The Smiling Lieutenant

Franzi:
Girls who start with breakfast don't usually stay for supper.

Lieutenant Niki:
Do you know whom she reminds me of? Your wife.

Max:
Oh, wait a minute! Oh, this girl is beautiful!

Lieutenant Niki:
See, here.

Max:
No, no, no, you're crazy.

Lieutenant Niki:
Just picture your wife - fifteen years younger, twenty pounds lighter, her hair dyed, her nose operated on. The same girl.

King Adolf XV:
This is unheard of. Flausenthurm without an "h?" Don't they know, in Vienna, how to spell my country?

Princess Anna:
It's a deliberate insult, Papa. They're trying to make us feel, just because we've a little country, we shouldn't have so many letters.

Lieutenant Niki:
Remember what Napoleon said before he went to Elba: "So long."

Princess Anna:
I don't know very much about life. I got all my knowledge out of the Royal Encyclopedia. A special edition arranged for Flausenthurm, with all the interesting things left out.

Lieutenant Niki:
When we like someone, we smile. But when we want to do something about it, we wink.

Princess Anna:
Papa, you may not realize it, but I'm desperate. I'm no longer responsible. I'm capable of anything. If you don't let me have my Lieutenant, do you know what I'm going to do?

King Adolf XV:
What?

Princess Anna:
I'm going to marry an American!

King Adolf XV:
When you winked at my daughter, were your intentions honorable?

Lieutenant Niki:
They were.

King Adolf XV:
Well, then naturally you'll marry her.

Lieutenant Niki:
My intentions were dishonorable!

King Adolf XV:
Then you'll have to marry her!

King Adolf XV:
Let me tell you, that schnitzel came from an imported Viennese cow.

Princess Anna:
Imported especially for you.

Lieutenant Niki:
Poor cow. To start life in Vienna and end it in Flausenthurm.

King Adolf XV:
So that's what she does, eh? Plays the violin?

Princess Anna:
Yes, papa. And in public! Tell me, papa, be frank do all girls like that play the violin?

King Adolf XV:
Not necessarily, but I'll tell you one thing: they play!

Princess Anna:
Well, I can play too!

Princess Anna:
I love him so dearly.

Franzi:
I'm just wild about him.

Princess Anna:
I don't blame you. Isn't he good-looking?

Franzi:
Oh, and how!

Princess Anna:
That's it exactly! And how! Did you see him in his new uniform?

Franzi:
At the wedding? Stunning!

Princess Anna:
But to tell you the truth, I like him even better in his dinner-coat.

Franzi:
With the straw hat?

Princess Anna:
Yes, with the straw hat!

Franzi:
Oh, that's nothing. Did you ever see him in... oh, never mind!

Franzi:
[singing] Jazz up your lingerie!

Col. Rockoff:
Lieutenant, I'm here on a very confidential mission. Her highness, the Princess Anna, wanted to talk to you, but before talking to you, naturally she took up the matter with her father, His Majesty, the King. His Majesty, the King, decided that Her Highness, the Princess, should not talk to you first. On the contrary, you should first talk to Her Highness, the Princess. But before talking to the Princess, His Majesty the King wants you to talk to him, so that he can give you permission to talk to the Princess. But then we all got together and had a little talk, and came to the conclusion that, under the royal Flausenthurm etiquette, you, being an ordinary lieutenant, cannot do the talking at all. You understand?

Lieutenant Niki:
Perfectly. May I ask what you are talking about?

Col. Rockoff:
In one word, Lieutenant: Please don't *you* propose to the Princess.

Lieutenant Niki:
But I never intended to! And I never will!

Col. Rockoff:
[shakes hands with him] Thank you! Congratulations!

Lieutenant Niki:
As a gentleman I say: "Thank you!"; as a Viennese I say: "Moo!"

Max:
Oh, she's so beautiful! And what a figure she has! Mmmm. And Niki, you should see her fingers. Oh, she has the daintiest little fingers! She plays the violin, you know.

Lieutenant Niki:
What does she do?

Max:
She plays the violin. And how! She's the leader of a girls band in a beer garden. I've just come from there. Oh, Niki, Niki I've got to meet her! Oh, but, I've got to be so careful because I'm a married man.

Franzi:
So, you play the piano?

Lieutenant Niki:
Mm-hmm.

Franzi:
Someday, we may have a - duet.

Lieutenant Niki:
I love chamber music.

Franzi:
Perhaps, tomorrow night we could have dinner together?

Lieutenant Niki:
Oh, don't make me wait 24 hours. I'm so - hungry.

Franzi:
Well, perhaps, then, we could have tea tomorrow afternoon?

Lieutenant Niki:
Why not breakfast tomorrow morning?

Franzi:
No. No. First tea and then dinner - and then - maybe - maybe breakfast.

Lieutenant Niki:
[singing] Breakfast time - it must be love. You, put glamor in the grapefruit. You put passion in the prunes!

Franzi:
[singing] I'm gone - when you invade the marmalade.

Lieutenant Niki:
And, you, put magic in the muffins!

Lieutenant Niki, Franzi:
Breakfast time - it must be love! [Next scene, a steam train coming out of a tunnel]

Franzi:
Tell me, Niki, is the Princess a blonde or a brunette?

Lieutenant Niki:
To tell you the truth, I don't know.

Franzi:
Darling!

Franzi:
Oh, you see Niki, it's not that I'm jealous; but, someday you may meet a girl.

Lieutenant Niki:
Nobody can play the violin like - you!

Franzi:
Oh, darling.

Princess Anna:
Napoleon was a Lieutenant too! And an Austrian princess married him.

King Adolf XV:
Well, he's no Napoleon.

Princess Anna:
Right! He's ten times better looking.

Princess Anna:
Oh, Papa, have a heart.

King Adolf XV:
No.

Princess Anna:
Say yes.

King Adolf XV:
No!

Princess Anna:
Don't you get tired of saying no all day long?

King Adolf XV:
Yes.

Princess Anna:
Oh, Papa!

King Adolf XV:
[On the phone] Give me the Emperor. Oh, good evening, Emp. Yes, this is Adolph speaking. Thank you. Same to you. Now, listen, Emp, I want to tell you something very confidential. Now keep this under your crown. My little Anna is in love.

Lily:
[On the phone] I have inside information. I had supper with the King last night. Yes, King's have to eat too!

Princess Anna:
Married people don't wink?

Lieutenant Niki:
Yes. Yes. They wink, but not at each other!

Princess Anna:
Well, what's the use of getting married?

Lieutenant Niki:
All the philosophers, for 3,000 years, have tried to find that out and they failed. And I don't think we'll solve that problem tonight. Good night.

Princess Anna:
I don't want to play checkers!

King Adolf XV:
You know what you are? You are anti-Flausenthurm!

Lieutenant Niki:
What's the use of being married to a Princess, if you cannot use the police department.

Princess Anna:
[Smiling] He danced with me!

King Adolf XV:
[Smiling] And he called me Daddy!

Princess Anna:
Father, what does it mean when a man steps out?

Franzi:
[Pointing to the Princess' dress] Who bought that for you?

Princess Anna:
Not Niki!

Franzi:
I'm sure he didn't. Niki has taste.

Franzi:
[to the Princess] Let me see your underwear.

Franzi:
[Lifting her dress to show the Princess her sheer underwear] That's the kind of music you should play!

Franzi:
Take good care of our Niki.

Princess Anna:
I will.

Franzi:
Be a good girl.

Princess Anna:
I won't! [laughter]

Lieutenant Niki:
[singing] I found, at home, ra-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta, ta!

Lieutenant Niki:
[SInging] I found, a new, commander to obey. I must report, for duty, right away. She'll never pension me.

Princess Anna:
[Out-of-sight] Ra-ta, ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta, ta...

Lieutenant Niki:
Toujours, l'amour, in the army... [Marches back to the bed chamber]