The Roy Rogers Show

[title sequence]

Announcer:
"The Roy Rogers Show," starring Roy Rogers, King of the Cowboys; Trigger, his golden palomino; and Dale Evans, Queen of the West; with Pat Brady, his comical sidekick; and Roy's wonder dog, Bullet.

Les Barton, Carnival Owner:
Hey, stranger, come here and help me stop this fight!

Roy Rogers:
Listen, if it's a private fight, I don't know...

Les Barton, Carnival Owner:
They ain't got any right fightin'. They're ruining my property!

Dale Evans:
Your property? How come?

Les Barton, Carnival Owner:
Oh, they're the stars in my carnival show. If they ruin themselves, they ruin my property.

Mary Barton:
These mules are sure onery!

Roy Rogers:
My partner here claims he knows a lot about mules. Maybe we can get him to help.

Jake:
Yeah, he looks kinda mule-eared to me.

Pat Brady:
Listen here, sonny. I was skinnin' mules when you was wearin' diapers as goin'-to-meetin' clothes. Let me at 'em!

[while rehearsing his bullwhip act, Joe deftly coils his whip around Pat's face]

Joe:
You didn't feel that did you?

Pat Brady:
No, I didn't!

Roy Rogers:
Where there's, ah, no sense, there's no feeling.

[Pat reluctantly agrees to be the target in Joe's bullwhip act]

Dale Evans:
We'll see you later, Pat. If we see a man walking around with no head on, we'll know who it is.

Pat Brady:
Yeah, and if you see a head rollin' around singin', "I Ain't Got Nobody" you'll know whose it is.

[Pat is reluctant to serve as the bait in Roy's trap]

Pat Brady:
Are you sure you know what you're doin'?

Roy Rogers:
I'll be right behind the fence. If you get in any trouble, I'll know it before you do.

Pat Brady:
You and your ideas. I feel like the little brown hen who was fixin' to catch the hawk.

[Pat smashes the bottles he missed during target practice]

Pat Brady:
I guess that'll teach you to dodge when I'm a-shootin'!

[Judd gets the drop on Roy]

Judd:
Hold it! You got company.

Roy Rogers:
What's the matter, Judd? Did you run out of banks to rob?

Judd:
I hear you're the best tracker in the country

Roy Rogers:
Tracker?

Judd:
I need one real bad, Mr. Rogers. That's why I'm askin' you to come along with me.

Roy Rogers:
Askin'?

Judd:
Well, let's say I'm givin' you a choice. Either you come with me or I plug you... Well, that's a choice, isn't it?

Judd:
Roy, I'd like you to meet a couple of my boys. This is Cool Wilson and Dice Perry.

Roy Rogers:
I think I've seen their faces before - on wanted posters.

Sheriff Tom Blodgett:
Well, if it isn't Cool Wilson.

Dale Evans:
How'd you capture him, Pat?

Pat Brady:
Aw, it was nothin'. First, I cornered him. Oh, he fought like a tiger, but I gve him a left, then a right, then I... then... aww, I was chasin' him and he tripped.

Pat Brady:
I don't get it, Roy. First you spend all your time gunnin' for that guy, then you end up by bein' the best of buddies.

Roy Rogers:
Why not? Bein' mad never helped you get your man.

[last lines]

Pat Brady:
Sure, you like a person, so you start chasin' him. Then you catch him to show him how friendly you are. Then you... Mustard and custard! I still don't get it!

[first lines]

Judd:
Good thing I sent you boys on ahead.

[Tom escapes from Bill Eaton and Deputy Sheriff Jake]

Dale Evans:
What are you grinning about? Tom's a fugitive or Jake wouldn't be after him!

Roy Rogers:
Oh, I never did like Bill Eaton and that hair-trigger temper of his. What are you grinnin' about?

Dale Evans:
I never did like him either.

Roy Rogers:
What do you say we go see what it's all about?

Dale Evans:
That's a deal!

Sheriff Tom Blodgett:
Tom, I'm holding you for the murder of John Zachary. Jake, put him in a cell.

Jake - Deputy Sheriff:
I've got one just his size!

Martin Kelsey:
I can't understand what you see in that guy.

Ellen Kelsey:
He's the man I'm going to marry.

Martin Kelsey:
I haven't given you my consent, my dear and I never will.

Ellen Kelsey:
I'm over 21.

Martin Kelsey:
If I didn't have business in Mineral City, I'd never have brought you here.

Ellen Kelsey:
Then I'd have come myself.

Martin Kelsey:
Hey, you with the high heels and the low forehead! Take my bag, too!

Pat Brady:
What's the matter with you, Mister? Your arm broke?

Martin Kelsey:
The young lady's with me. Miss Kelsey is my niece.

Pat Brady:
Well, I'm sure she's as happy about that as a woodpecker with a sore bill.

Martin Kelsey:
How's your jaw?

Pat Brady:
It don't bother me enough to keep me from waggin' it at the right time.

[last lines]

Tom Larrabee:
Roy and Dale, I'd like to thank you for believin' in me.

Dale Evans:
Well, it isn't hard to believe in somebody that's always done right.

Roy Rogers:
That's right, Tom. A person's got to have faith in someone he knows to be good.

Tom Larrabee:
Thanks, Roy.

[first lines]

[Pat peers at the horizon through a pair of binoculars]

Dale Evans:
Pat Brady, that's the lazy man's way of looking for stray cattle.

Roy Rogers:
You give a lazy man a job and he'll find the lazy way to do it.

Roy Rogers:
One-Arm Johnny!

Dale Evans:
One-Arm Johnny? Oh, it can't be!

Roy Rogers:
Look!

Pat Brady:
Well, what's so excitin' about a fellow with one arm? Let me see.

Dale Evans:
It is.

Pat Brady:
Well, gee-willikers. He's all white-like and leadin' a burro.

Roy Rogers:
The legend is that whoever sees him usually ends up murdered.

Pat Brady:
Oh? Murdered?... Murdered! And I seen him. Come on, Nellybelle, let's get out of here!

Roy Rogers:
You don't believe those old stories, do you Sheriff?

Pat Brady:
What do you mean old stories? Nobody tells me nothin'!

Roy Rogers:
Well, Pat, back in 1872, One-Arm Johnny Martin was killed on his way back to the Apache gold mine which he claimed he discovered.

Dale Evans:
And since that time, a number of people have claimed to have seen his ghost.

Roy Rogers:
And everyone of 'em met up with some kind of fatal accident.

[Dale has found Roy's "lost" neckerchief]

Pat Brady:
Oh, gee whiz, that's a relief. I could just feel that silk neckerchief around my Adam's apple making beautiful applesauce.

Roy Rogers:
Where is Dale, Pat?

Pat Brady:
I was hopin' you'd ask me that. A woman government agent came here and got Dale.

Roy Rogers:
A woman government agent?

Pat Brady:
Yeah, they went to see this woman's superior about them papers. They oughta be back any minute, though, 'cause Dale was drivin' Nellybelle.

Roy Rogers:
Well, Sheriff, we might as well sit down and coffee up, 'cause if she's drivin' Nellybelle, we have quite a wait in store.

[Sheriff Blodgett grabs his deputy to prevent him from joining in the battle royal between Roy and his friends and Sheldon's men]

Sheriff Tom Blodgett:
Now wait a minute, let's stay out of this. Roy and the boys seem to be enjoyin' themselves. Let 'em go, let 'em go.

[last lines]

Pat Brady:
With the a-thority not invested in me by the country, or the state, or the county or even the citizens of Mineral City, I present you, Nellybelle Brady, with the honorary rank of Sergeant-Major of the Wackess.

Dale Evans:
How did you get in here?

Chick Dillon:
The back way. Everyone else is out front taking care of the Sheriff.

[Chick brandishes his pistol]

Chick Dillon:
Seems he took one of Betsy's little lead pills. If you'll be quiet, she'll be quiet.

[first lines]

Roy Rogers:
It doesn't pay to look back on the sad things, Lucy, especially if you can't change 'em. Your mom wouldn't want that.

[Pat's cantankerous jeep, Nellybelle, has broken down once again]

Pat Brady:
Gee, Dale, I don't know what to say.

Dale Evans:
Well, you sure knew what to say when you talked me into comin' with you in this contraption instead of lettin' me ride Buttermilk.

Pat Brady:
Now you know, Dale, if you'd have taken your horse, you'd never have gotten to the Collins' place with all this grub and stuff!

Dale Evans:
I'm getting there now?

[last lines]

Lucy Collins:
What's the matter with you, Mr. Pat?

Pat Brady:
Well, how about lettin' me in some of this hero stuff. Dadgumit, I got enough bullet holes in my cook's hat's to use it for a soup strainer!

Lucy Collins:
You can be my hero, Dimples.

Roy Rogers:
Looks like Pat's really enjoyin' this hero stuff - aren't you, Dimples?