The Seven Year Itch

The Girl:
Hey, did you ever try dunking a potato chip in champagne? It's real crazy!

Richard Sherman:
There's gin and vermouth. That's a martini.

The Girl:
Oh, that sounds cool! I think I'll have a glass of that. A big tall one!

Helen Sherman:
[in Richard's fantasy] Lately you've begun to imagine in Cinemascope... with stereophonic sound.

The Girl:
I just hope it's not some priceless antique or something.

Richard Sherman:
Forget it. Just early Sears, Roebuck.

[Richard exhales after a long drag on a forbidden cigarette]

Richard Sherman:
All those lovely, injurious tars and resins.

The Girl:
[in Richard's fantasy] It shakes me! It quakes me! It makes me feel goose-pimply all over!

The Girl:
A stairway to nowhere! I think that's just elegant.

The Girl:
I think it's wonderful that you're married! I think it's just elegant!

The Girl:
I think it's just elegant to have an imagination. I just have no imagination at all. I have lots of other things, but I have no imagination.

The Girl:
Hi. It's me, don't you remember? The tomato from upstairs.

Richard Sherman:
Miss Morris, I'm perfectly capable of fixing my own breakfast. As a matter of fact, I had a peanut butter sandwich and two whiskey sours.

Dr. Brubaker:
My 3:00 patient jumped out of the window in the middle of his session. I have been running fifteen minutes ahead of schedule ever since.

Dr. Brubaker:
Until you are able to commit a simple act of terror, I strongly advise you to avoid anything as complex as murder.

The Girl:
When it gets hot like this, you know what I do? I keep my undies in the icebox!

Richard Sherman:
It sort of cools the ankles, doesn't it?

Tom MacKenzie:
What blonde in the kitchen?

Richard Sherman:
Wouldn't you like to know! Maybe it's Marilyn Monroe!

[Reading the cover of his book]

Dr. Brubaker:
"Of Sex and Violence"?

Richard Sherman:
Well we had to spice up the title a little.

The Girl:
Do you have any kids?

Richard Sherman:
No. None. No kids. Well, just one. Little one. Hardly counts.

Richard Sherman:
Tell me doctor, are you very expensive?

Dr. Brubaker:
Very!

Richard Sherman:
I'm sure you occasionally make exceptions.

Dr. Brubaker:
Never!

Richard Sherman:
Well I mean, once in a while, a case must come along that really interests you.

Dr. Brubaker:
At fifty dollars an hour, all my cases interest me.

Richard Sherman:
I know girls like this! They just can't keep their big mouths shut! This is gonna be all over New York... she's probably telling someone about it right now... yaddida yaddida yaddida... [cuts to The Girl gossiping about their crazy night]... I knew it! I knew it! Big blabbermouth!

Richard Sherman:
Miss, may I have the check, please?

Waitress at Vegetarian Restaurant:
Oh, yes, sir. Now let's see... we had the number seven special, a soybean hamburger with french-fried soybeans... Soybean sherbet and peppermint tea.

Richard Sherman:
Don't forget I had a cocktail to start.

Waitress at Vegetarian Restaurant:
Oh yes, we had the sauerkraut juice on the rocks, didn't we? You will be proud to know that your entire meal with the cocktail was only 260 calories.

Richard Sherman:
I am proud.

The Girl:
Maybe if I took the little fan, put it in the icebox, then left the icebox door open, then left the bedroom door open, and soak the sheets and pillowcase in ice water... no, that's too icky!

Richard Sherman:
[In Richard's nightmare, Helen shoots him and he lays dying on the stairs] Helen... I'm going fast. Give me a cigarette!

Helen Sherman:
A cigarette? You know what Dr. Murphy told you about smoking!

Richard Sherman:
Good old Rachmaninov. The Second Piano Concerto. Never misses.

Dr. Brubaker:
When something itches my dear sir, the natural tendency is to scratch.

Richard Sherman:
Last night I scratched.

The Girl:
You sure have strong thumbs!

Richard Sherman:
I used to play a lot of badminton.

The Girl:
You're married. I KNEW it! You LOOK married.

The Girl:
Your imagination! You think every girl's a dope. You think a girl goes to a party and there's some guy in a fancy striped vest strutting around giving you that I'm-so-handsome-you-can't-resist-me look. From this she's supposed to fall flat on her face. Well, she doesn't fall on her face. But there's another guy in the room, over in the corner. Maybe he's nervous and shy and perspiring a little. First, you look past him. But then you sense that he's gentle and kind and worried. That he'll be tender with you, nice and sweet. That's what's really exciting.

The Girl:
[in his fantasy] Rachmaninoff... It isn't fair... Every time I hear it, I go to pieces... It shakes me, it quakes me. It makes me feel goose-pimply all over. I don't know where I am or who I am or what I'm doing. Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't ever stop!

The Girl:
It's just terrible up there... Ohh, this feels just elegant. I'm just not made for the heat. This is my first summer in New York and it's practically killing me. You know what I tried yesterday? I tried to sleep in the bathtub. Just lying there up to my neck in cold water... But there was something wrong with the faucet. It kept dripping. It was keeping me awake, so you know what I did? I pushed my big toe up the faucet... The only thing was, my toe got stuck and I couldn't get it back out again... No, but thank goodness there was a phone in the bathroom, so I was able to call the plumber... He was very nice, even though it was Sunday, I explained the situation to him and he rushed right over... But it was sort of embarrassing... Honestly, I almost died. There I was with a perfectly strange plumber and no polish on my toenails.

The Girl:
I posed for this picture and when it was published in U.S. Camera, they got all upset... It was one of these 'artistic' pictures... it was on the beach with some driftwood. It got Honorable Mention... It was called Textures, because you could see three different kinds of texture: the driftwood, the sand and me. I got $25 dollars an hour, and it took hours and hours. You'd be surprised.

The Girl:
I had onions at lunch. I had garlic dressing at dinner. But he'll never know, because I stay kissing sweet, the new Dazzledent way.

Richard Sherman:
If Helen sent you to get a divorce.

Tom MacKenzie:
[incredulous] A divorce?

Richard Sherman:
[continuing] I absolutely refuse! I'll fight it in every court!

Tom MacKenzie:
[incredulous] She sent me for the paddle.

Richard Sherman:
[continuing; crazed] Because I can explain everything: the stairs, the cinnamon toast, the blond in the kitchen.

Tom MacKenzie:
[interrupts; incredulous] Wait! Wait a minute Dickey-Boy. What blond in the kitchen?

Richard Sherman:
[seething with contempt] Oh, wouldn't you like to know! Maybe it's Marilyn Monroe!

Richard Sherman:
'What happened at the office? Well, I shot Mr. Brady in the head, made violent love to Miss Morris and set fire to three hundred thousand copies of Little Women. That's what happened at the office.' What *can* happen at the office?

Richard Sherman:
My wife. She found out about us and she shot me. Five times in the back and twice in the belly!

Elaine:
[From Here To Eternity spoof, Elaine and Richard on the beach] What is this strange animal thing you have? lt bothers me. lt's bothered me since the first time l saw you. And it'll bother me always, from here to eternity.

Richard Sherman:
You must fight it, Elaine. Remember, l belong to another!

Elaine:
Richard!

Richard Sherman:
[Running off into the surf] This can never be. l have a devoted, trusting wife at home, and a freckle-faced little space cadet.

Elaine:
Richard!

The Girl:
I have a message for your wife. [after she kisses Mr. Sherman, he pulls out his handkerchief to wipe off the lipstick] Don't wipe it off. If she thinks it's cranberry sauce, tell her she's got cherry pits in her head.