The Sarah Silverman Program.

Sarah Silverman:
You car smells like farts!

Sarah Silverman:
I just tried to be like the others / But I pooped instead / I tried to join in with my brothers / I pooped instead / And I wish it never happened, that's what I wish / And I also wish so many things...

Sarah Silverman:
I wish every child had a mother / That's what I wish / I wish we could love one another / If I had one wish / And I wish all the nations belonged to one world / And I wish all religion was love.

Sarah Silverman:
And I wish the retarded... were re-smarted / That's what I wish.

[fade to white]

Black God:
Hello, Sarah.

Sarah Silverman:
Are you God's black friend?

Black God:
Sarah, your song was so passionate, so selfless. It has risen above the sound of a billion prayers. I want you to pick one wish, and I will grant it. All you have to do is choose.

[Sarah nods, fade to white]

Steve:
I heard brunch is an escape from ...

[farts]

All:
Ew!

Brian:
See, I always thought it was more a matter of ...

[farts]

All:
Gross!

Sarah Silverman:
You guys are both wrong. According to Newsweek, brunch comes from the Latin ...

[farts]

Sarah Silverman:
Peggy... Does that bum you out 'cause your name rhymes with... Eggy. Like Egg.

Sarah Silverman:
[singing] I want to make the retarded resmarted.

Sarah Silverman:
Wait, why wasn't I invited?

Laura Silverman:
Well, Natalie said you had some kind of emergency.

Sarah Silverman:
Yeah, I stubbed my vagina.

Laura Silverman:
You can stub it?

Sarah Silverman:
I can, I don't know about you.

Clerk:
A girl ripped me off. She's getting away. She's a white female, kind of jewy but totally hot, not out of your league hot, just cute. Long neck, really nice skin, she could easily pass for 20.

Sarah Silverman:
I'm the victim of a hate crime. It's true. The lady at the country club wouldn't let me play tennis because I'm Jewish.

Officer Jay McPherson:
What?

Sarah Silverman:
She was like, "What's your name? Silverman?... Get out Jew".

Laura Silverman:
She said that?

Sarah Silverman:
Yeah. Basically. With her eyes.

Waiter:
Mam, excuse me. I think it's harder to be black than it is to be Jewish.

Sarah Silverman:
Uh, did black people have the holocaust?

Waiter:
No, but we did have 400 years of slavery.

Sarah Silverman:
Oh, I'm SO sorry you guys get to have like amazing dance moves and singing voices while we got... oh yeah... murder showers.

Officer Jay McPherson:
Well, what do you believe in Sarah?

Sarah Silverman:
Mouthwash for starters. Seriously, Jay, did you eat a fart?

Sarah Silverman:
If you're a ghost, why don't you talk like thiiiiiis?

The Ghost:
That is a crude stereotype about ghosts! Talking like that to a ghost is like saying the N word to a black person!

Sarah Silverman:
Oh yeah? Well, interrupting a Jewish girl while she pees is like saying the Holocaust never happened. So I guess we're [in ghost voice] eeeeeeeeeeven!

Fred Blorth:
[opens a gift] Food!

Sarah Silverman:
I remember how you said you wanted some, so...

Sarah Silverman:
[When ordering for a cat] For my friend over here, do you have anything milk flavoured?

Peggy:
Err... Yeah we have milk.

Sarah Silverman:
Anyway, good night Dougie. [kisses dog] I hope you die in your sleep tonight. Nah, I'm just kiddin'. But if it had to be one of us, I hope it's you.

Brian:
Mannnn, I'm so jonesing for the T-A-B right now.

Steve:
Alright. I get it. I shouldn't have asked you to try something new. You can quit punishing me now.

Brian:
Why would I punish you Steve, when it's you who released me from a Tab-free prison of my own design, and led me to the discovery of my new favorite beverage... TAB?

Steve:
Is this all you have?

Clerk:
Uhh... yeah, I think...

Steve:
That's too bad. It's his favorite.

Brian:
You don't, like, sell a machine that makes Tab, do you? Wouldn't that be great, then I'd drink it all day. It's funny, I never even tried the stuff before this morning.

Steve:
I know, I totally pushed it on him. I was a huge dick about it.

Brian:
Oh, in his defense, it is such an important thing, I mean, here was this brand of soda I'd never tried before; you know, and I was about to go my whole life without ever trying it. Which is insane, right? And then I tried it, and now I know, it's the greatest thing ever! And I'm gonna drink it and talk about it for-e-v-er.

Steve:
And I'm gonna be right there alongside him, helping him, because I love him.

Clerk:
Cool.

Sarah Silverman:
[singing] Whether you're gay or straight, or black or white, or Asian... but just those five, just those five kinds of people.

Brian:
All I wanted to do was not have that sip, Steve, but you persevered, and I had that sip, and thank Tab I did, because my previous life was just a dream, but now I'm awake!

Sarah Silverman:
Ooh, ooh, Tig! Do you know how many, uh, lesbians it takes to screw in a light bulb?

Tig:
Uh-uh, no.

[exits]

Sarah Silverman:
Oh.

Brian:
She should know that.

Sarah Silverman:
Yeah.

Laura Silverman:
I think it's three.

Sarah Silverman:
Hello?

Natalie:
Hi. Sarah? It's Natalie.

Sarah Silverman:
Natalie... Tall, thin Natalie? or Natalie Bishop?

Natalie:
Natalie Bishop.

Sarah Silverman:
Ooooh. Hiiii.

Sarah Silverman:
So Tig, tell us about yourself. Pour us a piping hot cup of Tig!

Tig:
Well, I'm a lesbian...

Officer Jay McPherson:
Which is fine! Ya know, cause nobody cares.

Sarah Silverman:
What *is* a lesbian? Ya know, what is anything? What's a unicorn? It's a horse with a horn on it's head that's magic... Ya know, a lesbian is just a woman with a horn on her head... that's magic...

Officer Jay McPherson:
Yeah, so my partner got supsended because this Hispanic kid pulls a gun on him, Paul opens fire. Turns out it's a pellet gun. It looked really real, though.

Laura Silverman:
There should be a law that those things have to come in bright colors.

Sarah Silverman:
Laura, they're human beings!

Sarah Silverman:
Let me tell you a little story about a time I gave up. About ten years ago I got pregnant and everyone around me wanted me to give up and have the baby. And for about eight and a half months I listened to them. Until finally I worked up the courage to walk into that hospital and say "Get this thing out of me." And let me tell you something. Having an abortion is one of the hardest things anyone could ever do. It took hours. I had to physically push the fetus out of me. And when it came out it was crying and covered in this like gooky stuff. I didn't have the money to pay so I crawled out the window and I went home and watched In Living Color because that's what was funny back then. Heather, you have a choice. You can walk away and give birth to a failure that will haunt you the rest of your life or you can go out there and have the abortion of your dreams. So what's it gonna be?

Young Sarah:
You snooze. You loose.

Sarah Silverman:
To the Jews.

Sarah Silverman:
[to Little Sarah] Little Miss Rainbow is the single highest honor any woman without b*obs can ever get.

Brian:
Yeah, I gotta say this seems like a bad idea.

Sarah Silverman:
Says the man who thinks tushies are for penises.

Brian:
Touch?.

Sarah Silverman:
"Tushie".

Sarah Silverman:
November 9th, 1942. Peter found some crackers. Mama says we mustn't chew too loud or the Germans may hear. To think we were once Germans ourselves. Well, Hitler's taken our nationality and he's taken our humanity - but he's not gonna take our rhythm!

Large Woman:
[Crying] What a sweet way to go to hell.

Sarah Silverman:
[Talking to her Dog] I learned so much today Doug. I learned that orange cough syrup can make your car fly. And I learned that Laura needs a man in her life to feel good about herself. Sad. Also I learned, whether your gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, ya' know? Because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly I learned, that elderly black woman are wise beyond their years. But that younger black women... are prostitutes. [Long Pause] Goodnight?

Sarah Silverman:
I learned so much today, Doug. I learned that orange cough syrup can make your car fly. And I learned that Laura needs a man in her life to feel good about herself. It's sad. Also I learned, whether you're gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know? Because, at the end of the day they're both gross. But mostly I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years. But that younger black women are prostitutes... Good night?

Sarah Silverman:
[singing] I always wake up with the morning sun/I always take my pills with herbel tea/I always never cry and I've always wondered why/I always have to watch myself when I go pee/I really love my life and I'll also tell you what/if I find a stick I'll shove it in your mama's butt/and pull it out and stick the doodie in her eye/and pull it out and stick the doodie in her eye.

Sarah Silverman:
Burn the White House!

Sarah Silverman:
If we can put a man on the moon, we can put a man with AIDS on the moon. And pretty soon, we'll be able to put everyone with AIDS on the moon!

Sarah Silverman:
I've done some drinkin', some druggin'. Tried it in the butt one or nine times.

Teacher:
Today we have someone very special joining us. Let's give a big Valley Village hello and welcome to Mrs. Silverman.

Teacher, Children:
[together] Hello and welcome Mrs. Silverman.

Sarah Silverman:
Mrs. Silverman was my mother, and she was a b*tch. I'm Sarah.

Nurse:
Forgive me, but I'm compelled to ask. Were you *trying* to get HIV?