The Sarah Jane Adventures

Luke Smith:
But it might know kids are supposed to like clowns.

Sarah Jane Smith:
Personally they always gave me nightmares.

Luke Smith:
Coulrophobia, it's the fear of clowns. Johnny Depp has it.

Clyde Langer:
What encylopaedia did you find that in?

Luke Smith:
Heat.

Clyde Langer:
Sarah Jane, look at this. These are the same colors as the clown I saw. Red, yellow and blue.

Sarah Jane Smith:
This isn't a clown. This is the Pied Piper. Story goes he rid Hamelin of its plague of rats. Then when the town refused to pay him, he came back and took all their children.

Elijah Spellman:
The oldest and most accurate picture of the Pied Piper. The colors of his costume signify he was a traveling entertainer. But, I'm afraid, even clowns have their dark days.

Sarah Jane Smith:
And that's exactly the sort of clown I'm interested in, Mr. Spellman. One that makes children disappear.

Clyde Langer:
But the Pied Piper is a fairy tale.

Sarah Jane Smith:
Myths, legends, fairy tales. Every story has its inspiration, Clyde.

Rani Chandra:
Isn't someone gonna tell me what's going on?

Sarah Jane Smith:
Rani, there is a time and a place for an interview and being chased by a clown from outer space is most definitely not it.

Sarah Jane Smith:
It's funny, all this today, 'cause I've been thinking, becau,se The Doctor showed me such a remarkable life and when he went it just took me a long while to get oevr it.

Jo Jones:
Mee too. You know, sometimes I think I;'ve never stopped running.

Sarah Jane Smith:
And then he came back and I realized the life I wanted was right under my nose all that time.

Jo Jones:
Who came back?

[she realizes and is stunned]

Jo Jones:
The Doctor?

Sarah Jane Smith:
Yeah.

Jo Jones:
Recently?

Sarah Jane Smith:
Oh, about four years ago.

Jo Jones:
I... I never saw him again.

Sarah Jane Smith:
Oh, well, it was just a coincidence the first time... we were both investigating this case...

Jo Jones:
[even more stunend at Sarah's revelation] The first time? You mean it was more than once?

Sarah Jane Smith:
[pauise, then] Yeah.

Jo Jones:
Oh.

[pause, then]

Jo Jones:
He must have really liked you.

Jo Jones:
If they're lying, that means The Doctor's still alive! [she and Sarah high-five]

Sarah Jane Smith:
Yes!

Clyde Langer:
[the Doctor is speaking through him] Of course I'm still alive, Jo! I'd have thought that was obvious! Catch up!

The Doctor:
[the Doctor is trying to transport to Earth and is alternating body-spaces with Clyde] Sorry, Clyde, but... this... space... is... taken!

Rani Chandra:
[Clyde and The Doctor have swapped body spaces] You bring him back, whoever you are!

Sarah Jane Smith:
No, no, no, Rani, don't you see? It's you, isn't it? Oh, you've done it again!

The Doctor:
Hallo, Sarah Jane.

Sarah Jane Smith:
Doctor!

Rani Chandra:
That's the Doctor?

Jo Jones:
What Doctor? *The* Doctor? *My* Doctor?

Sarah Jane Smith:
Well, he can change his face.

Jo Jones:
I know that, but into a baby's?

The Doctor:
Oi! Imagine it from my point of view! Last time I saw you, Jo Grant, you were what? 21,22? It's like someone baked you!

Jo Jones:
You know, The Doctor took me to this planet once, called Peladon, and the smell of Lapatcha, well, it reminds me of the Royal Palace.

Sarah Jane Smith:
*I* went to Peladon!

Jo Jones:
You never did!

Sarah Jane Smith:
With the great beast Aggador?

Jo Jones:
Same planet! [the two women embrace]

The Doctor:
We're running out of time! I need you, Sarah, and you, Jo!

[he grabs their hands]

Jo Jones:
Need us for what?

The Doctor:
Remember the old days when we'd go zooming off to faraway worlds?

[they vanish, with Clyde reappearing in their place]

Jo Jones:
[the Doctor, Sarah anmd Jo have arrived on an alien planet] Oh, so many years since I was on another planet!

Sarah Jane Smith:
Me too!

The Doctor:
I'm traveling with Amy now... and Rory. They got married, so I dropped them off on a honeymoon planet, which isn't what you'd think; it's not a planet for a honeymoon, it's a planet on a honeymoon... it married an asteroid.

Jo Jones:
So you've got a married couple in the TARDIS.

The Doctor:
Mr. and Mrs. Pond.

Jo Jones:
I only left you because I got married. [the Doctor is silent]

Jo Jones:
Did you think I was stupid?

The Doctor:
Why do you say that?

Jo Jones:
I was a bit dumb... still am, I suppose.

The Doctor:
[goes over to Jo and sits beside her] Now what in the world would make you think that? Ever? Ever? Evsr?

Jo Jones:
We'd been traveling down the Amazon for months and we reached a village in Cristalina and it was the only place for thousands of miles that had a telephone, so I called you. I just wanted to say hello, and they told me that you'd left... left UNIT, never came back. So I waited... I waited. because you'd said you'd see me again. You did... I asked you and you said yes, you promised, so I thought, oh, one day I'd hear that sound... deep in the jungle I'd hear that funny wheezing noise and a big blue box right in the middle of the rainforest! You see, he wouldn't just leave... not forever... not me.

Jo Jones:
So you've been watching me... all this time?

The Doctor:
[pause, then] No. becaue you're right, I don't look back... I can't.

Santiago Jones:
I can't believe you get to do this all the time! Like aliens and chases and stuff!

Clyde Langer:
You can talk, Santiago... you're off to Paraguay and Mount Everest!

Santiago Jones:
Dude, you just zapped into another planet.

Clyde Langer:
[thinks a moment, then] Yeah, that was pretty cool.

Clyde Langer:
[they're crawling through a ventilation shaft, with the Doctor crawling backwards] Even your eyes are different! It's weird, 'cause I thought the eyes would stay the same! Can you change color or are you always white?

The Doctor:
I could be anything.

Clyde Langer:
And is there a limit? How many times can you change?

The Doctor:
507.

Clyde Langer:
Oh.

Sarah Jane Smith:
It's daft, thought, because, well, we were both sayin g that we had this theory that if you ever died, we'd feel it some somehow... we'd just know. [the Doctor doesn't answer] That's just silly, isn't it?

The Doctor:
I don't know... maybe not, 'cause between you and me, if that day ever comes... I think the whole universe might just shiver.

Jo Jones:
I waited my whole silly life...

The Doctor:
[laughing] oh, but you're an idiot!

Jo Jones:
[also laughing] Well, there we have it!

The Doctor:
No, no, no but don't you see? How could I ever find you? You've spent the past forty years living in huts, climbing up trees, tearing down barricades! You've done everything from flying kites on Kilimanjaro to sailing down the Yangtze in a tea chest. Not even the TARDIS could pin you down.

Jo Jones:
Hold on! I *did* sail down the Yangtze in a tea chest!

Sarah Jane Smith:
If there has been an alien here in the last 24 hours it would have left an energy trace. [examines reading from watch display] Oh no!

Clyde Langer:
Aliens?

Sarah Jane Smith:
Yes but the trace is too weak to identify the species.

Luke Smith:
[Luke examining counter picks up cheque] It's the Bane.

Clyde Langer:
What the shape shifty squiddy things that made you?

Sarah Jane Smith:
How could you know that?

Luke Smith:
Mrs Wormwood [Passes Sarah Jane Mrs Wormwood's cheque]

Clyde Langer:
That's Mrs Wormwood. I thought you said she was an ugly bug eyed squid thing.

Ms. Wormwood:
Children they have no respect.

Ruby White:
Recognise it? I think that bit's Finland.

Luke Smith:
This place is beautiful.

Sarah Jane Smith:
Thank you!

Kelsey:
[to Luke, through a magnifying glass] Not so bad yourself, fella.

Luke Smith:
What does that mean?

Kelsey:
Oh! He's mine!

Luke Smith:
Is that good or bad?

Maria Jackson:
That's bad. That's very bad. [Kelsey rolls her eyes]

Sarah Jane Smith:
There was a scientific project in Switzerland: they created their own black hole, and if it gets free, the whole earth would be swallowed up. So K9's sealing it off.

K9:
Greetings, Mistress.

Maria Jackson:
K 9?

Sarah Jane Smith:
He's my friend.

Kelsey:
K9? As in canine? Ha! That's so lame!

Sarah Jane Smith:
He's been in there for a year and a half, now, plugging the distortion. And every so often, he passes my way!

Kelsey:
Your best friend is a metal dog with its bum stuck in a black hole?

Sarah Jane Smith:
[with quirkiness] I know!

Ms. Wormwood:
[looking at control panels] All the humans that don't submit will be reduced to liquid [noise of engine in background growing louder]

Ms. Wormwood:
then bane will drink them and [turns head to noise now includes music] What's that noise? [bright orange single decker bus crashes through thick concrete wall]

Sarah Jane Smith:
[Getting out of bus] Not too late for the party?

Ms. Wormwood:
Miss Smith

Sarah Jane Smith:
I warned you leave this planet.

Ms. Wormwood:
Have you met [points upward] my mother? [reveals huge monster in ceiling]

Blakeman:
You're afraid. A Slitheen girl your age would do it. Wouldn't think twice. But all the fight's gone out of you. You just stand there shaking in your shoes. That's why we survive. That's why you're losers. All of you on this rubbish planet. That's why we win! [Maria throws vinegar over him] [He groans] Oops! [He explodes covering Clyde and Maria in green goo]

Clyde Langer:
Oh great!

Maria Jackson:
I did it I exploded the headmaster.

Luke:
Sarah Jane I've done something really stupid. A really bad social mistake. I told the Slitheen how to destroy the world.

Clyde Langer:
First time in my life I wish I carried a lipstick.

Alan Jackson:
Mr. Smith... I need you.

Mr. Smith:
Oh, Mr. Jackson. This is a surprise.

Alan Jackson:
It's that sort of a day.

Mr. Smith:
Sontarans are a clone species originating from the planet Sontar. They are fearless, well-trained, strategically intellectual and immensely strong.

Luke Smith:
But can they be beaten? They must have a weakness.

Mr. Smith:
Sontarans do not eat food. They intake pure energy by means of a probic vent at the base of their skull. This point is their sole weakness.

Warning:
Intruder, perimeter defenses have been armed. Any attempt to escape may result in death. You have been warned

Sarah Jane Smith:
Noted. [points sonic lipstick at laser grid and disarms perimeter defenses]

Maria Jackson:
The Slitheen don't invade planets they're not a race they're a family. They're a bunch of scavengers and chancers. It's Only Fools And Horses but with green skin and claws.

Clyde Langer:
Well you are getting old, you know, your memory's going.

Sarah Jane Smith:
Oh!

Sarah Jane Smith:
Aww, aren't you going to take an old lady's hand? I might fall if you don't.

Clyde Langer:
It's alright, I've got my mobile so I can call an ambulance if your head goes.

Sarah Jane Smith:
Well you are getting old, you know, your memory's going.

Clyde Langer:
Oh!

Clyde Langer:
Aww, aren't you going to take an old lady's hand? I might fall if you don't.

Sarah Jane Smith:
It's alright, I've got my mobile so I can call an ambulance if your head goes.

Luke Smith:
You can hack into any computer can't you Mister Jackson. We need you to get into UNIT to see if they know what this pendant is.

Alan Jackson:
What's UNIT?

Maria Jackson:
Unified Intelligence Taskforce they're like the army but they deal with aliens and stuff.

Alan Jackson:
I won't even ask how you know that.

Eddie Smith:
[shaking hands] Eddie Smith.

Sarah Jane Smith:
I'm Victoria Beckham.

Luke Smith:
I'm David Beckham.

Rani Chandra:
Sarah Jane.

Sarah Jane Smith:
How did you get here?

Rani Chandra:
Long story.

Barbara Smith:
Why did you call her that?

Rani Chandra:
I did it again.

Barbara Smith:
Who are you and why did you call her Sarah Jane?

Mrs. King:
[Referring to Rani's clothing] What on earth was she wearing? Can that really be the fashion in the Punjab?

Mrs. King:
[On seeing Rani enter the village hall in modern attire] Oh. Oh my goodness.

Rani Chandra:
[Rani gets a shocked reaction from the rest of the villagers] Yes. Hello. Ethnic person in the 50's. Hi. Listen please it's important.

Eddie Smith:
Not another one.

Rani Chandra:
I'm looking for Sarah Jane Smith.

Eddie Smith:
What? But what do you want she's right there. [points to baby in pram]

Luke Smith:
Thought you might have gone for the Doctor to give you away.

Sarah Jane Smith:
I need somebody reliable, and I'm so very, very glad it's you. Besides, where would I send the invite? Metebelis 3?

Sarah Jane Smith:
Men were interested before, but then I'd think, "How can a relationship go anywhere with my bizarre life?"

Luke Smith:
You look really happy.

Sarah Jane Smith:
But there's still the big problem, isn't there? I can't suddenly spring it all on Peter. "Oh, by the way, I used to go travelling through space and time in a phone box with a Time Lord."

Luke Smith:
"My son was created as part of an experiment by the Bane."

Sarah Jane Smith:
"I've got a talking computer and a robot dog."

Luke Smith:
"Oh, by the way, my lipstick, it's deadly."

Sarah Jane Smith:
But I do want you to meet him. Can we just keep all the madness quiet for a bit longer? See how things go.

The Trickster:
Doctor!

The Doctor:
Ah. You look better in black. Or is white the new black?

The Trickster:
At last, Doctor. I can feel this moment reverberating back through the ages. The meeting of the Pantheon of Discord and the last of the Time Lords.

The Doctor:
I've known the legends of the Pantheon since I was a little boy. I've fought your shadows and your chain links, I never thought we'd actually meet.

The Trickster:
And I know the legends of the Doctor. The man of ice and fire, who walked among gods, once held the key to time in his hands. Now, he is surrounded by children.

The Doctor:
They're my friends. Which reminds me, you're looking a bit lonely for a pantheon.

The Trickster:
I embody multitudes. But who are you, a man who has lost everybody, to talk to me of loneliness? When the gate is waiting for you?

The Doctor:
I hope you're as good as Sarah Jane says you are. Well, you know journalists, always exaggerating. But yeah, I'm pretty amazing on a good day.

Mark Grantham:
Who are you and what are you doing in my office?

Sarah Jane Smith:
Sarah Jane Smith, journalist.

Mark Grantham:
Who's she?

Sarah Jane Smith:
My work experience girl.

Maria Jackson:
It was either this or putting up scaffolding.

Luke:
Just stay calm. [Luke sets to work on the lock]

Clyde:
I don't want to freak you out but I'm losing calm as an option here.

Mrs. Wormwood:
What exactly are you suggesting, Miss Smith? That Bane originated in outer space?