. That's all im saying. It goes all the way back to the Middle Ages in Ireland. It's your tradition.

Dale Malloy:
[to Earl] Is that what you think of me, Daddy? You think I'm a sociopath? You can't trust me to run the family?

Susan Malloy:
[to Dale] It's a real big burden being responsible for a whole family. Don't feel bad at your Daddy for not picking you.

Ken Dannegan:
I got something for you. [gives her a diamond ring]

Di Di Malloy:
Holy sh*t!

Ken Dannegan:
I'd do anything for you, Delilah.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich, to Hugh] I want to know how you got clean.

Wayne Malloy:
Dahlia, what are you doing here?

Dahlia Malloy:
Hugh offered me a job. I'm gonna take him up on it.

[first lines]

Conner:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug Rich] Doug? Doug? Are you okay? What are you doing out here?

Hiltzik:
Haven't you read "Calder Be Bold"?

Wayne Malloy:
[Pretending to be Doug Rich] Yeah... Yeah, have you read "Heser Be Strapling"? Have you read "Monkey Be Chestnut"? "Jiggle Be Craphosan"? "Roaster Be Blow Me"? "Ratsamecatsan"?

Junior:
Shouldn't you turn it on?

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich] You're one of those that thinks it's only working if it hurts.

[turns the switch on]

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich] How's that? Like that? You like that, huh?

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Ginny] Listen, you come into my house again; I will shove those Pop Tarts so far up your ass.

Ginny Danegan:
[to Wayne] My being here means you are a dead man, Wayne Molloy.

Eric:
Who was that?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] This'll be Ken.

Ken Danegan:
Di Di's fianc?.

Di Di Malloy:
[pretending to be Di Di Rich] What?

[last lines]

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich, to Ken] You got any bags?

Ken Danegan:
What?

Ken Danegan:
Yeah. I left them on the front step.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Allow me.

Wayne Malloy:
What are you doing here?

Dahlia Malloy:
I brought you lunch. Isn't that what every good little hosuewife's supposed to do?

Hugh Panetta:
I'm guessing you're good at a lot of things. You know, I could use someone like that around here.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich] I bet you could.

Ginny Danegan:
[to Wayne] I think Dale would be mighty interested in your address.

Wayne Malloy:
[to Ginny] What do you want, Ginny Danegan?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Well, look who it is.

Ken Danegan:
Hi, everybody.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Dahlia.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherein Rich] Wayne.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Cherien.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherein Rich] Doug.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich, pointing to Aubrey] Aubrey McDonald.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherein Rich] How do you do, I'm Mrs. Doug Rich.

Lorraine:
Rich? Mrs. Doug Rich.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherein Rich] Yeah.

[first lines]

Dahlia Malloy:
You don't have a plan?

Wayne Malloy:
Ummm...

Cael Malloy:
Sh*t!

Dale Malloy:
[to Wayne] Where the hell are Doug and Cherien Rich?

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Nina] Get in, Gypsy Rose Lee.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to her family] We're gonna pull in the next town, we're gonna dump this piece of sh*t, and Cael's gonna steal us a new car 'cause that's what he does and that's what we do!

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Nina] We are grifters and drifters and nomads. We are the scurge of the god damn earth. We are travelers, right?

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne pretending to be Doug] It's the deal of a lifetime.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne pretending to be Doug] You cash in on the bakers dozen. Thirteen million, Doug.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug] Thirteen million?

Cherien's Mother:
[to the Doctor] I want a large Cadillac.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Cael] That's nice. That's real nice. Robbing old ladies, now? Feel good? Does it feel good? That was a shitty thing to do. And let that be your comeuponce.

Di Di Malloy:
Mama, I think the word is comeuppance.

Dahlia Malloy:
What are you, the word police? You shut your pie hole? [to Cael] Right, that's staying in the napkin, go send me a car.

Nina Burns:
Can I come?

Dahlia Malloy:
No, sweetheart. Starsky don't need no Hutch.

Bob Day:
[holding up a gun] So where do you think you're going?

Nina Burns:
Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!

Bob Day:
This is my van.

[last lines]

Dale Malloy:
[to Doug] So, Douglas, what's the plan?

[first lines]

Dahlia Malloy:
Why didn't you come to bed last night? Huh? What's the matter with you?

Wayne Malloy:
I saw the little baggy your friend K left you last night. The one with the white powder in it?

Dahlia Malloy:
She left it.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] Of all the assholeholic things you've done, this is the most assholeholic.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Cael, Di Di and Sam] Okay, do not go upstairs. Your Dad's got food poisoning.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich] Now, Kimmy, you know how to work the Google thing, huh? Can you find out what a person's supposed to do when another person's done a sh*t load of meth. Is it the one where you pack their head in ice?

Kimmie:
Huh?

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich] I'm giving an anti-drug talk at my kid's school. Okay?

Kimmie:
Okay.

Wayne Malloy:
[on the phone to Dahlia] I've had a wake up call, Dahlia.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich, to Cherien's Mother] Hi, it's Doug. I've had some work done.

Wayne Malloy:
[to Cherien's Mother] Do you want to go to the park? We can feed the ducks.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich, to Kimmie] Sorry, I'm experiencing extreme sex drive.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich, to Cherien's Mother] It's nice having a Momma. Even a bull sh*t one like you.

Priest:
[to Wayne] What an a**hole!

Cherien's Mother:
[repeated line - to Dahlia, who is pretending to be Cherien] You're not Cherien.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] Shoosh!

Karl:
You are the head of legal right?

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich] Am I? I'm not sure what's real anymore. I don't think the bugs are.

[last lines]

Wayne Malloy:
[to Dahlia] I can't do my buttons. I'm so pathetic.

Sam Malloy:
Why are we getting the bill for Mountain View Nursing Home for forty seven hundred dollars a month?

Wayne Malloy:
Must be where Cherien's Mother is.

Wayne Malloy:
[pretending to be Doug Rich, to Cherien's Mother] Come on, Ma. Here we go.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to the children] She's senile.

Cherien's Mother:
You're not Cherien.

Dahlia Malloy:
Well, mostly senile. It's Cherien's Mom.

Di Di Malloy:
Wait, I thought she was in a nursing home.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] I'm not lying, Wayne. I told you I'm off that sh*t.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne] Oh, no. No, no. Hey, I was gonna flush it.

Wayne Malloy:
[finding Dahlia's cocaine] How big a supply is this? A month? A week? [Wayne snorts the cocaine]

Dahlia Malloy:
No, Wayne! No, no!

Dahlia Malloy:
Are you trying to blow this whole thing to Hell?

Wayne Malloy:
How do you like it? Watching someone you love self-destruct.

Wayne Malloy:
I've messed up your whole life.

Dahlia Malloy:
All I've wanted is a messed up life with you.

Dale Malloy:
I've already mailed my services to some of your neighbors. Your back door nighhbour.

Hartley Underwood:
Doug Rich?

Dale Malloy:
That's his name?

Sam Malloy:
[about Cherien's Mother] She likes it here.

Hartley Underwood:
[to Dale] Can you not read the sign?

Hartley Underwood:
So Doug Rich, he really screwed you over with that paint job?

Dale Malloy:
He can suck sh*t in Hell for all I care.

[first lines]

Dahlia Malloy:
[answering the phone] It's four thirty in the morning, what do you want?

Dahlia Malloy:
The funeral is this weekend. You have to be here for the family.

Dale Malloy:
I can't.

Dale Malloy:
[to Wayne] Where're you living?

Dale Malloy:
[to Dahlia] Do you really want to know how he died? You really want to know how he died? If he cried or if he whimpered? Is that what you wanna hear? You left him there, Dee. You left him there to suffer and die.

Father Flynn:
[to Ken] Do you promise yourself to Delilah Malloy in body and in spirit, in heart and in mind, forever and ever and always.

Dale Malloy:
I did it for you. I did it for you. I swear, I needed you.

Dahlia Malloy:
Get down on your knees.

[last lines]

Dale Malloy:
[to Ken] Where do they live?

Dale Malloy:
[on the phone to Dahlia] Just bring back the money, Dee.

Wayne Malloy:
Dale wants forty thousand dollars.

Cael Malloy:
That's a lot of silverware Dad.

Wayne Malloy:
[about Hugh] God damn, small, boss.

Cael Malloy:
[to Wayne] Hey, isn't this what got us in trouble the first place?

Sam Malloy:
How long are we gonna stay?

Dahlia Malloy:
We get in, we get out.

Wayne Malloy:
[to Dale] I want to know the protection.

[first lines]

Pete Mincey:
Who are you?

Wayne Malloy:
Look, don't get upset.

Dale Malloy:
[to Wayne and Pete] I'm Greg, Greg Buffer.

Dahlia Malloy:
[to Wayne, about Pete] He wants to see his friend. He wants to see dead Doug. How you gonna give him that?

Wayne Malloy:
You've got to think big.

Dahlia Malloy:
Oh, no, no. I am tired of thinking big. It is time to think small.

Dale Malloy:
[to Dahlia] You tell that husband I'll be back for him.

Pete Mincey:
[to Wayne] You lunatic! What have you done?

Di Di Malloy:
It's not what it looks like, okay.

Nina:
Nothing's what it looks like, hun.

Pete Mincey:
What the Hell is going on here?

[last lines]

Pete Mincey:
You coming?

Dale Malloy:
Yeah Pete, I'm coming. Let's go for a little stroll.

[first lines]

Wayne Malloy:
The car's right outside. Come on, let's go.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug Rich] Where the hell have you been?

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug Rich] So who do you think took the money?

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich] I mean, temptation is everywhere.

Rudy Blue:
Yeah.

Dahlia Malloy:
[after roping Rudy in] My boobies are getting credit for this one.

Dahlia Malloy:
[pretending to be Cherien Rich, to Rudy] But I gotta say, nothing turns me on more than an accomplished money making man.

Di Di Malloy:
This is insane, Dad.

Wayne Malloy:
Why?

Di Di Malloy:
Because we can't do this. Half a million dollars? I mean, we don't even know what that means.

Kimmie:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug Rich - about Hugh] He's gone crazy. He thinks someone robbed him. Stole forty thousand dollars form his safe. He's not letting anyone leave until he finds out who it was.

[last lines]

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne and Dahlia, who are pretending to be Doug and Cherien Rich] Alright, then, back to work.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug] You've been gone two days, Doug. Same as the money.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug] People betray you, don't they, Doug?

Di Di Malloy:
Dad, you stole forty grand from that guys' safe.

Cael Malloy:
That Hugh guy can't prove anything.

Dahlia Malloy:
It don't matter. He can still fire us.

Wayne Malloy:
That's why we gotta get it back.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug Rich] You got Rudy Blue, to want to invest five hundred dollars in Panco?

Wayne Malloy:
So we gotta find a mark who's rich, greedy and stupid enough to drop a load without thinking twice.

Hugh Panetta:
[to Wayne, who is pretending to be Doug] Sell the hair off a dog, couldn't you? Maybe I should make you a partner?