The Royal Tenenbaums

Royal Tenenbaum:
Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine.

Royal Tenenbaum:
I'm not talking about dance lessons. I'm talking about putting a brick through the other guy's windshield. I'm talking about taking it out and chopping it up.

Royal Tenenbaum:
You heard me, Coltrane.

Royal Tenenbaum:
That's the last time you put a knife in me!

Royal Tenenbaum:
He looks pretty good for a suicide. Attempted, anyway.

Royal Tenenbaum:
Look at that old grizzly bear.

Royal Tenenbaum:
Let's Shag Ass.

Eli Cash:
Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's not a genius? Do you especially think I'm not a genius?[Pause] You didn't even have to think about it, did you?

Eli Cash:
Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't?

Eli Cash:
Wildcat was written in kind of an obsolete vernacular. Wildcat...pkow. Okay, I'm gonna go.

Eli Cash:
The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.

Richie:
Read it back to me so far, Pietro.

Pietro:
Dear Eli, I'm in the middle of the ocean. I haven't left my room in four days. I've never been more lonely in my life, and I think I'm in love with Margot.

Richie:
New paragraph.

[Chas Tenenbaum and his sons enter his mother's house with several bags]

Etheline:
Chas? What's going on?

Chas:
We got locked out of our apartment.

Etheline:
Well, did you call a locksmith?

Chas:
Uh-huh.

Etheline:
Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags BEFORE you got locked out?

Chas:
It's not safe there.

Etheline:
What are you talking about?

Chas:
The apartment. I have to get some new sprinklers and a back-up security system installed.

Etheline:
But there are no sprinklers here either.

Chas:
We might have to do something about that too.

Eli Cash:
I'm not in love with you any more.

Margot:
I didn't think you ever were.

Eli Cash:
Let's not make this harder than it already is.

Margot:
OK.

Eli Cash:
OK what?

Margot:
OK, I'm not in love with you any more either.

Eli Cash:
I know. You're in love with Richie, which is sick and gross.

Margot:
Do you send my mother your clippings? And your grades in ---

Eli Cash:
Please stop belittling me. You never gave me the time of day until I started getting good reviews.

Margot:
The reviews aren't that good.

Eli Cash:
But the sales are.

Royal:
[indicating Pagoda] He saved my life, you know. 30 years ago, I was knifed in a bazaar in Calcutta. He carried me to the hospital on his back.

Ari:
Who stabbed you?

[Royal motions to Pagoda again.]

Royal:
He did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me right in the gut with a shiv.

Chas:
Why'd you try to kill yourself?

Etheline:
Don't press him right now.

Richie:
I wrote a suicide note.

Chas:
You did?

Richie:
Yeah. Right after I regained consciousness.

[Everyone looks slightly confused.]

Chas:
Can we read it?

Richie:
No.

Chas:
Can you paraphrase it for us?

Richie:
I don't think so.

Chas:
Is it dark?

Richie:
Of course it's dark. It's a suicide note.

Eli:
I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum.

Royal:
Me too, me too.

Eli:
I wish you'd've done this for me when I was a kid.

Richie:
But you didn't have a drug problem then.

Eli:
Yeah, but it still would've meant a lot to me.

Royal:
I'm dying, baby. I'm sick as a dog. I'll be dead in six weeks. I'm dying.

Etheline:
What are you talking about? What happened? Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I didn't know. What'd they say? What's the prognosis?

Royal:
Take it easy, Ethel. Hold on. Hold on.

Etheline:
Where's the doctor? Let's get -

Royal:
Wait a second. Listen. I'm not dying. But I need some time. A month. Maybe two. I want us to -

Etheline:
What's wrong with you?

Royal:
Ethel.

Etheline:
Go away!

Royal:
Baby. I am dying.

Etheline:
Are you or aren't you?

Royal:
Dying? Yes.

Royal:
Look, I know I'm gonna be the bad guy on this one. But I just wanna say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.

Narrator:
Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.

Richie:
Did you just say you're on mescaline?

Eli:
I did indeed. Very much so.

FAMILY ISN'T A WORD...IT'S A SENTENCE.

You Are Invited To A Remarkable Family Gathering.