The Road to Hong Kong

Harry Turner:
Chester, I give you my SOLEMN word. THIS time it's not dangerous.

Chester Babcock:
Not dangerous?

Harry Turner:
No.

Chester Babcock:
That's what 'cha said when you shot me out of a cannon, when you dropped me in a tank with an octopus, when you had me wrestle a gorilla. It's not dangerous! I'm not goin'. I'm through. I've had it. So forget it, *Charly*!

Harry Turner:
[hands Chester a hand mirror] Who's that?

Chester Babcock:
[seeing his reflection] I don't know, but gimme a stick and I'll kill it.

Chester Babcock:
I'll never look at another banana split.

Chester Babcock:
Why do you suppose they're sending *us* up?

Harry Turner:
They wanna find out if it's gonna be safe for the apes.

Chester Babcock:
Oh.

Chester Babcock:
[espying Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra] The Italians have landed!

Harry Turner:
That's the grape and the twig, isn't is?

Chester Babcock:
Yeah, and they got the bar open.

Harry Turner:
Let's break it up.

Chester Babcock:
Those tourists.

Leader of the 3rd Echelon:
In that rocket, we're about to send two animals around the moon; and, if we succeed, we shall next send two men. And from the moon, that point of impenetrable power, I shall go before the United Nations and demand that they accede to our total and absolute control.

Chester Babcock:
[to Harry] I think he rolls his own.

Harry Turner:
An hour ago she flipped over me. I don't dig it.

Chester Babcock:
Well, that's understandable. An impressionable young thing falls for an elderly fellow. She probably thought you were a father figure.

Harry Turner:
Father figure?

Chester Babcock:
Yes, then she took another look and found out you had your father's figure.

Leader of the 3rd Echelon:
I'll deal with humanity as I please and I'll do with humanity as I choose and I'll do it from the moon with my radio lunar bombs.

Diane:
There must be some sensible solution to this problem.

Harry Turner:
Well, of course there is. Two fellas, one girl. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, you come to my house.

Chester Babcock:
Yeah. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, my house.

Diane:
What about Sunday?

Chester Babcock:
Everbody rests.

Chester Babcock:
No, I can see the tears forming in your wallet.

Harry Turner:
Well, don't get sore at me. It's just a plot point.

Harry Turner:
Don't I always get you the best medical attention available?

Chester Babcock:
Yeah, like that doctor you got me in Bombay last month.

Harry Turner:
How was I going to know he was an elephant doctor?

Chester Babcock:
You should have known by the size of his thermometer.

Harry Turner:
Yes, was a bit large.

Chester Babcock:
When he shook it, I was still on it.

Harry Turner:
Happy landings, buster!

Chester Babcock:
I don't know what you're so happy about. You're not mentioned in my will.

Indian Neurologist:
[examining Chester] Ugh!

Harry Turner:
What is it, Doctor?

Indian Neurologist:
Terrible heartburn. Oh, dear, put too much curry in my corn flakes, you understand.

[as the neurologist plays his flute during Chester's examination, a cobra rises from its basket]

Indian Neurologist:
Oh, nothing to worry about. If he should give you a nip, it's very simple. All you do is to get hold of your bowie knife like this, make a cut on here, suck out the poison and spit it away. Very simple.

Chester Babcock:
Yeah, but what if he bites me in a place I can't reach?

Indian Neurologist:
That is when you find out who your real friends are.

[while agent Diane mistakenly thinks she's made her secret contact with a microfilm photographer, Chester, thinking himself a chick magnet, simply believes he's caught the eye of a beautiful, romantic woman]

Diane:
[whispers] Do you think we're being watched?

Chester Babcock:
[noticing Harry staring at them from the bar] Definitely.

Diane:
Oh, then we'll have to hurry.

Chester Babcock:
Have we got time?

Diane:
If you work fast.

Chester Babcock:
I'll do my best.

Diane:
Good. Now, I've got the room ready at the hotel.

Chester Babcock:
Good.

Diane:
I've made all the arrangements.

Chester Babcock:
Fine.

Diane:
The shades are all drawn.

Chester Babcock:
Very sensible.

Diane:
And we can lock the door from the inside.

Chester Babcock:
Oh, good. I'd hate to get a crowd until I get the hang of it.

[Agent Diane continues to mistakenly think she's made her secret contact with a microfilm photographer while Chester, thinking himself a chick magnet, still believes he's caught the eye of a beautiful, romantic woman]

Diane:
Are you sure you've done this sort of thing before?

Chester Babcock:
[suffering from amnesia] Well, I MUST have. When do we start?

Diane:
Right now.

Diane:
[suddenly shouting] Darling, it's so wonderful to see you again.

[She slips him an envelop as she kisses him]

Diane:
[whispering] You've got it.

Chester Babcock:
[ego stroked and oblivious to the envelop] I know it.

Diane:
Don't lose it.

Chester Babcock:
Don't worry.

Diane:
I'll see you at the hotel.

Chester Babcock:
Pull the shades and lock the door.

Diane:
One final thing.

Chester Babcock:
Yes?

Diane:
In case I'm late, you go ahead without me.

Harry Turner:
You got a mind like a sponge.

Chester Babcock:
Yeah, don't get any ideas about squeezing it, either.

Diane:
Are you sure you're not pulling my leg?

Harry Turner:
Business first, fun and games later, mm?

Chester Babcock:
[cracks open a fortune cookie and reads] "You are under grave suspicion. Your partner suspects you of dishonesty."

Chester Babcock:
[passing it to Harry] Here, it's for you.

Harry Turner:
[gazing out an airplane window] There she lies, Chester - Hong Kong.

Chester Babcock:
Yeah, what a monument to fried rice.

Chester Babcock:
Hey, we're UNDER water! That's the ocean!

Harry Turner:
So?

Chester Babcock:
So? We spring a little leak, we'll drown.

Harry Turner:
Well, you don't have to worry. You got a built-in snorkel.

Chester Babcock:
[seeing a shark outside the porthole] Looks like he just ate Lloyd Bridges.

Harry Turner:
Don't worry. They don't eat people.

Chester Babcock:
How about actors.

Harry Turner:
We're safe.

Diane:
Mr. Babcock, if you leave now, you'll be running out on your fellow man.

Chester Babcock:
That still leaves my fellow women.

Harry Turner:
Chester, search your secret soul. Ask your patriotic conscience what to do.

Chester Babcock:
I already did.

Harry Turner:
What'd it say?

Chester Babcock:
"Yankee, go home."

Chester Babcock:
My nose bleeds when I put my carpet slippers on.

Diane:
At least you can die like heroes.

Chester Babcock:
Nah, but we're to old to die.

Diane:
I could love you, body and soul.

Chester Babcock:
They're available, in that order.

Chester Babcock:
Who do you think they'll be shooting at - you or the schnook with the I.B.M. machine up his univac?

Diane:
Trust me and you'll come to no harm.

Chester Babcock:
Trust me and I make no promises.

Harry Turner:
How do we get out of here?

Diane:
The submarine. I can handle it.

Chester Babcock:
I know. I read the script.

Harry Turner:
Those guys mean business. They're killers, murders.

Chester Babcock:
Besides that, they're unfriendly.